Need Help From the Females to Understand Something About My Daughter and Her Hair

[Bones]

I really need help from the females in the forum to help me understand why in the world my daughter goes through the same following pattern over and over again:

- Daughter: I think if I change my hair style, it will make me feel better
- Me/Dad: Ok honey, but no bailouts this time ... you know what always happens
- After a few days (and the constant reminders from me if she brings up the subject), she becomes determine to do something different with her hair!

- Daughter: I think if I highlight my hair, it will make me feel better too
- Me/Dad: Ok honey, but no bailouts this time ... you know what always happens ... it the same pattern every time ... you highlight it; and if it does not turn out the way you think you should, you always do something to correct it ... remember, no more professional (hairstylist) bailouts
- After a few days (and the constant reminders from me if she brings up the subject), she becomes determine to do something different with her hair concerning highlights!

- Daughter: How does it look
- Me/Dad: I like your hair natural and you normally damage your hair after doing all of this, but I love you honey ... please be careful ... you know what always happens
- After a few days (and the constant reminders from me if she brings up the subject), she does something different with her hair with highlights and/or style again
- Finally after all of the constant changes and corrections, she will have "clown hair"

- And after all the warnings, "hairmageddon" day finally comes
- Daughter: I look like a freak
- Me/Dad: I love you honey, but I do not understand why you do this over and over again and expect different results

- I can not lie and say it looks great
- I know better to agree with her (even though she is sporting a clown hairdo) and/or laugh
- She cries
- Hides somewhere in the house
- After I calm down internally (because it hurts me deeply inside to see my daughter hurting inside), I go and sit with her on the couch hugging her while she cries forever while I keep thinking: why do you keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?

- Please help!
- I do not understand the thinking with women and their hair since the best thing to do is to leave it alone and let someone love you for you and think you are the most beautiful woman in the world without always trying to make yourself look "better" - we love you with your normal looks and just how you are
- I do not get it.

(If I am showing male bias in any way with my wording or thoughts, I am sorry - I just do not understand and now I am hurting badly because my daughter is hurting badly - I am crying too now because I am a sensitive person when others hurt.)

 

[EveWasFramed]

For a lot of women, their hair is a statement about who they are - kinda like the clothes they choose.
My advice? Don't let her do her own hair for one. If she ISNT doing her own hair, then stop taking here to where she goes now - any cosmetologist who is worth a crap is NOT going to allow a client to do stuff that will make them look like a clown or damage their hair.
And something else you might want to consider...
You don't have to understand her motives - you just have to accept that's how she is and try your best to nudge her in the right direction.
lol, find her a good cosmetologist.

 

[Bones]

EWF, thank you very much.

I have tried everything to avoid this.

If I take her to a good hairdresser and drop several "benjamins," she will still want to change her hair and/or put highlights in her hair several months later.

It is like shoes - something I do not understand either - for having a pair for every outfit.

Anyway, I do not know how to nudge her in the right direction.

Bailouts do not help.

No bailouts do not help.

I asked my mom and she said: "its a girl thing and you will not understand."

(That is all she said other than she did the same thing when she was younger.)

However, you have solved one part of the mystery - it is a statement of who they are - thanks.

For a lot of women, their hair is a statement about who they are - kinda like the clothes they choose.
My advice? Don't let her do her own hair for one. If she ISNT doing her own hair, then stop taking here to where she goes now - any cosmetologist who is worth a crap is NOT going to allow a client to do stuff that will make them look like a clown or damage their hair.
And something else you might want to consider...
You don't have to understand her motives - you just have to accept that's how she is and try your best to nudge her in the right direction.
lol, find her a good cosmetologist.

 

[Ox Blood]

I agree with Eve on taking her to a good cosmetologist. Preferably one that your daughter can identify with. But, I also suggest you do it as an incentive, so it doesn't seem like such a "bail-out". Such as: "If you get all A's and B's this semester, we will get your hair professionally done, just as you want it." So it'll be like she's earned it in someway.

Also, talk with the cosmetologist, privately, beforehand. Perhaps the cosmetologist can talk to her about all of the cons of over-processing her hair and what all of those chemicals will do later on. Not to mention, the damage that styling it alone can do. Girls tend to have an easier time relating to other girls better... Especially (and unfortunately) more so than a parent. And even if a parent can relate... Trying to make her believe that won't be so simple.

