Lonely topic

[ardour]

This is probably very unoriginal pseudo scientific hypothesis but here goes... we are subconsciously wired, either through societal conditioning or maybe evolution, to value the approval of mean spirited, bullying, selfish individuals over ‘nice’ people.

Maybe that's partly why some people find themselves alone without any obvious explanations. They have been giving their time away in relationships that were non-reciprocal, thinking it were somehow normal. Somewhere in their lives they got the idea, probably from well-meaning observers, that giving while expecting nothing in return was healthy.

But it isn't; generally 'good' people are taken for granted. Good people are there when there’s nobody more interesting (read more popular, arrogant, overly dominant) around. Good people’s approval doesn’t matter as much because they’ve already given it via their attitude. They do the initiating, suppress their opinionated or emotional side for the sake of being personable, all the while trying not to "push themselves" on anyone. They end up being considered bland, replaceable, easily ignored friends. It’s not even that they aren’t liked or likeable, they just aren’t a priority.
Instead a lot of us prefer to focus on winning over people we see as having higher social value than us, regardless of how obnoxious they can be. I think most people have thought something like this a few times; “ nice person x is always going to be there so I don’t need to bother with them for now ... I will later of course” Where does that leave the decent, well mannered, mature people with few apparent needs or expectations? Forgotten about.

If we fail to set appropriate standards at the formative stage of relationships, they end up one-sided right? People will take you for granted unless you assert yourself and require something back. There’s nothing wrong with expecting something back long-term, even if it sours the outward focussed giving aspect.

This doesn't have that much of a point really, or I'm not sure what it is... I like to think being a decent person should eventually get you somewhere in life, but too many warm-hearted, intelligent people I've known have few friends and remain single.

Edit: yeah I realize this could be seen as contradicting my other topic on confidence.

 

[Felix]

People like more those who make themselves look more interesting than what they really are.

That's the problem I have. I can't pretend. I can't fake or act anything. People get put off by raw honesty, you have to lure them somehow. Is that what they call seduction?

And that's why I've been isolated for a while now. I can't do it right now. But I'm confident and I hope that I will be able to change this someday. Just gotta learn the skills, there are a lot of idiots with friends and gf's out there. It can't be impossible

 

[perfanoff]

Even if somebody likes a doormat, such a relationship sucks.

And another thing. I get the impression lot of women would go out with a confident man rather than a non-confident man they like more, because they could be scared of hurting #2 (and themselves) in case things don't work out.

 

[Rosebolt]

And another thing. I get the impression lot of women would go out with a confident man rather than a non-confident man they like more, because they could be scared of hurting #2 (and themselves) in case things don't work out.

Survival instincts are still very real, and more prevelant than most people think.

 

[Retrospective81]

I agree, being a decent person doesnt really get you everywhere in life. In fact, its why most of us are here in this forum. Because all our lives, people have took the piss out of us or mocked us in one way or another. yeah, notice how im not beating about the bush. Why would I? I'm a realist at the end of the day.

I think we just have to find a balance. I'm playin my cards a bit harsher/craftier now. Im a decent person, I know that myself. It doesnt make me arrogant that I seek noones approval. If noone like waht I say, well, it's tough ***** isnt it? I dont care. This is one of the ways to deal your deck of the cards of life. Basically not give a ****. You have your own morals and standards and aslon as you adhere to them, who bloody cares? if others adhere to them (very few id say) they can be called friends or family. But if they dont, they arent worth even half a penny/dime.

Another thing is im sayin is that you cant please everyone. the truth is that theres always onna be some c*nt who think he/she wears bigger stars n stripes than you and has the right to force his views and personality down your throat. The truth is, they cant, and if you feel they are, than you are simply letting them. Dont. Stop right now. Noone wears anymore stars and stripes than another in this life. Thats a fact.

Yes Im single and have very few friends. But I'm ahppy with my lot. Why? because the good, no matter how litt it may seem, always outweighs all the bad. Every bloody time

Alot of people may not like my bluntness here, already had a few run ins for being controversial but thats just me. They dont have to want to know me. I make NO APOLOGIES for who I am

Finally, neither should you

 

[Sigma]

For me it's the other way around.
Way I see it, if people display nothing but negativity to me, their actions and opinions mean nothing to me, I'd rather spend my time and attention on people I get along with.

