I don't know if anyone can help me with this. I feel guilty even writing about it. I have
a friend who is almost 70 and she has several health problems, including diabetes, angina
etc She had a fall recently and has inflamed nerve endings, so she can walk slowly, but
has some discomfort. I want to help her as far as I am able to, but the problem is that
she thinks I am not doing enough, so I am feeling guilty and resentful all the time because
of this.She lives several miles away and I don't have a great deal of money,
so I have to take the bus fare into account. Financially and emotionally I can only handle
going to visit her once every two weeks. She wants me there more often and every time I
phone her (two or three times a week) she asks if I am going the next day or in two or
three days, even though we have arranged the next visit the last time I saw her. Her
constant asking when I am going again makes me feel so pressurised and this isthe main
reason I am feeling so guilty, stressed and resentful. She is also critical of
her neighbours, who have offered to do her shopping. One goes to a supermarket she doesn't
like, and the other
told her to phone if she wanted anything from the shops, which my friend interpreted to
mean that the neighbour doesn't really want to do it. I also offered, but owing to
physical problems I could only go to her local supermarket, which she says is too expensive,
though in reality she could afford it, as she gets a good pension. She is critical of her
church, saying it is unsupportive, though as I said to her, if she wants a pastoral visit,
she would have to call them
to arrange it. (I go to a support group there and this is what we were told, if we wanted
extra help.)
I have told her to phone at any time, but she never does. I always call her.
The other week I visted her on
The FRiday and said to her tocall at the weekend if she needed to talk, but she didn't. So
I called her a day later and she shouted at me that noone had phoned all weekend. It's asif
she wants to feel badly done to all the time.
Neither of us have any family, so I do feel a greater degree of responsibilty towards her
than I would towards a friend who had family. At the same time, I have to deal with my
own life and my own problems. I know that on this site a recurring theme is that we all
have to take responsibilty for our lives and to solve our own loneliness and I am trying to
do this by going out more and meeting as many people as possible. If I gave up my social
activites (which are not numerous) I would have the money to see my friend every week,but
I really dont want to give up the life I am trying to make. I am scared, because I can
feel it possibly slipping away from me. I have been a carer and although I am lonely now,
I was lonelier as a carer.
I feel that my friend doesn't want to take on the
responsibilty for herself, but wants me and others to do it for her. Then again, at 70
is it reasonable to expect her to take any responsibilty for herselfand for her life? (She
is fine mentally, and just has physical problems.) I sometimes think that
if I am still alone when I am old, I will go to a day centre, so that I am meeting people,
and I will get a sheltered flat, for the support. That way, I won't have to overload anyone
with requests for constant visits. I
think that in future, even when my friend gets over this fall, these problems will reoccur
and I honestly don't know if I will be able to cope at all with her then. I feel like the
worst person in the world
for saying that part of me thinks I might just cut and run if it comes to it. I am sorry
to have gone on for so long, but this is getting to me a lot.
a friend who is almost 70 and she has several health problems, including diabetes, angina
etc She had a fall recently and has inflamed nerve endings, so she can walk slowly, but
has some discomfort. I want to help her as far as I am able to, but the problem is that
she thinks I am not doing enough, so I am feeling guilty and resentful all the time because
of this.She lives several miles away and I don't have a great deal of money,
so I have to take the bus fare into account. Financially and emotionally I can only handle
going to visit her once every two weeks. She wants me there more often and every time I
phone her (two or three times a week) she asks if I am going the next day or in two or
three days, even though we have arranged the next visit the last time I saw her. Her
constant asking when I am going again makes me feel so pressurised and this isthe main
reason I am feeling so guilty, stressed and resentful. She is also critical of
her neighbours, who have offered to do her shopping. One goes to a supermarket she doesn't
like, and the other
told her to phone if she wanted anything from the shops, which my friend interpreted to
mean that the neighbour doesn't really want to do it. I also offered, but owing to
physical problems I could only go to her local supermarket, which she says is too expensive,
though in reality she could afford it, as she gets a good pension. She is critical of her
church, saying it is unsupportive, though as I said to her, if she wants a pastoral visit,
she would have to call them
to arrange it. (I go to a support group there and this is what we were told, if we wanted
extra help.)
I have told her to phone at any time, but she never does. I always call her.
The other week I visted her on
The FRiday and said to her tocall at the weekend if she needed to talk, but she didn't. So
I called her a day later and she shouted at me that noone had phoned all weekend. It's asif
she wants to feel badly done to all the time.
Neither of us have any family, so I do feel a greater degree of responsibilty towards her
than I would towards a friend who had family. At the same time, I have to deal with my
own life and my own problems. I know that on this site a recurring theme is that we all
have to take responsibilty for our lives and to solve our own loneliness and I am trying to
do this by going out more and meeting as many people as possible. If I gave up my social
activites (which are not numerous) I would have the money to see my friend every week,but
I really dont want to give up the life I am trying to make. I am scared, because I can
feel it possibly slipping away from me. I have been a carer and although I am lonely now,
I was lonelier as a carer.
I feel that my friend doesn't want to take on the
responsibilty for herself, but wants me and others to do it for her. Then again, at 70
is it reasonable to expect her to take any responsibilty for herselfand for her life? (She
is fine mentally, and just has physical problems.) I sometimes think that
if I am still alone when I am old, I will go to a day centre, so that I am meeting people,
and I will get a sheltered flat, for the support. That way, I won't have to overload anyone
with requests for constant visits. I
think that in future, even when my friend gets over this fall, these problems will reoccur
and I honestly don't know if I will be able to cope at all with her then. I feel like the
worst person in the world
for saying that part of me thinks I might just cut and run if it comes to it. I am sorry
to have gone on for so long, but this is getting to me a lot.
