My only friend in the world just dumped me

[Sophie99]

I'm trying so hard to believe I'm not a defective person.  I'm trying to believe there is not something horribly wrong with me.  I try so hard to be nice to people, and considerate, and empathetic, but I don't understand why people don't like me.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional narcissistic family.  My parents have both passed away.  To this day, my sisters treat me like I'm defective and stupid and incompetent.  That's on a good day.  On the bad days, they are hostile and abusive.  On the bad days, they make me feel like trash.  Absolute garbage, something that deserves to be thrown away.  I've been working so hard to build up my self esteem, to prove to myself they are wrong and I'm a good, whole person who deserves to be loved.

I know I should be in therapy but I am unemployed and disabled, and I can't afford it.

So for the past couple of years, I had exactly one friend in the world.  I can't even bear to write her name right now, so just call her E.  In that time, she was mostly very sweet and always telling me things like how much she loved me and how she wanted to be friends forever.  We talked on the phone every week.  There were a few red flags.  She also grew up in a narcissistic family, and she has a tendency to imagine people are saying or thinking horrible things about her behind her back, when there was no evidence of that.  She's the kind of person who monitors other people's facebook pages, and gets upset if they are messaging each other more than they talk to her.  To say she is sensitive to criticism is a massive understatement.

I've been going through a rough time lately.  Among other things, I had a bad setback physically, so I'm in considerable pain, and immensely frustrated because I want so badly to get better.  So that's made me a little cranky lately, and our last phone call didn't go so well.  I was in a lot of pain from holding up the phone, and I told her this, that I needed to go.  Then I asked her one more question about her life, and she went into a long detailed explanation (that's another one of her habits, she talks a lot) and I started crying, apologizing and saying I really needed to go.  I thought about writing and explaining/apologizing to her later, but I didn't.  We've been friends for years, and she has said many times she loves me and wants to be friends forever.  So I never dreamed she would dump me over this.

But this morning I got an e-mail saying she doesn't want to call me anymore, because her  phone calls "bother" me.  Which is absolutely not true, something I had never said and never would say.  This goes back to what I was saying earlier, she imagines people are thinking horrible things about her when there is no evidence to support it.  Then she said since we're not going to talk on the phone there's no point in continuing the friendship.  I wrote her back, but there has been no reply.  Frankly, even if she does reply I'm scared to read it now.  I don't think I could take any more rejection.  But maybe she won't reply anyway.  Maybe she's ghosting me.

So needless to say this is triggering all my feelings of being worthless and defective.  Now I don't have any friends anywhere in the world.  And I don't understand.  What other explanation can there be except that there really is something wrong with me?  I probably should mention I'm in my fifties, so I'm trying to overcome many decades of loneliness and dysfunction, and it's not like I have a lot of energy and hope for the future.  I want to though.

Thank you very much to anybody who has actually read all this.  Any replies at all would really be the world to me right now.  I'm feeling like defective garbage that has been thrown away.  Please help.  Thank you for listening.

 

[Sophie99]

Did I post this in the wrong forum? Is this section just about romantic relationships?

Seriously any reply would mean so much even if it's really short. I feel so defective and unlovable and I have nobody

 

[harper]

Thank you very much to anybody who has actually read all this.  Any replies at all would really be the world to me right now.  I'm feeling like defective garbage that has been thrown away.  Please help.  Thank you for listening.

Hi, Sophie.   I read it, and I came away understanding a bit of what you're going through and how you're feeling.  I can't offer much advice, except to tell you that the way you're being treated by others is a reflection on them-- not on you.  But that doesn't make anything any better, I know.

Still, you're not hopeless or alone.  It sounds like the past is really bearing down on you right now, but remember:  this day will pass.  You'll discover how good it feels to be rid of the drama this 'lost friend' inflicted upon you. People like that validate themselves that way.  They have nothing positive to offer anyone else. 

Life should be pretty simple-- do the things you enjoy, be where you feel at home and let others who share your joys fit in with you.  Unfortunately, we're all pretty much stuck with our families, but while Life should be simple, it's not always easy.    :O)

I hope you get to feeling better soon.

 

[Sophie99]

Thank you very much to anybody who has actually read all this.  Any replies at all would really be the world to me right now.  I'm feeling like defective garbage that has been thrown away.  Please help.  Thank you for listening.

Hi, Sophie.   I read it, and I came away understanding a bit of what you're going through and how you're feeling.  I can't offer much advice, except to tell you that the way you're being treated by others is a reflection on them-- not on you.  But that doesn't make anything any better, I know.

