Relationships - what to make of them?

[Twiggy]

Hello people, I'm new to the forum; just spent the last hour trying to figure out how to get around it and how to work it - hoping this will come with use?!  Now thinking my user name should have been techdummy.

I used to have a pretty full life, but nowadays I struggle to leave my room and get the day to day things done, as I have a health condition. I'd say I'm content with my own company for 23hrs a day.  I'm past the frustration re not being able to do much now, I kind of accept it but I can get low, been stressed and ill a lot lately, so I've been escaping in the box set one after another, I've recently come to the end of 24 and missing Jack Bauer - with no new boxset yet to take Jack's place.

I'm kind of ok with being alone, it's easier and I feel more at peace, I like human contact but I dont like getting up close and personal with folk these days. When able I take more enjoyment from making something than being with people. I also prefer talking to strangers than to anyone I know.

Life's shown me that sooner or later I will run into trouble when I'm in a relationship with someone.  I'm not afraid to face the difficulties when a relationship hits a bump, infact I know that overcoming these challenges often strengthens a relationship, but as I've got older I just feel so less inclined to do so anymore, I'm either too angry or I cant be bothered. Guessing that a number of people I knew also felt this way about me and that's why they're gone now as my friend pool has somewhat evaporated. 

The only thing I really miss is laughter, because we can only really ever have a belly full when with someone else hey, I know already that when I do meet my end that will be a regret, that and more sex - cant do either of these things in isolation.  

I found that to be a friend it sort of means to be on a constant standby, ready to arrange a meet up at any moment, ready to have a chat on the phone or in the street, do a lot of things I have no real interest in doing, pretty time consuming really, then there's the offer to help, that's a big one. 

The circle of mummy friends I used to have seemed to always be competing to be the most kind, thoughtful, helpful person in the world - it was relentless and I felt honeysuckle when I'd forgotten something or someone or I hadnt thought about how I could have offered my services when someone else did.  It felt like a heap of helping for what to me - a few mildly fun gatherings and the feeling I was in the club. Then there was the back stabbing, the judgements and the politics to swerve - all so very tedious and sometimes just plain nasty.  Problem is, you're either with them or against them, so when I left I fell into the latter. 

Someone once said to me that a relationship is a bit like a bank account, you deposit, deposit, deposit some more then you can make a withdrawal. I kind of get that.  Now I'm ill I cant deposit, and I feel overdrawn with those I consider close, those who get me, so I've cut myself off from these people as well as it feels too uncomfortable, not equal anymore, I cant bring any fun or offer anything really - thing is I'm finding that it appears to suit them this way too of course, no one wants to keep on giving to get nothing back. If I've got nothing to give how can I be in any kind of relationship? I cant can I.

Not after sympathy but I'd be interested to read what others think about relationships, any experiences, lessons, theories or a 'must see' boxset recommendation would also be great.

 

[Jessicat]

Ahh. Yup, I feel you. When I was younger I felt like my whole friend group were just after something from me. You just give and give. And nothing they gave me in return felt good, it was just laced with some kind of notion that I had to be a certain way. Got sick of it. When you struggle with other shitty stuff you cut out hurtful things real fast. I prefer my own company over relationships like that.
I used to have a friend that was totally different tho. They are out there! Just rare that you meet them. They tend to be injured just like myself so it’s not easy to find one in the right circumstances that allows friendship to grow. It’s nice when your essence and soul is what matters. You don’t need to be anything but yourself, you don’t give anything other that words of attention. You kind of just see each other naked, allowing all other masks and forced fakeness to drop. There are great people in this forum that’s like this too.
Anyways. I’m babbling.
Have a nice day!

 

[Twiggy]

Ahh. Yup, I feel you. When I was younger I felt like my whole friend group were just after something from me. You just give and give. And nothing they gave me in return felt good, it was just laced with some kind of notion that I had to be a certain way. Got sick of it. When you struggle with other shitty stuff you cut out hurtful things real fast. I prefer my own company over relationships like that.
I used to have a friend that was totally different tho. They are out there! Just rare that you meet them. They tend to be injured just like myself so it’s not easy to find one in the right circumstances that allows friendship to grow. It’s nice when your essence and soul is what matters. You don’t need to be anything but yourself, you don’t give anything other that words of attention. You kind of just see each other naked, allowing all other masks and forced fakeness to drop. There are great people in this forum that’s like this too.
Anyways. I’m babbling.
Have a nice day!

