Shallow Friendships

[TheSolitaryMan]

This has been sort of explored before in threads I believe, but I wanted to put my personal experience on it. Do you ever find yourself behind kind of this invisible glass barrier when it comes to friends? I know I certainly do and it's so frustrating.

I've had 3 really "good" friends in my whole life: A, B and C.

A turned into an arrogant, abusive git and disappeared.

B and C both went to Universities miles away and I rarely see them now.

Everyone else I've known, male or female, is just kind of in a different zone to me.

Perfect example is my old secondary school. I got picked on a lot because I was a nice person, but at the same time loads of people liked me for the same reason. I have photos of whole bunches of seemingly nice girls that wanted to have their picture with me, friendly guys who wanted to hang out with me, everyone in general spoke highly of me and I got this "award" at the end of school for "Nicest Person"

So why did they never talk to me outside of school? I went to one small social event in the whole of my teenage life and that was it, because no one ever invited me to any others. I never got anyone's phone number, never got asked for mine and in general people just forgot I existed after the end of the working day.

It struck me today that I haven't spoken to anyone other than my family for 3 months straight now and I started wondering if that's psychologically healthy.

Every now and then I get so down because it just feels like no one could give a **** about me, despite outward appearances. As dark as it sounds, I once theorised that if I were to disappear off the face of the planet tomorrow, only two people outside my immediate family would even notice.

Perhaps it's because I'm not in with the drinking/pickup culture everyone else enjoys? I don't know. But it feels like I go through life picking up lots of people with big smiles and sincere tones, but no actual substance behind that facade at all.

I think it's one of the reasons I wish so much that I had the balls to ask a girl out, because perhaps a girlfriend would have a shred of loyalty to me as opposed to all my old "friends."

Even now, I feel like that pattern's repeating itself. I'm again becoming that lovely guy that becomes a ghost at weekends.

Ahhhh. I'm sorry guys. I feel weak for ranting like this, I should have more guts than to get so down...but sometimes it really gets to me. I cannot talk to anyone about this - I don't even have the phone numbers to have a meaningless chat with "friends".

 

[Nitramici]

Did you ask your friends their phone numbers? Or propose to them some activities? I rarely did stuff with my old friends either, I'm not all that social, but when I DID ask them if they felt like coming over or something, I don't remember ever hearing a straight "no". Same thing with phone numbers (though I didn't even have a cellphone (and still don't), so replace that with "email address" or something).

And don't feel too bad about it, I bet there were other people just like you in your classes in school. It's just that we tend to only notice the outgoing ones.

 

[Vagrant Legacy]

I sure as hell know how that feels. Always being the nice guy, and never being invited to ANYTHING. It sucks big time, and I too have often asked myself why nobody wants me around, but haven't found an answer so far. I do, however, think that there are people out there who are in need of people such as you and I, and once you'd find one of those, you'd be good for quite some time.. but it's just a matter of finding such people that makes it hard.

 

[Ak5]

I don't have a lot of experience with friends and stuff, since I have 4 years without one. Feel free to ignore me lol

In life, you need moderation. You are too nice. You are too selfless. People are generally selfish. You have to have a balance of selfishness and selflessness, the same as with confidence, you can't be arrogant and you can't be under-confident; people will use you, and that is what happened.

You are like a person giving away free money to poor people who never even tried to get a job. Sure they're thankful, but do they really care about you? No.

Your like a piece of finger-food at a party, a big bowl that everyone can take from, no questions asked.

That is what you are to them! Something that they use. I need homework help, SolitaryMan! I need lunch money, SolitaryMan! I want to vent, SolitaryMan! I want to feel good, SolitaryMan! I want to go and have fun, my friends, and not SolitaryMan!

If you do things for them, and never ask them for their number or to hang out or anything, that's what you become. Ask them for their number or ask them to go somewhere with you. The most logical thing is that they'll say yes, since you've helped them so much already.

 

[RJLJD]

adding on to this^
i agree entirely, and that's the first step. its about creating value for yourself. you're initial value is that you've helped people and are nice. now you need to build on that. be engaging, be interesting, give them reason after that initial time to want to continue to socialize with you. why do i spend time with my friends? because we like the same things and they are funny and they feel the same about me. we provide value and entertainment for each other.
you just have to find your nitch if you haven't yet.

