Online dating - just a carousel of people you meet - still back at square one

[GrayAndLonesome]

I have been using online dating, paid membership since November of last year. I have been using match.com and Zoosk. Zoosk was a waste of money, because you have to pay for extra coins to see if another member viewed your message. Out of Zoosk, I only got ONE freaking face-to-face date meetup. That date with the girl went for two meet ups, first one for coffee and dinner, and second meet up was at her house where she prepared me lunch. After that she "ghosted" on me, where she never bothered to respond to my text messages.

Match.com was much better. however, none of my date meet-ups led to any relationship. NONE. Hence, I'm back at square one, feeling lonely, and even more depressed after doing online dating.

With Match.com, I was able to change online message conversations, and meet with EIGHT different girls. This was from the time period of beginning of November through the week of Feb 5-11th. I think that's an okay number. However, NONE of those face-to-face meetup or dates led to anything serious. In fact, the girls I usually met on match.com usually met with me once for coffee, and I either didn't like her (body size, more fat than what her photo showed), she didn't like me (she thought I was Chinese, when I told her that I'm mixed Jap/ Korean) because of my ethnicity, or she had no interest in me, and we slowly "ghosted" each other out of our lives.

I even met with one girl, she's vietnamese, during the week of Feb 6-10th. I was lucky to have a face-to-face date with her over dinner. That was the last time I saw her. I tried to make the first move on our first date by walking side to side with her, and placed my arms around her shoulder. That, which I didn't know, was a big turn off for her. Kind of hard, with all these different cultural expecations.
After that meet up, we agreed that we can just be "friends" but she will not pursue a romantic relationship with me.

Just today, I completely cancelled BOTH of my online dating membership. I couldn't care less if I still had one more month remaining for match.com.

I feel that online dating was a waste of my time and money. It's not just the membership fee that I've wasted. No, I felt that I spent that money for a decent experience of meeting up with various girls.

What pisses me off is that none of the meet ups led to any serious relationship. On Valentine's Day of this year, I felt like ****. Seriously.

I also wasted my time to drive 20-40 miles to meet with these girls, and also on average $30-$55 for lunch or dinners.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Ugh. You're picky and have high and/or unreasonable expectations and blame your failure to keep a woman interested past date number two on your race. If you act and say in person, the crap you spout here, then the answer to your problem is obvious.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I also wasted my time to drive 20-40 miles to meet with these girls, and also on average $30-$55 for lunch or dinners.

Not for nothing, but 30 bucks for lunch is on the cheaper side. If they're such a waste of time, you don't have to do it. You choose to meet up with them in the hopes of getting something out of it. Perhaps you should stop expecting and just have a nice day out with someone.

 

[ABrokenMan]

At least you are getting the opportunity to go on dates.
I doubt if I'll ever get a positive reply on the couple of dating sites I joined, let alone something good coming out of a meet-up, but I keep trying. Because, if you don't keep trying, you severely restrict yourself to any relationship potential. My last date was two years ago. And I'm still friends with her. She's a great person; just because we didn't hit it off shouldn't mean a total discard. She's one of the few people in my life who can literally put a smile on my face after the roughest of days.

As an older member of the forum, I read the countless posts and diatribes from frustrated guys who either can't get past a couple of dates, or even attempt to put themselves out there because of some grand illusory concept, and I ponder:

How would these guys respond/react if they were to become involved with someone, where everything appeared to be too good to be true, and therefore the romantic relationship was terminated by the woman / girl? Especially if the guy puts her on his own pedestal, believing she is "the one"? I think most of you guys would never be able to cope.
You'd curl up into a ball and chant "woe is me" in perpetuity. You think things are difficult now, with loneliness and being a spectator to other coupled individuals? Just wait til half your life has gone by and you still find yourself "single" but do not wish to be.

My core belief that I put forward now is personal responsibility. You only have one life. Your own. Stop complaining and channel your energy - keep moving forward. Enjoy the meetups that you are fortunate enough to make, and let them happen naturally with ZERO expectations on your part. If you dial back the judgemental meter/dial, I think you'll actually find hanging out with a girl / woman you just met to be a lot of fun and a learning experience.

 

[GrayAndLonesome]

Ugh. You're picky and have high and/or unreasonable expectations and blame your failure to keep a woman interested past date number two on your race. If you act and say in person, the crap you spout here, then the answer to your problem is obvious.

