Not functioning in modern life- why?

[Peaches]

The thing is, I know what makes me happy: for one year+ three years I lived in what was basically a community, a group of people living in the same small place and attending the same events, and I was happy. Before that, for a couple of years at university or high school, I would see people every day and I was happy.
What I cannot stand is to live in the city, I usually miss half of the events because my health is not good, now it's even worse than before for various reasons; when I go, I am extremely shy and try and hide it, so I usually end up saying something off key, or we meet a few times and I don't know how to break the ice and everything ends there, or I have to cancel an appointment and I don't hear from them again; anyway, every time I tried to live in the city I ended up completely alone. What is wrong with me?!

When I live in a community, where people are forced to see me more than once or twice, I usually end up having a solid group of friends, because it's easier to overcome the first bad impression. Why doesn't this happen when I live in the city?! Now I have a decent job, a lot of activities, even if almost zero friends, why do I have to lose everything to depression and despair once again only because I can't seem to connect to most people?
I have been trying to look for an alternative way of life, and I am considering volunteering or something else by which your life is what you do and you are always together with others, or to find a different job with those characteristics, but how do I resist for the next two years until the end of this job? I feel I am failing and failing, and I keep repeating the same mistakes.
I can't find a smiley sadder than this, there should be one to express what I feel right now

 

[IgnoredOne]

A large part of it is that you've grown up a certain way and apparently ti sounds like your first time in a city life; its not your fault, its just inexperience. For what it is worth, its a common issue with a lot of people.

Volunteering or getting to know people in general will help ; don't worry too much about the first appearance, it is what it is. Improve yourself for yourself, not for anyone else. You might get to know some people at work as well, inevitably.

Having health issues sucks. I sympathize - are there any mitigating factors that you can do to reduce them? Eating better, sleeping more, etc?

 

[Peaches]

I changed city let me think - 12 times in my life, 5 times in foreign countries we can really say that each time feels like the first time..

Improve my health, I am doing all I can, I was severely disabled for a number of years, and now I am much better but still can do like 60% of what other people can do in terms of effort and going out I have been trying innumerable therapies, and this is why I am better now, and I take much care of that, but it is not granted that I will improve, so doing things with others is really difficult and I have to be careful about the organization so that I concentrate going to one place as much as possible and don't disperse the energy going once there and once here (as I used to do).

I have been at this office for one year now and I didn't connect with anybody, because we have extremely different attitudes (they are very academic and go to the office only to work, they already have a life) I bonded mostly with the janitors, but we don't have a lot in common with regards to interests etc - I am trying to get an office with more like minded people, creative, into human rights, etc, and more open to friendship, but I am paralyzed by the fear that even there I won't make any friends because -?.

To find such an office I have to move to a bigger city from the small city where I live now. I usually go to the big city twice a week so I know that my social life is better there, but I feel so down at the idea of living alone in the crowd again, and I am afraid of getting depression.

Anyway, thanks for thinking it was the first time, it makes me feel young

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