Jesse
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I didn't post much in my introduction and havn't really told much about myself so here goes.
I may be lucky to be alive. My dad used to beat my mom and while she was pregnant he once punched her in the stomach. I suppose that would be the earliest trauma in my life.
From the ages of 1-4 I lived with my mom and my dad. My dad was 18 when I was born and he was a hard-core drug addict. He cheated on my mom often and beat her in front of me. I still have a very clear and vivid memory of him tying her up with rope and beating her in front of me even though I was 4 or younger.
I was too young to hate my dad or not love him because of his actions. My mom and dad divorced when I was 4. It was a good decision my mom made as my dad has since said that he likely would have killed her eventually. My mom worked and all my dad did was do drugs. While she was at work and when I was a baby, he'd be in charge of me. While an infant, my dad would put me in my baby bed and leave me there until my mom came home. My grandparents would come over often though and change me and feed me.
Another time when i was a toddler, my dad let me go outside by myself as he stayed inside and watched tv. This was in Columbus Ohio which is a large city. I don't remember this, this was told to me, but apparently I walked around the busy streets of columbus until someone found me and told authorities and I was eventually returned home to my mother.
After my mom divorced my dad, she lived with my grandparents for a year. During this time she took me over to her sister's house one day. I must have misbehaved as my mom was going to spank me or something, but my aunt's husband told her he'd take care of it for her. I believe she left me alone with him that day, because I dont know how this could have happened if she was there, but I remember it very clearly. My aunt's husband took me into a room and molested me with himself orally. I remember choking and gagging as he had his way until he...got his rocks off.
That man molested his own children frequently. My cousins would often stay over with my grandparents and they would toss and turn violently in their sleep and say "No daddy, no". I dont think he ever touched me again. He told me then that he'd kill me if I ever told anyone what had happened. I would keep this a secret until i was about 20. (I'm 22 now)
It's not easy to talk about all of this, but I feel like if I do it will help me heal.
At 5 years old my mom remarried. This man moved us to a small country town away from our family and friends. I lived in constant fear and terror of this man. I was forced to be homeschooled as he didnt want me to leave the house. My mom also was not allowed to leave other than to go get groceries. He was more verbally abusive than physically, at least to my mom. He never touched her that I know of. But me, I wasnt really beat by him, but he did often use his belt on me for nothing. For instance, often my mom would make something to eat and I may have been either full or didnt like what was made and didnt want the rest of it. He would sit there and count. Every time he reached a new "100" it counted as another whippin with the belt until I was done with my food. At 5 years old I push mowed the yard which was maybe 3 acres or so on a big hill whether it had rained or not and if i missed a spot I knew the belt was coming.
When i was 8 years old my first half-brother was born. Before he was born, my stepdad decided the foundation around the house needed dug up and re-done. A 4 foot deep ditch needed to be dug all around the house. He made me and my mother dig it up as he "worked all day" and we never did anything so it was our job. He made my mother do this while she was still pregnant with my brother.
The house had two floors. On the upper floor there were two bedrooms. When my brother was born I was kicked out of my room and it was given to my brother. I then had to move all my things to the basement. The basement was unfinished. It had no carpet, only concrete floors. It had no dry-wall, only the 2 by 4's for walls and no finished ceiling, electrical wires hung down everywhere. It got extremely cold in the winter in the basement, cold enough that you could see your breath, however I was never allowed to sleep upstairs as I would be spanked. I did have an electrical base-board heater in my room, but upon discovering that I was using it, my stepdad removed it.
During ages 5-8 my dad picked me up maybe 3 times. I believe every time I was with him I went with him on crack runs in dark, scary neighborhoods. One memory I have is when someone came up to my dads car window. I big scary man looked in the window and looked at me. He must have ripped my dad off as he took off running. My dad got out and took off after him. I waited in the car for my dad to return. I remember a few other people coming up to the car and looking at me. It was very terrifying. Thankfully, eventually my dad did come back. The next couple times I was with him though, he instead dropped me off at his friends house for the weekend while he was off doing drugs. I played with his friends wood burner during my stays there.
Though my mom wasnt allowed to leave the house, my stepdad seemed to hate me and allowed my grandpa to come pick me up every other weekend. I remember grandpa and staying with him. I saw grandpa as my savior, my father figure, my hero, and someone who loved me. The best time of my life was when I was with him.