No, I blame my race and *** when it comes to women responding to my messages on dating websites. It's sad truth here in the US, which you and Callie fail to understand. I know you're trying to induce "positive thinking" into me. But after countless numbers, thousands of emails and personal messages sent to women with no response, even from my fellow Asian women (some who sadly prefer to sellout), I am having negative thoughts about dating. But no, I will not give up.

I DO NOT say or state any of the stuff I say here to my dates. However, I did mention unfair dating for Asian men to my Korean female friend, which she can definitely understand. Unfortunately, she's just a friend to me, and I don't think I will see her romantically.

---

At least you are getting the opportunity to go on dates.
I doubt if I'll ever get a positive reply on the couple of dating sites I joined, let alone something good coming out of a meet-up, but I keep trying. Because, if you don't keep trying, you severely restrict yourself to any relationship potential. My last date was two years ago.  And I'm still friends with her.  She's a great person; just because we didn't hit it off shouldn't mean a total discard.  She's one of the few people in my life who can literally put a smile on my face after the roughest of days.

As an older member of the forum, I read the countless posts and diatribes from frustrated guys who either can't get past a couple of dates, or even attempt to put themselves out there because of some grand illusory concept, and I ponder:

How would these guys respond/react if they were to become involved with someone, where everything appeared to be too good to be true, and therefore the romantic relationship was terminated by the woman / girl?  Especially if the guy puts her on his own pedestal, believing she is "the one"? I think most of you guys would never be able to cope.
You'd curl up into a ball and chant "woe is me" in perpetuity. You think things are difficult now, with loneliness and being a spectator to other coupled individuals? Just wait til half your life has gone by and you still find yourself "single" but do not wish to be.

My core belief that I put forward now is personal responsibility.  You only have one life. Your own. Stop complaining and channel your energy - keep moving forward. Enjoy the meetups that you are fortunate enough to make, and let them happen naturally with ZERO expectations on your part. If you dial back the judgemental meter/dial, I think you'll actually find hanging out with a girl / woman you just met to be a lot of fun and a learning experience.

Well, yeah. I did state that I was surprised that although the majority of my personal messages were ignored, some were responded to which led to personal email conversation, which then led to exchanging phone numbers, and then a face-to-face coffee shop meet up or a lunch meet up.

So yes, I was "somewhat" happy with the success that I had. The reason is because my homestate where I'm from has more people from my racial and ethnic background, yet, I got close to jack **** responses from the women there.

Anyhow, you ask how would some of us guys respond if we were in a rosy relationship, and if the girl was to break up the relationship with us guys?
I would rather be in a short-term ROMANTIC (not platonic) relationship and have the girl break up with me, rather than not have a relationship with a girl at all! At least I can place that on my "romance resume" LOL!

Dude, I have regular female friends that I some times hang out with. I say sometimes, because of my busy work schedule - I work night shifts, and my female friends are in college or work regular hours during the day time. I don't need more female friends. **** that. I want a real romantic girlfriend whom I can tell others that "she's mine." Not some platonic ******** girlfriend who only eats lunch or dinner with me and give a ******-*** peck kiss on my lips when we part ways.

 

[GrayAndLonesome]

Not for nothing, but 30 bucks for lunch is on the cheaper side. If they're such a waste of time, you don't have to do it. You choose to meet up with them in the hopes of getting something out of it. Perhaps you should stop expecting and just have a nice day out with someone.

^^ Listen, VanillaCreme. When you ADD UP all the dates and meet-ups I have been on, the lunch and dinners come out to be around $600.00. That adds MORE money to my regular monthly credit card bills that I have been paying prior to starting online dating.

Yeah, I don't have to do online dating....but I want to. I want to find that special significant other. I hope to find my special girl some time this year.

I do enjoy the meet up dates with some of the girls whom respond to my message and which eventually leads up to a face-to-face date.

However, some of them are rude and "ghost" out on me. In other words, they slowly reduce their frequency of sending me text messages, and a month later, those girls don't even respond to my text messages at all!

When I have time, I'm going to post a thread on one of the girls whom I met on match.com, who said that she will buy me llunch or dinner for my birthday, which was in January. When I texted this girl for time for dinner this coming weekend, she never even bothered to respond. I'm going to send her a message via Facebook, as I added her as a "friend" to my FB account.

 

[ABrokenMan]

You're never gonna find a romantic relationship if you whine and complain on and on that you want one, that you deserve one, and you have enough female friends.

