Ok...what in the world is going on with this guy?

[angel_in_view]

Hi. I haven't posted in a while, but thought i'd come here to see if anyone else as gone through this.

For the past couple of months, I have been trying to help my friend, but honestly I just don't know what else to tell her. She met someone about 5 months ago. She was so excited because she came out of a nasty break-up back in May and she really didn't think she'd seriously date again. After dating eachother for 3 wks, he all of a sudden told her he wanted to stop having sex for a while. She thought he was joking @ first, but then quickly realized he meant it. When she asked why, he explained that he really likes her and wants to really get himself together so he can be 100% ready for a long term relationship w/her. She asked him what that meant and he went on to tell her that he's made a lot of choices in life that weren't the greatest, but being w/her has made him realize that its time for him to grow up and get serious about being a man and having a real relationship instead of just being out there "chasing tail" w/o thinking of the consequences. He was honest on their 2nd date & told her he's been married once and has 5 kids w/5 different women(2 are grown the other 3 are in middle school). Although she really doesn't want to date a man w/kids, she said its almost impossible to find a childless man these days, so she was willing to give him a chance.

After they'd been dating for a month, he moved (they lived in the same city) 4 hrs away for a better job. He is currently staying w/family. My friend knew he was looking for a job out of town, but she was still a little shocked that he actually got one and left so fast. Things have just gone downhill from there. Since he left in Oct, they've talked daily on the phone, but she's only physically seen him 1 time and that was for about 3 hrs when he came in town for a Christmas play that one of his kids was in. She is @ her wits end w/him & is pretty much ready to start seeing other people. She's very angry w/him. She feels like he tricked her w/the whole "no sex" thing. She's been faithful & isn't interested in anyone else. She said if she would've known he was gonna get that job out of town, she would have never agreed to this. Plus, she's irritated w/him because he isn't putting much effort into trying to see her. She has made the trip up there 4 times for work reasons and has carved out extra time to see him. Each time, he was working & couldn't get off. He knows she is frustrated and he tells her he is as well, but there's nothing he can do about it right now. Once things slow down w/his job, he'll have more free time. She on other hand is angry because she feels he should be doing whatever he can to try and see her. She found out in January that he had a weekend off and didn't tell her(until after the fact). She was hurt bc he didn't try to spend any of it w/her. So she feels as if she's not even a factor in his mind anymore.

As I said in the beginning, I've been trying to help her. I've told her that I can only speculate and while I will always give her my support, she needs to have a heart to heart talk w/him and just find out what the deal is. Some friends think he's cheating. I honestly don't know WHAT to think. She said he just isn't talking about the situation much at all. He has voiced that he misses her and he hates that his work keeps him so busy, but he just can't do anything about it right now. By what she tells me, he acts like he wants a relationship on the phone, but then his actions otherwise just don't portray the same thing. Frankly, she said she's tired of having this "phone romance" and while she loves him, she needs more.

Has anyone else gone through this? If so, how did you work it out? Or...did it NOT work out? -- Thanks in advance.

 

[The Underdog]

I guess you really can't please women these days. Go figure.

 

[EveWasFramed]

I guess you really can't please women these days. Go figure.

You can lay off the stereotyping and misogynistic remarks.

 

[Peaches]

ehm, I mean, let's look at the facts:

how crazy about you one must be to ask you to stop having sex for a while? *After* you already had sex?
That would make sense in the beginning of the relationship, so that he can avoid having the 6th kid with a 6th woman (by the way, how common is that? Sure, there are many men with child who are great, but 5 kids with 5 different women mostly out of wedlock for sure shows commitment... to not using a condom!).
And: one date in 5 months? This guy must be really great on the phone... And why is she being faithful? Did he say that they are "going steady"? And, forgive me, this guy's idea of a "real relationship" is to stop having sex and moving to another town?

I wish I had the wit of Greg Berhendt, the author of the book "He is just not that into you" to comment on the situation, because the phone boyfriend with wild reproductive powers who doesn't want to have sex would make a very funny chapter.

More seriously, from what you write, the only thing your friend should be asking herself now is is NOT what is going on with this guy but rather WHY is she wasting time with this loser who doesn't want to see her, doesn't want to have sex with her, and probably enjoys the attention as long as it is limited to some phone calls.
You write that "She on other hand is angry because she feels he should be doing whatever he can to try and see her" you can't be angry if a pig doesn't fly or a dog can't climb a ladder. People do only what they do, and what they do often shows how they feel about you. What might be slightly depressing is that he takes time to tell her over the phone that he misses her but doesn't act upon it, and the huge discrepancy between words and facts should already make her suspect a con.
If she, in spite of the huge signs and red flags, is still in doubt of missing out a great catch, the only thing to do is to stop moving, stop going there and not have sex, make him do some of the work. My guess is that she won't hear from that guy again.