Still, you're not hopeless or alone.  It sounds like the past is really bearing down on you right now, but remember:  this day will pass.  You'll discover how good it feels to be rid of the drama this 'lost friend' inflicted upon you. People like that validate themselves that way.  They have nothing positive to offer anyone else. 

Life should be pretty simple-- do the things you enjoy, be where you feel at home and let others who share your joys fit in with you.  Unfortunately, we're all pretty much stuck with our families, but while Life should be simple, it's not always easy.    :O)

I hope you get to feeling better soon.

Thank you! It really helps to hear you say these things. Right now I just feel so triggered and unwanted and defective -- and every little bit of reassurance helps. So thank you for taking a moment to help a stranger.

 

[ardour]

If she's so self-absorbed that she can't understand why you had to go then it's her problem. Who priotizes their own paranoia and insecurity over someone else's real physical pain? Someone who ithcing to create dramas out of nothing. and to paint themselves as an eternal victim.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Emotional **** can be just as painful as physical. Sometimes, emotional **** can be worse because physical pain oftentimes goes away easier than emotional, so I don't really think ardour's statement is 100% fair.

Now, that said, as I don't know the circumstances (for either person) and I'm not either of these people, I can't say who has it "worse." But really, it's not a competition. We all have our physical and emotional burdens and we all have obstacles that we need to overcome.

What I see is Sophie's story is that it's on both of them. No, the friend didn't have to react that way, but it sounds like Sophie knew it could happen, especially considering she was going to email and explain after the phone call.
Personally, I don't think you should give up on her just yet. Give her a bit of time and then try to explain again. And going forward, perhaps look into using speakerphone or headphones with a mic so you don't have to hold the phone up.

 

[kamya]

This is all you really need to hear.

[Youtube]94MK2JQIgFs[/youtube]

 

[Sophie99]

If she's so self-absorbed that she can't understand why you had to go then it's her problem. Who priotizes their own paranoia and insecurity over someone else's real physical pain? Someone who ithcing to create dramas out of nothing. and to paint themselves as an eternal victim.

Thank you very much for the response.

I've been thinking about this, and I'm starting to realize there are some disturbing parallels between E and one of my sisters – the most toxic and abusive of all my sisters.  To be fair, both E and my sister suffered terrible verbal and emotional abuse as children.  But it seems that it caused both of them to have some very unpleasant personality traits as adults:

—Constantly imagining insults where none exist.  Both of them would often complain to me about how random people they met were thinking horrible things about them.  I would ask them for evidence these people were thinking horrible things, and they could never provide any.  And I would keep saying, "maybe they're not thinking these horrible things, you don't know, why can't you give people the benefit of the doubt?" But it never made any difference.

That was merely annoying.  But then they turned it on me, and started imagining that I was thinking horrible things about them when I absolutely didn't.  Then I would have to beg and plead to convince them it wasn't true.  And frankly, it was unfair and insulting to me when they did this.

—Getting annoyed and irritated with me if I'm not available to talk with them whenever they want for as long as they want.  My sister was much worse about this, but E shows it too.  This wasn't the first time she took it as a personal insult I needed to get off the phone, even though I had a legitimate reason.

—Keeping score.  My sister obsessively kept track of how often I emailed her, and how long the messages were.  One time she picked a huge fight with me because even though I always replied to her, I didn't initiate as many emails to her as she did to me.

E has started doing similar things.  I mentioned how she obsessively keeps track of other people's facebook pages and how much they keep in contact with other people compared to her.  I don't have facebook, but when E wrote me the Dear Jane message, one of her reasons for breaking off the relationship was because I email a casual acquaintance more often than I email her.  Some background (which E is very well aware of) this casual acquaintance lives in England, so it is impossible for me to call him or see him in person.  It is difficult for me to write because of my disability – I have to use speech recognition software, which is constantly making mistakes – so I don't like to write a lot of emails.  E knows all this.

So thinking about all this, I realize maybe it's a good thing in the long run for me not to continue this relationship.  But right now, it's still devastating.  I will say that on the whole I think E is not nearly as bad as my sister.  Anyway, thanks again for the reply and thank you for listening.

 

[Sophie99]

Emotional **** can be just as painful as physical.  Sometimes, emotional **** can be worse because physical pain oftentimes goes away easier than emotional, so I don't really think ardour's statement is 100% fair.