---

Oh, and also... Have you ever simply asked her if there is something she wants to talk about?

I've messed up my hair during periods of emotional duress. There have been times I've axed it off by myself and and I've also bleached (my hair is naturally black -- oops) one side of my head... And had a strange resemblance to Cruella Deville.

 

[whispers]

I agree, the hair, the style, the shoes, is all part of what she wants to project to society. As a Teen i was sot of goth, bicker girl lol, they called me rainbow brite at some point because, i dies my hair pink, then bleached them, then black, and after afew days green lol, at that point i was advised not to do anything else or i'd loose my hair. I wanted to be noticed, i wanted to be unique, i needed the attention. The goth time was more of showing others not to mess with me. If you just understand this and try to controle it at a certain point, it can be ok. My 14 year old wanted a tattoo, i agreed, on the foot a small celtic sign, it boosted her self esteem and it was done with proper resonning.

 

[Bones]

Ox Blood, Whispers, and EVF,

Thank you very much for helping me understand my daughter a lot more!

Believe it or not, my daughter made a video & wrote a hand written note for me to keep in case she ever decides to do it again.

She said it was not worth it and will use clip on highlights in the future so will not have to go through this again.

 

[ajdass1]

It sounds like she's starting to deal with it. I really hope you guys can work through it and come to some solution where she can have nice hair and not by miserable XD

I'm a male too so I don't fully understand it - but just look at ads, billboards, women's magazines, TV and movies... Women are under immense pressure to look beautiful. Everywhere there are ads saying they need to have a nicer body, clearer skin, shinier hair, more stylish clothes and shoes... I don't know if I could handle that much constant pressure, personally. I can't watch TV much anymore because the ads just make me rage out so much.

I mean, I've had times where I've obsessed over what my body looks like, how I dress, etc. etc. Men's Health magazine covers, action movies (like the guy in Thor, holy crap was he buff), ads with ripped dudes in them... all of these things made me feel dissatisfied with myself and want to go suddenly become Mega Bodybuilder Man. I imagine it must be a lot worse for women.

Ox Blood, Whispers, and EVF,

Believe it or not, my daughter made a video & wrote a hand written note for me to keep in case she ever decides to do it again.

She said it was not worth it and will use clip on highlights in the future so will not have to go through this again.

 

[Callie]

Ox Blood, Whispers, and EVF,

Thank you very much for helping me understand my daughter a lot more!

Believe it or not, my daughter made a video & wrote a hand written note for me to keep in case she ever decides to do it again.

She said it was not worth it and will use clip on highlights in the future so will not have to go through this again.

With me, I just don't care. It's just a color, it will grow out. It's just hair, if I do something to it, I fully expect to live with the results for the time I have it. But then again, I've been just about every color, so...

Also, if she's worried about the results (I haven't read the replies, so pardon me if I repeat someone) she could use the koolaid method that only lasts a few washes or something not so "permanent"

 

[Ox Blood]

The clip-ins are a really good idea

Good luck and hope she sticks with it!

 

[Campbell]

Most importantly, you are a very good dad to seek advice for this.

It sounds like she now has learned about herself she will most likely not like the change and sees clip-ins as a much smarter option. So...for if and when her desire for a make-over becomes strong, find out why the desire comes over her. As a young girl, I would just think of a hair cut or getting a new pair of jeans or shoes, and be somewhat consumed by that until it happened. It was just me being bored and wanting something new and fun. My youthful hair indiscretions involved a hair bleaching product called Sun-In. I would end up with brassy looking hair and it wasn't flattering, but I also did not have parents who would pay to get it fixed. So, as long as the change isn't motivated by teasing from others or a desire to emulate a peer or celebrity, I wouldn't worry about it.

Anyway, my guess is she is just being a typical girl and just wants a change to boost her esteem but isn't getting the desired result the way she is going about it.

If you buy her clip-ins, try Sally Beauty Supply if there is one in your area. They have a decent quality of products at a fair price. Also, if she wants to get professional highlights and cost is an option, try a local beauty school or some of the chain hair salons will do a few foil highlights for a small fee. That way she gets a small change and will enjoy it for a few months. It is not unrealistic for her to want to change a couple times per year as highlights grow out.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Look at all the brunette girls dying their hair blond, so that they can look like Christina Aguilera, Marilyn Monroe, or whatever the latest celebrity blond knockout is.

