Now or never, it's all or nothing

[Liam]

Hello, everyone.

You know what? I know a girl for over 3 years. Do you know last fm website? We've "met" there. In 2009 (I was 17, she's same age), I registered there. I made some comments on artists sites. They were Polish artists (we're from Poland), which were recognized as one of the best for many - but I didn't like them, so I posted negative comments about it and I fought with many people over the Internet in those artists shoutbox. And then, she saw it. She wrote to me. She didn't want to tell me why she wrote to me, I didn't push on it. After 3 years, around 2 months ago, she told me that she wrote to me because of that Internet argue. She said I was amazing - so confident, giving funny and smart comments and riposting them with ease. That was the reason. Well, "trolling" on the Internet gave a birth to a relationship.

Well, about this relationship. We've never met in person. We've never talked. I don't know how she sounds like, she doesn't know how I sound like. We were talking a lot through that site, exchanging tons of private messages. Basically, our day was like that: wake up, go to school, hurry up to home, turn on computer, get on last fm and talk for entire day with each other.

And yea. We fell in love with each other. I aksed her if she loves me - she thought I was joking, so she said ironically "yes, I can't live without you". And I responded "Good. Because I also love you so much...". That's how it started. 3 years later she told me that she had in that moment tears in her eyes and she realized she loved me to. And so it begun - we were young, we were in love through Internet. Wy didn't we meet? A huge obstacle - insecurities. She never had a boyfriend. I always wondered - why? She's so beautiful. And those are not words of a person who's blindly in love. She's a real beauty. But she has lots of insecurities, she's scared of relationships, she scared of allowing someone to get close to her. But over Internet...she wasn't scared. We started exchanging text messages via cellphones. We had 2 brakes in our relationship - from my fault, but I don't want to talk about it, we went through it somehow.

Right now, things are getting more serious and she's terrified. I'm struggling to keep her by my side. For last 6 months, she's saying from time to time "we have to end this, this is a waste of time" etc, etc. She doesn't want to meet me - she's just horribly scared that if I will meet her in person, I will dissappointed in her and I will say "I don't want you". She's just scared because of her insecurities. She never dated anyone. She does have friends, she's not socially awkard, she's just scared of relationships. And because things were getting more serious - our love was growing stronger, she was scared. She wants to end this. I'm fighting like a lion to keep her by my side, I'm doing everything, but it's getting harder and harder. I respect her privacy highly - I just can't get into a train and visit her. She won't tell me where she exactly lives and asking everyone in a big city where a certain person lives is kinda messed up... She doesn't answer phone calls either. She doesn't want to talk. She's scared. Horribly scared. Today, I called her for the first time. I did it 5 times, she rejected all phone calls, texting me that we have to end this, that it's over, that it doesn't make sense and that I should search for a girl that's not so scared. I'm always telling her that I love her no matter what and I always will, but she doesn't listen. She's overwhelmed by her fear.

So I said to her "if you don't want to talk, I will record a message for you and you will listen to it".

Honestly, I should have done it ages ago.

She said "Ok. But promise me that if that won't convince me, you will let me go and never text me again".

I told her to promise that she will try as hard as she can to win with her fear, to fight with it, and she agreed. So I also agreed to promise my thing.

Oh, and 6 months ago we also promised each other that if we won't have no one after 5 years (we'll finish our studies after that time), we will meet. And this promise is still intact.

So right now, I have to think about the most important speech of my life. I will record it on monday. I have day and a half to think about it. This is the final battle for this love and I swear, I'm not going to lose it. But I have no idea what to tell her. I will be frightened while recording. I just wanted to share this story...

 

[kamya]

I don't want to break your heart but it sounds like she's not interested anymore. The scared thing is most likely just an excuse, a tool, an easy way out for her.

But, I could be wrong. So still I would try hard for the "final battle" if it means that much to you. Just remember that even if things don't work out, it's not the end of the world. Your future isn't doomed if she turns you down.

 

[Liam]

Not interested anymore? We "broke up" some time ago. I tried to forget. But neither of us could. She couldn't stand 4 days without texting me.

 

[LoneKiller]

She's interested in someone else.

 

[Tiina63]

Record the message and see what happens. But try not to build up too many hopes. It sounds as if this girl is very fragile emotionally and pschologically. Even if your message gets her to change her mind now and to stay in touch, she may back away again in the future. To be honest, I would be looking at meeting someone else.

 

[The Good Citizen]

She's interested in someone else.

That very flippant, there's no way you can know that. I think he deserves a bit more of considered response.

I would agree with Kamya that she could be trying to push you away but not wanting to tell you directly. It might genuinely be she is to scared to meet but it is also a possibility that she just can't tell you that she doesn't want to meet for other reasons too so that is something you should keep in mind for your own sake.

Only you know what to say in your message but if it were myself I would personally consider asking her to meet you as friends and leave out all talk of anything else to one side. Say you want to become friends in person establish that and maybe that will allay some of her fears if she gets to meet the real you. Perhaps promise not to mention talk of anything more unless she indicates that's what she wants and just take the pressure of the situation off her as much as possible. It might be what you need too. I know its hard when you've already developed feelings for someone.

I would however prepare yourself for a fall, there does sound a possibility she is letting you go gently although whether that's the case its impossible to say. Good luck!

