Self-Destructive Friendships

[Bladex1200]

Alright... So this is probably going to be a long post. I dunno why I'm even posting this anyways but here it goes.

So I'm in high school and everyone knows what high school is like right? Everyone's in a clique and has this small group of friends which they guard with intense jealousy - as if these are the only friends they're ever going to have in their entire lives.

Anyways, I'm part of what would be considered the "nerd" clique. Yes, I'm a nerd. I chew through math and biology like its nobody's business. I spend my whole weekend and most of my free time playing video games. I know random, interesting facts that seem to be nice conversation starters.

One problem: the entire nerd clique in my school seems to be self-destructive. We're in such close competition with each other over college opportunities and so worried about our future that we even forget that we're all nerds with things in common. This is probably the only clique in our school that has enemies within - and yes, I'm serious.

So anyways, I'm a freshman but it seems like a lot of people turn to me for help with everything - from homework to social problems to just life in general. What do I get out of this arrangement? Absolutely nothing. If I help them, they treat me like trash. If I don't, they still treat me like trash.

One day I actually broke and called them out on it. I cussed them out and told them that if it wasn't for me helping them they would be nothing right now. I told them that I'd drop my friendships with them in a heartbeat if I wanted to. And then, one of the girls, a really mean one who - now that I look back, I forgot even why I became friends with her - walked up to me and told me, "You wouldn't do that - because I'd kick your ***. Understand, *****?"

From then on I distanced myself from everyone - after all, if people can't find me in school they can't exactly ask me for help, can they? I've decided to screw friendships. I'm gonna make something big of myself, get rich, and then cuss them out on national television and call them out on what they did to me.

But you don't REALLY believe I'd do that, right? No, of course not. Every time I get close to severing ties with my so-called "friends", I reflect on all the good times we had and I go soft. I decide maybe if I stay friends with them things will get better. I'm nearly at the end of my rope with these people and I'm getting increasingly frustrated with their incomprehensible behavior. I've developed a sort-of paranoia - the entire world's out to screw me over, so I have to do my best to return blow for blow at them. Sometimes I'll explode over people I don't even know who were being polite and just needed a little help, and other times I'll explode at my friends and receive a nice, big, punch to the face. Awesome...

 

[FreedomFromLiberty]

One day I actually broke and called them out on it. I cussed them out and told them that if it wasn't for me helping them they would be nothing right now. I told them that I'd drop my friendships with them in a heartbeat if I wanted to. And then, one of the girls, a really mean one who - now that I look back, I forgot even why I became friends with her - walked up to me and told me, "You wouldn't do that - because I'd kick your ***. Understand, *****?"

Sometimes I'll explode over people I don't even know who were being polite and just needed a little help, and other times I'll explode at my friends and receive a nice, big, punch to the face. Awesome...

*** Thread bump. ***

Your friends don't sound like friends at all.

And I definitely know what it's like to be the smart guy who everyone goes to for advice. People just expect you to stop what you're doing, help them, and never bother to see how much that takes away from you or how much trouble you have to go through in order to help them.
It's the EXPECTATION of help that I just can't stand.

I even find that this dynamic seems to play out with my daily work. I'm the smart guy in my work team as well as the smart guy in my family. It's best not to turn down requests for help directly though, because then people will get mad at you. It's best just to say that you will help them, and then never follow through. Seriously. It's a lot harder for people to get angry at your for "forgetting".

 

[jaguarundi]

As far as friends go, you will likely get people telling you to drop them and find new ones, but I myself would not advise that. I have often in my past been touchy and quick to take offence, but the fact is, if you form a habit of dropping people just because you are a bit pissed off with them, you end up with ... no friends! And trust me, it is worse than having ones who sometimes annoy you (within reason anyway).

One of the issues can be that it is hard to speak up about things that irritate us and they build up and build up until you kind of have a huge festering dumpster of issues, and then - it explodes, and whew, garbage everywhere!!

You say that you have good times with your friends, and if that is still the case then focus on what you like about them, and less on what pisses you off. Blow off steam here if you need to when it is all getting too much. High school is a tornado of hormones, peer and social pressures, pressure to achieve... just pressure, really. It isn't only you who feel these things - your friends do too, I'm thinking! If possible, it is good to -calmly- air your issues with your friends. But if you are the kind of person who doesn't like confrontation, then, as FFL says above - just 'forget' to help them from time to time.

A very wise person once said to me that having friends is like driving around a car-park. It all seems fine until you hit a speed-bump. You either have to learn to avoid the bumps, or you have to go really carefully over them. I wish a friend of mine would take more interest in a course I am studying. She won't and never will. So now, I don't mention it because her (lack of) response is a bump I can avoid. I daresay she feels the same about some things in relation to me!

Hope this helps. Oh, and I have to say the whole calling you a ***** thing seems to me to be completely out-of-order, but maybe it's common with young people these days? If not, she is one I would definitely dump. That isn't a speed-bump. That's a freaking concrete wall.....