Never born

[57firewithme]

Hello people,

To start this silly rambling i must explain a little bit about myself. First off i've always been a loner, i've never been alone but i've always been lonely. At least emotionally and spiritually. For as long as i can remember i've felt like i don't belong anywhere, and especially this city. I always wanted to move but i wasn't sure why, i just knew i didn't belong. My childhood went pretty normal though, and had some good friends and very nice people around me. The thing is i never ever felt connected to anyone and i used to blame it on my natural shyness. Now i think i always knew there was something wrong with me. Then years passed by and my life changed quite a lot for some misfortunes of life, but i never complained. I started changing without noticing, and one day i woke up and i was unable to feel anything for anyone, people were mere faces to me, even those i could say i loved. I ended up respecting them just for the place they had on my brain instead of my heart or what i felt (or should have). Long story short i went through some very weird and dark phases and started feeling very angry and hurt towards the circumnstances of my past and the way they sort of ruined my already miserable life (i disn't realize that at the time). Walked the dark path, had thoughts i'm not proud i had at all about doing very bad things and got to understand a lot about myself. I never hurt anyone, but i really wanted to.

With time i realized i just couldn't blame people for not caring a lot since the problem was always me. I've never really cared about the people around me, but the thing is i emotionally can't. And its not like i don't feel anything at all. I do, mostly sad stuff, but i do feel. It's just that there are some things i can't get inside my brain and my heart that really put me down, and i know that they're important for me to understand. Like "life isn't fair", or that happiness doesn't last forever, its just build of small moments.
There are so many things from this world that seem so weird and dissapointing to me. I really feel i dont belong here at all, like i'm an alien. I feel like i was born in the wrong place and the wrong time, maybe even the wrong universe. Or not born at all.

After that strange phase the constant depression arrived. I feel lifeless. I never get satisfied by anything. Things i sort of liked are never enough, i don't seem to be able to apreciate anything. And that's exactly my whole point. I'm not alive, i feel pretty much like a ghost or a film camera. Just watching people's lives go by and change, while i'm stuck here, moving, but never really advancing. I have one friend that i could say it's close to me, but even with him i never talk about any personal stuff. The other "friends" are just there to have a laugh, but i'm never really honest with them. I never feel like i can express myself around them. I'm always pretending because there's no way they can understand that i can't care about them but at the same time i want them to care about me. Seems fair, huh?. My closest family is the only aspect of my life that i care about, since i've been through a lot with them, but i sometimes wonder if i really do care or is it just me trying to deny that i'ts just like with everyone else with them. I try not to think a lot about it, since it really makes me sad.
Then there's my love life. None. I've liked a bunch of girls but i'm never able to get them. I either get too obsessed or i end up ruining everything by being a little bit too sincere. Like they would somehow heal me and make me a normal person. It's a shame really since i can tell my life is not bad at all and there are so many things i could do with it, but i'm already to tired of trying to change that i don't really think i can, i supose it's because of how i'm made.
Anyway, everyday i feel bitter and bittter, more and more emotionally drained. And the funny thing is that i'm practically just a kid. I've lost all hope though, i guess i'll be here waiting for my days to end, (natural causes , im too much of a coward to hurt myself). Loneliness it's an old friend of mine, although i would prefer it not to be.
Sorry for the long post btw.

 

[rosebud]

I too feel numb quite often. Recently I noticed I'm managing to counter it, it seems. Have you set any goals in your life that you wish to accomplish? Maybe you need to find some meaning for your existence. How old are you? Maybe you're going through a phase. When you're a teenager everything is ****** up. At least it was for me. Sometimes people get confused and aren't really depressed.

And don't talk about ending it all. It's not worth it. With all the bad things happening, there are good times coming your way. Those are the moments we live for. I guess what I'm trying to say to you is you shouldn't give up on your life or on other people. I do know that no matter how difficult it is, no matter how painful it may be, finding your inner strenght will make wonders.

 

[57firewithme]

Thanks for replying, i guess i was trying to say that i dont expect to feel different anymore.
Im starting college and im gonna study medicine, and that's pretty much my only direction now. Im gonna try and finish my studies in another place though, i really dont like this city. I really hope i can start caring about people once im set on this career, since theres no point in being a doctor an not giving a crap abour your patients.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I used to think...just the inside would make me happy....
Not true . Locations makes a difference. Our enviorment effects
us.

Poeple have different mentally
in different places

I lived in the city for a couple of years. The samething happend to
me after the fun and glimmer faded.
Poeple just became faces with no names . I met so many people it was hard to get to know anyone beyound the super fical socializing. partying and hanging out. I can party for so long untl it becomes boring and same old **** different day.

Maybe you might fine a place that fit you...a smaller city or plae that allow you easy access to nature . A place where the pace isnt so fast. Not a rat race or getting anywhere cuz your in paradize already.

Ive travel to many places...met different wmen with different mentallity.