During my 3rd year of schooling, my grandparents somehow paid for me to go to a private school and I was allowed to live with them for a year. This year was the best year of my life, the happiest of my life. During this year I remember my dad showing up and borrowing money from my grandma "to take me out with". It was for drugs.
Anyway, after that year I had to return to "hell". It was much of the same as before. Terror. My second brother was born when i was 11. When he was still very small, unable to speak yet except for a couple words ( no real understanding of things yet), i remember he was in his high chair with food and orange juice. He accidentally spilled his juice. My stepdad took him from his high chair and turned him over his knee. He spanked him so many times very hard with his hand, i dont remember how many times, but I was counting until i lost count at 27. He kept asking my brother if he was going to spill his juice again. My brother, not understanding, and having a limited vocabulary kept saying "Yes" and screaming, crying, yelling out in pain as I watched unable to help. Every time he said yes he got spanked again. It happened over and over until finally my stepdad through him into the couch and stormed off.
During this time, my mom worked at the post-office part time. She was allowed because my step-dad wanted more money- (she had to give it all to him). On the weekends I would watch over my brothers, changing diapers, cooking, cleaning, while my stepdad got drunk and passed out on the couch. It was a relief when he drank enough to pass out.
At some point my grandpa was diagnosed with lung cancer. I always thought hed get better, I had no idea he was going to be gone forever. Sometime before my 12th birthday he entered into a coma. I remember the night he died. (He died the night before my 12th birthday). He came out of the coma long enough to give everyone there a hug, including me. I gave him a hug and went off to the other room to play playstation. ( i had no idea he was dying).
He died soon after. I believe this was the final blow of dealing me PTSD which I was diagnosed with in february this year. (I was also diagnosed with social phobia, bipolar, severe anxiety and depression, as well as dissociative features.)
The day after he died, on my birthday, I was spanked by my stepfather for crying. My stepdad forced me to "smile" for the video camera he had out.
I endured 4 more years of living with that man until at 16, I was able to escape and live with my aunt and uncle. It was at this time that i went to school rather than homeschool. I finished my schooling there. During my stay with my aunt and uncle, my mom divorced my stepdad and came to live with us. We started going to church where she met Bill. Bill and my mom got married and he also moved in with my aunt, uncle, me, my mom, and my two brothers.
Bill was a great man. I finally had a good father-figure in my life. He taught me things I needed to know and showed me how to be a good person just like my grandpa did. One day while I was at school, my mom came and picked me up early. It was winter time. I had really grown attached to Bill in such a short time. I loved him. My mom picked me up early and informed me that Bill had died the night before in a car accident on his way to work in an ice storm. I was devastated.
Before I turned 18, my mom remarried my previous stepdad. She informed me that I had to move with her back with him. I attempted suicide by overdosing on ibprufen. I took 20, 800 milligram pills. I didnt know this wouldnt kill me. I thought for sure it was the end. Well, based on my actions, my mom allowed me to stay with my aunt and uncle.
While living there, I became addicted to the game World of Warcraft. It was perfect for me to escape reality with. Up to this point I had never touched a girl, never kissed a girl, never hugged a girl, never held hands or anything. I met someone in the game, and fell in love online. We met in real life and I had my first kiss, among other things, though we didnt have intercourse.
I met with her 2 more times and during those times lost my virginity. We were never proper boyfriend/girlfriend as it was a long distance relationship and she didnt want to be labeled with those names. She ended up telling me she didnt want "us" anymore and didnt tell me why. This hurt very badly.
A few months afterwards i went to a party my cousin was having. I met someone there and somehow she seemed to like me and for two months she would come over a couple times a week. (come over to my aunts house). We had intercourse a couple times. One of these times was when my aunt was home and we got caught. I was promptly kicked out of the house and the girl "broke up" with me.
I'm getting tired of typing, so let me sum up. I moved around a bit from relative to relative until I ended up back with my aunt and uncles and that's where I am now. Aside from those two girls I spoke about, ive never had a girlfriend and the only time I've ever been on a date or physically touched a girl was with them. Except for this year on new years. I got incredibly drunk and had a one-night-stand which I regret.
And now I'm here. There are a few other things and details, but those are the main points. Sorry for the length of the post.
