Regret
Well-known member
can't sleep, might as well post this
sigh...I guess I'll start at the beginning
More than a year ago some girl friend requested me on myspace....we apparently had a class together, soon we started talking in school. I really wish I knew what she saw in me here. At the time I was in the dying throes of being in love with someone else, I don't even know if I could call it that anymore. I had never had a girl approach me before, or show interest at all, it was unreal. I soon forgot the other girl and fell for her, hard, we had so much in common, she was amazing, she is amazing, but alas, the baggage of a thousand failures with the previous girl had me addicted to failure. I've never been in a relationship before so I really didn't know what I was doing anyway, so many things that didn't occur to me until later.....damn. I got as close to being with her as possible without actually being together. She kept waiting for me and I kept screwing around, for the aforementioned reasons, but no excuse will ever satisfy me. And she served herself on a ******* silver platter for me, I had gold.....and I threw it away. I was perfectly happy with her, I wish I could remember how it felt, that feeling. I needed nothing else besides her. And I'll always have this torturous little taste of..........I can't even keep it together writing this......
I think about this everyday and regret not doing it right, if I had, things would be different now, and nothing that follows would have happened.
Three weeks into this year. I already knew from myspace but.....I had to pry the information out of her, that she was with someone else. It felt like my soul dropped and shattered, never felt anything like I did that moment. I would describe the next four months as being in hell. I blamed myself, I never told her how I felt, never treated her the way I wanted to.....the guilt, unbearable. Pure agony, having to see her almost every day, trying to not look at her at all, but constantly giving in, hell, I even talked to her a few times and it just killed me after I did. I at least had the hope of being able to tell her one day, and that things would work out. that is all that kept me hanging on. I swore that if I ever got another chance, I would not fail, I wouldn't rest until I made her mine. And that I would never go back to how I felt during this time, completely out of my damn mind.
Things have never really gone particularly well since that night I lost her.........
Ah, I remember the day I thought I would be free, june ninth, it had taken me three days to work up the nerve to tell her after I found out, through, you guessed it, myspace.
I spilled my guts, poured out my heat and soul, on that day on the phone and for two months afterward. I tried to apologize for before but she said I had nothing to be sorry about. told her i loved her. She said she liked me a lot too, but that her life was "complicated right now". I figured she was still bothered by her ex......who I later found out used her........which intensified my guilt significantly. We made plans that weekend just to hang out, if we had, I think things would have gone differently. I tried talking to her many times, she almost never responded back. I decided to give her some space, let her figure things out.......later I thought she might have hooked up with someone else(myspace), but apparently she had managed to retrieve her feelings for me. She said she would let me know when she was free. This time did not last, in some delirious moment in the early morning, a miscommunication on that damned social networking site.........god why did I type that ****, it was completely irrelevant to her....., she just happened to have looked at my page the next day, I could not believe my crappy luck. I vehemently tried to reassure her nothing had changed, I thought I succeeded. But the end of july and beginning of august was the end for me, I just didn't know it.
I confronted her three months to the day in September about why we were going nowhere, I just wanted to know why so I could fix things, she said the only thing she didn't like was I was too pessimistic, which I had thought I had been hiding well. I thought I had convinced her to give me a chance, she said we would hang out soon and see how it goes. I tried to talk to her the next week but nothing. I called and left a desperate message, I would do anything to make it work. There were indicators in August and September that I was losing her, but I was completely oblivious, just like I was the first time, damn.
A few weeks later and she still had not even initiated a conversation once, much less indicated a specific time she wanted to get together, maybe I could have done more in that regard. I tried to give up. Tried to forget her, tired so hard. Can't.
On Halloween I find this out-
The guy she's seeing........."didn't expect it to work". "He's my complete opposite so it was really unexpected".
how long? three months
Crushing. Lies......three months of lies..........lies.....all a lie, all lies.
didn't expect it to work? complete opposite? unexpected?
what? what the **** does that mean?
choose the guy that probably doesn't even realize half of how amazing you are, and probably just has a passing interest in you, probably doesn't love her.....and will never feel even a fraction of how I do about her, not even close.
if it was so unexpected why didn't you just give me at least one chance? why did you wait for someone when I was there the whole time? I never got to see her again, not once.