Let this sink in - there is NOT someone for everybody. Despite what you have heard, been taught, etc.
Many platitudes expressed are nothing more than observations of wishful thinking.

There are going to be people in life who never find a partner, short term, long term, 5 minutes. I've met several who have never had a partner (I was in a support group for people who experience relationship issues). The group helped a little, but the only way to start to help myself was CHANGING MY WAY OF THINKING. This is why I firmly believe you "never kissed a girl" class of guys on A.L.L. would become totally destroyed if you find yourself in a relationship for a week, month, year and the girl either does something to ruin it, or decides to end it on her own terms, leaving you hanging. for some, never having loved at all is a far better fate to have loved and lost. Just reading these threads sorta illustrates this point.

Nobody owes anyone a relationship. This is how your posts come across when I read them, that you somehow deserve to be in one. You've gotta ditch that attitude, *dude* and do something positive. Maybe just forget about it? Change your job? Move? If a relationship is that important to you, changes need to be made, without excuses.

A lot of guys on ALL are the same. I, too fell into the perpetual feel sorry for myself, the angry "Why not me? I'm a good guy" belief. But all of that gets you and me nowhere. No girl / woman is gonna fall into your lap, or spot you from afar with sights set on you.

I'm still looking but I also know that my options are limited. So there are no expectations. I have some female friends, most are of recent connections. Many times, they are a lot more fun to hang out with than guys, whether or not they kiss you. And, if she becomes a good friend, she will tell you honestly what you can do to improve your potential for finding a relationship.

 

[michael2]

You are in your 30s and single. That says alot right there. Not necessarily negative things either. See many people find someone in their 20s without ever looking. For those of us who made it into our 30s without finding someone it means there is something girls do not like about you thats keeping them away. You mentioned you are half Korean / half Japanese. I can completely sympathize with you that this is probably a big part of your problem. I am half black / half Greek. I live in a 95% white area. I look like Abhishek Bachchan. All the girls who ever showed interest in me where from out of state, from a big city, where seeing people who looked like me was a normal part of life.

Im not saying the way we look like is 100% the reason why we are single, Im just saying it does play a big part in it. Things are going to be tougher for me and you. We have to understand that and accept it. You seem to be upset that finding a long term relationship seems easier for others, but difficult for you. This is true. It is more difficult for us. But try and not let this frustrate you. Seeing that you are mixed like me makes things worse, because people like to group and generalize others, and when you have people like me and you who dont look like a particular race, it just turns alot of people off because they dont know what to make of us.

Also, you want a long term relationship and marriage. Do these girls that you go out on dates with feel the same way? Do they know beforehand thats what you want? Maybe most of them just want some fun, and arent as intent on settling down as you are. Maybe you you can make this more clear in your profile, perhaps? I dont have all the details, Im just trying to help.

 

[EveWasFramed]

"(02-20-2017, 05:26 PM)EveWasFramed Wrote:
Ugh. You're picky and have high and/or unreasonable expectations and blame your failure to keep a woman interested past date number two on your race. If you act and say in person, the crap you spout here, then the answer to your problem is obvious.

No, I blame my race and *** when it comes to women responding to my messages on dating websites. It's sad truth here in the US, which you and Callie fail to understand. I know you're trying to induce "positive thinking" into me. But after countless numbers, thousands of emails and personal messages sent to women with no response, even from my fellow Asian women (some who sadly prefer to sellout), I am having negative thoughts about dating. But no, I will not give up. "

I'm not trying g to "induce" anything into you. And calling Asian women "sellouts" because they have their own preference is ABSURD and unfair. Everyone is allowed their own preferences - you've certainly been vocal about your own.
You've had women who met you in person, based on your pictures and they knew your race in advance. If your pictures accurately represented you, then it's NOT your race/looks that are making them want to ghost you. Until you stop obsessing over your ethnicity, you're going to find yourself in this same boat for the rest of your days. You see yourself as being a certain way...others are apparently not seeing you the way you see yourself. You should think about that.

 

[Restless soul]

Hi eve

 

[EveWasFramed]

Hi eve

Hey there.

 

[NillaWiggs]

I can't speak for all individuals, but I've noticed in my dating life that it's very one-sided. At least it is here in the states. I'm sure I'm just picking my women poorly though.

---

Why is the font so large all of a sudden?

