Nice Guy who isn't so "nice"

[edamame721]

A few months ago, I asked a guy out on a date I had liked for a long time. He told me he thought I just wanted to have fun and basically said he wasn't ready for commitment when I said I liked him seriously. I was hurt, but I told him I wanted to remain friends and I made efforts to be his friend. I went to his birthday party and invited him to events.

Recently, I saw him again and he asked whether I figured out what I wanted in "our relationship". He's been striking out with women (he admitted this to me) and he says he did not reject me -- but that it was me who needed to figure out if I wanted to be serious.

He accused my attempts to be friendly as another "game." I was very mad and I left. He always claims to have rotten luck with women as a "nice" guy. But he seems to warp whatever memory he has that shows he isn't so nice into something that won't bruise his ego.

At this point, I'm not even going to make any more efforts be his friend. Cool politeness seems like a good option.

 

[EveWasFramed]

A few months ago, I asked a guy out on a date I had liked for a long time. He told me he thought I just wanted to have fun and basically said he wasn't ready for commitment when I said I liked him seriously. I was hurt, but I told him I wanted to remain friends and I made efforts to be his friend. I went to his birthday party and invited him to events.

Recently, I saw him again and he asked whether I figured out what I wanted in "our relationship". He's been striking out with women (he admitted this to me) and he says he did not reject me -- but that it was me who needed to figure out if I wanted to be serious.

He accused my attempts to be friendly as another "game." I was very mad and I left. He always claims to have rotten luck with women as a "nice" guy. But he seems to warp whatever memory he has that shows he isn't so nice into something that won't bruise his ego.

At this point, I'm not even going to make any more efforts be his friend. Cool politeness seems like a good option.

Cool politeness seems like the PERFECT option actually.

 

[Boring-Weirdo]

I was "friends" with a girl who would not date me, but declared if she was still single at 40 she'd marry me just to avoid being alone. She assumed I would be desperate and lonely enough to take her whenever she waved her finger. I'm not her friend any longer.

 

[Badjedidude]

In my experience, the guys who continually ***** about being the "nice guy" are like that. They have a pretty narrow, distorted view of society (or specifically of relationships between men and women, etc)... and any interaction they share with another person in that realm gets warped right along as well.

Just my two cents: If you're flirting with a guy and he starts in with that "nice guy, bad luck with women" talk, smile politely and walk away.

 

[Boring-Weirdo]

Just my two cents: If you're flirting with a guy and he starts in with that "nice guy, bad luck with women" talk, smile politely and walk away.

I do wonder though: are people unlucky with love supposed to hate themselves?

 

[Badjedidude]

I do wonder though: are people unlucky with love supposed to hate themselves?

How often is someone truly "unlucky" in love?

Let's not attribute the results of bad judgements, poor relationship skills, and attitude/emotional instability to luck. I don't believe it's a matter of luck -- certainly not nearly as much as many seem to think. Love may be an involuntary emotional response -- depending on how you define it -- but regardless of that we still have the capability to make good decisions; if I loved a woman and she cheated on me, I would leave her no matter how strongly I felt I loved her. Why? Because despite my love for her, I simply refuse to remain in such an environment. And I probably need to rethink why I love her in the first place.

But to answer your question... no. Nobody is supposed to hate themselves.

But "nice guys" who are obsessed with how "unlucky" they are generally do hate themselves, or at least have extremely low self-esteem.

That's how I see it, anyway.

 

[9006]

Gah! Half the guys who claim the 'woe is me, I have rotten luck being a nice guy an all...' is self inflicted; they just can't see it.

Technically this guy didn't reject you, but mostly the no commitment comment really means 'I don't want a relationship, but I'd have *** with you' and because he didn't get that he blames you for playing games in your attempt to be a friend... at least that's what I got from what you said.

In my experience trying to become a friend with someone you like but doesn't like you back (in that way) seems like an attempt to 'win them over' because you're always gonna look at them that way, and this makes you feel worse when it doesn't come off. I think you have the right idea just leave him be.

 

[Peaches]

A few months ago, I asked a guy out on a date I had liked for a long time. He told me he thought I just wanted to have fun and basically said he wasn't ready for commitment when I said I liked him seriously. I was hurt, but I told him I wanted to remain friends and I made efforts to be his friend. I went to his birthday party and invited him to events.

Recently, I saw him again and he asked whether I figured out what I wanted in "our relationship". He's been striking out with women (he admitted this to me) and he says he did not reject me -- but that it was me who needed to figure out if I wanted to be serious.