The girl I thought I knew wouldn't have made that decision, I just don't understand this at all.
I cannot stand the thought of her with someone else, I can't take that ****. Touching her, kissing her, anything, I can barely type it. Thinking about it....blinds me with rage that I have no control over. I cannot take it.
she still wanted to hang out, i guess to still be friends. how can she think that? how could she ever think that? i couldn't do it before, not then, not now. how could she think that i would be anything but a complete mess if she saw me that day? am I supposed to switch my feelings on and off like a switch?
I said the last things I needed her to know and said goodbye and she acted as if i was being ridiculous, like it was a spur of the moment decision, after all the **** she has put me through, how can she not understand? how could i ever trust her again anyway? after this, i don't know. I completely trusted and believed in her since the day I met her, even after she left the first time. But this, this has broken it.
my myspace, now gone, no real friends on it anyway
This hurts, real bad, infinitely more than the first time........it hurts that she has been taken from me twice by some guy in a matter of a couple weeks while I was around for months, it hurts that I told her everything and would do and give anything and everything yet still it's not enough to beat out some random punk or even get one chance to see her, it hurts that every conversation we had.....means nothing now, it hurts that everything I've thought for five months is never going to happen, it really hurts that she is so freaking beautiful and I'll never have her.
now her face is killing me, so beautiful.......killing me
I needed this to be over five months ago. She's the only reason I had for living, the only reason I've been able to get out of bed since so long ago. Now.......I feel so completely hollow, empty, and dead. defeated. Everytime I close my eyes or look in the mirror she's there. Every thought of every day is filled with her. I'm sick of dreaming about her and the crushing misery when waking and realizing it was all a lie. I'm sick of wasting every day not being with her. I'm sick of still wanting and loving her no matter what she does to me.
god what the hell am i going to do now? she's gone and it doesn't matter whether i make it through today, tomorrow, or the next day, she's never coming back.
she's gone, and now I am lost.
sigh...I guess I'll start at the beginning
More than a year ago some girl friend requested me on myspace....we apparently had a class together, soon we started talking in school. I really wish I knew what she saw in me here. At the time I was in the dying throes of being in love with someone else, I don't even know if I could call it that anymore. I had never had a girl approach me before, or show interest at all, it was unreal. I soon forgot the other girl and fell for her, hard, we had so much in common, she was amazing, she is amazing, but alas, the baggage of a thousand failures with the previous girl had me addicted to failure. I've never been in a relationship before so I really didn't know what I was doing anyway, so many things that didn't occur to me until later.....damn. I got as close to being with her as possible without actually being together. She kept waiting for me and I kept screwing around, for the aforementioned reasons, but no excuse will ever satisfy me. And she served herself on a ******* silver platter for me, I had gold.....and I threw it away. I was perfectly happy with her, I wish I could remember how it felt, that feeling. I needed nothing else besides her. And I'll always have this torturous little taste of..........I can't even keep it together writing this......
I think about this everyday and regret not doing it right, if I had, things would be different now, and nothing that follows would have happened.
Three weeks into this year. I already knew from myspace but.....I had to pry the information out of her, that she was with someone else. It felt like my soul dropped and shattered, never felt anything like I did that moment. I would describe the next four months as being in hell. I blamed myself, I never told her how I felt, never treated her the way I wanted to.....the guilt, unbearable. Pure agony, having to see her almost every day, trying to not look at her at all, but constantly giving in, hell, I even talked to her a few times and it just killed me after I did. I at least had the hope of being able to tell her one day, and that things would work out. that is all that kept me hanging on. I swore that if I ever got another chance, I would not fail, I wouldn't rest until I made her mine. And that I would never go back to how I felt during this time, completely out of my damn mind.
Things have never really gone particularly well since that night I lost her.........
Ah, I remember the day I thought I would be free, june ninth, it had taken me three days to work up the nerve to tell her after I found out, through, you guessed it, myspace.
