Real problem

[Munrual18]

I'm not really sure if this is the type of forum I should be posting in, so if it's not, I'm sorry.

This is kind of a long story, but here goes:

I am engaged to marry a woman, whom I love very dearly. We've been together for 3 1/2 years. I currently live in a different city for now, working until the end of the year, then I go back. We've been engaged for about two months now. She's an amazing woman, and is a great person.

But...

Almost the entire time we've been together I've thought of another woman. I met her 6 years ago, we started talking and it went great back then, but I was too much of a coward to tell her how I felt, even though I knew she would have said yes to me. Things got weird after a little, naturally, because I never made the move she expected. She ended up dating a friend of mine for a while, which eventually didn't work out. I told myself, "Well, that's that, she dated my friend and I could never date a woman my friend dated." That was around three years ago.

I think of this woman constantly. It kills me. I feel like a Renaissance writer, with a wife and a muse/lover, or something. I don't know what to do. She inspires me, makes me want to be a better person, but I haven't talked to her or seen her in years...

Is this just a "greener pastures" illusion? Should I just commit to my fiance? I never want to leave her, I'm too nice and I care about her too much. I just don't know. The whole situation has made me depressed and alone for too many years now. I want it to be over with.

 

[IVIZ]

6 years is a pretty long time. Have you kept in touch with her? She may be a completely different person that the one you fell in love with (I learned this the hard way). Perhaps you are stuck with an idea or illusion in your head that "what if" things would have gone this way, my life would have been so much better with her. But truly you'll never know. I say let it go, this life changes contineously without any thought on whos ment to be with who. You have a wonderfull future wife, dont lose her for a memory of what was. Live in the present.

Hope you resolve your problem, take care.

 

[Nina]

Your current fiance deserves all of you. It's not fair to her to be thinking of someone else. I'd contact the first one and see what comes of it before getting married.

 

[discolemonade]

I agree with Nina, you arent being fair to your fiance. I'd call off the wedding for a bit to think things out.

 

[Enchanted Girl]

You should at least be honest with your fiance about your emotional affair. That's what these kind of situations are typically called, especially seeing that the other woman reciprocated your feelings.

I remember this one episode of private practice touching on this subject well. The main character, Addison, fell in love with this guy who was married and he fell in love with her as well. They didn't sleep together because she refused to do that to his wife, but when his wife found out, she confronted Addison and said that what they did was worse in her opinion and that it would have been just better if they slept together. Because having someone cheat on your for one night and it meaning nothing is easier than knowing you are married to someone who doesn't value you or love you like you love them. The first situation is easy for the person to get over, the second one is not. You're only really married to them by law, but you don't have their heart at all. And if you don't have their heart, you have nothing.

Personally, I do think you have a grass is greener problem. It's easy to idealize and romanticize the idea of dating someone that you've never been with. It's exciting to think about and also, you don't know how incredibly annoying they probably are to date because you've never done it before.

But it's not fair to your fiance to stay with her if you have that kind of problem. She deserves all the feelings she has for you to be reciprocated completely. She also deserves your honesty, so she has the freedom to leave the relationship if she wants to.

 

[tehdreamer]

I think what you need is closure. This other girl is "the one that got away" and you're stuck on what ifs. Maybe attempt to contact her and tell her how you once felt, get it all off your chest. She may think you're a complete weirdo for doing so, but it might help you feel better once it's all said and done.

And if you think you still have serious feelings for her, maybe it's not the best time to be getting married. I think when you love someone, even after you separate, you will always love them on some level or another. But you should be able to have plenty of room left for your next love. If you haven't let go of those serious love feelings and moved on, you're just going to end up hurting your fiance.

I hope it's just the case of needing closure. Closure can be a tricky thing to get, but can also be very helpful with moving on from the past. Good luck!

 

[eris]

Munrual18 - If you are having such strong feelings for another women I really do not think you should be engaged to someone else. Its really not fair.

Who knows, personally I'd chase after who I mused over.

yeah. I think I would too.

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Why are you even engaged ? It is obviously not what you want. Why would you marry someone when you want to be with someone else ? I REALLY dont understand this.

I think you should just date this girl. Dont ruin her life because you want to be "safe" with your feelings.

 

[BitterLove]

Agree with Nina also. How would you feel if you found out someone you loved and dedicated yourself to was obsessed with someone else? It would hurt like hell. And be humiliating. She will feel like she was your second choice. Even if you love them in "different ways", it doesn't matter to a woman who loves you.

Don't marry her Not till you've let go of the other woman.

Maybe if you saw her again it would break the spell. We make people wonderful in our minds. Chances are you'll see her and she wont be the person you remember. Closure.

 

[PurpleDays]

Agree with BitterLove, you can't do anything until you DO something with your feelings for the other woman. Get a conclusion, even if it's not the one you want. It'll be better than this limbo.

Imagine how you'd feel if your fiance liked another man... that would hurt, no?

 

[lomojojo]

I agree with everyone here. It's not fair for your fiance. Some damage has already been done. If you talk to her you are going to break her heart (at least that's how I would feel) but that's the least you could do because if you put off the weding w/o telling the truth she's going to be so confused. It's complicated