 

[freedom]

yeah, i know what that's like. i used to be this "nice guy" that everybody liked, but then i realized that nice guys really do finish last. there's more to that saying than meets the eye, or ear, but you'll never know it until you've actually been there.

i think that our culture is so saturated with different notions of what constitutes a friendship between two people, that we have no real conviction in friendship. it's just like, "oh, i'm friends with this person because we have this in common, but not with that person even though we also have this in common". i'm probably not making any sense to anyone, but that's just the way that i see it.

 

[blackhole]

So why did they never talk to me outside of school?

because, unfortunately, most people are selfish.

"being nice" is of what use to them?

people use people.

you need to be of use.

 

[floffyschneeman]

hmmm. I have this feeling that whatever things going on inside me, other people are going through the same. If I am shy to approach people, people are shy to approach me too. I often have people I talk to say things like, ''I wanted to talk to you before, but I was just shy as you seemed too aloof''.

Sometimes, it's not about people being users and heartless beings, it could be that they're just like you.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

On the other end of the spectrum.

errr...I had chick that would never give me time of the day during school hours.
But they would go skinny dipping with me or sit on my lap during a kegger party.
Goodie too shoes church going girls.

Something about those nice, pretty, snotty, church gils having to keep
a socail image during day light hours. When the full moon raises the wild beast come out in them.

Not all of them where like that...but the ones that where like that..kind da lived
a double life. i was a head banging dude with her down to my ass dressed in rags...
That was the image I put on. My sisters on the other hand where social butterflies, popular,
cheer leader, class presidents, the pretty girls that guys chases after...
Same household, same parents...just different image kids do while in HS.

Thats how it is with me...even in adulthood. The shallow stuff is not significent anymore.
I go out with business or professional women. They all dress classy and have thier set
of friends or the so call cummunity standings.

Even though I career is in business managment.
It's always fucken cascaul friday for me.lmao I'm a T-shirt, jeans guy.
Pleted pants and a fucken neck tie that feels like its choking me all day...f that.lmao

So when people sees me out in public having lunch with the women I've been with...
We look like the fucken odd couple.lol
I mean... it's odd looking enough to see an asain dude with a hot white chick.
It's even more odd that I dress like a fucken skater dude and she's wearing her business dress.hahahaa
Poeple stair...stair at us.
To add more oddness or **** with peoples head...I'll act out sometimes.
Sometimes the women will kick me and tell me to knock it off.
Other times it's just hariouse ****..she just has to laugh.
Not so much that's she's laugh at me...she's laughing with me..
Becuase people get all cuaght up in being shallow or not shallow its fucken retarded.

Like 4 dudes having a lunch time suasage fest all dress in their business suit
and I'm sitting with a drop dead gorgeous woman...
Dude are stairs and stairs @ my woman. And i went to school with some of those dudes.hahahaha

Maybe some people are just trying to keep up thier social image outside of school?
I mean...theer's people i work with...but I wouldnt wanna hang out with them after work.
I get alone with them while I am at work cuase I have to work with them. Makes life easier while were working.
Plus i do crazy **** sometime...people at my work thinks I'm a bit too wild for them.
It's nothing personal......

I mean lets say I ask you to go hang out @ a bar or night club...
So I'm just flriting or miggling with women, chit chating wirh complete stranger sometimes.
If you're shy..you're just going to sit at on a bar stool and stair at the walls...while I'm
either dancing with the women or playing pool with them.
Even if strangers did started talking to you...becuase you're shy..you think chit chating about
whatever the **** non intelligent conversation that's dosnt really mean anything would sound shallow as ****.
We're just there to have a good time and hang out for a few hours...it's not a big deal.
Plus if a chick wanna take me home with her...I'll have to ditch your ass. LOL

It has nothing to do with wheather you think you're a nice guy or not...
U need to let go of the idea that only jerks get women.
Women likes me becuase I am a nice guy. I'm just more easy going and relaxed.
I like you women. i respect them. I dont think you're dumb blondes bimbos...
Starmter than them or better than them....this makes me more approch able.
I'm on the same wave lenth as them. Plus i think the're sexy.
All women wants to feel she's sexy. Makes them feel good about themselves.
I mean women dont wanna hear about how fucken smart or talented i am. (they find that out later)
It's like me being stuck on myself. A lot of it is women actaully do most of the talking than me. LOL
Learn how to be a good listener and just build repore with her....Thats how she lets you in and get to know her.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

So why did they never talk to me outside of school?

because, unfortunately, most people are selfish.

