My brother doesn't really understand

[putter65]

Just been to see him, he lives in another town. He's different to me, he's had dozens of girlfriends.

We got chatting late at night and he said a few things. He told me try internet dating, that's how he met his current girlfriend. I told him I look terrible in photographs so it would be a waste of money and time. He looked at me kind of strange, didn't really understand. I then said I hated the thought of a blind date because I don't like been judged. He said 'why wouldn't these women like you ?'

I didn't really answer him. He also said you've got to learn to see the signals. Honestly, I don't see any. Ever !

 

[I'm Fine]

So your brother who, by your own admission, has had a lot of girlfriends can't see any reason why women wouldn't like you. Do you know what that tells me? That there's no reason why women (in general) wouldn't like you. I think you're right that he doesn't understand. From the sounds of it, he doesn't understand why you'd be insecure about yourself. Perhaps you should trust him - trust that he'd have told you if there was a reason why they wouldn't like you - and give yourself a chance. You may do better than you think.

As to the signals? I think that'll just take time and practice.

 

[putter65]

So your brother who, by your own admission, has had a lot of girlfriends can't see any reason why women wouldn't like you. Do you know what that tells me? That there's no reason why women (in general) wouldn't like you. I think you're right that he doesn't understand. From the sounds of it, he doesn't understand why you'd be insecure about yourself. Perhaps you should trust him - trust that he'd have told you if there was a reason why they wouldn't like you - and give yourself a chance. You may do better than you think.

As to the signals? I think that'll just take time and practice.

It's just the way I am. It's a flaw I have. I did look at an internet dating site. I look at the women and think 'she wouldn't be interested, she wouldn't, she wouldn't' etc. I look at the men and think 'he's better than me, he is, he is' etc.

Nobody can convince me I'm wrong, even though they try.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Hmm sounds to me like you should ask your brother for help. When he says "You just have to look for the signs" ask him to tell you a few.

Why not give internet dating a chance? They are not blind dates friend. Most dating sites allow you to talk to the person online long before you meet them in person.

I always recommend reading a PUA book. There are a lot out there. I have one in particular that I like. I can send you a link to it you are interested. These are books dedicated to teaching guys how to pick up chicks.

You want to know the answer to why these females won't like you... it is because you do not like you. Let me ask you, is your brother a popular guy. Does everyone seem to like him? Often times people pick up on our body language. Maybe not consciously, but they do... especially females. If you are happy and like yourself females will pick up on that and like you all the same... or so pretty much everyone has told me.... males and females a like.

 

[putter65]

Hmm sounds to me like you should ask your brother for help. When he says "You just have to look for the signs" ask him to tell you a few.

Why not give internet dating a chance? They are not blind dates friend. Most dating sites allow you to talk to the person online long before you meet them in person.

I always recommend reading a PUA book. There are a lot out there. I have one in particular that I like. I can send you a link to it you are interested. These are books dedicated to teaching guys how to pick up chicks.

You want to know the answer to why these females won't like you... it is because you do not like you. Let me ask you, is your brother a popular guy. Does everyone seem to like him? Often times people pick up on our body language. Maybe not consciously, but they do... especially females. If you are happy and like yourself females will pick up on that and like you all the same... or so pretty much everyone has told me.... males and females a like.

I've not lived with my brother for over 20 years so I don't know how popular he is.

I know I have self esteem issues but it's not everything. I actually do like myself and think most people like me. I think women like me but they don't want to date me. I am very likeable, polite and nice. That doesn't seem enough.

I haven't seen anything to change my mind about this.

A woman at work has made several comments about going out with me. I just don't take her seriously though, she always joking around. Women are like.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Was your brother popular when you lived with him? Did he seem to be able to easily make friends?

I think a lot of people on this forum fall into the likable but not dateable category. Why do you think you are not dateable? What makes you less of a worthy mate than the numerous amount of males who use females like tissues? These are questions we tend to not really ask of ourselves. For me I know it is my self-esteem. Most every female I show my picture too says I am attractive, physically. So why am I not beating the females off with a stick?

