My story

[Milky-Way]

Hi everyone !

I don't know why it took me so long before I can write here, I created my account last December and the welcome here was heart warming. Though I'm so used to indifference I was probably thinking : well, no one will care even here, so why doing the effort of a writing... But today, I decided to give a try. I'm very lonely because I can't trust anymore, and because I don't fit in...

I come from a very small town, born in the mid 70's. It was before the internet, the social medias, and the awareness about bullying. For the first 10 years of my life at school, I heard every day how much I count for nothing. Very small town, kids wanted to stand together, so I had no friends and there was the whole school that was pushing me down. I would have liked to get some support at home, but my dysfunctional family education was all about shame. This family was closed on itself, my mother caring to keep us away from the "normal"world (she is histrionic). I was abused by an uncle and no one still don't believe me. And when I try to speak about bullying at school, it was welcomed with a condescending laughter : "You are so weak, look at me, when I was a kid, the others did that to me too, that's normal, that's what kids do". At 13 years old, I wanted to die. There was no place in the world for me, and I felt unwanted wherever I go.

For professional reason, we moved to another bigger town when I was 15. To me, that was the reset. I fought to become who I wanted to be. I became this dressed-all-in-black aggressive badass, heavy metal guitarist. And the first friends the ones I picked up for my music band. I was full of dreams. The world didn't matter to me, I didn't want to feel "useless" only making money with a "normal" job, I wanted to be musician. Not for the fame, just musician, for the love of my guitar. But again, my dreams were crushed by my family who didn't want it for me, by my lack of talent (guitar was definitely not my best instrument), and my lack of resources. After having practiced full summer vacation 12h per day, I reached the top of what I could give, and I understood it was not possible. My passion was the only thing that kept me alive, and it didn't work. Maybe the others are right : I worth nothing. So I tried to kill myself. It obviously didn't work, then I decided to totally give up on music. Still today when I hang out at some shows from garage bands (I rarely go out though) it hurts. It hurts because deep inside that's what I wanted to do and I don't have the talent for that, even for a humble garage band. My lack of taste for the human society made me wander from classes to classes, through every level of education. I almost got a master, but changed my mind to become a secretary. I built an incredible student loan I will pay back for the next 20 years to come.


When I left my parent's to get my own flat, I moved with my first boyfriend, at 24 years old. Yes, no one wanted to be with me before. This guy had no education, didn't want any and expected bosses to skip the rookie time, and to give him a well paid job without asking for school education. He refused to be hired somewhere if these conditions were not met. So he stayed unemployed, without any ambition, plans or objectives. Though he was good at pushing me to work, to get my salary. These years with him were all about yells, angers, threats, rage crisis, isolation from anyone I knew and total control over me. He destroyed me. One day, I mourned a loved one. I passed one week without speaking, wondering if this life was worthing it or not. I wasn't even 30 and I had enough already. I made my decision, I escaped, and started over my life, with a new diploma (secretary) and a new life.

A hope for happiness shined briefly a few months after my escape, when I met again my first love. He was the boyfriend of my best friend when we were teenagers, I always loved him, but I suffered this in silence, because of the situation and by respect for them. But after all these years, he was single and we decided to give a try. And my happiness dropped quickly, when I heard his excuses to not join me in the week end because he was too stone, or because he was too much hypnotized in his video games. After a few discussions, he dropped drugs, we got married, he even got the kind of job he always wanted. He had everything to be happy. But he was not. I can count on the fingers of my two hands how many times he touched me when we lived together. We were like two strangers under the same roof. After 7 years of this, I divorced. And that's only after this I knew he never loved me, but never got over my friend. I counted for nothing for him, only a "safety" to not finish his life alone, not having better. Today I still feel this burning pain of ... you know, it's like a betrayal. I tried to be in relationships after, but every time, men compared me with "perfect" women, they kept telling me about my "imperfections", they even didn't hide their stares at what type of woman they wanted. I gave up on relationships on June 2018, after my last boyfriend kept comparing me with the strippers he liked so much and after having caught him still on a dating site, after more than 1 year of being together. 