 

[ardour]

You're never gonna find a romantic relationship if you whine and complain on and on that you want one, that you deserve one, and you have enough female friends.

Let this sink in - there is NOT someone for everybody. Despite what you have heard, been taught, etc.
Many platitudes expressed are nothing more than observations of wishful thinking.

There are going to be people in life who never find a partner, short term, long term, 5 minutes.    I've met several who have never had a partner (I was in a support group for people who experience relationship issues).

So just out of interest how many of these people were women?

It's true, "there is someone for everyone" is a load of tosh. No individual owes another their affections either, but given that this is a near universal life experience, I don't think feeling bitter about never being given a chance necessarily points to some huge character floor in need of attention. Intelligent, likeable enough, mature people seem to miss out as well (not saying that's me, I have plenty of problems...)

 

[NillaWiggs]

You're never gonna find a romantic relationship if you whine and complain on and on that you want one, that you deserve one, and you have enough female friends.

Let this sink in - there is NOT someone for everybody. Despite what you have heard, been taught, etc.
Many platitudes expressed are nothing more than observations of wishful thinking.

There are going to be people in life who never find a partner, short term, long term, 5 minutes.    I've met several who have never had a partner (I was in a support group for people who experience relationship issues).

So just out of interest how many of these people were women?

It's true, "there is someone for everyone" is a load of tosh. No individual owes another their affections either, but given that this is a near universal life experience, I don't think feeling bitter about never being given a chance necessarily points to some huge character floor in need of attention. Intelligent, likeable enough, mature people seem to miss out as well (not saying that's me, I have plenty of problems...)

I couldn't help but notice that "attractive" wasn't on that list. 

 

[TheRealCallie]

There IS someone out there for everyone. Whether you meet them or not in your lifetime is another matter. You can't honestly believe that there isn't at least one person that you would mesh well with out of the 7-8 BILLION people on this planet, can you?

I think it likely has more to do with standards and expectations and excuses. No, I'm not saying you shouldn't have standards, but some people have standards that even the most wonderful person on the planet couldn't stand up to. And regardless of whether or not you say these things to the women you meet, chances are, it shows.

 

[ardour]

There IS someone out there for everyone.  Whether you meet them or not in your lifetime is another matter.  You can't honestly believe that there isn't at least one person that you would mesh well with out of the 7-8 BILLION people on this planet, can you?

Excluding those with would partner up with just about any man living in the west because they need a way out of poverty, plus those who rock bottom self-esteem and/or diagnosable personality/mental disorders? Yep I could quite easily believe that.

 

[SofiasMami]

There IS someone out there for everyone.  Whether you meet them or not in your lifetime is another matter.  You can't honestly believe that there isn't at least one person that you would mesh well with out of the 7-8 BILLION people on this planet, can you?

Excluding those with would partner up with just about any man living in the  west because they need a way out of poverty, plus those who rock bottom self-esteem and/or diagnosable personality/mental disorders? Yep I could quite easily believe that.

Not to mention that there are 2 BILLION children on this planet lol. But why let the facts get in the way of a good story?

 

[AmytheTemperamental]

Well, if you can't find love, at least you'll find pity somewhere.

 

[TheRealCallie]

There IS someone out there for everyone.  Whether you meet them or not in your lifetime is another matter.  You can't honestly believe that there isn't at least one person that you would mesh well with out of the 7-8 BILLION people on this planet, can you?

Excluding those with would partner up with just about any man living in the  west because they need a way out of poverty, plus those who rock bottom self-esteem and/or diagnosable personality/mental disorders? Yep I could quite easily believe that.

So you wouldn't date someone who had a diagnosed personality/mental disorder?  Or one that has low self esteem? 

Also, in regards to the other post....last I checked, children tend to grow up.  

 

[SofiasMami]

There IS someone out there for everyone.  Whether you meet them or not in your lifetime is another matter.  You can't honestly believe that there isn't at least one person that you would mesh well with out of the 7-8 BILLION people on this planet, can you?

Excluding those with would partner up with just about any man living in the  west because they need a way out of poverty, plus those who rock bottom self-esteem and/or diagnosable personality/mental disorders? Yep I could quite easily believe that.

So you wouldn't date someone who had a diagnosed personality/mental disorder?  Or one that has low self esteem? 

Also, in regards to the other post....last I checked, children tend to grow up.  

lol you're joking, right? No, I would not.