Thanks for your kind reply Jessicat, feels affirming to read your words.  Think you're spot on when you say we cut out anything that could be harmful when we're forced into dealing with other stuff, think thats exactly what I'm doing now, thanks for saying this, has helped me to feel at ease and make some sense of where I am.  Been feeling pretty lost for a while. 

I dont mind being lost, its a pre shift place to be isnt it, only not been this lost before and for so long, it's hard to have faith it will change when in poor health, but it will, for sure, because everything does right? If its not my doing it will come from elsewhere.  If other aspects of my life let up and come good I'd probably be able to manage my health a lot better. 

Hope you have a nice day too. T.x

 

[TheRealCallie]

Honestly, it doesn't sound like you've accepted anything. It sounds like you've resigned yourself to your "fate." There is a huge difference between those two things.

All you can do is keep trying and remember that if you never risk anything, chances are high that you will never get anything. Yes, you have the internet and I'm not saying it's not a great resource to find people to talk to and get some friends. BUT, the outside world, the one beyond your door is also really important.
I'm not sure what your health issues are, but if you really want it, find a way. There's almost always a way.

 

[Jessicat]

I do believe it will change for you. If it doesn’t, then we all are able to adapt. When I was little I had so many hopes and dreams, so many places I wanted too see and people that I wanted to meet. Swallowing that knowledge of your life not turning out the way you wanted is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It probably is for many people. You keep feeling smaller and smaller, you look out toward others and see that they have come so far in life and you feel defeated. When you are inside of all that pain it unlocks something in you, if you allow it too. Instead of looking at the shallow masks on people’s faces you start to see the shared pain. The broken-hearted kindred spirit. Having that outlook has helped me a lot. It allows me to care for everybody out there! And, it has shielded me from becoming bitter and cold. 
Thank you for making this post so I could talk about this. 

 

[Twiggy]

I do believe it will change for you. If it doesn’t, then we all are able to adapt. When I was little I had so many hopes and dreams, so many places I wanted too see and people that I wanted to meet. Swallowing that knowledge of your life not turning out the way you wanted is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It probably is for many people. You keep feeling smaller and smaller, you look out toward others and see that they have come so far in life and you feel defeated. When you are inside of all that pain it unlocks something in you, if you allow it too. Instead of looking at the shallow masks on people’s faces you start to see the shared pain. The broken-hearted kindred spirit. Having that outlook has helped me a lot. It allows me to care for everybody out there! And, it has shielded me from becoming bitter and cold. 
Thank you for making this post so I could talk about this. 

Wow, such wise words J, you're really helping me today! I think this is where I am, no wonder it feels so hard to climb out of, yes, I need to swallow life didnt go as hoped for but thats alright hey.  Funny as I was thinking earlier, so you're not going to travel far and wide, achieve the things you hoped to, and chances are its going to be struggle from here on in, but I can live with that, and if I need to rethink and make some changes, adapt again, I will, however that looks.  

Like how you are mindful that we all have pain inside of us, I'm going to think about this more and test it out because no one can avoid pain, suffering maybe, but pain no, we've all had our battles and hills to climb. 

I reached the pinacle and didn't know it, I'm up and over, down the other side, but there is still air to breath and wonders to be found on the days I feel able. I dont want to be bitter, I have nothing to be bitter about. You're right, my anger has prevented me from trying to look for each persons essence, I liked myself more when I tried to be this way with others, felt I'd lost my way with this but didnt know how to get back. It's about letting go, I need to let go of the anger now, with one person in partiular, it's long over due, it infects every aspect of life when we dont.  Its so very self destructive.  People cause us pain sometimes, feel this but not for too long  because there is only one outcome to be achieved, to let it go, may as well be sooner than later, I've pig headedly hung on, for what? Its only caused more pain and suffering for others, eaten me up and pushed others away.  

I'd like you to know you've given me exactly the stuff I need to be thinking about, I've gleaned more from you this morning than 4 sessions of counselling.  Its reasurring to hear from someone whose on the other side of this, thanks everso for taking the time to formulate your thoughts. T.x

 

[Jessicat]

A song that fits perfectly.

