Sameness

[Coeur]

One thing that always gets me when I try to be more social or socially aware is the sameness.

Group A thinks they're right and Group B is wrong. Group A points to Group B's behavior and scorns it. Group A performs the same behavior but has justifications or ignores it.

Fitting in means pretending I don't see what Group A does and not calling them out on it, or even joining in myself.

That's just the beginning of my deliberate social malfunction. Maybe my issue is that I identify strongly with alexithymia, except for a few key points (see: no imagination). Seeing lists like this just makes me depressed and never want to speak to another human being again, though I'm glad to see that some people are arguing against it.

I don't need other people to make me laugh, affirm me, or be delicate with me like that list suggests. If I don't know them very well, more personal subjects and my emotions are just off-limits. My favorite person in the world who's done the most to boost my self-image is a gifted-IQ computer engineer who frequently proves me wrong in debate. I love connecting over ideas and the vulnerability of being able to be wrong. Having my ideas taken seriously enough to debate is about as self-affirming as it gets.

I don't consider myself a high and mighty intellectual. I don't like learning for the sake of it, I don't think I'm particularly intelligent and don't score high on IQ, and I won't read a big textbook unless I need it for something. I just want to work with the cold, hard facts so that the unpleasantness of the world doesn't bite me in the ass and I can contribute as little as possible to it, and then to be able to warm myself over the fire of human connection. I'm afraid that the fundamental truth of human beings is nothing more than that we seek to create a world that's pleasant and self-affirming above all else.

So, I don't seem to like most people very much, or at least what's required in order to get along with them outside of the workplace. That leaves me with... the Internet, right?

The Internet, where my problems are only as important or worth paying attention to as the number of additional posts, likes, or reps someone can get from responding, perhaps without even reading more than the title. I never felt that "being related to" does much when people don't even address my thoughts or questions.

The Internet, where men only talk to me to ask for pics, cam, or my Facebook, and disappear if they don't get it. I'm only as valuable as what I can offer as a potential mate, even if I've said I'm not interested in more than friends or am not on a dating site. The "engagement" is a lie, by the way, simply meant to get me off their radar because dealing with them makes me depressed.

The Internet, which is one big platform for self-promotion. Post after post after post after post of what that person thinks, feels, likes, or dislikes, often not as part of a bigger train of discussion. How is that supposed to soothe my loneliness?

I spend more time on it than I should.

The only person I truly relate to is just as weird as I am. We haven't spoken for two weeks since she's more of a workaholic than I am and tends to shut herself off to work on creative pursuits. I understand, though. Sometimes I think if we just keep talking, just keep writing and illustrating together, that the work and our intuitive understanding and curiosity about each other is all we need to be content. At least it's one person, plus a few who are considerate towards me and treat me as a friend.

I shouldn't rely on people, though.

Maybe I only need the city, where I exist but don't exist as just a passerby observing as life unfolds and jotting down the stories I see or imagine.