I spilled my guts, poured out my heat and soul, on that day on the phone and for two months afterward. I tried to apologize for before but she said I had nothing to be sorry about. told her i loved her. She said she liked me a lot too, but that her life was "complicated right now". I figured she was still bothered by her ex......who I later found out used her........which intensified my guilt significantly. We made plans that weekend just to hang out, if we had, I think things would have gone differently. I tried talking to her many times, she almost never responded back. I decided to give her some space, let her figure things out.......later I thought she might have hooked up with someone else(myspace), but apparently she had managed to retrieve her feelings for me. She said she would let me know when she was free. This time did not last, in some delirious moment in the early morning, a miscommunication on that damned social networking site.........god why did I type that ****, it was completely irrelevant to her....., she just happened to have looked at my page the next day, I could not believe my crappy luck. I vehemently tried to reassure her nothing had changed, I thought I succeeded. But the end of july and beginning of august was the end for me, I just didn't know it.
I confronted her three months to the day in September about why we were going nowhere, I just wanted to know why so I could fix things, she said the only thing she didn't like was I was too pessimistic, which I had thought I had been hiding well. I thought I had convinced her to give me a chance, she said we would hang out soon and see how it goes. I tried to talk to her the next week but nothing. I called and left a desperate message, I would do anything to make it work. There were indicators in August and September that I was losing her, but I was completely oblivious, just like I was the first time, damn.
A few weeks later and she still had not even initiated a conversation once, much less indicated a specific time she wanted to get together, maybe I could have done more in that regard. I tried to give up. Tried to forget her, tired so hard. Can't.
On Halloween I find this out-
The guy she's seeing........."didn't expect it to work". "He's my complete opposite so it was really unexpected".
how long? three months
Crushing. Lies......three months of lies..........lies.....all a lie, all lies.
didn't expect it to work? complete opposite? unexpected?
what? what the **** does that mean?
choose the guy that probably doesn't even realize half of how amazing you are, and probably just has a passing interest in you, probably doesn't love her.....and will never feel even a fraction of how I do about her, not even close.
if it was so unexpected why didn't you just give me at least one chance? why did you wait for someone when I was there the whole time? I never got to see her again, not once.
The girl I thought I knew wouldn't have made that decision, I just don't understand this at all.
I cannot stand the thought of her with someone else, I can't take that ****. Touching her, kissing her, anything, I can barely type it. Thinking about it....blinds me with rage that I have no control over. I cannot take it.
she still wanted to hang out, i guess to still be friends. how can she think that? how could she ever think that? i couldn't do it before, not then, not now. how could she think that i would be anything but a complete mess if she saw me that day? am I supposed to switch my feelings on and off like a switch?
I said the last things I needed her to know and said goodbye and she acted as if i was being ridiculous, like it was a spur of the moment decision, after all the **** she has put me through, how can she not understand? how could i ever trust her again anyway? after this, i don't know. I completely trusted and believed in her since the day I met her, even after she left the first time. But this, this has broken it.
my myspace, now gone, no real friends on it anyway
This hurts, real bad, infinitely more than the first time........it hurts that she has been taken from me twice by some guy in a matter of a couple weeks while I was around for months, it hurts that I told her everything and would do and give anything and everything yet still it's not enough to beat out some random punk or even get one chance to see her, it hurts that every conversation we had.....means nothing now, it hurts that everything I've thought for five months is never going to happen, it really hurts that she is so freaking beautiful and I'll never have her.
now her face is killing me, so beautiful.......killing me
I needed this to be over five months ago. She's the only reason I had for living, the only reason I've been able to get out of bed since so long ago. Now.......I feel so completely hollow, empty, and dead. defeated. Everytime I close my eyes or look in the mirror she's there. Every thought of every day is filled with her. I'm sick of dreaming about her and the crushing misery when waking and realizing it was all a lie. I'm sick of wasting every day not being with her. I'm sick of still wanting and loving her no matter what she does to me.
god what the hell am i going to do now? she's gone and it doesn't matter whether i make it through today, tomorrow, or the next day, she's never coming back.
she's gone, and now I am lost.
