maybe you can relate.....

[DarkWishes]

[/font]This is my very first post. I've been coming to this forum for a little while and finally I feel like I just HAVE to share my story. (female)
So here it goes.
For as long as I could remember I always felt that being alone was part of who I am and for a very long time I felt good with being alone. I come from a very small family, most of my relatives are deceased and I don't have any siblings. It's always been me my mom and my dad. However, I was raised mostly by my grandparents till I was about ten because of my parents' work. They traveled a great deal. Anway, I didn't date in high school at ALL. None. Not because I couldn't or had severe restrictions but always felt pretty inadequate and unattractive. I was told that I have kind of an interesting look (i'm Eastern European/Armenian) but for the most part it really hasn't won me anything. Looks are not everything, I know but somehow I always felt that I'm much better off doing things by myself and for a long time it never bothered me all that much. Until I hit my early 20s. I was in a five year long relationship with someone and engaged for three years. Yes, that is a long engagement. I was young and I missed every red flag that indicated that I should break it off, but fear literally kept me from leaving. There was tons of emotional and mental abuse but I always thought that I was the one to blame for it (that is at least what my ex had been telling all the time). After five years of all this I finally walked away. But it has cost me so much. I have lost contact with almost every single person I've known, plus the break-up itself....man, I wouldn't wish it upon anyone what I went through. The final out come was that my ex kicked me and spit on me while all my stuff went flying down the stairs. I have been struggling with severe depression for about seven years. I thought I beat my depression about four years ago but I was sooo very wrong. It's mostly that feeling of nothingness and never ending emptiness that I feel. Except now six months since the break-up I feel at my utmost lowest of the low. I also started to display some severe anger issues (even though I'm not the "angry type") my folks think it's because I've been with someone who had anger issues for so long that it just went onto me. I don't know maybe, but mostly I feel angry at being cheated of what could've been. I'm almost thirty years old, and I really feel that I haven't done anything good or right with my life. It's not just my failed relationship, but everything else. My professional life is a mess (I'm currently enrolled in a CNA program to eventually go into nursing) but feel that with my loneliness and depression it's affecting my job performance and my ability to stay in the program, I have lost almost every single person that I thought was close to me, I had trouble holding down jobs in the past, and just that feeling of being different in a bad way has been with me as long as I cold remember; I may talk to one or two people every once in a while. All my friends are married and have families of their own so I feel like they don't really want to contact me anymore (and it shows) maybe they think all I want to do is go out and drink and party but that's not it.
That is all in a nutshell what I'm writing here. There's so much more stuff but I don't want to write pages and pages on my first post if you know what I mean. I've been a shadow for the past seven or eight years or so. But you'd never know if you were to meet me. I tend to smile a lot and I'm pretty happy on the outside but it's all an act. No one knows that inside I'm just dying. And with each day it's getting harder and harder to get up and face the day. Also someone I've cared for deeply not that long ago has betrayed me so I've pretty much lost all hope of ever giving my entire heart to anybody. Actuallly, I don't wan to to give anything anymore. The only thing that keeps me going is my career that gives me hope for a better future so I'll be able to have some steady income. As far as anything else in life, I'm like on automatic. But what scares me is how deeply and severly depressed I am and loneliness is taking out this anger in me. It's frightening but I've learned how to deal with it. But angry feelings keep coming back. It's only a temporary fix. Depression and anger are ugly combos.
Well, thank you for reading. Maybe you can relate a little bit.

 

[Naleena]

It sounds like your going through a really hard time. Depression is a very real problem for a lot of people. I read once that anger is something we feel and it can cover emotions that we really have. When we don't deal with our emotions then anger appears on top of what we are feeling. Think of it like a volcano. Pressure build inside of us when we push things down. We smile. We pretend we are ok, when really we are not. So we stuff what hurts inside of us never letting it out. There is only so much a human being can take before they break. There is only so much pain we can hold in and ignore until it bubbles and spews in the form of anger or other things, like apathy. I'm sorry you had your heart broken. It's hard to trust people after that. In that respect, you are not alone.
I hope you find the strength to continue in your education to become a CNA and then a nurse. I did that and haven't regretted it. It is nice having a steady decent income and helping people at the same time. It gives you a way to explore new things for yourself that maybe you couldn't have afforded. I guess all you can do is take it day by day. As my sis would say, baby steps. I think it's a good sign that you opened up and shared your experience. (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))

 

[deirdre]

i had to get away from that one person who kept reminding me we create what we experience, what we attract..... it annoyed the hell out of me to be told that me, my thoughts, are creating the misery I am in.....I don't know if it's true or not but i do know that it probably doesn't help that i do feel set apart, i do feel different.... and i tend to push people out of my life, when they hugely disappointment me i feel so violated, how can i trust them again? I never had a career, i lost job after job after job, the constant struggle with depression takes its toll on peforming well over any period of time. And yeah, i do that same thing, little miss sunshine on the outside, people can't imagine the roiling turmoil inside of me...and yeah, accepted that abuse thing....for almost 30 straight years....so here i am just as messed up as you at double your age....

what to say to you so that you don't wind up like me??? i don't know....except try like hell to find a great therapist.... really I think that is the only out .... i never found a competent one, every time I went, I talked and talked and talked, i poured out the whole sordid story of my life, the pain, the torment, the aching need, the overwhelming sadness and nothingness of me....and never once, not once, was there someone there to like give me some guidance how to get out of it, what small steps to take to get away from it.... it was either just shoving drugs at me like taking a pill would make it all better or "you are remarkable for what you have endured, look at your strengths and get a better self image".... duh? sometimes it just feels like you are broken beyond repair doesn't it? but i stand by my advice..... hopefully you can find someone who can help you get back on the right road so you don't feel so lost anymore

 

[SOLBREAKS]

DARKWISHES i like your name. was it your pain that created the name.

 

[DarkWishes]

DARKWISHES i like your name. was it your pain that created the name.

Thanks, the name just came to me while stuck on a long car ride lol

 

[BunnyNumber8]

It's always nice to meet a fellow Armenian ^__^ *huggles*
I think studying to eventually go into nursing is great and I do hope you will accomplish it. What you went through is truly terrible but there's always a way to go through it and return strong especially with help from others ;___; I wish you the best and don't give up