 

[Okiedokes]

For someone who is so scared, aren't they more afraid to lose you? I guess I don't understand that part. I'd give it a shot with the message. You don't have anything to lose if you do it. If you don't, you will have that in your mind the "what if" I did that. Just prepare yourself that it may not work. See, there are a lot of possibilities. She's the only one who can tell you why or why not she is wanting to end this.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I would agree with whoever thinks she's not interested anymore, and for the life of me, I can never figure out why people just won't come out and say so if that's really the case... However, if there's a special bond between the two of you - whether it's dating or being each other's best friend or that person you always go back to no matter what - I think that will preserver and that is what will make things happen the way they're supposed to go. Even if it's ten years from now, she may look up one day and realize that she should have never let you go.

 

[flaneur]

How did it go?

 

[Liam]

I didn't record that message because yesterday we spent entire day on texting each other and our "relationship" is "moving" forward, although I'm getting tired and either I'm gonna go to her place without her permission and finally meet her face to face or the next time she'll threaten me to end this relation, I'll just say "ok, see ya".

 

[VanillaCreme]

I understand why one would just give up, because flipping back and forth is very tiring. If it's meant to be, it will be though. Perhaps she's in your life now to show you something.

 

[ajdass1]

Maybe it would be a good idea to take a step back. Talking about showing up at her house uninvited... regardless of what the relationship is like at the moment, to me that's crossing a line.

By all means take the initiative and make the first step, but don't go too far. It's scary territory that you're heading into with that statement, and I feel that personally I would rather let her go and find someone else rather than venture into that morally questionable territory.

That being said, I *do* hope it works out for you. Good luck.

 

[Liam]

God, we had an argue at monday evening, so she said at one point "remember, we had a deal, I want that recording, bye", so I told her "ok, you'll get".

She got awfuly scared of the idea that I will really record it. She started telling me to not do it, that we don't have to change anything, that things are good right now and that one day we'll eventually meet, and I told her "no, I'm not going to sit here and wait for someone else to take you, while I'll never get my chance" and I recorded that for her. She went to sleep (it was quite late), but woke up early in the morning, so did I. I told her to listen to that, she was afraid, but she did. She said that I have a beautiful voice, that what I've told her was really, really nice and she wants some time to think about it, but I was pushing and told her, that I want to start having normal talks - by phones, skype etc. After another argue, she said "we will talk...but just not now yet" and after that she told me that "I'd love to be with you already"

But again - quite later she had her very sad moments, talking about stupid things and overreacting and she didn't listen to any reason.

Eh, I do feel that we've made a big step forward. When we will start talking, meeting in person will be a formality. After all that time. Finally.

And by the way, no.

I will not make any step backwards.

I will not prepare myself for a defeat.

I will win this.

 

[Gutted]

I think everyone on here raises good points. In my opinion, I think that you're at the stage where no matter what you do, your fate is sealed. From my experience, every relationship reaches a point where it will go in one direction no matter what happens. It could be good or it could be bad. If a relationship appears to be falling apart, everything you do to try and stop it may slow it down but not prevent it's eventuality. Of course something could change. It's really up to you to decide if you have it in you to keep trying with this Girl. It could all be in vein but you might be majorly unhappy if you don't. I'd have personally given up by now. I like to think that I have good judgment skills so I can see where something is going long before it's reached that point.

 

[Liam]

I don't understand what "give up" means.

 

[soulseeker]

Relationships are a two way lane my friend. You are trying too hard to hold on to something which is not really in your control. Learn to let go.
It will hurt a lot initially, but over time you might meet someone who comes to you naturally.

Learn to derive happiness in stuff which you can control. Forget her and walk away.

---

And next time go for the girl whose saliva you can feel in your mouth. The internet chat relationships are crap.

 

[whispers]

Liam, i wish you success, i do hope you can break that wall she has and be able to live a normal relationship with her. She sounds very scared confused and hurt, and sometimes what we wish for doesnt happen, but i beleive you should at least try. I wish you happiness, and i thhink it is time you find out once and for all if this woman is for you.

 

[Liam]

Relationships are a two way lane my friend. You are trying too hard to hold on to something which is not really in your control. Learn to let go.
It will hurt a lot initially, but over time you might meet someone who comes to you naturally.

Learn to derive happiness in stuff which you can control. Forget her and walk away.

---

And next time go for the girl whose saliva you can feel in your mouth. The internet chat relationships are crap.

---

You forget that we do love each other despite the distance.

 

[Liam]

Bump.

Today, we had a "deaf" video call. All the time, we were only exchanging text messages, but today, we had video call. She was cooking a dinner for her, I was watching TV, were looking at eachother and typing through Skype. Tonight, we're gonna talk through Skype with cameras on. It's a major step in the right direction.

 

[Phaedron]

I know what you mean. I was doing the same thing, out argueing everyone on youtube and drawing conclusions no one could refute. No one fell in love with me for doing it, and my account was destroyed over it, but I gained a lot of subscribers along the way. I guess when the pain and despair have reached their ultimate low, I'll do the super saiyan thing and reach my ultimate high. Be careful that love doesn't weaken you, to where you lose this awesome quality upon which the relationship was built.