Long story, life pattern I dislike

[morrowrd]

Here’s something I’ve learned this week, that has been very thought provoking.  Way back in my last two years of high school, I lived at a bible school.  I was kicked out of my home, lived on the streets for awhile, then in a flea bitten hotel room for a month before moving in with a family for a few months.  My parents offered me an “opportunity” – move out of the community 75 miles away up in the adirondaks where there was this bible school. There was also a Christian school on the campus, to serve the schooling needs for families that lived there. Pastors, teachers, missionaries, maintenance people, couples going to school together…you get the picture. So, I lived in the dorms, and went to school there.  This era was and is, a story in itself for another time.  More to the point, I discovered myself having an easier time getting into relationships with girls there, than I’d ever experienced at home in the public schools.  I went girl crazy in my own way, I dated several (another story for another time) and one girl in particular, Christy, moved away after that first year to Texas.  We “promised” each other to be faithful, and to write often.  And we promised to make a way to be together as soon as we were able. I was 16 – 17 at the time, and in another year I’d be a legal adult, graduated and able to make more decisions regarding my personal life.
 
The letters were frequent as were the phone calls.  The following year I joined the army, and went to Ft Sill OK for my basic training.  A measly 3 – 4 hour drive to Dallas where she lived.  The communications increased, phone calls, letters, and I was excited to see her again.  I took a bus ride to Dallas as soon as I was able to, and the visit was terrible.  She acted like she wanted nothing to do with me, very cold.  I was supposed to stay the weekend and left the following day.  I spent most of the short visit alone, in their home, an apt on a bible school campus. Her dad took a picture of the two of us, she looks uncomfortable being with me. Almost resentful.
 
Now, here’s what I wanted to run by you after all that history, which is a short version. I have had a box of letters from that era….34 years later.  I remember in 1992 reading some of them, I always in my mind figured they were love letters, from all my girlfriends during that era. And, at that point in time they were ten years old, old by anyone’s standards and I remembered the feelings they brought up in me.  After that time, I put the box away and never read any of them again, until this week. Now they’re 34 years old, not 10 like the last time. Ancient by the standards now. So I began to sift out just Christy’s, and began to read them again.  After the third letter, I began to get a different feeling about what she wrote.  Most of the letters sounded like she wanted out of the relationship. She was disagreeable about some of my life choices I had made, she told me several times that she didn’t want to hurt me but felt we should break up, maybe if it was in the cards, meet up later in life when we had grown up a little. She warned me that she was interested in dating others.
 
To the point, I’m only now at 51 understanding that how the **** didn’t I understand that way back then…how did I miss her message? Was I not reading the letters? I've spent all these years wondering why the cold shoulder on my trip to Dallas, that was a story I shared with the other women I was in relationships with. What a bitch she was. Now, I’m wondering what was wrong with me? I almost feel like the letters were written to me today, and I owe her an apology for not respecting her wishes.  The letters from the other girls, all had similar themes….. I am ashamed of myself for not leaving them alone.  I don’t see this collection as a “love letter” collection anymore.  And I feel some empathy towards others who unknowingly pursue women, who have such low comprehension skills that they don’t see the writing on the wall.
 
I’m a different person now than I was then. I’ve reformed a lot of myself and my life. My communication skills are much better, my confidence is in good shape.  Yet this pattern of not knowing (at times) when people like you or they don’t, unfortunately stays with me.  Since this revelation, I’ve been evaluating my other relationships, few as they are, to see if there are similar patterns of people I think like me who don’t.  The ones that don’t, and they’re many, are in the obvious category.  Now I’m wondering if I need to start digging deeper.  I lead a very reclusive life, I ignore the world except for my job.  I work, I go home to my world within the world.  My fiancée is all I need for companionship, so there’s her, and our nights and weekends.  I have since being with her withdrawn even more from what little socializing I used to do. Shutting down my youth program this year, was probably the last real community outreach I had. I have long ago realized that I'm not meant to be in social circles. I never invite people to my home, mostly because of a pattern of being turned down in the past. So I haven't invited "friends" to visit in well over 10 years. I'm guessing it's between 15 and 20 - so at this point people popping over, when it does happen, feels intrusive. These boundaries exist for a couple of reasons, one is to preserve acquaintance relationships that are successful. Thus is why people I have had a good relationship with at work, or in my community youth program - I only associate with them during these events. I never invite them to go out and do other activities, and never invite them to my home.
 
As for the letters, I'm burning them at some point as opposed to just throwing them in the garbage. I want to do it right, maybe during one of my camping trips, do it when I'm alone and completely focused on officially erasing these memories which have plagued my mind on and off over the years. I know there wasn't closure with Christy, not really. Yet it's not like I still love or care about her, I just couldn't figure out why after all that time of staying in contact, she had an about face. (How could you possibly not want to be with me after all we've been through?) In the end, I'm really glad I read them again or I never would have had this chance to see what I'm seeing now because in my memory, the version of the events were always different. And because what I'm seeing now, is cleaner reality, it's fresh truth and almost as if it's brand-new information. It's as if I'm reading them for the very first time, which makes me wonder, what was I seeing way back then as opposed to now? How did I mistake these as letters of affection - sure there was the usual "I love you, I care about you" yet the greater parts of the letter/s sent such a different message. I really wish I could read some of the letter I had written myself, to get a better picture about the give and take. I have a pretty good handle on it though, just from the one side I do have. If I could go back in time with the life learning I have now, and do it over, I could have said goodbye to her and as hard as that would have been at the time, it would have been a cleaner break. Instead, what happened was an awkward event, that has stayed in my memory for over 30 years.

