mustachioed_badass_42
Well-known member
I'm very sorry for dumping all of this here; but sometimes, it becomes difficult to bottle up my feelings, so I just decided to post this here...
Now, where do I begin? First off, it has dawned upon me that I certainly feel "older" than I really am. I lack much of the youthful energy and enthusiasm that my classmates at school seem to have. Things in my family haven't been pretty since even before I was born. There is a lot that I can say, but I have neither the time nor the energy to do so. Therefore, let's just stick to the recent happenings.
My grandparents (father's parents) have done a lot of wrong things over the years, but 2024 was the worst. The entire story is a very long and heartbreaking one. It feels cathartic to just vent out my feelings on a forum, but for some reason, I can't really get myself to post it. I don't know, something is just holding me back. It just seems so "personal" and "sensitive" (for lack of better words), and the incidents themselves are so... bad... that I can't really get myself to post it on a public forum. So, to put it in the most vague way possible, my grandparents' arrogance and self-obsession led to my father's death. They never treated my father well during his childhood. It's a long story. Even after his death, they shed not a single tear, but continued doing bad things. And the problem is, it is just so out of the box for others to comprehend that a parent may harm their child, it is difficult for others to believe it.
My grandparents have done wrong things to my mother over the years, and all these incidents have made her quite bitter, so she often took out her frustration on me. Maybe if I were older, I'd have understood why she was doing it, but I was a child, so I derived my entire self-perception based on what she said about me. Now, I know better, but my personality has been shaped for so many years based on what she said that... it's quite difficult to change it. Perhaps the main reason behind my low self-esteem.
After all the saga I have seen, there are some things I feel. Sometimes I just need a warm heart to listen and comfort me. I dunno why, it just feels good to have someone to share your problems with. She has always told me that I can share anything with her, but whenever I do try to say anything, she immediately starts ranting about others' problems or her own problems, how people have it worse. I know some people have it worse, and I have all the more empathy for them, but saying this doesn't really solve my own problems. I... can't really blame her. She too was just in her twenties when all of this started. It must have been hard to handle. Due to this, I reckon she has unknowingly affected me over the years, because I developed my whole idea of self based on certain hurtful things she used to say.
Pardon me if this seems a bit whiny or clingy, but... I don't like it when she portrays me as some unruly or malicious person. It really hurts when she says that she regrets having me merely if I do something I like to. I personally consider 'obedience' to be a vice (my father himself would have been better off if he used his own thinking ability rather than valuing 'obedience' to his parents, but that's another long story), yet I always obeyed her, just to make her happy. I always did what she wanted, even if I didn't like it, just to make her happy. But she was never satisfied. It really hurt when she used to call me a monster whom she is tasked to correct. I'm not saying she doesn't love me. Surely she does more than anyone else on this planet. Indeed, I reckon she gave all she could to ensure a good quality of life for me, but sometimes perhaps the pent-up frustration got ahold of her. So... I don't intend to portray her in a negative light. I empathise with her, but I reckon this is just a really unfortunate situation.
However, she became somewhat kinder to me after my father died, but she is also a lot sadder. Sometimes I see her crying in a room all by herself. I don't like seeing her this way, but what can I possibly do?
My classmates are quite frivolous. They just cry and whine over something as simple as getting a bad grade or being turned down by their crush, as if that's the worst thing that can happen to them. But, on second thoughts, maybe that's how a teenager is normally supposed to be: frivolous and nimble-minded. Saying that I "feel older" just implies that I have run out of my serotonin way earlier than I should have
I just mean that after all of this emotional tension, I don't seem to have too much of energy for high dreams and ambitions that are commonly associated with the youth. Instead, I just long for a calm and peaceful life, similar to the lives led by older people. I don't like acting like I'm a victim of great injustices, but... there is a limit to what I can handle at this age...
It often makes me a bit sad to think that there is no one that actually *knows* me. My mother herself has no idea about the kind of person I truly am. The way she describes me, or portrays myself in front of me or other people, is totally different from the kind of person I actually am.
That's all I can write for now, but there's a lot more. I've been trying to write this for over a month (!) because I thought it would be cathartic to vent out my feelings in writing, but I just can't get myself to write the worse bits. But since I have already written so much, why not post it?