[youtube]S4cpyFAHEmI[/youtube]

Do you believe in reincarnation?
'Cause I thought I saw your soul
Flashing and dancing on the horizon
Shades of jade and emerald
Oh, I'm a bad girl 'cause I turned the bad world
Into a crystal pearl
And we were loveless, oh, it was pure bliss
Something I've never felt before

I might be crazy, but baby, lately
I don't believe the news
They say it's ending to stop pretending
To start looking for the clues
A glass cylinder where we can linger
Let me take us to the stars

I won't be missing your tender kissing
'Cause the light will wipe out all the scars

 

[Twiggy]

Honestly, it doesn't sound like you've accepted anything.  It sounds like you've resigned yourself to your "fate."  There is a huge difference between those two things.  

All you can do is keep trying and remember that if you never risk anything, chances are high that you will never get anything.  Yes, you have the internet and I'm not saying it's not a great resource to find people to talk to and get some friends.  BUT, the outside world, the one beyond your door is also really important.  
I'm not sure what your health issues are, but if you really want it, find a way.  There's almost always a way.

Thanks for taking the time to read my post and reply TRC. On the days I am able I will for sure.

---

A song that fits perfectly.

[youtube]S4cpyFAHEmI[/youtube]

Do you believe in reincarnation?
'Cause I thought I saw your soul
Flashing and dancing on the horizon
Shades of jade and emerald
Oh, I'm a bad girl 'cause I turned the bad world
Into a crystal pearl
And we were loveless, oh, it was pure bliss
Something I've never felt before

I might be crazy, but baby, lately
I don't believe the news
They say it's ending to stop pretending
To start looking for the clues
A glass cylinder where we can linger
Let me take us to the stars

I won't be missing your tender kissing
'Cause the light will wipe out all the scars

 Loved it, never heard of her before, the last two lines were particuarly poignant. Thanks for today, a number of things have shifted in me for sure, got my focus back, feeling lighter and brighter x

 

[Jessicat]

I’m happy for you. Keep on strong.
On the note of seeing the small and beautiful things of this world: Today I saw a huge flock of birds leaving for warmer countries. There are lots of stuff in this life that’s worth seeing. Might not seem like such a big deal for other people. For me it was. 
It made me smile.

 

[bleed_the_freak]

I can relate a lot to what the OP has posted. My issue is I can't trust anymore and all I see is fakeness.

 

[Jessicat]

I can relate a lot to what the OP has posted. My issue is I can't trust anymore and all I see is fakeness.

I see that a lot too. Some people grab on to that mask and keep it forced on for dear life, too scared to do anything else. In my own opinion that’s a worse state too be in. In denial of what your true self is, always trying to be perfect. Must be like standing inside a house on fire screaming at the top of your lungs that it’s raining. 
People choose their own road. Some want to stay on fake street, others live in essence lane. Lol.

 

[JAX]

I'm sorry that you feel disillusioned with relationships.  I agree with @The Real Callie that potentially you haven't really accepted it (that's maybe why you are here posting?),  but maybe there is a part of you that wishes you would accept it!   I think many of us struggle with wanting to hide or quit trying to find real people and just be OK within our own walls, but truly it's a lonely place to be and if we are honest--- not a place where good things are happening in our life.  Community is important.    

Relationships take work.  It's one messy person with baggage connecting with another messy person with baggage.   To some degree, we all have masks and so we have to stick around long enough to be a safe place to let down that mask.   I believe that people change and grow during a friendship/relationship and you have to allow them grace to grow and realize you are growing into a better person as well.   It helps me when I stop assuming the problem is everyone else and I can take a honest look at my life and see changes I need to make.  How negative thinking has caused some behaviors and actions that push people away.  It's up to me to change that or to just  say that if "people can't take it, then I don't need them."   For me, it's a path to a bitter and lonely life.  

I think it's like most things in life that you have to keep trying and not give up.   There are days that it feels awesome and days you want to quit.    There are  weeds out there, so you wade through that, but just be careful to give people a chance.  Maybe we give up too easily.    I think we don't realize that it's not truly easy for most people (especially as we get older) and then we can finally start realizing that we all have to put in a LOT of effort.  It takes time to build a foundation of comfortable friendship and a sense of not taking yourself too seriously.  
My encouragement is to keep trying.  Every day.  Keep trying!  That's what I say about my diet and exercise too!  LOL

 

[Jessicat]

“It helps me when I stop assuming the problem is everyone else and I can take a honest look at my life and see changes I need to make.”

