My stepfather is lonely and I feel bad for him. How to help?

[HappyYogi]

Hi All~

I am in my 40's and see my step father regularly for practical reasons.

Today we exchanged gifts and I realized he lost some friends and is probably very lonely.

The friends were my mother's. She died and he hung out with them for a few years and even traveled with them. I see now they are not in his life. It has left a hole...no weekly picnics in the summer, no winter travel, no holiday events. Sad.

I feel bad for him even though he is not that nice a guy, at least to me. He was an *ss to me as a kid and pretty cold and uninterested as an old person but I still feel sorry for him. I guess I feel sorry for him because I know the pain of losing others. Everytime I see him I try to engage in conversation but it is so hard. It is hard because he is not interested in me (so the conversation is only one way) and his answers are cold and abrupt. He is also a know it all.

He was nice and respectful to my mom's friends, though.

The thing is I don't even think he realizes how he is or how he comes across. I bet he is genuinely in sorrow for losing them and probably does not know what went wrong.

He could help himself. He lives in a nice neighborhood with friendly neighbors. He could take walks (get out) and at least sort of be around the neighbors but he refuses. He could also get involved in volunteering. But he is a stubborn man.

How to do you help an old lonely person? I try to by engaging in conversation, being warm, letting them talk about anything they want, being positive and supportive. Of course, this type of attitude is foreign to my step dad...he just doesn't know how to be these things. At least to me.

I guess I care because I've been lonely and I don't want to be a lonely old person. Maybe if I give love now my loneliness will be less. Plus I hate to see anyone lonely as I feel no one should be lonely in this world.

 

[Lost Drifter]

What’s that old phrase? You can lead a horse to water but can’t force him to drink?

My initial reaction, based on his stubbornness and challenging personality, is to give him time for him to make the first move. Your help could be seen as meddling that could put him off further, I’m guessing at his age he must have a lot of pride and despite all of your good intentions he could somehow take offence.

It’s a difficult situation no doubt, I can see you want to help him for his own good but I’m not sure how. Perhaps at this point it’s more important to keep the door open between you two, he may not admit to it but could you be the only company he has? Could you join a social group together (much like that cycling group you mentioned before) just to get him out of the house? It’s not so much you and he spending time together but getting him doing the things that he used to enjoy again which could encourage him to partake on his own accord. Perhaps leave some leaflets the next time you visit so he can look at them in his own time?

 

[HappyYogi]

Lost Drifter...love your posts. : )

I guess I just wanted to express my sadness for him.

No I don't want to join any groups with him as I particularly don't enjoy him (I've tried). I am still very nice to him just because he is old and because he doesn't realize how he is being.

I perhaps am projecting my sadness at losing people in my life for I know how that feels. It's like if I can help him, perhaps I can be helped in the future.

I still don't feel ANYONE should be lonely in this life but sadly so many are.