 

[TheHydromancer]

Winning the approval of bad, but unfortunately powerful people is increasing one's chance of survival. I think that's how nature programmed us to be.
I myself have, much to my regret and self disgust, have done that, but then again I was only nine or ten at the time.
Now I am glad to be able to state that I never let anyone use me as a doormat, even though this has not made me very popular among some people, but that's their problem, not mine. They were the ones being jerks by their own choice.

 

[SophiaGrace]

I think you see the world in too black and white terms. People do not come in binary of nice vs. *******.

 

[ardour]

I think you see the world in too black and white terms. People do not come in binary of nice vs. *******.

I think you can categorize a lot of people as mostly behaving in either one way or another, because most of us end up consciously choosing values and strategies we think are going to be make us successful (along with just being naturally inclined towards), and those strategies require some consistency. So some end up thinking selfish behaviour is going to get them what they want, others think being empathetic and mature is the way to eventual happiness.

Funny how those who are highly selfish, even dysfunctionally so, don't seem to have problems finding friends and relationships. Could it be because we’re somehow programmed to respect aggression and arrogance, even while bitterly resenting those who have wronged us?

 

[OmniRellan]

Man, oh, man. I've seen some threads on this site that make me believe 'real' people do exist. I love you guys.

As for the mental programming, I believe in it 100%. From, 'The way to make friends is to smile alot and find things you both like', to 'You should go to college and start a family', to 'Always eat your chicken noodle soup when you're feeling ill!'.

It seems as if anyone who chooses their own path, creates a perspective unique unto themselves, or otherwise strays from the common mentality, will always find a problem with feeling 'lonely'. Or having issues with connections or ties to people. I myself have a horribly difficult time with this due to the ingrained notions that we are born and raised to live with. Whereas I can sit down and talk with almost anyone, I'm usually wearing a 'mask'. The one I use to navigate the endlessly screaming masses of humanity who proclaim with all the self-righteous indignant idealism that they can muster; 'Our road is the only way.'

I don't want to appear as if I am disgusted with humanity. A portion of the time, it can seem so, but more to the end, I'm fascinated by people. The endless combinations of environmental factors and experiences that lead them to their beliefs and views of the world is terribly interesting to me. However, the situation you're describing is perhaps my biggest complaint about the human condition in today's society.

From my standpoint, people in general are social creatures. Perhaps it has to do with the way our brains function, but we need to reinforce our reality, our 'id', if you will, through the belief that we exist, and perhaps the easiest way to do so is through the validation of another persons' acknowledgement of our being. And that's where many people seem to fall astray. This only my view on the matter, so take it as you will.

How easy would it be to wake in the morning and realize that many people are counting on your interaction? That your words alone can make or break another person's day? That if you were to put down that phone, shut off the computer, and sit at home alone, eventually someone would come check to see if you are all right? Wouldn't that be comforting? To know that your input is a conduit that helps others 'be'?

I can surely understand how this would be easy to lose oneself in. It would simply require a small sacrifice of 'self' to attain. Ironic, that statement, in my eyes. But nonetheless, people choose to ignore what they can become, the endless possibilities of humanity, to attain what seems like a mere mirror image of those around them, and those who have come to pass. Of course, not everyone can be strikingly original. Statistics and probability will deny that occurance. So even if a world awakening were to occur, and everyone decided to throw everything out and start anew, there would still be a rather large group of people with similar interests and ideas.

This provides an inevitable end.

There will always be a percentage of people who are, by nature, different. And although our burdens are different, although we may be 'd[/align]epressed', 'socially inept', 'weird', 'freakish', 'not in touch', one thing will remain the same for me.

I am perfectly ******* content being who I am, despite my issues. Because at the end of the day, I did not choose to die. I did not choose to sacrifice my soul, my feelings, my capability to attain whatever goal I may wish. I did not carelessly throw away my 'self' for an easy road. I will always help anyone I can, for as long as I'm alive, and be damned the consequences. For all this, when I die, I may not have streams of mourners following in my funeral procession who's souls are as thin as paper, but I will have a freedom and a life that most will never understand.

I apologize for the long-winded nature of this, but sometimes when I start, I can't stop.