Couldn’t agree more. Changing someone else is a fools errand. Only thing you can control and do something about is yourself.  

 

[user 139760]

Hello people, I'm new to the forum; just spent the last hour trying to figure out how to get around it and how to work it - hoping this will come with use?!  Now thinking my user name should have been techdummy.

I used to have a pretty full life, but nowadays I struggle to leave my room and get the day to day things done, as I have a health condition. I'd say I'm content with my own company for 23hrs a day.  I'm past the frustration re not being able to do much now, I kind of accept it but I can get low, been stressed and ill a lot lately, so I've been escaping in the box set one after another, I've recently come to the end of 24 and missing Jack Bauer - with no new boxset yet to take Jack's place.

I'm kind of ok with being alone, it's easier and I feel more at peace, I like human contact but I dont like getting up close and personal with folk these days. When able I take more enjoyment from making something than being with people. I also prefer talking to strangers than to anyone I know.

Life's shown me that sooner or later I will run into trouble when I'm in a relationship with someone.  I'm not afraid to face the difficulties when a relationship hits a bump, infact I know that overcoming these challenges often strengthens a relationship, but as I've got older I just feel so less inclined to do so anymore, I'm either too angry or I cant be bothered. Guessing that a number of people I knew also felt this way about me and that's why they're gone now as my friend pool has somewhat evaporated. 

The only thing I really miss is laughter, because we can only really ever have a belly full when with someone else hey, I know already that when I do meet my end that will be a regret, that and more sex - cant do either of these things in isolation.  

I found that to be a friend it sort of means to be on a constant standby, ready to arrange a meet up at any moment, ready to have a chat on the phone or in the street, do a lot of things I have no real interest in doing, pretty time consuming really, then there's the offer to help, that's a big one. 

The circle of mummy friends I used to have seemed to always be competing to be the most kind, thoughtful, helpful person in the world - it was relentless and I felt honeysuckle when I'd forgotten something or someone or I hadnt thought about how I could have offered my services when someone else did.  It felt like a heap of helping for what to me - a few mildly fun gatherings and the feeling I was in the club. Then there was the back stabbing, the judgements and the politics to swerve - all so very tedious and sometimes just plain nasty.  Problem is, you're either with them or against them, so when I left I fell into the latter. 

Someone once said to me that a relationship is a bit like a bank account, you deposit, deposit, deposit some more then you can make a withdrawal. I kind of get that.  Now I'm ill I cant deposit, and I feel overdrawn with those I consider close, those who get me, so I've cut myself off from these people as well as it feels too uncomfortable, not equal anymore, I cant bring any fun or offer anything really - thing is I'm finding that it appears to suit them this way too of course, no one wants to keep on giving to get nothing back. If I've got nothing to give how can I be in any kind of relationship? I cant can I.

Not after sympathy but I'd be interested to read what others think about relationships, any experiences, lessons, theories or a 'must see' boxset recommendation would also be great.

Firefly.

Look at Mal. Closely. The way the character was written actually contains a lot that people like you, or me, who have grown rather bitter (I don't feel bitter is right, but I cant find the right word, probably "wearied"or reticent) about relationships. The man believes in nothing when you first meet him. By the end, though, in a great example of character growth, without thinking he's actually healed, you can definetely say he sees a way out of his misery. It helped me at the worst time, the absolutely worst and most miserable time in my life.

Relationships are difficult. The closest thing to an actual Act of Faith we can get. Sometimes, they pay off, others not. The important thing to me to remember is to take them as a lesson in how to grow and how to become a better person by learning from my own failiures, irregardless of the circumstances. It can only lead me to future better ones

 

[Twiggy]

I’m happy for you. Keep on strong.
On the note of seeing the small and beautiful things of this world: Today I saw a huge flock of birds leaving for warmer countries. There are lots of stuff in this life that’s worth seeing. Might not seem like such a big deal for other people. For me it was. 
It made me smile.

So true.  Strength has been building this week, so far so good, its funny how it takes one turn and then a person can go from strength to srength dont you think?! Endetted to you Jcat x

---

I can relate a lot to what the OP has posted. My issue is I can't trust anymore and all I see is fakeness.