He accused my attempts to be friendly as another "game." I was very mad and I left. He always claims to have rotten luck with women as a "nice" guy. But he seems to warp whatever memory he has that shows he isn't so nice into something that won't bruise his ego.

At this point, I'm not even going to make any more efforts be his friend. Cool politeness seems like a good option.

yes, it definitely sounds like he doesn't want to engage with you but won't mind some action as long as he stays free - maybe the "game" comment is one silly way to agitate the waters and see if some "action" (getting ***) follows? Also the comment where he says he didn't reject you but it was you who needed to figure out things - that comment indicates a dangerous attitude of rewriting the past, because it is clear that he was the one who didn't want involvement and needed to figure things out. Self declared "nice guys" usually are better left in their hole.

 

[daughter of the moon]

I know the kind. Eliminate all contact and run away as fast as you can!

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

Good thing you stopped talking to him. =]

I'm sorry that this happened to you though, I'm sure you'll find someone better. You don't need that kind of hassle in your life.

 

[lostatsea]

Seems to have been a major disconnect in that initial conversation. You said you wanted something serious, he said he just wanted to have fun. How that turned into you having no idea what you wanted baffles me.

Plus the fact that he admits he's coming to you like a consolation prize after striking out with other people is just insulting. Cut him out of your life, you don't need friends like that.

 

[Paul Meranda]

jesus. no wonder nice guys finish last. this is the most depressing thread ive ever seen.

 

[9006]

jesus. no wonder nice guys finish last. this is the most depressing thread ive ever seen.

Did you read the initial post?

 

[GraceBlossom]

Urgh the way he has twisted it screams at me. If it was me I would delete him out of your life he doesn't sound like he would even be a decent true friend.

 

[Boring-Weirdo]

I do wonder though: are people unlucky with love supposed to hate themselves?

How often is someone truly "unlucky" in love?

Let's not attribute the results of bad judgements, poor relationship skills, and attitude/emotional instability to luck. I don't believe it's a matter of luck -- certainly not nearly as much as many seem to think. Love may be an involuntary emotional response -- depending on how you define it -- but regardless of that we still have the capability to make good decisions; if I loved a woman and she cheated on me, I would leave her no matter how strongly I felt I loved her. Why? Because despite my love for her, I simply refuse to remain in such an environment. And I probably need to rethink why I love her in the first place.

But to answer your question... no. Nobody is supposed to hate themselves.

But "nice guys" who are obsessed with how "unlucky" they are generally do hate themselves, or at least have extremely low self-esteem.

That's how I see it, anyway.

I guess I have to disagree; primarily because I don't believe in free-will. Everything that happens to any of us is "luck".

 

[SofiasMami]

After the way he treated you, you're under no obligation to be polite; cut him off. Let him miss you. The only thing a guy like that can do for you is take your time and attention away from men who truly deserve you.

As for being lucky vs. unlucky, the older I get, the more I see that much of what happens in our lives has a lot to do with luck. As a tiny example, we don't get to choose the location of our births or our parents. Yet these have a huge impact on our entire lives. I just don't believe in free will or "choose your own destiny" or any of those feel-good sayings

-Teresa

 

[ardour]

I'd usually come to the defence of the "Nice guy", as it's an often misapplied epitaph.

This one sounds manipulative. It will probably be a case no longer wanting what he has once he has it.

 

[Paul Meranda]

jesus. no wonder nice guys finish last. this is the most depressing thread ive ever seen.

Did you read the initial post?

of course. .. i think i may have just taken BadJediDude's comments the wrong way, that's all..

 

[Dr. Strangelove]

A few months ago, I asked a guy out on a date I had liked for a long time. He told me he thought I just wanted to have fun and basically said he wasn't ready for commitment when I said I liked him seriously. I was hurt, but I told him I wanted to remain friends and I made efforts to be his friend. I went to his birthday party and invited him to events.

Recently, I saw him again and he asked whether I figured out what I wanted in "our relationship". He's been striking out with women (he admitted this to me) and he says he did not reject me -- but that it was me who needed to figure out if I wanted to be serious.

He accused my attempts to be friendly as another "game." I was very mad and I left. He always claims to have rotten luck with women as a "nice" guy. But he seems to warp whatever memory he has that shows he isn't so nice into something that won't bruise his ego.

At this point, I'm not even going to make any more efforts be his friend. Cool politeness seems like a good option.

To me he doesn't sound like a stereotypical "Nice Guy" Any nice guy would have dated you or had a legitimate reason not to, they wouldn't just want to bang you, or keep you around as a consolation prize. This guy sounds like he has the typical jock attitude and he is using the nice guy mentality as an excuse to gain brownie points. There are better people out there than him.