Shallow Friend

[theglasscell]

I have this good friend who is gay and he's really shallow, not just about guys but girls too.

I feel bad dumping him as a friend because he recently just relapsed on alcohol after a year of being clean and he's working on getting better.

But sometimes I find his over critical attitude about people's looks to wear on me and my self-esteem. Like he always makes a point to bring up that this one guy in our group of friends is so good looking and looks like Johnny Depp and has to point out that I'm not as good looking as the Johnny Depp guy.

He'll be like "Stop getting mad because you're not as good looking as Joey, I didn't say you were bad looking."

But the thing is he thinks any short, really tan guy with dark hair is good looking and any taller white guys aren't so I feel like his view is really biased anyway.

And when I mention other people we know he'll be like "Oh I don't really pay attention to that guy because I only really care what young hot guys think about me."

And it's fine to joke about it but he always whines about people not liking him or how he can't go to parties when there are too many hot young guys because it makes him feel bad because he knows they won't like him.

His whole mindset is really just messing with my head, I try not to be shallow, and I am to some degree just like everyone is but I have actively been trying to get away from that and I'm just really sick of hearing about who is hot and who isn't hot.

I feel like i'm in junior high when I'm with him instead of like a grown man. I feel stupid having conversations about who is hot or why being hot matters so much.

Sorry to ramble, I just feel like my brain is poisoned by hearing all of it.

Especially him always comparing me to others. I'm not gay and I'm just his friend so he doesn't need to be commenting on my looks all the time anyway, I wasn't asking for his opinion.

And he's making me resent my other friend because whenever he's not around he goes on and on about how this guy is so hot and good looking and objectifies him.

This guy is 36 too, I feel like he should have grown out of his shallow phase, he seriously have the mind of a 14 year old. I told him before he relapsed that maybe he should focus on being positive and less shallow and more spiritual about stuff, I am sure his attitude has a lot to do with him turning back to drugs and alcohol.

Worrying about who is hot or not isn't going to help him stay sober, I know that at least. And he's starting to cause me to feel bad enough to want to drink myself.

 

[Lippy_Kid]

Sounds like you've answered your own post really, you known your reasons for keeping your distance from him and they are valid so I wouldn't feel too bad about it.

Might seem selfish but friends are supposed to provide some benefit to you having them, a good friend will tolerate someone's ups and downs but when you litterally can't see why you hang around with someone, and they bring you down you shouldn't feel so bad. I think its good that he is clear on how you feel too, maybe if he hears if from a few more friends and he realises people are losing interest in him as a friend it will make him look a little harder at himself.

 

[theglasscell]

Yeah you're right.

Someone else already told him that they needed a break from him because they found his sense of humor abusive.

But he just made it out like that guy was judging him and being uptight. I'm sure he'll think the same thing of me but there's not much I can do.

 

[Senamian]

I know someone like that - he is not a favorite amongst his "friends". Except maybe those with the same humor, and understanding. I tried, it just... Ugh. I don't like that kind of humor either. Light humor is okay, but not when it begins to abuse other people.

 

[MTrip]

There are better things to do in life than tolerate superficial people. You deserve better friends than that.

 

[Tiina63]

His constant put downs must be hard to live with. Don't feel bad about letting the friendship go. It is clearly affecting you badly and hurting you so much. At times like this, you have to think about yourself and your own needs and feelings.

 

[theglasscell]

Yeah you're right.

I don't get people who insult you or put you down under the guise of humor, then when you complain they say they were just joking and you were being sensitive.

Regardless of whether you are sensitive or not, there's no need to put people down, and it's not usually funny.

That kind of humor usually only works when it's used to put down celebrities who are full of themselves, like when they made fun of Barbra Streisand's face on "South Park", but even then it's one of the least funniest forms of humor.

I am gonna avoid him as much as I can, I was supposed to go to a party for my other friend on Saturday so I can't avoid him then, but after that I'm not talking to him for a few weeks.

Shallow people in general just get on my nerves.

I get sick of seeing Men's Health whenever I'm in the pharmacy and it's like "How To Get Big Arms Fast", does having big arms really matter that much?

Ugh.

 

[Iceman1978]

He sounds like a very sad person.

 

[theglasscell]

He is very sad actually. That's why it's hard to just dump him as a friend.

He relapsed recently and by relapse I mean drinking nearly to the point of death within a few hours.

I know that gay culture tends to be more shallow in general also, so that could be part of it. They are usually much more focused on youth and looks than in straight dating.

But not all of them are, I have met several that aren't hung up on it like the way he is.

I was pissed off at him for relapsing too, I mean everyone had a big dinner at a nice restaurant to celebrate him having a year clean.

And realistically being clean off drugs and alcohol isn't really a thing most people would give you a party for. It's nice to do it but it's not like he accomplished some big feat. I am gonna be clean that long too and I'm happy that I quit, but I don't need a big party or reward for it. Not being sick is a reward in itself.

But a few days after the dinner he just went back out, even though he had close to a hundred people he could have called at any time to help him keep sober, he called the one guy he knew he wanted to go out drinking.