That's because there is a lot of it out there, but focusing energy on this only leaves a person feeling rubbish.  I think its good to be mindful of fakeness, as you term it, but its important not to get caught up in it, because it only leads a person down the path of misery.  

Maybe its about letting go, to stop feeling you need to be on high alert and trusting that you will recognise 'fakeness' when it appears and do what is needed at that time? 

Taking time to smell the flowers helps, shifts your focus, brings peace, restores calm, helps us see and feel what is really important - well that's what I reckon anyway. Nature is a power source.

 

[Twiggy]

Hello people, I'm new to the forum; just spent the last hour trying to figure out how to get around it and how to work it - hoping this will come with use?!  Now thinking my user name should have been techdummy.

I used to have a pretty full life, but nowadays I struggle to leave my room and get the day to day things done, as I have a health condition. I'd say I'm content with my own company for 23hrs a day.  I'm past the frustration re not being able to do much now, I kind of accept it but I can get low, been stressed and ill a lot lately, so I've been escaping in the box set one after another, I've recently come to the end of 24 and missing Jack Bauer - with no new boxset yet to take Jack's place.

I'm kind of ok with being alone, it's easier and I feel more at peace, I like human contact but I dont like getting up close and personal with folk these days. When able I take more enjoyment from making something than being with people. I also prefer talking to strangers than to anyone I know.

Life's shown me that sooner or later I will run into trouble when I'm in a relationship with someone.  I'm not afraid to face the difficulties when a relationship hits a bump, infact I know that overcoming these challenges often strengthens a relationship, but as I've got older I just feel so less inclined to do so anymore, I'm either too angry or I cant be bothered. Guessing that a number of people I knew also felt this way about me and that's why they're gone now as my friend pool has somewhat evaporated. 

The only thing I really miss is laughter, because we can only really ever have a belly full when with someone else hey, I know already that when I do meet my end that will be a regret, that and more sex - cant do either of these things in isolation.  

I found that to be a friend it sort of means to be on a constant standby, ready to arrange a meet up at any moment, ready to have a chat on the phone or in the street, do a lot of things I have no real interest in doing, pretty time consuming really, then there's the offer to help, that's a big one. 

The circle of mummy friends I used to have seemed to always be competing to be the most kind, thoughtful, helpful person in the world - it was relentless and I felt honeysuckle when I'd forgotten something or someone or I hadnt thought about how I could have offered my services when someone else did.  It felt like a heap of helping for what to me - a few mildly fun gatherings and the feeling I was in the club. Then there was the back stabbing, the judgements and the politics to swerve - all so very tedious and sometimes just plain nasty.  Problem is, you're either with them or against them, so when I left I fell into the latter. 

Someone once said to me that a relationship is a bit like a bank account, you deposit, deposit, deposit some more then you can make a withdrawal. I kind of get that.  Now I'm ill I cant deposit, and I feel overdrawn with those I consider close, those who get me, so I've cut myself off from these people as well as it feels too uncomfortable, not equal anymore, I cant bring any fun or offer anything really - thing is I'm finding that it appears to suit them this way too of course, no one wants to keep on giving to get nothing back. If I've got nothing to give how can I be in any kind of relationship? I cant can I.

Not after sympathy but I'd be interested to read what others think about relationships, any experiences, lessons, theories or a 'must see' boxset recommendation would also be great.

Firefly.

Look at Mal. Closely. The way the character was written actually contains a lot that people like you, or me, who have grown rather bitter (I don't feel bitter is right, but I cant find the right word, probably "wearied"or reticent) about relationships. The man believes in nothing when you first meet him. By the end, though, in a great example of character growth, without thinking he's actually healed, you can definetely say he sees a way out of his misery. It helped me at the worst time, the absolutely worst and most miserable time in my life.

Relationships are difficult. The closest thing to an actual Act of Faith we can get. Sometimes, they pay off, others not. The important thing to me to remember is to take them as a lesson in how to grow and how to become a better person by learning from my own failiures, irregardless of the circumstances. It can only lead me to future better ones

Thanks for your thoughts R, yes glad you said that, bitter is not quite the right word is it, wearied and reticent are much better.  Never thought or heard a relationship described as an act of faith before, guess they are. I hear what you're saying, yes taking growth is key, finding that growth requires total honesty, Ive definately spent too long looking in the wrong places for it when what I needed was to look within.