When you strip off all the makeup, all the highlights, and all the effects, everyone is the same. However, I think it's a part of their identity. I can sympathize with that - I have long hair, and that's part of my identity. I don't know what I'll do when I start losing my hair, probably wearing a bad wig, but I honestly don't see myself with anything other than long hair.

Same with guitars. My fender strat is part of my identity. I always feel...weird...when someone else is playing it. It's like, "dude or dudette, you're playing my soul!"

With some, it's computers; with some, it's some geeky hobby like Star Trek or anime; with some, it's reading and being all intellectual and etc.

 

[tangerinedream]

I once heard this women-and-hair obsession described like this: The seat of a woman's beauty and mystique is her hair.

Whether or not there is any merit to it, I do know that a lot of women feel this way. I know I do, and I am totally guilty of some hair vanity. Does this mean that I always leave the house with awesome hair? haha no. Does this mean that I obsess over my hair to a worrying degree at times? HELL yes.

I've done some lamentable things involving my hair - the infamous poodle haircut of 7th grade stands out. At the beginning of the school year, all the other girls had glossy, straight, shiny Dorothy Hamill bobs with fat sausage bangs. Wow, did I want that haircut. I begged and pleaded and begged some more and nag-nag-nagged my parents until they relented and let me get my hair all cut off - it had been down to my waist. My hair is thick and has natural curls and waves to it, so when all of that heavy length was gone... *poof* Poodle hair.

I cried for 2 weeks and then grew it out.

Actually, I think it is a good thing for all of us to go through some sort of traumatic hair experience. For Anne Shirley, it was dying her hair green, for me, it was looking like a goddamn poodle at age 12. It certainly made me more careful about what I did to my hair after that.

 

[ajdass1]

Actually, I think it is a good thing for all of use to go through some sort of traumatic hair experience.

Now that you mention it. A little while after I started getting heavy metal it suddenly seemed essential that I start to grow my hair out. My dad, of course, absolutely hated that. As soon as it started threatening to get to shoulder length he forced me to go to the barber and get it chopped off.

Man was I ever upset!

After that my mom (who was big into Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath and Cream and Rainbow et al. back in the day) had a talk with him and soon he relented.

Now it's almost down to my butt and I can windmill like a boss. So it's a pretty integral part of my personality too, I just don't obsess over it.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Actually, I think it is a good thing for all of use to go through some sort of traumatic hair experience.

Now that you mention it. A little while after I started getting heavy metal it suddenly seemed essential that I start to grow my hair out. My dad, of course, absolutely hated that. As soon as it started threatening to get to shoulder length he forced me to go to the barber and get it chopped off.

Man was I ever upset!

After that my mom (who was big into Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath and Cream and Rainbow et al. back in the day) had a talk with him and soon he relented.

Now it's almost down to my butt and I can windmill like a boss. So it's a pretty integral part of my personality too, I just don't obsess over it.

I'm the same way with my hair, man. Except it's more about progressive rock than heavy metal.

I think everyone has their own obsessions or identity tied to certain things. Like I said, for some it's hair, for some it's shoes, for some it's computers, video games, books, etc.

 

[SophiaGrace]

we have a lot of men with long hair on this board...

 

[Bones]

Thank you for all of the responses - my world just blew up and do not have the time to individually respond to everyone - thanks again for all of your help!

 

[Glowgirl]

Bones, you don't say how old your daughter is but she's not just in search of a new hairstyle, she's in search of an identity - which means trying on a whole lot of different ones till you eventually find which one suits you. It can be painful but I reckon it's a normal part of growing up, there's not a lot you can do except keep reminding her that what you say and do is more important that what you look like.

And put her on a budget if she's sending you broke!

 

[Bones]

Glowgirl, thank you for your comments - everyone has made great comments and suggestions - anyway, she is 16 and i think i now understand how much her hair means to her - like an identity - she wanted to just talk to me last night; and for one hour straight, i watched her try this and that with her hair - i never realized how much time a woman could spend looking at a mirror trying to find the right style - and, she is on a budget - $50 per week.

Bones, you don't say how old your daughter is but she's not just in search of a new hairstyle, she's in search of an identity - which means trying on a whole lot of different ones till you eventually find which one suits you. It can be painful but I reckon it's a normal part of growing up, there's not a lot you can do except keep reminding her that what you say and do is more important that what you look like.

And put her on a budget if she's sending you broke!