And actually I believe that is a really good thing.

I wish your friend to overcome this moment of temporary insanity (it happens to the best of us) and find a decent guy with a more limited amount of ex women and offspring who will see her, spend time with her to know her, have great sex with her and never ever say "Sorry I can't, I have to work -ooops, I had the weekend off and didn't notice".

 

[SofiasMami]

Can I be blunt here? Ok, thanks
You can help your friend by telling her to dump this half-assed "boyfriend". Why should she wait around to see what he wants to do? Tell her to get in the driver's seat and look for a guy that will do anything to spend his free weekends with her. Because that's what men who love their girlfriends do.
Busy is another word for assh#le and assh#le is another word for her boyfriend.
Have I mentioned I love the book He's Just Not That Into You？ Buy it for your friend for Valentine's Day!

-Teresa

---

ehm, I mean, let's look at the facts:

how crazy about you one must be to ask you to stop having sex for a while? *After* you already had sex?
That would make sense in the beginning of the relationship, so that he can avoid having the 6th kid with a 6th woman (by the way, how common is that? Sure, there are many men with child who are great, but 5 kids with 5 different women for sure shows commitment... to not using a condom!).
And: one date in 5 months? This guy must be really great on the phone... And why is she being faithful? Did he say that they are "going steady"?

I wish I had the wit of Greg Berhendt, the author of the book "He is just not that into you" to comment on the situation, because the phone boyfriend with wild reproductive powers who doesn't want to have sex would make a very funny chapter.

More seriously, from what you write, the only thing your friend should be asking herself now is is NOT what is going on with this guy but rather why is she wasting time with this loser who doesn't want to see her, doesn't want to have sex with her, and probably enjoys the attention as long as it is limited to some phone calls.
If she in spite of the huge signs and red flags is still in doubt of missing out a great catch, the only thing to do is to stop moving, stop going there and not have sex, make him do some of the work. My guess is that she won't hear from that guy again.

And actually I believe that is a really good thing.

I wish your friend to find a decent guy with a more limited amount of ex women and offspring who will see her, spend time with her to know her, have great sex with her and never ever say "Sorry I can't, I have to work -ooops, I had the weekend off and didn't notice".

Two votes for the same book. Great minds think alike!

-Teresa

 

[Peaches]

Can I be blunt here? Ok, thanks
You can help your friend by telling her to dump this half-assed "boyfriend". Why should she wait around to see what he wants to do? T


Two votes for the same book. Great minds think alike!

-Teresa

The more the better! That book is genius beyond words, I gained so much free time after reading it! Did I mention that my stomach troubles disappeared?

 

[SofiasMami]

Can I be blunt here? Ok, thanks
You can help your friend by telling her to dump this half-assed "boyfriend". Why should she wait around to see what he wants to do? T


Two votes for the same book. Great minds think alike!

-Teresa

The more the better! That book is genius beyond words, I gained so much free time after reading it! Did I mention that my stomach troubles disappeared?

It should be required reading for every woman over 18

-Teresa

 

[Case]

He was honest on their 2nd date & told her he's been married once and has 5 kids w/5 different women(2 are grown the other 3 are in middle school).

This is all you had to say for me to think he was not a prime candidate for a long-term commitment. She needs to dump the fair-weather, "phone-only" boyfriend and date someone real who will actually be honest about himself with her.

she said its almost impossible to find a childless man these days

I find it equally impossible to find a childless woman out there. Although I don't avoid dating women with a child, I married one once, and it was a bad experience. One that I could probably write a book about.

 

[angel_in_view]

Thanks guys & gals for your replies. I too think she should move on. When she started telling me all of this stuff, I was just flabbergasted @ the amount of red flags that were flashing in front of me...and I thought they would have flashed in front of HER! She ended up getting mad @ me the other day bc I told her I just didn't understand. She asked what I meant and I told her plainly that I didn't understand why such a smart, otherwise in tune person like herself wouldn't have already shut this mess down! In my opinion, he clearly doesn't seem all that interested in having a relationship. I don't know what happened..don't know if she said something he didn't like, didn't perform to "his standards" in bed or what. But clearly, there was/is something that made him do a 180 like that. I don't mean for this to sound mean...but HELLO...what single man doesn't want to have sex?!? I'm sure there are some(bc of religion, etc), but that just sounds strange to me, otherwise. I went on to tell her I understand that whole thing about it being hard to find a dude w/o any children these days, bc I have male friends who have had the exact same problem when it came to women. However, I told her she was a good one, bc he may be a nice guy but....5 kids w/5 different women? Umm....no, thanks. I understand someone could have certain situations going on(like having those kids before a divorce or being a widow/widower), but once she found out that 4 of the 5 were out of wedlock, she should have cut it off right then and there. To me, that just shows he was sexually irresponsible and I would think chances of having a long lasting relationship w/him are slim to none. After all, he didn't think enough about those 4 to even marry them.

