Need to get it out

[Bartho]

My apologies in advance, this will not be a very uplifting post. I currently see a therapist, but there are even things I wont tell her, I guess for fear of judgement. But I need to talk about it somehwere. Thats how I found this site. Here goes....my journey into absolute loneliness.

6 years ago, I received news, terrible news that no parent ever, ever wants to hear. My second son, and daughter came to us, and told us that years earlier they had been molested. By my oldest son. Its the worst case scenario. At least if it were an outside party, I could focus my rage, and hatred on them. But is my own son. What the hell is a person to do? We sent him to jail, thats what we did. And it tore our family to shreds. My daughter may never have a normal relationship, and my second son, well....he has been completely crippled by this.

Several months after this happened, i started having chest pains. I go to the doctor, and my blood pressure is 200/120. Genetic high blood pressure. And it has damaged my body. I now take medication for high bloof pressure that makes me feel TERRIBLE, and for artery spasms. A result of years of high blood pressure.

Last year, 2020, my sister dies of a hemmorhagic stroke. Caused by the exact same condition that i have. She was 2 years older than me.

There have been other things. Work related, life related that Ive been through. But those are some of the worst things.

I tell you this because, I have basically left the world behind in my head. I am alone every single night, and I am not the same person I once was. I have beem negatively transformed. Ive tried so hard to fight, and have some sort of normal life. But I am broken to my core. And I feel SO lonely sometimes. But the thought of normal life almost makes me laugh hysterically. Like, yeah right!! Have one normal night?? Its NOT POSSIBLE anymore. The thought of dating, of friemdships, even pets. Its an absolute NO in my book now.

I used to be social, and fun. Play sports. Date girls. Lift weights. HAVE FUN! Its all been taken away...And all thats left is crippling, unrelenting loneliness.

I HATE my life right now. I would never end my own life. But I ******* hate it.

 

[user15010]

It seems like a hell of a time you've had. No one deserves it. I still think that your therapist could be of more help if you let her in. I don't know if I would easily but still.

 

[SecondStarTotheRight]

Wish some people would give updates. Ideally positive ones. Even showing the struggle. I understand the fly-bys, but it's all a process and I always wonder what becomes of some of these... and hoping for better times.

 

[Finished]

^ Agreed. But, I'm glad they are still able to come here and vent without too much hassle. ALL is a great website!

 

[Bartho]

Sorry secondstartotheright. I didn't have alot of activity on my post, so I assumed there was no interest. With a post like mine,that was the response I was expecting. My life is way too complicated for there to be major upswing in mood etc in such a short time period. My life gets more lonely every day. Maybe this site isn't for those who've lost hope. That's what's happened with me. It affects every aspect of my life. Once my therapist FINALLY got me to accept that my chronic illness was permanent, something inside me changed. Yes it was liberating in a sense. But the hard reality has sort of broken me. Knowing that I am indeed never going to be able to run, hike, ride a bike...I have to tell you, it's devastating...it really, really hurts. My solution has been social isolation. I don't want the people I used to know to see the "new" me. And new people I meet? I just assume they won't like the new me anyway. I'm rambling now

 

[Sir Joseph]

Bartho, it's hard for anyone here to make your present situation better, but it's still a good forum to share and receive support and sympathy. I won't touch the personal family issues because I have no good solutions on dealing with that, but I'd like to give my perspective on the degrading physical abilities.

I'm not lame yet, but my arthritis has cut my physical abilities by at least 75% from 15 years ago. That's hard for a lifetime runner that used to engage in high adventure outdoor sports, trips, and work. What are we to do as we grow old and decrepit? We adapt of course and fight it by doing the best we can. I walk less but still get outside and enjoy places. I ride a bike, for now at least, exercise lightly, and try to preserve what's left. That's just part of enduring though. What gives me spiritual comfort is knowing that this life is only a temporary precursor of the real one to come. I look forward to the new body, new world, and new life that God's offered through Christ. As the Apostle Paul said,

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

I hope you have the faith to see the hope and encouragement in this. If not, then you may want to give it some consideration.

 

[user 139760]

My apologies in advance, this will not be a very uplifting post. I currently see a therapist, but there are even things I wont tell her, I guess for fear of judgement. But I need to talk about it somehwere. Thats how I found this site. Here goes....my journey into absolute loneliness.

6 years ago, I received news, terrible news that no parent ever, ever wants to hear. My second son, and daughter came to us, and told us that years earlier they had been molested. By my oldest son. Its the worst case scenario. At least if it were an outside party, I could focus my rage, and hatred on them. But is my own son. What the hell is a person to do? We sent him to jail, thats what we did. And it tore our family to shreds. My daughter may never have a normal relationship, and my second son, well....he has been completely crippled by this.

Several months after this happened, i started having chest pains. I go to the doctor, and my blood pressure is 200/120. Genetic high blood pressure. And it has damaged my body. I now take medication for high bloof pressure that makes me feel TERRIBLE, and for artery spasms. A result of years of high blood pressure.

Last year, 2020, my sister dies of a hemmorhagic stroke. Caused by the exact same condition that i have. She was 2 years older than me.

There have been other things. Work related, life related that Ive been through. But those are some of the worst things.

I tell you this because, I have basically left the world behind in my head. I am alone every single night, and I am not the same person I once was. I have beem negatively transformed. Ive tried so hard to fight, and have some sort of normal life. But I am broken to my core. And I feel SO lonely sometimes. But the thought of normal life almost makes me laugh hysterically. Like, yeah right!! Have one normal night?? Its NOT POSSIBLE anymore. The thought of dating, of friemdships, even pets. Its an absolute NO in my book now.

I used to be social, and fun. Play sports. Date girls. Lift weights. HAVE FUN! Its all been taken away...And all thats left is crippling, unrelenting loneliness.

I HATE my life right now. I would never end my own life. But I ******* hate it.

I'm with you. Like LITTERALLY with you. Slightly different but similar circumstances.
My xbox is my friend. And I hate it to death.