Well... That's my story. My loneliness. I don't fit anywhere. My vision of the world is dark and pessimist, I dislike and fear the human kind. People usually come to me at first because I'm friendly, and after a while they don't find anything in common with me, and they start to ignore me. It happens everywhere I go. People get bored, they don't relate. I have no relationship, no kids, no car, no house, nothing they value. All I do is working, learning about science online, training at the gym. Because yes I train, I have a goal : to look outside like who I am inside, strong, wild and determined to make my own little personal space in this world.

To those who read all of this, I thank you for you time... It was good to express. There are some other things, but it would make this text definitely too long.

 

[constant stranger]

Thank you for sharing that Milky-Way.

 

[okkkorniienko]

Hi!
My name is Oleh i m 20 years old.
My story is a very long and i woldn't tell u everything.
I am ex basketball player and love to travel very much.
I m living in 4th coyntry already.

 

[Unix]

Welcome aboard you know, reading these stories of women that can't get a decent boyfriend quite surprises me. I don't know, maybe you are looking in the wrong places

 

[Phantimos]

My heart was aching as I was reading the OP. Although, I can't help but feel a sense of respect for you. Having suffered so much and so long and still not giving up on yourself, still trying to change. Something about that fire that keeps burning inside is just beautiful to me. 

Rock on, even if its just you ✌✌

 

[Sir Joseph]

Milky-Way, you've done well to express yourself here on this site, and perhaps you'll find it easier to write about personal life problems to strangers here than it is to discuss them face to face with friends.  It shouldn't and needn't be that way, but finding good friends to share and care with is hard for many of us.  There's definately a variety of views to be found here, but most seem to be very supportive of those posting problems.

My Christian perspective on things is usually rejected by those seeking secular solutions to their problems, but I'll maintain that the two are almost always related.  Given your history, I understand your negative feelings towards all others, not because I've been there myself, but because its logical.  Under your experiences and circumstances, I'd draw the same conclusions and feelings.  I think though, that you know in your heart that rejection of all people and relationships is not the solution.  In fact, I'd suggest that love and relationships are the entire purpose of our lives here.  Let me elaborate.

First, a close relationship with your Creator will give you the ultimate sense of love, peace, and acceptance of yourself and place in this world.  And when this primary relationship is right, it can significantly help nurture secondary relationships with others. So consider, have you accepted the love, help, and guidance from your Creator, Lord, and Savior Jesus?  If not, I'd propose that doing so could turn your life around - by changing you into the person you were meant to be, and by opening up the door to new and better relationships with others.

Second, your pursuit of relationships with people must go on, even if it yields too many apparent failures for too few good ones.  I think most of us face this kind of success ratio.  But consider, it's worth initiating 10 casual contacts with strangers for the opportunity to develop one new acquaintance, and it's worth knowing 10 aquaintances for the opportunity to develop one new friend.  As we go through life, meeting hundreds of people (and ******** along the way), those who make the effort to develop and maintain the best of those relationships eventually develop a circle of worthwhile friends.  Regardless of your history and current situation, you're still young enough to seek those relationships and build that circle of friends.  Now, there are all kinds of good ways to get out and meet people as you know, and I've found the gym to be one of them.   But, if you don't succeed in finding good, genuine, accepting people in those secular environments, I'd propose that attending a good Christian church is the easiest and best way.  There, you'll find people of all types that share one desire: for you to join their family and share in the love.

You can work on those relationships now while you're single, wheras finding a new mate in life is actually harder in my view.  But, I've addressed enough for one post.  May my time and words be received kindly as they're intended.  Perhaps you seek an ear more than advice, but as a guy, and caring Christian, I can't help but offer solutions to problems.  That's just what we do.