marginallymental
Member
- Joined
- Nov 4, 2008
- Messages
- 11
- Reaction score
- 0
Hello, I'm here because God heard my prayer (really) and when I searched, here you all were. I find that strange and beautiful. After reading your profiles, my heart went out to you ALL, and I felt a growing excitement--maybe this was a place where I could hang out? I sure hope so.
I seem to be much older than most of you--45, female, married and wife of a fruit grower, four kids (all beginning to leave home, or already have done), living on a vast, empty Indian reservation after having grown up in the SF Bay Area--a place where lonliness can very easily be veiled behind self-important bustle.
My point is that lonliness, which I've experienced nearly all my life, is a subtle thing, and it becomes even more complex as I age. It doesn't always mean that I am alone. And my relationship TO lonliness has become very murky. I wonder if anybody else feels this way?
I'm lonely almost constantly. Sometimes I'm lonely for myself. This I discovered last year, and it was like a bolt from the blue. It'd never occurred to me before.
Sometimes I indulge fleeting fantasies of--even this late in life!--running away to find that "perfect" relationship, absolutely communal. It fades with time.
My greatest fear is of being abandoned. This is so tied up with loneliness for me that I didn't understand until recently how little I connect to others, how little of myself I give to them. I've never told my husband my deep fear, or really anything so personal it would leave me open to derision or abandonment. Why? Why would I do that to him? I love him!
I'm in the autumn of my life, and I feel fear constrict my chest. I don't fear death so much as lost time. There's no more time to dawdle awaiting some perfection. I want friends, I want to get along with other people, I want authentic connection to my fellows, and I want to serve God by being FEARLESS.
This is very garbled, and isn't at all what I wanted to say.
I seem to be much older than most of you--45, female, married and wife of a fruit grower, four kids (all beginning to leave home, or already have done), living on a vast, empty Indian reservation after having grown up in the SF Bay Area--a place where lonliness can very easily be veiled behind self-important bustle.
My point is that lonliness, which I've experienced nearly all my life, is a subtle thing, and it becomes even more complex as I age. It doesn't always mean that I am alone. And my relationship TO lonliness has become very murky. I wonder if anybody else feels this way?
I'm lonely almost constantly. Sometimes I'm lonely for myself. This I discovered last year, and it was like a bolt from the blue. It'd never occurred to me before.
Sometimes I indulge fleeting fantasies of--even this late in life!--running away to find that "perfect" relationship, absolutely communal. It fades with time.
My greatest fear is of being abandoned. This is so tied up with loneliness for me that I didn't understand until recently how little I connect to others, how little of myself I give to them. I've never told my husband my deep fear, or really anything so personal it would leave me open to derision or abandonment. Why? Why would I do that to him? I love him!
I'm in the autumn of my life, and I feel fear constrict my chest. I don't fear death so much as lost time. There's no more time to dawdle awaiting some perfection. I want friends, I want to get along with other people, I want authentic connection to my fellows, and I want to serve God by being FEARLESS.
This is very garbled, and isn't at all what I wanted to say.