"being nice" is of what use to them?

people use people.

you need to be of use.

Quite possibly the most depressing response I've ever read, but perhaps it's a needed dose of reality

hmmm. I have this feeling that whatever things going on inside me, other people are going through the same. If I am shy to approach people, people are shy to approach me too. I often have people I talk to say things like, ''I wanted to talk to you before, but I was just shy as you seemed too aloof''.

Sometimes, it's not about people being users and heartless beings, it could be that they're just like you.

I don't know. I get the impression that blackhole is perhaps closer to the mark, sadly. These people weren't shy at all, quite the opposite.

Unfortunately, I don't want to be someone I'm not. That means I don't talk vacuous **** to my guy friends about celebrities I don't care about or say "Dudddddddddde" a lot. I guess that's why I'm not a "socially wanted" person

Maybe if I was born in the '50s, things would've been better. Anyone got a time machine?

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Well dude...here's another thing about not CHANGING or growning.
A nuratic personally is a person that never change

You can kind da take that not wanting to be someone your not to the extreem.

You're smart enough to know we all have our assets and liablities.
If shyness is your liablity and what's blocking you from getting what you want out of life.
You might wanna take that into considerations about changing that part about you.
You can still be shy...but what If you can be out going too?
You dont have to be a social butterfly or the center of attention.
You simply just gatta have social SKILLS.
Social skills is like any other skills. It can be learned and obtained.

You're getting into another moral delimma discussion. It just gose in circles.
It dosnt improve your social skills...other than you have something in common with people with the same view piont as you. LMAO
It's like one those discussions dudes in a suasage fest might talk about,,aT end of the night..you're not getting the results you want.
If you're not getting what you want...it's a fucken mute piont.LOL

 

[floffyschneeman]

I don't know. I get the impression that blackhole is perhaps closer to the mark, sadly. These people weren't shy at all, quite the opposite.

Unfortunately, I don't want to be someone I'm not. That means I don't talk vacuous **** to my guy friends about celebrities I don't care about or say "Dudddddddddde" a lot. I guess that's why I'm not a "socially wanted" person

Maybe if I was born in the '50s, things would've been better. Anyone got a time machine?

It's easier to think what Blackhole said is always right. When we feel we are not wanted, we almost always go the path of ''who cares? they are shallow anyway''. Yet we do care. Although I know there are heartless people who will use you, but I don't think everyone is as heartless as that. what I wanna say is that, how can you be appealing to people as a friend if you have the attitude of ''I am better than you are''. I am not saying that you have that attitude, but by always thinking people are heartless pigs, that can easily be misconstrued. There are nice people out there, they are struggling with their own issues too but when they are at their best, they can be real friends. It's just a matter of extending an extra effort to get to know people before we make a decision to brand them as users. For example, there is someone who is going through the same struggle as you, would you ever know he is also waiting for a genuine friend, if you are waiting for him to say the first hi?

Also, being friends with people doesn't mean changing your self to their liking, that's the common misconception most people have nowadays that I think is one of the cause why we are so indifferent towards each other causing us to be isolated. being friends with people is finding a common ground where in you can both be yourselves but still enjoy each other's company. you never know the guy who says dude a lot are also interested in art and history or maybe the things you like.

we are all broken people and we have our own ways to cope with things, It maybe putting an emo aura, it maybe saying dude all the the time, it maybe pretending who we are not, but in reality, people who conform to society most of the times are people who are also afraid to show who they really are. Those people are the ones in desperate need of genuine friendship. But if we let their surface cloud our mind to judge them as shallow and users, what are we contributing to the world? We want to have friends, yet we can't even say ''hi''

I'm rambling now but it just makes me sad how the world works now. Anyway, my point is, just give people a little chance to show their good sides. All we need is a bit of kindness, but if we keep on waiting for others to give it to us, we're just prolonging our struggle. I hope you can find a real honest to goodness friend. ^^

 

[blackhole]

Quite possibly the most depressing response I've ever read, but perhaps it's a needed dose of reality

every cloud has its silver lining.

not everyone is like what i said. there are good people. they are few and far between.

here is the silver lining:

once you start seeing what nasty pigs people are (a tad depressing), you also develop the ability to see (in an unfiltered fashion) the truly wonderful people.

look for those people!