Relationships and negotiation.

[February203]

I was reading a book about negotiation, and I realized that in all relationships, whether they are with friends, family, or romantic partners, it is important to provide value.

When you have a positive relationship, you are providing value to the other person, and they are providing value to you. This creates a mutually beneficial exchange that strengthens the relationship. In negative relationships one person is draining more or just not providing the expected amount of value.

In a negotiation you have to understand the value of what you can offer and what you can get in exchange for what you provide. I feel a little stupid for not realizing this sooner.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Why is it you think that is sound logic?

In the olden days, a racing horse for example, if it became injured, they would shoot it, and put it down; it was no longer able to serve it's, 'function,' and was no longer, 'useful.' Many find that practice horrid.

If your partner became comatose, or disabled in some way, and you had to care for them, would you consider them, less, 'valuable?'

We are all flawed people. One person might be motivated to leave this person. Another might be motivated to cheat. But another might be motivated to care for them deeply. No?

Few people want to be in a relationship with some one who is selfish, only thinks of themselves, only takes instead of gives, and is emotionally draining, of course. I just don't see what, 'value,' has anything to do with that. That has nothing to do with, 'value,' and more to do with reciprocity, as it pertains, to needs, wants, and desires.

Pardon my rant, if you will, but I just can't stand that word, 'value,' in the context of relationships. A car has a Bluebook value, after it's been purchased. Gold has a fluctuating value. Walmart stocks have a value.

Friendship is priceless my friend. Take that to the bank.

I'm fairly certain being a good friend, good boyfriend, good girlfriend, good wife, good husband, good brother, good sister, etc.. etc.. is optimally it's own reward. It's a reward that may punish you severely with heaps of misfortune. And there may be times we take more than we should have or give more than we should have. But, I dunno. For better or worse, my experience tells me, I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

Adam: Hey babe, what do you want for dinner?
Eve: What do YOU want for dinner?

In all seriousness though, negotiation is easy, or can be made easy, if you know how to undercut.
If you don't know how to undercut, I can't help you, sorry. Lol.

It's easy for me to be giving because I've become self-reliant enough to not expect or to ask more than what is basic and fair. I wouldn't know what to do, for example, with something like $200 Million. That's excessively high to my personal utilities.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

@NoxApex(N/A) Undercutters?

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Okay... I'm in a bad mood, this is my fave topic... time for a rant. Thanks for this topic, it's interesting.
So... let's start with my issue with circular definitions, it ultimately makes the thing mean... nothing... so love is love, a woman is a woman, a good boyfriend is a good boyfriend... makes no sense (in my eyes)... it's got to at least mean something, maybe not the same thing to everyone... but something...

If my partner was not the man he was... he would be in the queue with the rest... simple... if I wasnt the woman I am, I'd be in the queue too. We both provide something that we value. Under a mutual attraction designed to ensure optimal procreation... we have value and meaning to each other because of action.. not words...

In my fathers day and previous it was simple, he would work hard, provide and protect his woman... go to war when expected with pride. Now... no one knows, the only advice is don't be a creep... or some circular nonsense like just be a good boyfriend... well good luck men lol

As a woman, my value is predefined, I dont need to add any more, men value women for sex and companionship, offspring , and beauty (youth).... They can find other things to like about us... but ultimately... we are valuable as that's the only thing we an offer that a man cannot do himself. When I watch my partner do basic things, I feel so useless, even something as simple as moving an oven out... I couldnt even make the bloody thing rock, and there he is just dragging it out with pure ease.. I dont like this hand i've been dealt either, but I dont make the rules, I respect the lord and maybe one day I'll understand this design.

 

[okidoke]

Um, I was actually a trained police negotiator. The first thing our instructor told us was, “Now, don’t expect this will work on your spouse or your children.” He was right lol.

 

[February203]

Why is it you think that is sound logic?

In the olden days, a racing horse for example, if it became injured, they would shoot it, and put it down; it was no longer able to serve it's, 'function,' and was no longer, 'useful.' Many find that practice horrid.

If your partner became comatose, or disabled in some way, and you had to care for them, would you consider them, less, 'valuable?'

We are all flawed people. One person might be motivated to leave this person. Another might be motivated to cheat. But another might be motivated to care for them deeply. No?

Few people want to be in a relationship with some one who is selfish, only thinks of themselves, only takes instead of gives, and is emotionally draining, of course. I just don't see what, 'value,' has anything to do with that. That has nothing to do with, 'value,' and more to do with reciprocity, as it pertains, to needs, wants, and desires.

Pardon my rant, if you will, but I just can't stand that word, 'value,' in the context of relationships. A car has a Bluebook value, after it's been purchased. Gold has a fluctuating value. Walmart stocks have a value.

Friendship is priceless my friend. Take that to the bank.

