Love shouldn't be a struggle

[Mike413]

Based on my own experiences and some of the things I have seen on here I just wanted to state something that should be somewhat obvious but really apparently isn't.

I mean the whole process should not be a struggle from the moment you meet them to the dating thing to being bf/gf to marriage or whatever. None of it should be a struggle. If you are struggling and it's too hard or taking too long for the two of you to be romantic then it's just not meant to be. If there's too much emotional baggage or too much drama or too much dysfunction then again it's probably not a good idea to pursue romance with this person. This goes for both men and women regardless of who is pursuing who or who is interested in who first.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Shouldn't be a struggle, no, I agree... But you have to at least work for it. You don't go to a job, not work, and expect a pay check. If you constantly never did work, expect to be fired. You don't buy a piece of furniture and expect to open the box with everything already put together. You have to built it, piece it together, and fasten it together in order to enjoy and use your furniture.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Everyone is broken in their own special way. Some just want someone to care enough to not feel alone, then the pain goes away.

 

[Mike413]

I guess I meant mostly in the beginning stages but even later on I don't think it should be a struggle. Sure you have to work at it but it should be mostly fun work(at least in the beginning). I think that's part of the problem with many marriages and relationships. People don't want to work at them. They either get lazy or bored or just lose interest. They think it's all fun and games when in fact you do have to put emotional effort into it.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

The reason I don't date is for the same reasons I don't design buildings. I don't know how to build a building, and neither how to date, and I don't feel it's necessary to put in the time to learn, when I can work on more worthwhile things.

And if I'm the only one doing the work, it feels more like a full time job, and not love.

 

[PrinceOfPeace]

Putting the time into dating a person not looking for love is a sure path to hurtsville,how ever putting time into a person worth loving is deffinatley worth the work & if its real love from both parties its easy work!

 

[Mike413]

Most of us weren't taught how to date. For the most part it's something you either get or you don't. It's a cruel world in the sense that some have a lot of luck and are good at it while others struggle and are just left out in the cold. For now it's something I'm putting on hold. I will never lose the faith though that one day I might be successful in the love department.

 

[PrinceOfPeace]

Most of us weren't taught how to date. For the most part it's something you either get or you don't. It's a cruel world in the sense that some have a lot of luck and are good at it while others struggle and are just left out in the cold. For now it's something I'm putting on hold. I will never lose the faith though that one day I might be successful in the love department.

Dont give up Mikey,im sure theres a woman out there seaching for a guy just like you, some people are fast learners and very observant so they pick up & learn from mistakes quickly, dating is like anything, you put alot of time into it you will eventual get better at it, a good attitude is essential, girls love a guy with confidence too theres a big difference between confidence and arrogance tho, I love that thingy on Evewasframed's profile something about recieving what ur willing to give, its very true

 

[Mike413]

Uh no. I just said I haven't given up but am just not looking at the moment. Actually it's more like I'm not just not in the space right now to go out of my way or put too much effort into it. If I studied martial arts and played in a rock band I'd probably have chicks crawling all over me.

 

[Sci-Fi]

Everyone is broken in their own special way. Some just want someone to care enough to not feel alone, then the pain goes away.

+1 This is so true.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Most of us weren't taught how to date. For the most part it's something you either get or you don't. It's a cruel world in the sense that some have a lot of luck and are good at it while others struggle and are just left out in the cold. For now it's something I'm putting on hold. I will never lose the faith though that one day I might be successful in the love department.

Err, I beg to differ.

A lot of guys have fathers they can go to about girls. I was raised by a single mom. Spare me the discussions of the harmful effects of single parents, but growing up, my mom tried to be both the mom and the dad...and that simple didn't work, because I had a mental illness.

At the same time I was trying to start dating, I was being bullied for being different, I was acting different, and I was trying to get with girls...who didn't want to date me, because I was an odd teenager. Bipolar is an odd illness, I was normal before I was hit with it. I had nobody to go to for advice, and all my mom threw out was "just be yourself, if a girl likes you she will want to date you." This is ******** advice...if someone wants to date you, you still have to make the first move, and if you get nervous even touching her shoulder, how are you supposed to do more?

