Lost lonely blogger will not befriend other lost lonely types

[HappyYogi]

I reposted this:

I read a blog, written by a 40+ year old single woman. She is anonymous, of course, and talks about her pain in being single at this age, her friends fading away due to marriage and children leaving her lonely and how hard it is to find dates she likes. She talks about all sorts of things.

She hasn't said she is lonely or sad but it's pretty clear. She talks about her "low points" of this year, working all the time, little personal life, etc etc.

We are all supportive.

Here is the clincher...even though she is lost and lonely she is critical and rejecting of others who are also lost and lonely and seeking attachments. She calls them "problematic".

Huh? This irritates me. Tell me if I am wrong here or perhaps I am reacting from something personal here...but I think if you want more love in your life, and you are lonely and feeling friendless, perhaps you should be more tolerant/accepting to those who are in the same place?

This is one thing that really bugs me about people. They can't tolerate the needy, the wounded, the lonely, the forsaken...everyone wants someone who is very "together" even if they are not "together" themselves. To me it reeks of a lack of self-acceptance and awareness.

I would say this is an "effect" of loneliness where maybe someone hates their situation so much, or they hate themselves for feeling it they can't tolerate another in the same situation!

Thoughts?

 

[Sci-Fi]

Sounds like you hit the nail on the head there.

She's rejecting people who are just like her, ones that are reminders of her own situation. Some people do that.

 

[Peter Lorre]

This is one thing that really bugs me about people. They can't tolerate the needy, the wounded, the lonely, the forsaken...everyone wants someone who is very "together" even if they are not "together" themselves. To me it reeks of a lack of self-acceptance and awareness.

This is so true, unfortunately.

 

[MadMonkè]

But she might have a high self-image of herself. a strong will and determination. - workoholic much?

maybe she feels lonely because nobody seems to be as strong as her (in her mind). I know some women seem to have this issue...
and she may think that people who are lonely/depressed are less motivated or productive as herself... even though she is lonely too

or maybe thats just my projection of myself... but everyone has their own reasons...

 

[Ak5]

And thus the reason why she can't find dates or make new friends.

 

[HappyYogi]

She claims othe women who want to befriend her have mental health issues, drug abuse issues...I am skeptical though. I don't think those with drug issues routinely try to attach themselves to hard working, professional women. They haven't been attracted to me.

She made it clear earlier...that a lot of them are "lost", "unconnected" like her and therefore "problematic"! I think I just got turned off from her blog because she is lacking self-awareness/compassion/emotional generosity.

 

[Sci-Fi]

So basically she wants the complete opposite of herself instead of people she can relate to or help. Meh, I understand that. I have a part time employee who is the complete opposite of me, I usually enjoy having him in at work, he's so upbeat and happy all the time. No drama. It's a nice change of pace and lifts your mood when you are around someone like that.

 

[MadMonkè]

She claims othe women who want to befriend her have mental health issues, drug abuse issues...I am skeptical though. I don't think those with drug issues routinely try to attach themselves to hard working, professional women. They haven't been attracted to me.

She made it clear earlier...that a lot of them are "lost", "unconnected" like her and therefore "problematic"! I think I just got turned off from her blog because she is lacking self-awareness/compassion/emotional generosity.

im attracted to you already.
im a dude.. but we can make it work..

 

[Lost Drifter]

Some interesting points have been raised so far. She could certainly see herself as being isolated due to her own success, another “its lonely at the top” scenario, but a part of me wonders if she’s looking for a crutch to carry her out of the hole she finds herself in.

A long time ago a colleague of mine confided in me about his depression. We spoke about the causes and effects, examined different solutions and somehow I became the person who he turned to for support, I became his crutch and he seemed grateful for everything I did. After time, feeling I could trust this colleague, I told him about my own struggle with depression and his attitude towards me changed in an instant. He no longer sought my advice; he deliberately avoided me at work and made me feel like I had done something terribly wrong. Just as I needed a friend I was abandoned.

In time I realised he treated me like that because, in revealing my own weaknesses, I was no longer the strong, steadfast crutch he wanted me to be. In his eyes I was just as bad as he so there was no way he could look up to me and there was no way that my advice could hold any more value than his own. I suspect a similar thing going on with this woman, that she wants a crutch to help her overcome her loneliness but will see others in the same situation as her to be lacking. That old phrase “two wrongs don’t make a right” could be used in a new context here. Perhaps she is so focussed on finding a crutch, someone who she perceives as being a better person, to help her our of her own situation that she can’t see the value of others already in it.

 

[HappyYogi]

I am so sorry that happened to you Lost Drifter. That must of stung. But you know that was about him,not you.

I think that is why my aunt suddenly dropped me. She couldn't accept my problem. She couldn't tolerate it.

Bleh, I say to those people.

All of you understand what is going on here.

I left this on her blog:

If you want a friend, be a friend. If you want more love in your life by loving. If you want to be saved, save someone else.

 

[MadMonkè]

maybe he was a little homophobic...

insense emotional connection like that could lead anywhere...

... no ****

 

[Lost for now]

Honestly, if I were in her position, I'd stay away too. I wouldn't want to add to someone else's problems. I think it's the reason I am actually lonely right now.
Although, belittling someone else's problems isn't what I'd do.

 

[Tiina63]

I think there could be several reasons.
Being with people who share your loneliness can, on one hand, be reassuring as it lets you know you are not the only one, but it can also hurt, because it touches so deeply into your own pain. Many people can write anonymously about their loneliness on blogs, almost intellectualising the process, but coming face to face with the rawness of how it feels when they encounter someone who is dealking with it on an emotional level is too much for them.
Also, when you are very lonely and needy yourself, you don't have so much emotionally to give to others as your own needs are so strong. So someone coming to you for a lot of support can seem threatening and draining because you don't have the resources to help them properly. You feel scared of being sucked into a bottomless pit of demands, and of having to meet all of their needs while your own needs go unmet.