-Jesse
I may be lucky to be alive. My dad used to beat my mom and while she was pregnant he once punched her in the stomach. I suppose that would be the earliest trauma in my life.
From the ages of 1-4 I lived with my mom and my dad. My dad was 18 when I was born and he was a hard-core drug addict. He cheated on my mom often and beat her in front of me. I still have a very clear and vivid memory of him tying her up with rope and beating her in front of me even though I was 4 or younger.
I was too young to hate my dad or not love him because of his actions. My mom and dad divorced when I was 4. It was a good decision my mom made as my dad has since said that he likely would have killed her eventually. My mom worked and all my dad did was do drugs. While she was at work and when I was a baby, he'd be in charge of me. While an infant, my dad would put me in my baby bed and leave me there until my mom came home. My grandparents would come over often though and change me and feed me.
Another time when i was a toddler, my dad let me go outside by myself as he stayed inside and watched tv. This was in Columbus Ohio which is a large city. I don't remember this, this was told to me, but apparently I walked around the busy streets of columbus until someone found me and told authorities and I was eventually returned home to my mother.
After my mom divorced my dad, she lived with my grandparents for a year. During this time she took me over to her sister's house one day. I must have misbehaved as my mom was going to spank me or something, but my aunt's husband told her he'd take care of it for her. I believe she left me alone with him that day, because I dont know how this could have happened if she was there, but I remember it very clearly. My aunt's husband took me into a room and molested me with himself orally. I remember choking and gagging as he had his way until he...got his rocks off.
That man molested his own children frequently. My cousins would often stay over with my grandparents and they would toss and turn violently in their sleep and say "No daddy, no". I dont think he ever touched me again. He told me then that he'd kill me if I ever told anyone what had happened. I would keep this a secret until i was about 20. (I'm 22 now)
It's not easy to talk about all of this, but I feel like if I do it will help me heal.
At 5 years old my mom remarried. This man moved us to a small country town away from our family and friends. I lived in constant fear and terror of this man. I was forced to be homeschooled as he didnt want me to leave the house. My mom also was not allowed to leave other than to go get groceries. He was more verbally abusive than physically, at least to my mom. He never touched her that I know of. But me, I wasnt really beat by him, but he did often use his belt on me for nothing. For instance, often my mom would make something to eat and I may have been either full or didnt like what was made and didnt want the rest of it. He would sit there and count. Every time he reached a new "100" it counted as another whippin with the belt until I was done with my food. At 5 years old I push mowed the yard which was maybe 3 acres or so on a big hill whether it had rained or not and if i missed a spot I knew the belt was coming.
When i was 8 years old my first half-brother was born. Before he was born, my stepdad decided the foundation around the house needed dug up and re-done. A 4 foot deep ditch needed to be dug all around the house. He made me and my mother dig it up as he "worked all day" and we never did anything so it was our job. He made my mother do this while she was still pregnant with my brother.
The house had two floors. On the upper floor there were two bedrooms. When my brother was born I was kicked out of my room and it was given to my brother. I then had to move all my things to the basement. The basement was unfinished. It had no carpet, only concrete floors. It had no dry-wall, only the 2 by 4's for walls and no finished ceiling, electrical wires hung down everywhere. It got extremely cold in the winter in the basement, cold enough that you could see your breath, however I was never allowed to sleep upstairs as I would be spanked. I did have an electrical base-board heater in my room, but upon discovering that I was using it, my stepdad removed it.
During ages 5-8 my dad picked me up maybe 3 times. I believe every time I was with him I went with him on crack runs in dark, scary neighborhoods. One memory I have is when someone came up to my dads car window. I big scary man looked in the window and looked at me. He must have ripped my dad off as he took off running. My dad got out and took off after him. I waited in the car for my dad to return. I remember a few other people coming up to the car and looking at me. It was very terrifying. Thankfully, eventually my dad did come back. The next couple times I was with him though, he instead dropped me off at his friends house for the weekend while he was off doing drugs. I played with his friends wood burner during my stays there.
Though my mom wasnt allowed to leave the house, my stepdad seemed to hate me and allowed my grandpa to come pick me up every other weekend. I remember grandpa and staying with him. I saw grandpa as my savior, my father figure, my hero, and someone who loved me. The best time of my life was when I was with him.