I'm fairly certain being a good friend, good boyfriend, good girlfriend, good wife, good husband, good brother, good sister, etc.. etc.. is optimally it's own reward. It's a reward that may punish you severely with heaps of misfortune. And there may be times we take more than we should have or give more than we should have. But, I dunno. For better or worse, my experience tells me, I wouldn't have it any other way.

It seems like you have a problem with the word "value". I don't want to trigger you in any way and if it does, that's not my intention to do that also I think the point I was making is still valid. Here's a dictionary definition.

Value: 1- The regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something.


2- A person's principles or standards of behavior; one's judgment of what is important in life.

Relationships also have value. A mother might consider the relationship with her child more valuable than the relationship with her neighbor.

If we're speaking rationally we all put value on relationships, some things and some people are more important than others. I value my siblings more than I value my co-workers. Relationships are more than just friends and loved ones. You have a relation with everything and everyone around you.

If you value affection and your significant other refuses to be affectionate You're not wrong to leave and find someone who will be. Maybe you value emotional security but the person you're dating makes you feel insecure then it's fair to end the relationship.

Maybe what I'm saying doesn't sound palatable but that doesn't make it not true.

 

[February203]

Um, I was actually a trained police negotiator. The first thing our instructor told us was, “Now, don’t expect this will work on your spouse or your children.” He was right lol.

Yeah but you still have to negotiate with a spouse knowing when and when not to compromise is important.

Just a quick example. If a couple is married and they have a child and one person wants to be a stay at home parent. But the other prefers they both keep their jobs. How do you resolve that? You talk it out and hopefully you guys find a way to compromise and that's literally what negotiations are, the process of coming up with the compromise.

 

[February203]

Okay... I'm in a bad mood, this is my fave topic... time for a rant. Thanks for this topic, it's interesting.
So... let's start with my issue with circular definitions, it ultimately makes the thing mean... nothing... so love is love, a woman is a woman, a good boyfriend is a good boyfriend... makes no sense (in my eyes)... it's got to at least mean something, maybe not the same thing to everyone... but something...

If my partner was not the man he was... he would be in the queue with the rest... simple... if I wasnt the woman I am, I'd be in the queue too. We both provide something that we value. Under a mutual attraction designed to ensure optimal procreation... we have value and meaning to each other because of action.. not words...

In my fathers day and previous it was simple, he would work hard, provide and protect his woman... go to war when expected with pride. Now... no one knows, the only advice is don't be a creep... or some circular nonsense like just be a good boyfriend... well good luck men lol

As a woman, my value is predefined, I dont need to add any more, men value women for sex and companionship, offspring , and beauty (youth).... They can find other things to like about us... but ultimately... we are valuable as that's the only thing we an offer that a man cannot do himself. When I watch my partner do basic things, I feel so useless, even something as simple as moving an oven out... I couldnt even make the bloody thing rock, and there he is just dragging it out with pure ease.. I dont like this hand i've been dealt either, but I dont make the rules, I respect the lord and maybe one day I'll understand this design.

Men and women are made different for a reason. Both have their role to play. And we balance each other out. I'm sure your partner doesn't hate you for being unable to move the oven.

I don't know them. but in my past relationships I didn't hate my significant other for being unable to move furniture.

So I hope you find peace with what you are and who you are. Even if you don't ever get the answer you're looking for.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

@NoxApex(N/A) Undercutters?

Aaahhh, I miss Tom Green. lmao.

 

[okidoke]

Yeah but you still have to negotiate with a spouse knowing when and when not to compromise is important.

Although my story was true, I'm well aware of what you say. I'm always the one compromising, in all relationships. I've always wanted to make people happy, to be nice to others, for them to like me, but I was just continually used and mistreated and when I stopped being so compromising, life has served me with what I have today - one friend left and a pathetic marriage. How come nobody else wants to compromise?

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Men and women are made different for a reason. Both have their role to play. And we balance each other out. I'm sure your partner doesn't hate you for being unable to move the oven.

I don't know them. but in my past relationships I didn't hate my significant other for being unable to move furniture.

So I hope you find peace with what you are and who you are. Even if you don't ever get the answer you're looking for.

Yeah it's more like understanding a man doesn't need me for anything else can be depressing.... he doesn't need me to kill spiders, move heavy things he cant move, help him make money, like literally nothing... but I need my fella, I cant do things without him, I cant even reach things.

My fella likes that I need him, makes him feel like more of a "man".. but then.. being weak and stuck in a castle is being the ultimate woman... just feels annoying sometimes. I respect the gender roles though, just sometimes wish there was a little more I could add to the equation.

 

[February203]

Although my story was true, I'm well aware of what you say. I'm always the one compromising, in all relationships. I've always wanted to make people happy, to be nice to others, for them to like me, but I was just continually used and mistreated and when I stopped being so compromising, life has served me with what I have today - one friend left and a pathetic marriage. How come nobody else wants to compromise?

Yeah, I've been there. I've spent my 20s being a doormat having people walk all over me. I look back and wish I had more of a backbone. I should have advocated for myself better.