A consistent failure to attract a mate seems like a pretty good reason to change my view on how I approach mating.

I have run into the same thing as you and your co-worker. Much like you I always thought she was just joking around. Was she, I cannot be sure. One time after an office party she tried to get me to go home with her. I wrote it off as her joking around. Was she, I honestly cannot say for sure. A few months later she was dating her now husband. The moral of the story, assuming makes an ass out of you and me.

 

[putter65]

Was your brother popular when you lived with him? Did he seem to be able to easily make friends?

No that much. He always did have friends though.

I think a lot of people on this forum fall into the likable but not dateable category. Why do you think you are not dateable? What makes you less of a worthy mate than the numerous amount of males who use females like tissues? These are questions we tend to not really ask of ourselves. For me I know it is my self-esteem. Most every female I show my picture too says I am attractive, physically. So why am I not beating the females off with a stick?

What makes me less worthy than others ?

Lots of little things. Firstly, I'm 43 next week and never had a relationship with a woman. (A few dates here and there is all I've had). That's a bad start. I don't have many friends, I don't drink or socialize. This makes me unattractive to people because they think there is something wrong with me. We live in a drinking culture, people who don't are seen to be odd. I still live at home with my Dad, I ride a bike, I don't drive. I don't really like the things others do, tv, films etc. I'm nothing to look at and my body langauge and speaking voice is terrible. I just sound like a miserable git. All of this adds up to women not wanting to date me.

A consistent failure to attract a mate seems like a pretty good reason to change my view on how I approach mating.

I have run into the same thing as you and your co-worker. Much like you I always thought she was just joking around. Was she, I cannot be sure. One time after an office party she tried to get me to go home with her. I wrote it off as her joking around. Was she, I honestly cannot say for sure. A few months later she was dating her now husband. The moral of the story, assuming makes an ass out of you and me.

She calls me 'her lover' and talks to customers as though we are living together, tells me to run the bath, stuff like that. She did notice when I was quiet the other week and made a comment saying 'she didn't like it when I was quiet' - We also had this exchange :

Her - see you at the weekend
Me - Why ? What are we doing ?
Her - anything you like !

She's the type who is always joking about though and I reckon it's just harmless banter / teasing. If it continues though, I will say something. I will call her bluff.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

What is the old saying "nothing ventured nothing gained."? Why not use this chance to practice flirting? After all, she is clearly flirting with you. Whether or not it is authentic is besides the point.

Maybe ask your brother for some good lines. Who knows maybe she will go fro joking to serious.

 

[putter65]

What is the old saying "nothing ventured nothing gained."? Why not use this chance to practice flirting? After all, she is clearly flirting with you. Whether or not it is authentic is besides the point.

Maybe ask your brother for some good lines. Who knows maybe she will go fro joking to serious.

Oh I do flirt with her. Maybe because I'm not that bothered, I can say things I wouldn't with women I do have feelings for. (I have very strong feelings for another woman who I am friends with. And with her I am very carefull what I say !)

I have noticed other things she has said. I was blowing on my hands because they were cold and she said ' cold hands, warm heart' and then went on to say she thought I did have a warm heart and with the 'right bird' - I would treat her really well. She then said that she was available. And then started laughing.

I'm pretty sure she is like this with all men though, it's just the way she is.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Hmmm yeah I will admit some females just like flirting. However, most females base a males interest on his aggression as well. When a oppurunity presents itself. Ask her out, and be serious.

with this other female just pretend she is your co-worker. A good way to get a females attention is to show interest in her. She might reject you, however, she might also jump all over you. IT sucks to have reproductive organs on the outside. Because we have to be the aggressor... I hate it. However, that is life. It is also good to get rejected by people you are interested in. That way you can learn how to coup.

 

[putter65]

Maybe that's why I go wrong. I never want to pay a woman too much attention. I don't want to get on their nerves or become too needy. The woman I like, we have gone on two 'golf dates', really enjoyed ourselves. She even said 'see you real soon' - That was a week ago and I haven't got in touch with her. I think about her all the time but from her point of view, maybe I don't so much; since I don't bombard her with messages.