During my 3rd year of schooling, my grandparents somehow paid for me to go to a private school and I was allowed to live with them for a year. This year was the best year of my life, the happiest of my life. During this year I remember my dad showing up and borrowing money from my grandma "to take me out with". It was for drugs.
Anyway, after that year I had to return to "hell". It was much of the same as before. Terror. My second brother was born when i was 11. When he was still very small, unable to speak yet except for a couple words ( no real understanding of things yet), i remember he was in his high chair with food and orange juice. He accidentally spilled his juice. My stepdad took him from his high chair and turned him over his knee. He spanked him so many times very hard with his hand, i dont remember how many times, but I was counting until i lost count at 27. He kept asking my brother if he was going to spill his juice again. My brother, not understanding, and having a limited vocabulary kept saying "Yes" and screaming, crying, yelling out in pain as I watched unable to help. Every time he said yes he got spanked again. It happened over and over until finally my stepdad through him into the couch and stormed off.
During this time, my mom worked at the post-office part time. She was allowed because my step-dad wanted more money- (she had to give it all to him). On the weekends I would watch over my brothers, changing diapers, cooking, cleaning, while my stepdad got drunk and passed out on the couch. It was a relief when he drank enough to pass out.
At some point my grandpa was diagnosed with lung cancer. I always thought hed get better, I had no idea he was going to be gone forever. Sometime before my 12th birthday he entered into a coma. I remember the night he died. (He died the night before my 12th birthday). He came out of the coma long enough to give everyone there a hug, including me. I gave him a hug and went off to the other room to play playstation. ( i had no idea he was dying).
He died soon after. I believe this was the final blow of dealing me PTSD which I was diagnosed with in february this year. (I was also diagnosed with social phobia, bipolar, severe anxiety and depression, as well as dissociative features.)
The day after he died, on my birthday, I was spanked by my stepfather for crying. My stepdad forced me to "smile" for the video camera he had out.
I endured 4 more years of living with that man until at 16, I was able to escape and live with my aunt and uncle. It was at this time that i went to school rather than homeschool. I finished my schooling there. During my stay with my aunt and uncle, my mom divorced my stepdad and came to live with us. We started going to church where she met Bill. Bill and my mom got married and he also moved in with my aunt, uncle, me, my mom, and my two brothers.
Bill was a great man. I finally had a good father-figure in my life. He taught me things I needed to know and showed me how to be a good person just like my grandpa did. One day while I was at school, my mom came and picked me up early. It was winter time. I had really grown attached to Bill in such a short time. I loved him. My mom picked me up early and informed me that Bill had died the night before in a car accident on his way to work in an ice storm. I was devastated.
Before I turned 18, my mom remarried my previous stepdad. She informed me that I had to move with her back with him. I attempted suicide by overdosing on ibprufen. I took 20, 800 milligram pills. I didnt know this wouldnt kill me. I thought for sure it was the end. Well, based on my actions, my mom allowed me to stay with my aunt and uncle.
While living there, I became addicted to the game World of Warcraft. It was perfect for me to escape reality with. Up to this point I had never touched a girl, never kissed a girl, never hugged a girl, never held hands or anything. I met someone in the game, and fell in love online. We met in real life and I had my first kiss, among other things, though we didnt have intercourse.
I met with her 2 more times and during those times lost my virginity. We were never proper boyfriend/girlfriend as it was a long distance relationship and she didnt want to be labeled with those names. She ended up telling me she didnt want "us" anymore and didnt tell me why. This hurt very badly.
A few months afterwards i went to a party my cousin was having. I met someone there and somehow she seemed to like me and for two months she would come over a couple times a week. (come over to my aunts house). We had intercourse a couple times. One of these times was when my aunt was home and we got caught. I was promptly kicked out of the house and the girl "broke up" with me.
I'm getting tired of typing, so let me sum up. I moved around a bit from relative to relative until I ended up back with my aunt and uncles and that's where I am now. Aside from those two girls I spoke about, ive never had a girlfriend and the only time I've ever been on a date or physically touched a girl was with them. Except for this year on new years. I got incredibly drunk and had a one-night-stand which I regret.
And now I'm here. There are a few other things and details, but those are the main points. Sorry for the length of the post.
-Jesse
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