Munchkin_Invasion
Member
HI! I haven't joined a forum in a while, but I think this might be therapeutic for me, at least to write my story down and get some responses from like-minded individuals.
So I'm 24 years old, and I am currently attending college in Colorado, USA. I'm a 6'2", attractive (so I've been told...), well-liked guy with many friends. I am, however, in a very dark place, and I will explain why.
My troubles started halfway through middle school/early high school when I lived in New York City. I grew up in a privileged household, and attended an "elite" all-boys private school. Things got very cliquey in high school, and if you were socially awkward, you were bullied and left in the dust. I was a very skinny bespectacled nerd who read voraciously about WWII history and other history subjects; when I went home, I would spend hours playing computer/video games, because I had very few friends with whom to hang out with. I would procrastinate like crazy on my HW and did poorly in school. I hated math, didn't do well in science, but (somewhat) excelled in English and History. Anyway, I had maybe 2 or 3 friends at this school, the rest of the kids I was either indifferent about, or didn't like them because they were cruel. A vast majority of the kids in my school were rich, pompous ******** who thought their ***** didn't stink. They were extremely mean to the more sensitive, introverted kids (me). I needed a change.
When I was 16, I decided I had had enough. I have always been an outdoorsy type -- going on ski vacations to Colorado and Vermont since I was a young lad. Skiing was (and still is) the greatest passion in my life, and I found a boarding school in the White Mountains of New Hampshire that had mountain biking, climbing, and ski programs. Perfect! So, with my parents blessing, I moved to New Hampshire for my junior and senior years of high school. I moved into a dorm with a bunch of pot-heads and was introduced to booze and weed. It started as a weekend thing, but before long, I was smoking herb every day. Partly because I wanted to alter my consciousness, partly because I wanted to overcome my social awkwardness, and partly because I wanted to fit in. It worked to some extent -- I became friends with all my dorm-mates and had interactions with girls my own age on a regular basis for the first (!) time. I was still pretty awkward though, and still got made fun of. The difference was I now had friends and people liked me -- I was no longer simply a wall-flower. I joined the cross-country team in the fall, skied every day in the winter, and climbed in the spring. I was in shape, and was feeling more confident in myself than I had in New York. I started listening to Pink Floyd and the Grateful Dead, ate mushrooms for the first time, and lost my virginity. (My first time lasted 3 seconds, and this actually was horrible for my self-esteem. I didn't have actual sex for another 2 years.) Things seemed to be on the upswing, however, I was still the insecure kid from my days in New York, and I couldn't shake the internal feelings of an extreme lack of self-worth.
I decided I wasn't ready for college. I got into school in Colorado, and deferred for a year so I could go on an adventure. Mind you, I've never had a job at this point -- my parents are still supporting me completely. I told them I wanted to do a wilderness survival program in Patagonia, Chile, and they were fully supportive. So I went down for a two month-long program. Lo and behold, everyone on the program liked me! I found my social skills were improving and I was able to make friends easier. So anyway, we embark on a 35 day mountaineering expedition, followed by a 35 day sea kayaking expedition. The mountaineering was the most mentally and physically excruciatingly difficult thing I have ever experienced in my life. Halfway through the sea-kayaking expedition, I got an intestinal parasite, and had to be med-e-vacced. I got to the mainland, and ended up backpacking by myself around South America for another 5 months. This was the most richly fulfilling thing I have ever done. I made friends everywhere I went, and people loved me! I started to have much more confidence in myself. I thought, if I can survive 50 days in the Patagonian wilderness, I can do ******' anything. I still had never had a girlfriend though, and this was frustrating to me. I was not very sexually experienced, and I was pretty worried about this. Fast-forward to college.