 

[user 139760]

Well, to be quite honest, a relationship STARTS within. In order to find, you have to look. But in order to look, you have to figure out exactly what it is you want and how you want it. That starts with looking inside and that takes a while, because we're constantly evolving, changing and (hopefully) growing. Me, for example, who I was 20 years ago is very different from whom I am now, so what I'm looking for is different. That comes through trial and error and takes a good long while.
Relationships, to me, is like making a good pizza (Im serious lol). First time you make it you're real confident, bit cocky, this is gonna be the best thing ever and when you get it out and taste it....ugh, I shouldve eaten my sneakers ;-). But, lessons learned, over time you get netter and better at it. Eventually you find the perfect mix of skills, ingredients and a bit of luck and before you know it...you got a syndicated cooking show on NBC at 2 in between two soaps lol.

There's no real secret. Just time, patience and above all, openess and willingness to try.

 

[Twiggy]

Well, to be quite honest, a relationship STARTS within. In order to find, you have to look. But in order to look, you have to figure out exactly what it is you want and how you want it. That starts with looking inside and that takes a while, because we're constantly evolving, changing and (hopefully) growing. Me, for example, who I was 20 years ago is very different from whom I am now, so what I'm looking for is different. That comes through trial and error and takes a good long while.
Relationships, to me, is like making a good pizza (Im serious lol). First time you make it you're real confident, bit cocky, this is gonna be the best thing ever and when you get it out and taste it....ugh, I shouldve eaten my sneakers ;-). But, lessons learned, over time you get netter and better at it. Eventually you find the perfect mix of skills, ingredients and a bit of luck and before you know it...you got a syndicated cooking show on NBC at 2 in between two soaps lol.

There's no real secret. Just time, patience and above all, openess and willingness to try.

Yeah, I'm kinda always happy with a margeritta, guess that's why not alot changes these days hey, or is it that I dont like to mess with a winning formula? lol

 

[Twiggy]

I'm sorry that you feel disillusioned with relationships.  I agree with @The Real Callie that potentially you haven't really accepted it (that's maybe why you are here posting?),  but maybe there is a part of you that wishes you would accept it!   I think many of us struggle with wanting to hide or quit trying to find real people and just be OK within our own walls, but truly it's a lonely place to be and if we are honest--- not a place where good things are happening in our life.  Community is important.    

Relationships take work.  It's one messy person with baggage connecting with another messy person with baggage.   To some degree, we all have masks and so we have to stick around long enough to be a safe place to let down that mask.   I believe that people change and grow during a friendship/relationship and you have to allow them grace to grow and realize you are growing into a better person as well.   It helps me when I stop assuming the problem is everyone else and I can take a honest look at my life and see changes I need to make.  How negative thinking has caused some behaviors and actions that push people away.  It's up to me to change that or to just  say that if "people can't take it, then I don't need them."   For me, it's a path to a bitter and lonely life.  

I think it's like most things in life that you have to keep trying and not give up.   There are days that it feels awesome and days you want to quit.    There are  weeds out there, so you wade through that, but just be careful to give people a chance.  Maybe we give up too easily.    I think we don't realize that it's not truly easy for most people (especially as we get older) and then we can finally start realizing that we all have to put in a LOT of effort.  It takes time to build a foundation of comfortable friendship and a sense of not taking yourself too seriously.  
My encouragement is to keep trying.  Every day.  Keep trying!  That's what I say about my diet and exercise too!  LOL

Thanks Jax, I need to remind myself that we're all struggling, that no one ever really finds relationships a doddle for sure, I do expect too much sometimes, I like to be treated how I treat others, but this is totally unfair and unrealistic and this does not equate to others being uncaring or wrong at all, I'm not usually this way when I feel well, its only really ever when Ive hit depression after weeks of bed and pain that it occurs, my rationality seems to up and leave for a bit, which it would wouldnt it when in isolated, I become the bear with a sore head, better to retreat to my cave when I feel like this - so I dont offend the people I love.  Seeking support form the kindness of strangers seems to work best for me during these times.  Glad I've found this forum, there's clearly some sound chat on here and some good souls. Thanks for your thoughts. T.x