S
SophiaGrace
Guest
I know some people know that I was in a relationship for quite some time with a girl. But then I dated a guy for about a month. It's been causing me quite a bit of shame to talk about. Like i've done something horribly horribly wrong to say originally that I liked girls and then seemed to flip-flop. Well, here is the larger picture of what I am feeling deep down inside. I've just been too ashamed to talk about it in depth until now like it's been some dark secret.
This past year or two has been quite confusing for me sexually. Up until then I thought I was just satisfied by being with guys, but then I got into a relationship (when i was 19) and things changed.
I think I am straight for the most part but there is a part of me that has the potential to like a girl.
Let me explain...
I was friends with a girl for a long time, best friends. I looked up to her (she was a bit older) admired her and generally hung out with her quite a bit. My first love had recently died and I was broken up about it...and making friends with her sort of healed my grief. She had a problem with alcoholism...and I cared/worried about her a lot. Worried that she would relapse.
I remember confiding in her that I liked a guy. And soon thereafter, she sort of *ahem* made a move on me. I was sort of taken-aback, but I didnt say anything. I dissociated...and yet I loved the idea of her kissing my cheek and cuddling with me. I've never dissociated before during a *** act and I remember thinking that I didnt want to do it beforehand. But I didnt want to humiliate/embarass her by saying no. So I went along with it, dissociated and freaked out afterwards because I didnt understand why i dissociated. After the first time I dissociated...I never experienced it again. The girl and I began to have a full-on relationship. And I loved her, very much. I do not dispute that I loved her. I did and I'll defend that I loved her til the death of me.
A few months later, I decided to do some background on this girl I had been talking to online for such a long time. She had refused to give me any real-life information and I felt that I had waited long enough to gain her trust. I felt I needed to to get peace of mind because it felt very suspicious. So I went ahead and did a background check. And to my utter-shock/horror I figured out that I had been speaking to a guy and not a girl.
It was a mind ****. I felt betrayed & used. I felt hatred, i felt un-godly pain. I looked at the girl I once loved and her face slowly shattered in my mind/heart...into the face of a much older man. It hurt...so much. I was angry for a long-long time. After a lot of persistence, they admitted they were who I thought they were.
And a little while after that, something else broke in me. I went mad for two days....all my sexual-feelings for guys rushing back. (I had been repressing them because of some horrible things guys had said to me a few months back)
And there was this little voice in the back of my mind saying "i'm glad this person turned out to be a guy instead." as though perhaps if I had continued with the relationship with this girl, I someday...wouldve regained my feelings for men anyway creating a huge mess.
After the relationship. I noticed that my sexual preferences were whatever reminded me of this person. Guys who had a witty sense of humor, older guys, blonde women and I began to feel like I had loved the person INSIDE rather than any gender that they had
So now....finally.... I feel as though I can move on. That my sexual fantasies arent driven anymore by the things that remind me of this person. In fact, I dont really have satisfying sexual fantasies anymore. I've noticed that I've begun to drift back to checking out girls.
There is still a part of me that says "ew" and a voice that says "youre straight, I dont think you can maintain a relationship with a girl emotionally."
My biggest fear is getting into a relationship with a girl and years later waking up to realize that I cant emotionally continue it and that I'm repressing who I really am. But at the same I cant deny that I DID fall in love with what I thought was a girl.
Deep down I want to say that I mostly like guys but the fact that I fell in love with a girl causes me massive confusion and leaves me wondering what would've happened had the relationship continued.
This past year or two has been quite confusing for me sexually. Up until then I thought I was just satisfied by being with guys, but then I got into a relationship (when i was 19) and things changed.
I think I am straight for the most part but there is a part of me that has the potential to like a girl.
Let me explain...
I was friends with a girl for a long time, best friends. I looked up to her (she was a bit older) admired her and generally hung out with her quite a bit. My first love had recently died and I was broken up about it...and making friends with her sort of healed my grief. She had a problem with alcoholism...and I cared/worried about her a lot. Worried that she would relapse.
I remember confiding in her that I liked a guy. And soon thereafter, she sort of *ahem* made a move on me. I was sort of taken-aback, but I didnt say anything. I dissociated...and yet I loved the idea of her kissing my cheek and cuddling with me. I've never dissociated before during a *** act and I remember thinking that I didnt want to do it beforehand. But I didnt want to humiliate/embarass her by saying no. So I went along with it, dissociated and freaked out afterwards because I didnt understand why i dissociated. After the first time I dissociated...I never experienced it again. The girl and I began to have a full-on relationship. And I loved her, very much. I do not dispute that I loved her. I did and I'll defend that I loved her til the death of me.
A few months later, I decided to do some background on this girl I had been talking to online for such a long time. She had refused to give me any real-life information and I felt that I had waited long enough to gain her trust. I felt I needed to to get peace of mind because it felt very suspicious. So I went ahead and did a background check. And to my utter-shock/horror I figured out that I had been speaking to a guy and not a girl.
It was a mind ****. I felt betrayed & used. I felt hatred, i felt un-godly pain. I looked at the girl I once loved and her face slowly shattered in my mind/heart...into the face of a much older man. It hurt...so much. I was angry for a long-long time. After a lot of persistence, they admitted they were who I thought they were.
And a little while after that, something else broke in me. I went mad for two days....all my sexual-feelings for guys rushing back. (I had been repressing them because of some horrible things guys had said to me a few months back)
And there was this little voice in the back of my mind saying "i'm glad this person turned out to be a guy instead." as though perhaps if I had continued with the relationship with this girl, I someday...wouldve regained my feelings for men anyway creating a huge mess.
After the relationship. I noticed that my sexual preferences were whatever reminded me of this person. Guys who had a witty sense of humor, older guys, blonde women and I began to feel like I had loved the person INSIDE rather than any gender that they had
So now....finally.... I feel as though I can move on. That my sexual fantasies arent driven anymore by the things that remind me of this person. In fact, I dont really have satisfying sexual fantasies anymore. I've noticed that I've begun to drift back to checking out girls.
There is still a part of me that says "ew" and a voice that says "youre straight, I dont think you can maintain a relationship with a girl emotionally."
My biggest fear is getting into a relationship with a girl and years later waking up to realize that I cant emotionally continue it and that I'm repressing who I really am. But at the same I cant deny that I DID fall in love with what I thought was a girl.
Deep down I want to say that I mostly like guys but the fact that I fell in love with a girl causes me massive confusion and leaves me wondering what would've happened had the relationship continued.