Anyway, let me speed this up I guess. I get to college, and make friends with everybody in my dorm. Start partying really hard. Get diagnosed with BiPolar disorder, get sent to the mental hospital three times within a year. My mania manifested itself as a spiritual awakening, and I got really into meditation, Kundalini, Hinduism, Buddhism, etc. Get back to college and continue partying really hard, going to lots of concerts. Lots of MDMA and acid. There's this one band I've now seen literally 50 times. I know ****** everyone in the scene. I go to a show and every 5 feet i see a friend of mine. In college, I have probably a hundred friends I see on a regular basis. Everyone loves me and tells me how much they love me. I love them too. Starting when I was 21, I started getting with lots of girls. I mean, lots. I once hooked up with 4 different girls in 4 days -- this is one of my crowning achievements in life (LOL). I got a "girlfriend," who was basically just a 6-month-long ****-buddy. That was my most meaningful relationship. I've had a few weeks' long flings here and there, but nothing of substance. Usually the girls I love don't like me as much, and the girls who get attached to me, I don't want to be with. I thought I found the girl of my dreams at one point -- she was a beautiful Colombian, and just as obsessed with my favorite band as I was. We hooked up once, and then I didn't hear from her for months, when she said "sorry, I should have communicated better." Ya, no ****. I fell in unrequited love with another girl (also a follower of my favorite band) who became a lesbian... I get increasingly frustrated.
I have now moved into a new apartment, and I met a girl who lives in my building. she's a passionate snowboarder, and has a great personality. I quickly became infatuated, as I have so often in the past. She did not reciprocate, and I became very depressed, drinking/doing drugs heavily and going on all-night benders. I have started to despair. Why do I have all these friends who love me, all these women I've consorted with, but I'm almost 25 and never been in love? Never had a real girlfriend. Why doesn't a girl want to be with me? Am I worthy of love? Will I be alone forever? Why do the women I like not like me back? I'm tired of random hookups. I want something of substance. I want to be in love. I am rarely alone, have more friends than anyone I know, yet I am LONELY as all get out. I feel empty, depressed, and dejected. I SHOULD be happy with my all of my friends, but I'm not. I am trying to take a month off from drugs and booze, and see how this effects my mood. This latest unrequited love has really devastated me, and I am glad I'm putting this out there. I am also basically failing out of my last year of college...
I really appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read this. There are more details that I've left out, but maybe I can elaborate later.
TL;DR: I come from a well-to-do family, I'm good-looking, fun to be with, people love me, get lots of girls, have been on crazy adventures, have great stories to tell... but I have never been in love, and I am more insecure, dejected, and depressed than ever.
I'm just trying to understand why someone who seemingly has everything is so sad and lonely. Maybe somebody here can relate?
So I'm 24 years old, and I am currently attending college in Colorado, USA. I'm a 6'2", attractive (so I've been told...), well-liked guy with many friends. I am, however, in a very dark place, and I will explain why.
My troubles started halfway through middle school/early high school when I lived in New York City. I grew up in a privileged household, and attended an "elite" all-boys private school. Things got very cliquey in high school, and if you were socially awkward, you were bullied and left in the dust. I was a very skinny bespectacled nerd who read voraciously about WWII history and other history subjects; when I went home, I would spend hours playing computer/video games, because I had very few friends with whom to hang out with. I would procrastinate like crazy on my HW and did poorly in school. I hated math, didn't do well in science, but (somewhat) excelled in English and History. Anyway, I had maybe 2 or 3 friends at this school, the rest of the kids I was either indifferent about, or didn't like them because they were cruel. A vast majority of the kids in my school were rich, pompous ******** who thought their ***** didn't stink. They were extremely mean to the more sensitive, introverted kids (me). I needed a change.
When I was 16, I decided I had had enough. I have always been an outdoorsy type -- going on ski vacations to Colorado and Vermont since I was a young lad. Skiing was (and still is) the greatest passion in my life, and I found a boarding school in the White Mountains of New Hampshire that had mountain biking, climbing, and ski programs. Perfect! So, with my parents blessing, I moved to New Hampshire for my junior and senior years of high school. I moved into a dorm with a bunch of pot-heads and was introduced to booze and weed. It started as a weekend thing, but before long, I was smoking herb every day. Partly because I wanted to alter my consciousness, partly because I wanted to overcome my social awkwardness, and partly because I wanted to fit in. It worked to some extent -- I became friends with all my dorm-mates and had interactions with girls my own age on a regular basis for the first (!) time. I was still pretty awkward though, and still got made fun of. The difference was I now had friends and people liked me -- I was no longer simply a wall-flower. I joined the cross-country team in the fall, skied every day in the winter, and climbed in the spring. I was in shape, and was feeling more confident in myself than I had in New York. I started listening to Pink Floyd and the Grateful Dead, ate mushrooms for the first time, and lost my virginity. (My first time lasted 3 seconds, and this actually was horrible for my self-esteem. I didn't have actual sex for another 2 years.) Things seemed to be on the upswing, however, I was still the insecure kid from my days in New York, and I couldn't shake the internal feelings of an extreme lack of self-worth.
