L
Luna
Guest
The Thread Subject isn't addressed to anyone in particular here - but rather, a statement that I've come to believe that applies to how others have acted towards me up to this point.
You see, I have had one encounter after another with one bad apple and then some.
This isn't a case of where I am attracted to people who treat me poorly - while I may not necessarily "fight back" - I at least will run away when I feel that I am being harmed.
With my attempts to build upon my self-esteem, confidence and friendships - I can say that I have met a diverse group of people in the past few years. Majority - if not all - of the encounters have gone poorly with the other party either being not interested in me, not reciprocating/ putting effort towards the friendship; ulterior motives/ mistreating me and lying to me in attempt to use me for my body.
Do I wish to be friends with these people?
No. I do not want to be friends with people who have disrespected me and are not genuine.
These people - what do I think of them?
Until today...I used to think that these people were rotten to the core and horrible human beings.
However...I am starting to think differently.
It isn't that they are horrible through and through...it's just...me that they do not like and I have to accept that.
1st scenario:
The one that affected me the most was a young man that was introduced to me through a family friend. This fellow came from a conservative, art-loving, respectful, "farmer" family. He was my age - a "nerdish", shy, self-proclaimed lonely, virgin who had several scholarships and dreams of becoming a writer. He was highly spoken of by everyone I know and described as "polite" "gentle" "sweet". As described by his friends, he has a heart of gold and is gentle to animals, volunteers and helps others etc.
Imagine my shock when I finally put it together...that all he viewed me for was as a tool to lose his virginity and a body to practice ******* so he could finally pursue the woman he was interested in. "What a horrible person!" I thought...but it wasn't that he was a horrible person and treated everyone else as such.
When I found out he poured over 8 hours in drawing this woman's portrait in charcoal...and stumbled over his beautifully-written poetry for her - it crushed me and broke my heart.
The fact that he did put so much effort and time into a pure act of kindness towards another person made me realize he wasn't bad through and through.
"How could he be so good to her and yet...be so bad to me?"
This honestly broke my brain - I expected it from others - but not him. Not a gentle, kind soul like him.
The fact is, he just didn't like me.
He had many friends...I saw pictures of him with a diverse group of young women and men - all races, all shapes and all sizes.
He didn't want a relationship with me; he didn't want a friendship with me; he didn't even want an acquaintance with me.
He just didn't like me.
2nd scenario, part I:
I joined my current job 2 years ago the same time as another co-worker. While we share some similar personality traits; shy, quiet, "minds-own-business" etc - there is a difference in how the co-workers and other people have reacted to the two of us when we are together.
Even as new employees...people approached her and wanted to go to know her.
I was very positive at that time - I was proactive and approached everyone instead. I felt good.
I was friendly, funny and my Team Leader even remarked on my Performance Review that I was such a joy to be around because I'm such a happy person.
However, when it became apparent that my co-workers only wanted to know me on a superficial level...it was very disheartening. I have no issue with not forming a deeper relationship with my co-workers as I like to keep my personal and professional life separate - but seeing how open and interested others were in my co-worker; as opposed to me - even though we're similar in several ways and started at the same time...made me wake up to the fact that no one truly liked me. My co-worker even remarked to me...that she doesn't even need to make friends or worry about losing any.
People just like her and they just come to her.
2nd scenario, part II:
When two new girls around my age joined the office - I spent quite a bit of time teaching them the procedures and showing them around at my Team Leader's request.
(The staff at my office are mostly 40-something, and the co-worker I pointed out and these two new girls are around my age, 20-something.)
I thought that with friendly conversation and the time that they were spending with me...that they were comfortable with me. However, when the other co-worker, I, and them were together - they talked of having a group lunch. As I was there - I thought that I was included.
They were nice about it and indirectly told me that it was just the three of them.
You can call them rude, inconsiderate...whatever you like, but the bottom-line is that they treated me as such because they just didn't like me.
3rd scenario:
This scenario happened many years ago...a family outing with family friends for the New Year. There were other girls my age and my family member commented to me after the outing was over...that she was shocked. She said that I was pretty, friendly and funny...that I acted perfectly normal, and yet - she could see and feel that the other girls did not like me. They rolled their eyes at me and well; they just didn't like me. She finally witnessed what I had been complaining for so long. She admitted to having believed that I caused others to not like me by acting piss-poor...but this was an example of it not being as such.
You might consider her well thoughts of me to be biased because she is family - but this isn't the first time and I've had this commented to me by non-family members as well.
***
(This is long...I know...)
I feel that I've made progress in realizing that just because someone has treated me bad - does not make them a bad person through and through.
This realization has helped me let go some of my hatred.
I can't hate everyone that has been bad to me or dislikes me...it would be so many people that I would have to hate!
I don't want to have this negative energy in me towards people in general.
I may dislike people's actions, but to hate is exhausting, consuming and miserable.
To hate someone for not liking me is so emotionally draining over something so trivial.
I only hope that as I strive for improvement and meet new people that I draw out the good and not the bad.
Even if I do draw out the bad; I hope that I will have the patience and understanding to simply forgive and move forward.