Now, that said, as I don't know the circumstances (for either person) and I'm not either of these people, I can't say who  has it "worse."  But really, it's not a competition.  We all have our physical and emotional burdens and we all have obstacles that we need to overcome.  

What I see is Sophie's story is that it's on both of them.  No, the friend didn't have to react that way, but it sounds like Sophie knew it could happen, especially considering she was going to email and explain after the phone call.  
Personally, I don't think you should give up on her just yet.  Give her a bit of time and then try to explain again.   And going forward, perhaps look into using speakerphone or headphones with a mic so you don't have to hold the phone up.

Thank you for replying.

I agree that we all have issues and it's not a competition.  E and I both have issues because of narcissistic abuse from our families.  So I have tried very hard to be compassionate and empathetic and considerate towards her.  This last month, I've been cranky because I've been in constant pain ever since I had a bad setback several weeks ago.  Anybody here who has experienced constant pain knows what I'm talking about.  It's very difficult to be cheerful and positive all the time when you are always in pain.

There's also unbelievable frustration because I can't do even the simplest chores for myself.  I live alone and I have no friends, nor do I have the money to hire somebody to help me.  So a lot of chores have to get postponed, or not done at all, or I have to do them anyway and end up hurting myself more.  So yeah, all of this has made me extra cranky lately.  Even so, I have tried very hard to be cheerful and positive and supportive whenever I talk to E.

You're right that I knew she was probably bothered about what happened on the phone last time.  We've been friends for years, so I know she is super-duper extra sensitive about that sort of thing.  But I never dreamed in a million years she would end the friendship over it.  I had a legitimate reason for wanting to get off the phone, and I never said one bad word to her.  I thought she understood that me wanting to get off the phone was 100% about my physical pain, and had nothing to do with any supposed rejection of her.

You're also right about the phone.  Years ago, I bought a speakerphone for this exact reason.  But it had a lot of problems – her voice was always cutting out, and I would have to ask her again and again to speak up and repeat herself.  Eventually, my arms recovered enough that I could hold up the phone anyway.  Until my setback.  I was actually planning to use the speakerphone again when she called me this week.  But now she's not going to call me.

I also thought of buying a more expensive speakerphone, thinking maybe that would work better.  But money is tight, and it doesn't matter now anyway because I have no one who wants to call me.

Thank you again for the response.  I appreciate all the help I can get.

---

This is all you really need to hear.

[Youtube]94MK2JQIgFs[/youtube]

Thank you for the song.

 

[Avidreader9559]

Hi, Sophie99. I am so glad you came here to post and find the support you need for this difficult time. I don't think you are defective. We all have experiences that shape our expectations and perceptions, and those are different for everyone. I am sorry that you aren't getting the support you need from your sisters. Would it be possible for you to seek out friendships and support from other places? My family wan't supportive of me is a lot of ways, so I had to be open to other support. We lived in a town a few years ago where one of the churches had a counseling center, and it was free of charge. I also know that some counseling centers have fees based on a sliding scale where you pay a certain amount which is determined by your income. Would it be possible for you to seek this type of service in your area? Also, is there a community center in your area where you could go to be around other people and make other friendships?

I would say your friend's response to you has to do with what she is dealing with. She is thinking that you are thinking the worst of her. She may feel rejected because you needed to get off the phone. There are lots of possibilities, but please don't let her actions determine who you are or your worth. It is hard to feel rejected, but it doesn't have to define you. One of the best things I learned was radical acceptance. I am who I am because of what I have experienced certain things in my life. Okay. I had no choice in that, but today I can to choose how I think about myself and what I tell myself when things are stressful. I get to choose my actions today. If you would ever like to talk, you can PM me. I can always listen. Hugs for you. I pray you find the hope and encouragement and support you need to feel loved and appreciated and cared for.

 

[harper]

One of the best things I learned was radical acceptance. I am who I am because of what I have experienced certain things in my life. Okay. I had no choice in that, but today I can to choose how I think about myself and what I tell myself when things are stressful. I get to choose my actions today.

This is an excellent point!  Especially where, as Sophie said, other people 'trigger' or control her emotional reactions.  This is far too much power to allow others to have in our lives. 

Every emotional response we feel-- happiness, sadness, anger, apprehension, whatever--  is the result of a conscious decision we've made to feel this way.   We can as easily decide to be amused by something that would ordinarily provoke anger in us.  We can choose not to respond at all.  It's that simple.   Master that, and we master our emotions.  No more "triggers" to worry about.