It's like the characters on the Big Bang Theory. My sister has compared me to Raj, because I am very into looking good, I am a bit feminine, and I get nervous and feel a bit faint around women. Not as bad as Raj, but I still am afraid of girls, and I don't know how to get over this, because who wants to date someone who's afraid of them? At the same time, I know I'm not gay, because I have no interest in having sex with other guys, but get random erections around pretty girls (yes, even at the age of 30 I still get random erections.)

So maybe if I had had a mentor at the time I started having bipolar illness, and being attracted to girls, maybe I would have gotten somewhere? When you're shy, being bullied, and targeted for being different as a teenager, that kind of thing stays with you into adulthood...and I'm in therapy right now, trying to kill it once and for all (and even my therapist has said that I may be a lost cause in the dating realm.) I am on medication and stable from the mood disorder, but I still feel depression, thanks to being eternally single.

I am probably going to regret posting this, because it is a LOT of personal and private info, and it will probably come back to bite me...but here goes.

 

[Mike413]

That's brave of you to share that information. There are dating sites for those with disabilities(that would include mental stuff like bi polar). Anyway, my experience is similar to yours. I was bullied in my teens and even earlier and to some degree even later in life. I feel like people view me as some sort of "human cartoon." What I mean is they see me as some sort of big dorky loser. When I have posted pictures of myself on dating sites all can think of is "most girls I would be attracted to will think I'm a big dork. I say that not because I am a dork or feel like a dork but that most people would probably judge me superficially by thinking to themselves that I look like a dork." So I'm kind of paranoid about not wanting to be seen that way and not being anyone's doormat or someone they just **** with. If I was tough looking(or more tough looking) it would happen a lot less. I think that's why so many guys get tattoos so they look tougher. Same thing with piercings although they are less common. Anyway, I guess the bottom line is I can live my life according to other people's perception of me(or at least what I think it is)or I can live my own life according to my own rules and not care much about what others(especially those I don't know)think of me. I chose the later even though it will not gain me many friends but the first one won't either and even if it does I'd be their slave in a sense always wanting to please people and get them to like me.

There are ways to improve your social skills with people in general and with women. There are a lot of resources on the internet. However, ultimately it's about you. You can read until you are blue in the face but unless you put what you read to use it will do you no good. I tend to get caught up in the world of the internet and not go out enough so I know just sitting here won't get me very far. Like I said in another post you have to get out of your comfort zone and just do things you don't necessarily want to do if you want to succeed(not just with women but with life in general).

 

[PrinceOfPeace]

Uh no. I just said I haven't given up but am just not looking at the moment. Actually it's more like I'm not just not in the space right now to go out of my way or put too much effort into it. If I studied martial arts and played in a rock band I'd probably have chicks crawling all over me.

I posted a reply but it musnt have come through so Ill post again, Its funny though cos I dont think of myself as an atracttive guy I have attractive qualitys yeah and we all do, but it wasnt till a friend pointed out how negitive id become due to falied experiences in life that I realised the need for change, then when I did change my attitude I noticed women found me more aproachable, when you have issues with yourself your bodylanguage, attitude posture etc give of certain vibes that the opposite sex feels in some way or another & more often than not women will avoid you, strictly speaking from my own experience ofc, I guess we dont see how sumtimes we can be our own worst enemy.

 

[Mike413]

Smiling probably helps a lot too(and I don't mean a big toothy grin) and also looking like you are having fun and are comfortable in whatever environment you are in.

 

[PrinceOfPeace]

Smiling probably helps a lot too(and I don't mean a big toothy grin) and also looking like you are having fun and are comfortable in whatever environment you are in.

Haha very true tho I smile alot now & Ive got loads of missing and cracked teeth from martial arts bouts but im lucky its the side ones and not the two main front teeth haha!