I can't hate anymore.
I've reached my limit.
I think I just broke myself.
You see, I have had one encounter after another with one bad apple and then some.
This isn't a case of where I am attracted to people who treat me poorly - while I may not necessarily "fight back" - I at least will run away when I feel that I am being harmed.
With my attempts to build upon my self-esteem, confidence and friendships - I can say that I have met a diverse group of people in the past few years. Majority - if not all - of the encounters have gone poorly with the other party either being not interested in me, not reciprocating/ putting effort towards the friendship; ulterior motives/ mistreating me and lying to me in attempt to use me for my body.
Do I wish to be friends with these people?
No. I do not want to be friends with people who have disrespected me and are not genuine.
These people - what do I think of them?
Until today...I used to think that these people were rotten to the core and horrible human beings.
However...I am starting to think differently.
It isn't that they are horrible through and through...it's just...me that they do not like and I have to accept that.
1st scenario:
The one that affected me the most was a young man that was introduced to me through a family friend. This fellow came from a conservative, art-loving, respectful, "farmer" family. He was my age - a "nerdish", shy, self-proclaimed lonely, virgin who had several scholarships and dreams of becoming a writer. He was highly spoken of by everyone I know and described as "polite" "gentle" "sweet". As described by his friends, he has a heart of gold and is gentle to animals, volunteers and helps others etc.
Imagine my shock when I finally put it together...that all he viewed me for was as a tool to lose his virginity and a body to practice ******* so he could finally pursue the woman he was interested in. "What a horrible person!" I thought...but it wasn't that he was a horrible person and treated everyone else as such.
When I found out he poured over 8 hours in drawing this woman's portrait in charcoal...and stumbled over his beautifully-written poetry for her - it crushed me and broke my heart.
The fact that he did put so much effort and time into a pure act of kindness towards another person made me realize he wasn't bad through and through.
"How could he be so good to her and yet...be so bad to me?"
This honestly broke my brain - I expected it from others - but not him. Not a gentle, kind soul like him.
The fact is, he just didn't like me.
He had many friends...I saw pictures of him with a diverse group of young women and men - all races, all shapes and all sizes.
He didn't want a relationship with me; he didn't want a friendship with me; he didn't even want an acquaintance with me.
He just didn't like me.
2nd scenario, part I:
I joined my current job 2 years ago the same time as another co-worker. While we share some similar personality traits; shy, quiet, "minds-own-business" etc - there is a difference in how the co-workers and other people have reacted to the two of us when we are together.
Even as new employees...people approached her and wanted to go to know her.
I was very positive at that time - I was proactive and approached everyone instead. I felt good.
I was friendly, funny and my Team Leader even remarked on my Performance Review that I was such a joy to be around because I'm such a happy person.
However, when it became apparent that my co-workers only wanted to know me on a superficial level...it was very disheartening. I have no issue with not forming a deeper relationship with my co-workers as I like to keep my personal and professional life separate - but seeing how open and interested others were in my co-worker; as opposed to me - even though we're similar in several ways and started at the same time...made me wake up to the fact that no one truly liked me. My co-worker even remarked to me...that she doesn't even need to make friends or worry about losing any.
People just like her and they just come to her.
2nd scenario, part II:
When two new girls around my age joined the office - I spent quite a bit of time teaching them the procedures and showing them around at my Team Leader's request.
(The staff at my office are mostly 40-something, and the co-worker I pointed out and these two new girls are around my age, 20-something.)
I thought that with friendly conversation and the time that they were spending with me...that they were comfortable with me. However, when the other co-worker, I, and them were together - they talked of having a group lunch. As I was there - I thought that I was included.
They were nice about it and indirectly told me that it was just the three of them.
You can call them rude, inconsiderate...whatever you like, but the bottom-line is that they treated me as such because they just didn't like me.
3rd scenario:
This scenario happened many years ago...a family outing with family friends for the New Year. There were other girls my age and my family member commented to me after the outing was over...that she was shocked. She said that I was pretty, friendly and funny...that I acted perfectly normal, and yet - she could see and feel that the other girls did not like me. They rolled their eyes at me and well; they just didn't like me. She finally witnessed what I had been complaining for so long. She admitted to having believed that I caused others to not like me by acting piss-poor...but this was an example of it not being as such.
You might consider her well thoughts of me to be biased because she is family - but this isn't the first time and I've had this commented to me by non-family members as well.
***
(This is long...I know...)
I feel that I've made progress in realizing that just because someone has treated me bad - does not make them a bad person through and through.
This realization has helped me let go some of my hatred.
I can't hate everyone that has been bad to me or dislikes me...it would be so many people that I would have to hate!
I don't want to have this negative energy in me towards people in general.
I may dislike people's actions, but to hate is exhausting, consuming and miserable.
To hate someone for not liking me is so emotionally draining over something so trivial.
I only hope that as I strive for improvement and meet new people that I draw out the good and not the bad.
Even if I do draw out the bad; I hope that I will have the patience and understanding to simply forgive and move forward.
I can't hate anymore.
I've reached my limit.
I think I just broke myself.
