The problem with people on this forum who complain about not having a relationship is that they (and anyone else agreeing with them) see only the little picture. It especially true when it comes to this thread where they believe a relationship would fix their unhappiness. What people don't realize here is that problems are usually all interconnected, a good analogy is a 1000 piece puzzle. Fixing life's problems is the same thing a putting a puzzle together - start with little things, easy things and work inward - the borders of a 1000 piece puzzle is where most people usually start, and as things progress, other pieces are touched multiple times and looked over, it becomes easier. The puzzle comes together more and more quickly.
Without writing a book, or long essay, I will just say from my own experience this works in real life. I was a mess as a teen, and really naive and socially stupid in my 20's. I had zero respect, and my body language and communication sent messages out to others that caused people to be disrespectful, sometimes mean. I was a laughing stock - ever think about being in a room and everyone is laughing at something, and then you laugh with them until you realize they are laughing at you? There is shame in that - I have a past that I'm ashamed of, or was. And when I was about 30 - 32, I had enough and really wanted to end my life.
Long story short, I withdrew from everyone and everything for ten years and went through a personal reform. I had nobody to help me, counseling really was ineffective, my problems were too deep. My reforms covered every single detail of my life - communication with others including understanding and listening skills - speaking skills, I taught myself how to use better boundaries, confronting/conflict-resolution skills. I learned how to better control and understand my emotions. I used role models as templates... I learned how to cook (and have become an excellent cook, I can gourmet cook) and adopted a healthier lifestyle. I reformed my workout routine from a strength endurance to a combination of strength, body-building, and added cardio. The workout program and eating right, has been very helpful with everything else I was doing. I ignored people and relationships during this time. I was in a toxic loveless marriage which was good. I ignored her, and focused on myself and raising my son (who now is an adult and patterns his life after my own).
How and why this all fits into this thread? Dismiss my marriage - there are people here who would say I was not unsuccessful because I was married, having ***, and whatever. I married her because I didn't think I'd ever get another chance with a woman. She was terrible to live with, and we were very incompatible. Without wasting keystrokes here, don't think being married equates with being successful with women. She was a life lesson on what not to do. Back to the point - I started small with personal reforms, like telling the truth no matter what. I realized how much I was untruthful about myself because of how ashamed I was to be naive, and being me. Instead of making excuses for my problems or weaknesses, I began to try to learn from my mistakes. Admitting when I was wrong when I had too, or admitting I didn't understand something IF I had to admit that. I adapted to a life pattern of taking responsibility for my actions and choices. I dismissed my past, and focused on changing my habits.
What I discovered was just like I mentioned above, as you fix things, other things fix themselves as you progress. Your skill levels change and your dealings with the world change, your perspective changes and as a result, other people change their perspectives of you, and their responses to you. The world responds to you, the way you interact with it and as YOU change, your world changes....for the better.
The little picture here, girlfriend relationships - at age 42, I emerged from personal reform knowing I had fixed a bunch of things. I lost most of the few friends I had due to my abrupt withdraw, that's the price for my work on myself and to this day, I have no friends, no social circle, just acquaintances. What I did change was how people treated me, how they respect me. I am strong and in a good place in life. I divorced my toxic cheating wife, and entered the dating world immediately, (she told my son how lucky I was to have her, and that I never would get a girlfriend). I found myself in the opposite situation, doing rather well in my love life. I was respected at work, and in the community. I felt so relieved and grateful to be where I was that I started a community program for children I called <kids-club> and used community service projects to teach them life skills I had learned in personal reform. I just was so grateful and inspired to teach others, young people especially so that they might gain some life tools that I didn't have at their age. To maybe help tip the scale. I ended the program this year so I could spend my weekends having fun and romancing this wonderful woman who has made my life perfect. I spent 11 years running this club - and I could write another post on the life skills I added to my toolbox doing this.
Anyway, my post is to tell you that life isn't as complicated as alot of people make it. Lonely people get so wrapped up in wanting a relationship that they don't realize that even if they were handed one, all those problems would follow them into the relationship and create a bigger problem. As you begin to fix yourself, you will have more to offer someone and will discover doors opening for you - INCLUDING the relationship dept.
The problem with people today, most people including here in this forum, don't take advice. They want to vent, they want people to vent with them, to validate their reasons for being lonely. They want to blame the other gender for being picky, not giving them a chance. Facing shame, is not an easy thing to do. I am going to tell you though, once you do it, once you fix some things.....you realize that what you were ashamed of was small potatoes. "I was frozen in life because of that???" I said this many times.
I am engaged to the most beautiful woman I have ever had the privilege of being with. She said she had a crush on me for 13 years, the year she started working with me. That was when I turned 42, when I had wrapped up my reforms..... I told her she came at a perfect time, if it had been a few years sooner, or even earlier, she wouldn't have liked me. And even now, I don't have a magnetic personality, I tend to "not get along" with others as opposed to the opposite. Yet she tells me being with me, this is the first time in her life she's truly felt safe. I am honored to provide that, something in the beginning I couldn't provide for myself.
This isn't bragging, don't take it wrong. What I'm saying, is if I can do this, ANYONE can, including yourself. It takes time, it takes determination, it takes patience.