 

[kamya]

This was a pretty interesting read. I think a of lot of guys can relate to this somewhat. I can at least

 

[VanillaCreme]

To the point, I’m only now at 51 understanding that how the **** didn’t I understand that way back then…how did I miss her message? Was I not reading the letters? I've spent all these years wondering why the cold shoulder on my trip to Dallas, that was a story I shared with the other women I was in relationships with. What a bitch she was. Now, I’m wondering what was wrong with me? I almost feel like the letters were written to me today, and I owe her an apology for not respecting her wishes.  The letters from the other girls, all had similar themes….. I am ashamed of myself for not leaving them alone.  I don’t see this collection as a “love letter” collection anymore.  And I feel some empathy towards others who unknowingly pursue women, who have such low comprehension skills that they don’t see the writing on the wall.

I think a lot of us go through this at one point or another. At the time, we're just wondering, "What the hell..." and we don't want to see both sides to the situation. Perhaps we grow a little bit, mature a little bit. Open our eyes to certain aspects, then we finally are able to see that maybe we could have done something better and a little differently. There's many things I wish I would have seen the reality of it better, and change what I did. We can only learn from our past behavior, and hopefully have better reactions because of it.

 

[soresoul]

It's better in the end she didn't work out. If she was being ****** and cold towards you and you end up staying with her, who knows what kind of demon she could of been towards you later on in life.

Now to quote the late great Ronnie James dio. Don't dream of women, they will only bring you down.

 

[morrowrd]

To the point, I’m only now at 51 understanding that how the **** didn’t I understand that way back then…how did I miss her message? Was I not reading the letters? I've spent all these years wondering why the cold shoulder on my trip to Dallas, that was a story I shared with the other women I was in relationships with. What a bitch she was. Now, I’m wondering what was wrong with me? I almost feel like the letters were written to me today, and I owe her an apology for not respecting her wishes.  The letters from the other girls, all had similar themes….. I am ashamed of myself for not leaving them alone.  I don’t see this collection as a “love letter” collection anymore.  And I feel some empathy towards others who unknowingly pursue women, who have such low comprehension skills that they don’t see the writing on the wall.

I think a lot of us go through this at one point or another. At the time, we're just wondering, "What the hell..." and we don't want to see both sides to the situation. Perhaps we grow a little bit, mature a little bit. Open our eyes to certain aspects, then we finally are able to see that maybe we could have done something better and a little differently. There's many things I wish I would have seen the reality of it better, and change what I did. We can only learn from our past behavior, and hopefully have better reactions because of it.

Thanks Vanilla. I agree, life has a way of mentoring us. Yep I went through a personal reform, but thankfully maturing "helped" that process. Although in my case, I doubt without personal willpower and work I would be the man I am today because I was a mess. Extra effort in my case, was needed.  It just sucks to think about where I was...I hate thinking about that part of my life. My son is years ahead me compared to when I was his age.  Alot of young people nowdays are so much more put together than I had been in my 20's. My new boss, is 30ish.... he is ahead of me, more than I am right now.  I think he's idealistic, and at times I've had to "guide" him when it's appropriate but in the big picture, he's doing an excellent mature job.  I don't run a pity party, I have skills that are valuable - both life skills and life systems that have made me successful. The thing about me is much came from determination and effort, maturity did help because maturity helps us "see" better. Understand clearer. Yet in spite of that, I needed to improvise.  

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This was a pretty interesting read. I think a of lot of guys can relate to this somewhat. I can at least

I've said this before, we are all brothers (and sisters) here. Social dysfunction brings us together.

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It's better in the end she didn't work out. If she was being ****** and cold towards you and you end up staying with her, who knows what kind of demon she could of been towards you later on in life.

Now to quote the late great Ronnie James dio. Don't dream of women, they will only bring you down.

I miss Dio

 

[morrowrd]

I mentioned "young people" - not that I'm an old man, but with regards to my son and saying he's ahead of me when I was his age, I just remember what I was doing at 23, they were agonizing years for me.

I'm pretty much talking about social things here for the most part.  My boss is thirty, and he runs a staff of about 40 people. He's an administrator, and dealing with higher up administrators. He says all the right things, has good judgment, has really effortless people skills.  And at thirty, I was going through the first two years of personal reform where I had to withdraw from everyone to press the reset button, and learn things from scratch.

So I mean that when I say people are ahead as opposed to where I was.  And even now, I realize I'll never possess that social ability that others take for granted.  

Anyway, not to get off the subject.  I looked over my answer to Vanilla and wanted to clear all that up.  Maturity doesn't always grant you social skills.  It does grant you better vision and judgement. Although remember the saying: "good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment."

 

[morrowrd]

So, this morning I shared this story with my fiancee, about these letters.  Now her walls are up - what a mistake that was.  There are times I wish I had a close male friend with some good wisdom, whom I could have talked about this with.  She says I don't understand women, that may be true.  I have since reading those letters re-evaluated ALL my relationships with people in general, just to see if there are others I might be missing who have the "right" to not have me thinking we have a friendship.  My mom is on that list.... long story, the short version is we are estranged, always have been. And without going into history, I started to reach out via old fashioned letter writing. She does email, phone calls, but I felt old fashioned stamps and envelopes provided enough of a boundary to reach out.  I've since changed my mind, and tried explaining this to my fiancee. There is alot of pain in my past, that I have had to wall off.  Personal reform was a savior, and that took ten years.  It doesn't however, erase the past. And it didn't erase everything about who I was. Some of that still is a part of my life pattern. I've just adapted. And I was just trying to share that with her. 

Of course she asks questions that have nothing to do with my message, such as "have you tried to look Christy up online?" Which I have, and said so. SHE'S looked up people she's dated herself, ALL of us have I believe.  So it's all about that now, and not what I was trying to communicate, which is a life pattern of people not liking me, whom I think do.