I knew I shouldn't have subscribed to this thread... I knew I'd inevitably end up giving advice.    ,':O\

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I could relate to your current situation. Not sure what to do, myself. Sorry to hear.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I think we're all defective in some way or another. It's easy to like and enjoy someone when nothing is going down. But when **** hits the fan, some of us tend to learn who's real and who isn't. The real people and the real friends don't need to constantly remind or be reminded that they are there. They just do and they just are, no questions asked. If someone can't understand, especially after so many years of friendship, then perhaps it's more on the side of they don't want to understand.

 

[Redone]

I dont know what say,but is a very sad story,the life is hard without friends!

 

[Olivercan2020]

Hey Sophie, God loves you and if other people aren't seeing what you can bring them...I pray that they will soon, and for you to have the strength to trust God as He gets you trough this time. Remember...everything is part of a plan, so turn the next corner of life, and hold onto what you know is right as you go after your plans. Also, best friends who love you are hard to come by, don't be quick to dispose of it my friend. Sounds like you could help each other in the right scenario... Mag God be with you, because He made you and He loves you

---

I'm trying so hard to believe I'm not a defective person.  I'm trying to believe there is not something horribly wrong with me.  I try so hard to be nice to people, and considerate, and empathetic, but I don't understand why people don't like me.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional narcissistic family.  My parents have both passed away.  To this day, my sisters treat me like I'm defective and stupid and incompetent.  That's on a good day.  On the bad days, they are hostile and abusive.  On the bad days, they make me feel like trash.  Absolute garbage, something that deserves to be thrown away.  I've been working so hard to build up my self esteem, to prove to myself they are wrong and I'm a good, whole person who deserves to be loved.

I know I should be in therapy but I am unemployed and disabled, and I can't afford it.

So for the past couple of years, I had exactly one friend in the world.  I can't even bear to write her name right now, so just call her E.  In that time, she was mostly very sweet and always telling me things like how much she loved me and how she wanted to be friends forever.  We talked on the phone every week.  There were a few red flags.  She also grew up in a narcissistic family, and she has a tendency to imagine people are saying or thinking horrible things about her behind her back, when there was no evidence of that.  She's the kind of person who monitors other people's facebook pages, and gets upset if they are messaging each other more than they talk to her.  To say she is sensitive to criticism is a massive understatement.

I've been going through a rough time lately.  Among other things, I had a bad setback physically, so I'm in considerable pain, and immensely frustrated because I want so badly to get better.  So that's made me a little cranky lately, and our last phone call didn't go so well.  I was in a lot of pain from holding up the phone, and I told her this, that I needed to go.  Then I asked her one more question about her life, and she went into a long detailed explanation (that's another one of her habits, she talks a lot) and I started crying, apologizing and saying I really needed to go.  I thought about writing and explaining/apologizing to her later, but I didn't.  We've been friends for years, and she has said many times she loves me and wants to be friends forever.  So I never dreamed she would dump me over this.

But this morning I got an e-mail saying she doesn't want to call me anymore, because her  phone calls "bother" me.  Which is absolutely not true, something I had never said and never would say.  This goes back to what I was saying earlier, she imagines people are thinking horrible things about her when there is no evidence to support it.  Then she said since we're not going to talk on the phone there's no point in continuing the friendship.  I wrote her back, but there has been no reply.  Frankly, even if she does reply I'm scared to read it now.  I don't think I could take any more rejection.  But maybe she won't reply anyway.  Maybe she's ghosting me.

So needless to say this is triggering all my feelings of being worthless and defective.  Now I don't have any friends anywhere in the world.  And I don't understand.  What other explanation can there be except that there really is something wrong with me?  I probably should mention I'm in my fifties, so I'm trying to overcome many decades of loneliness and dysfunction, and it's not like I have a lot of energy and hope for the future.  I want to though.

Thank you very much to anybody who has actually read all this.  Any replies at all would really be the world to me right now.  I'm feeling like defective garbage that has been thrown away.  Please help.  Thank you for listening.

Hey Sophie, God loves you and if other people aren't seeing what you can bring them...I pray that they will soon, and for you to have the strength to trust God as He gets you trough this time. Remember...everything is part of a plan, so turn the next corner of life, and hold onto what you know is right as you go after your plans. Also, best friends who love you are hard to come by, don't be quick to dispose of it my friend. Sounds like you could help each other in the right scenario... Mag God be with you, because He made you and He loves you