I decided I wasn't ready for college. I got into school in Colorado, and deferred for a year so I could go on an adventure. Mind you, I've never had a job at this point -- my parents are still supporting me completely. I told them I wanted to do a wilderness survival program in Patagonia, Chile, and they were fully supportive. So I went down for a two month-long program. Lo and behold, everyone on the program liked me! I found my social skills were improving and I was able to make friends easier. So anyway, we embark on a 35 day mountaineering expedition, followed by a 35 day sea kayaking expedition. The mountaineering was the most mentally and physically excruciatingly difficult thing I have ever experienced in my life. Halfway through the sea-kayaking expedition, I got an intestinal parasite, and had to be med-e-vacced. I got to the mainland, and ended up backpacking by myself around South America for another 5 months. This was the most richly fulfilling thing I have ever done. I made friends everywhere I went, and people loved me! I started to have much more confidence in myself. I thought, if I can survive 50 days in the Patagonian wilderness, I can do ******' anything. I still had never had a girlfriend though, and this was frustrating to me. I was not very sexually experienced, and I was pretty worried about this. Fast-forward to college.
Anyway, let me speed this up I guess. I get to college, and make friends with everybody in my dorm. Start partying really hard. Get diagnosed with BiPolar disorder, get sent to the mental hospital three times within a year. My mania manifested itself as a spiritual awakening, and I got really into meditation, Kundalini, Hinduism, Buddhism, etc. Get back to college and continue partying really hard, going to lots of concerts. Lots of MDMA and acid. There's this one band I've now seen literally 50 times. I know ****** everyone in the scene. I go to a show and every 5 feet i see a friend of mine. In college, I have probably a hundred friends I see on a regular basis. Everyone loves me and tells me how much they love me. I love them too. Starting when I was 21, I started getting with lots of girls. I mean, lots. I once hooked up with 4 different girls in 4 days -- this is one of my crowning achievements in life (LOL). I got a "girlfriend," who was basically just a 6-month-long ****-buddy. That was my most meaningful relationship. I've had a few weeks' long flings here and there, but nothing of substance. Usually the girls I love don't like me as much, and the girls who get attached to me, I don't want to be with. I thought I found the girl of my dreams at one point -- she was a beautiful Colombian, and just as obsessed with my favorite band as I was. We hooked up once, and then I didn't hear from her for months, when she said "sorry, I should have communicated better." Ya, no ****. I fell in unrequited love with another girl (also a follower of my favorite band) who became a lesbian... I get increasingly frustrated.
I have now moved into a new apartment, and I met a girl who lives in my building. she's a passionate snowboarder, and has a great personality. I quickly became infatuated, as I have so often in the past. She did not reciprocate, and I became very depressed, drinking/doing drugs heavily and going on all-night benders. I have started to despair. Why do I have all these friends who love me, all these women I've consorted with, but I'm almost 25 and never been in love? Never had a real girlfriend. Why doesn't a girl want to be with me? Am I worthy of love? Will I be alone forever? Why do the women I like not like me back? I'm tired of random hookups. I want something of substance. I want to be in love. I am rarely alone, have more friends than anyone I know, yet I am LONELY as all get out. I feel empty, depressed, and dejected. I SHOULD be happy with my all of my friends, but I'm not. I am trying to take a month off from drugs and booze, and see how this effects my mood. This latest unrequited love has really devastated me, and I am glad I'm putting this out there. I am also basically failing out of my last year of college...
I really appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read this. There are more details that I've left out, but maybe I can elaborate later.
TL;DR: I come from a well-to-do family, I'm good-looking, fun to be with, people love me, get lots of girls, have been on crazy adventures, have great stories to tell... but I have never been in love, and I am more insecure, dejected, and depressed than ever.
I'm just trying to understand why someone who seemingly has everything is so sad and lonely. Maybe somebody here can relate?
