cryingcloud
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- Joined
- May 21, 2011
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In my last post, I wrote about how I had trouble making friends at my college, while all of that was true, soon after that, I met wonderful girls that accepted me! It was the best feeling ever, and we quickly all became insuperable. There was four of us, and we all just meshed well together. We shared so many laughs to where it got hard to breathe, and went out at nights and all looked out for each other. We saw each other at our weakest, and at our strongest. It all seemed to be falling into place, because I had a great group of friends, (girls and guys) and I was well liked, and acquainted with practically everyone on my floor. Plus, I fell in Love for the first time. (notice the capital "L") Yup, It's the real deal...Things were really good for a few months...up until now. It's the beginning of the second semester, and I just found out I can't go back to school because I have a $7000 bill that neither I nor family can pay. I went to an out-of-state school, so the financial aid didn't cover all of it. They wanted it in full, no exceptions...so here I am, not enrolled in any school, having to leave all the people I've gotten close to. I can't take out a loan either because neither of my parents have a job, and I don't either. Besides that, my mother could no longer afford to provide a home for me, my brother, or even herself. She and I moved in with my grandparents. (Ironically, they are in the same state as my school) So now, not only did I have to leave my friends at college, I also had to leave my friend in my hometown behind, as well as 90% of the things that were in my house, because we only had 3 days to move out. My brother however managed to get a place for himself, so he didn't come to my grandparents with us. I wish I could be like that, I wish I was financially able to stand on my own somehow...I strive for independence from my mom and my grandparents. They do a lot for me, but always hold it over my head like a dark, storming cloud. I managed to get an admissions interview for a school in my hometown, but now since I'm so far away, (9 hours) I have no idea how I'm going to make it. Either way, I'd still have to leave everyone behind, because it's a good two hours from where I used to live. (and 9 hours from my mom) Oh, and as for being in love....it just so happens to be long distance....a VERY long distance. So, it's unattainable, and out of the question...and seeing him move on killed me. I've never been heart broken in my life, and I'm still hurting each day from it, along with everything else. We both love each other, but we can't be together. We don't even get to talk as much as we used to. (every day!!!) We have been talking for 5 years and it's not easy to let this go, even though he says that we deserve to be happy. We made a promise to each other that we would be, and I wish I could keep that promise...There was actually a boy at my college that really liked me, and I thought about giving him a chance, but now since I can't go back, I won't get to pursue the relationship. I swear every opportunity I get, gets taken away from me. This all happened in a matter of [barley] 2 weeks. ( except for the long distance love, that's been for a while...) It just seems that I always lose everything, and everyone. All the things that make me whole, end up leaving me in pieces.