Well, she didn't like what I said to her. She snapped on me & said that I didn't understand bc I have "found my special person" and never had to go through any of that stuff. I snapped back and told her that I would think she'd want to get advice from a happily married person, but apparently not. So we agreed to disagree and she's gonna hang on & see what this guy is gonna do. Its just downright sad, but I feel like I'm done trying to give advice. I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. It just makes me so mad that she can't see what's right in front of her! :club:

 

[jaguarundi]

She was so excited because she came out of a nasty break-up back in May and she really didn't think she'd seriously date again

This might be the crux of her problem, I think. Using a new 'relationship' (not that this one sounds in any way like a relationship!) to get over the old one. And 'losing' him just triggered loads of abandonment and loss issues...

She probably had built all kinds of castles - palaces even - in the air about this guy, where she turns him from a sexually irresponsible ****-wit into the steady, responsible love of her life. None of this built on the reality of him (soo many kids, soo many women). But disappointed expectations can be worse than anything, and she clearly isn't ready to relinquish her unrealistic fantasies. It's a pity he didn't just dump her outright - then she might start to let go.

You are going to have to be very patient with her - even when she is totally getting on your nerves with her obsessing over and over again about all of this - because I don't think anything you can say is going to change her mind on this one for a while!

(and yes, I confess - I was in a sort of similar place to her once upon a time, in an enchanted land, long long ago)

 

[The Underdog]

Eh, I'm taking the glass-house-throw-stones approach to this. Might wanna follow suit, forum.

 

[SofiasMami]

Eh, I'm taking the glass-house-throw-stones approach to this. Might wanna follow suit, forum.

lol, nah, I speak from experience woman-to-woman not from a glass house with rocks. This lady asked for advice and we answered. I don't feel the need to keep quiet about this topic. When we women stopping accepting men who literally phone in their relationships, things will change.


-Teresa

 

[The Underdog]

lol, nah, I speak from experience woman-to-woman not from a glass house with rocks. This lady asked for advice and we answered. I don't feel the need to keep quiet about this topic. When we women stopping accepting men who literally phone in their relationships, things will change.


-Teresa

Oh.

 

[Mephii]

I don't know... This guy you've been describing sounds like a guy who wasn't single to begin with. I get the feeling that he's married/in a relationship with one/all of his childrens mother(s).

Theres really no reason to stop sexual contact if it had already been established unless he's awaiting an S.T.D result or his (possible) wife/girlfriend is beginning to suspect something.

 

[jaguarundi]

Theres really no reason to stop sexual contact if it had already been established unless he's awaiting an S.T.D result or his (possible) wife/girlfriend is beginning to suspect something.

writes Mephii

Something tells me this bloke wouldn't stop sexual contact for any reason if he could get away with having it, so yes, maybe he is concentrating on another woman. Possibly in the process of making baby number 6? Definitely a candidate for Jeremy Kyle I reckon (apologies to non-UK forum-ers who can find JK on Wikipedia)

 

[Mephii]

Something tells me this bloke wouldn't stop sexual contact for any reason if he could get away with having it, so yes, maybe he is concentrating on another woman. Possibly in the process of making baby number 6? Definitely a candidate for Jeremy Kyle I reckon (apologies to non-UK forum-ers who can find JK on Wikipedia)

I'm glad you're promoting the education of the teachings of big Jezza K! ^_^

 

[jaguarundi]

Mephii wrote:

I'm glad you're promoting the education of the teachings of big Jezza K!

It is my secret and undying sin that I watch his TV program... I cannot confess this terrible secret to anyone I know .. Oh the shame, the shame..

 

[angel_in_view]

Something tells me this bloke wouldn't stop sexual contact for any reason if he could get away with having it, so yes, maybe he is concentrating on another woman. Possibly in the process of making baby number 6? Definitely a candidate for Jeremy Kyle I reckon (apologies to non-UK forum-ers who can find JK on Wikipedia)

Jeremy Kyle! I'm ashamed (well not really) that I know about him and his show! It was on here in our area for about a year, then they took it off. It came on the same channel as all of those similar type shows(springer, steve wilkos, cheaters, etc). I actually enjoyed JK bc he was very animated w/the guests. I also loved Dr. Janet! Both of them together was something else. They did NOT play! I was sorry they took him off. No warning...just one day was gone.