I wish I just had a proper family. Nothing much, just everyone loving each other, laughing together, and having a good time. Perhaps then I would've been happier, more confident in myself, mentally "younger"...
Now, where do I begin? First off, it has dawned upon me that I certainly feel "older" than I really am. I lack much of the youthful energy and enthusiasm that my classmates at school seem to have. Things in my family haven't been pretty since even before I was born. There is a lot that I can say, but I have neither the time nor the energy to do so. Therefore, let's just stick to the recent happenings.
My grandparents (father's parents) have done a lot of wrong things over the years, but 2024 was the worst. The entire story is a very long and heartbreaking one. It feels cathartic to just vent out my feelings on a forum, but for some reason, I can't really get myself to post it. I don't know, something is just holding me back. It just seems so "personal" and "sensitive" (for lack of better words), and the incidents themselves are so... bad... that I can't really get myself to post it on a public forum. So, to put it in the most vague way possible, my grandparents' arrogance and self-obsession led to my father's death. They never treated my father well during his childhood. It's a long story. Even after his death, they shed not a single tear, but continued doing bad things. And the problem is, it is just so out of the box for others to comprehend that a parent may harm their child, it is difficult for others to believe it.
My grandparents have done wrong things to my mother over the years, and all these incidents have made her quite bitter, so she often took out her frustration on me. Maybe if I were older, I'd have understood why she was doing it, but I was a child, so I derived my entire self-perception based on what she said about me. Now, I know better, but my personality has been shaped for so many years based on what she said that... it's quite difficult to change it. Perhaps the main reason behind my low self-esteem.
After all the saga I have seen, there are some things I feel. Sometimes I just need a warm heart to listen and comfort me. I dunno why, it just feels good to have someone to share your problems with. She has always told me that I can share anything with her, but whenever I do try to say anything, she immediately starts ranting about others' problems or her own problems, how people have it worse. I know some people have it worse, and I have all the more empathy for them, but saying this doesn't really solve my own problems. I... can't really blame her. She too was just in her twenties when all of this started. It must have been hard to handle. Due to this, I reckon she has unknowingly affected me over the years, because I developed my whole idea of self based on certain hurtful things she used to say.
Pardon me if this seems a bit whiny or clingy, but... I don't like it when she portrays me as some unruly or malicious person. It really hurts when she says that she regrets having me merely if I do something I like to. I personally consider 'obedience' to be a vice (my father himself would have been better off if he used his own thinking ability rather than valuing 'obedience' to his parents, but that's another long story), yet I always obeyed her, just to make her happy. I always did what she wanted, even if I didn't like it, just to make her happy. But she was never satisfied. It really hurt when she used to call me a monster whom she is tasked to correct. I'm not saying she doesn't love me. Surely she does more than anyone else on this planet. Indeed, I reckon she gave all she could to ensure a good quality of life for me, but sometimes perhaps the pent-up frustration got ahold of her. So... I don't intend to portray her in a negative light. I empathise with her, but I reckon this is just a really unfortunate situation.
However, she became somewhat kinder to me after my father died, but she is also a lot sadder. Sometimes I see her crying in a room all by herself. I don't like seeing her this way, but what can I possibly do?
My classmates are quite frivolous. They just cry and whine over something as simple as getting a bad grade or being turned down by their crush, as if that's the worst thing that can happen to them. But, on second thoughts, maybe that's how a teenager is normally supposed to be: frivolous and nimble-minded. Saying that I "feel older" just implies that I have run out of my serotonin way earlier than I should have
I just mean that after all of this emotional tension, I don't seem to have too much of energy for high dreams and ambitions that are commonly associated with the youth. Instead, I just long for a calm and peaceful life, similar to the lives led by older people. I don't like acting like I'm a victim of great injustices, but... there is a limit to what I can handle at this age...It often makes me a bit sad to think that there is no one that actually *knows* me. My mother herself has no idea about the kind of person I truly am. The way she describes me, or portrays myself in front of me or other people, is totally different from the kind of person I actually am.
That's all I can write for now, but there's a lot more. I've been trying to write this for over a month (!) because I thought it would be cathartic to vent out my feelings in writing, but I just can't get myself to write the worse bits. But since I have already written so much, why not post it?
I wish I just had a proper family. Nothing much, just everyone loving each other, laughing together, and having a good time. Perhaps then I would've been happier, more confident in myself, mentally "younger"...
