She makes me feel worthless

[shells]

There is no eloquent way to put it. My grandmother makes me feel worthless. She constantly criticizes everything I do from how fat I am getting, to my grades, to stupid little things like my ****** penmanship, getting called a 'slob' for accidentally spilling milk. I want to be angry, but it just ends up backfiring on me. I feel self-hatred for myself.

I realize I can't blame her completely for my lack of confidence, my self-hatred started years ago. And from it, I developed an eating disorder and have made an effort to recover these past few months. She just keeps adding fuel to the fire. I don't think I have a chance of overcoming this battle anymore. All I want to do is disappear.

I've always been sensitive. She says that I'm "not tough enough" for the real world. Maybe she's right. Everything she does to me translates to "you're just not good enough."

After losing my mom at sixteen, and dad to his insanity, I would say that I'm more grown up than most eighteen-year-olds my age. I've attended two years of college while still in high school, maintained decent grades, participated in two national honor societies, and been a varsity athlete for four years. I know it sounds like I'm gloating here, but why can't she recognize how far I have come?

I am human, and my feelings get hurt. I often laugh and shrug it off. Later, I'll end up tossing ideas around in my head on how to end my life, and then crying myself to sleep. I'm not made of stone, even though I pretend I am.

 

[Samuel]

You are worth every cent, and for you to take that away from everyone around you... I don't want to imagine.

No matter how hard life is you can achieve anything! You can earn the respect from your grand mother, you can have a excellent relationship, it's not impossible!

I have had a bad start with one of my work mates giving me **** for all the little bad things I do for the past 2 years. I know deep down he loves me, he is just showing it in a inappropriate way. He is slowly accepting me for who I am and how I operate, that's what I am working towards.
It won't happen over night. I know you have the power to do it, stay strong!

The world loves you, don't think about taking yourself away from us now (((((((((((((HUGZZZ!!!!!)))))))))))))))

Samuel

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I know what you mean Shell.
My father makes me feel exactly the sameway.
For a better part of my life I've seek approval from the man.
All I ever wanted from him was for him to love me as his son.
Nothing absolutely nothing I accomplished in my life was good enough for him.
He had never said anything nice to me.

It's difficult becuase I love my father...but he is poison to me.
Whats more difficult is for me to change my belive or thinking (de-programmed myself).
It effected me in so many ways. My self esteem is very low becuase of it.
Taking myself out of the victim role hasn't been easy. It effects my relationship with other people in my life
and how I percieve life

I can't change my father..I can only change myself.
I'm trying to get well. I hasn't been the esiest thing in the world.
I cant or even go into blaming my father anymore becuase all that dose is keep me in the old sick cycle.


It is why I love my duaghter unconditionally and I love myself unconditionally.
I wanted to give my daughter and I something I didn't have. A loving relationship between a father and his child.
I'm very grateful my daughter reaches out to me...talks to me about anything..whatever her problems or challenges in life is.
She knows I love her and I show it.

I'm not my father..I want nothing to be like him.

Well...you know how I don't give a **** what other people thinks or say about me?
Me getting well starts with me not giving a **** what my father thinks or say about me. It starts with the people closest to me or my love ones.
I had to work thorugh a lot of guilt and shame that was ingrained in me...
but the more I practice and not worry so much what my father thinks or say about me...the better I get.

be well

 

[SophiaGrace]

Shells I dont understand why your grandmother does this. Honestly, it sounds like verbal abuse. Perhaps your successes make her feel inferior, so she constantly criticizes everything you do.

*hug*

 

[Minus]

There are some people who are just critical and hard to be around. I don't know if she is just this way towards you or if she talks about everyone that way. Unfortunately it is most hurtful to those that already question their self worth.

Weight, penmanship, spilled milk, they are not a reflection of your worth. Yes it is still painful to hear someone constantly criticize the trivial. I imagine that i would hate to hear how she would handle a real mistake that rose above the trivial.

I suspect that us here see greater value in you than you often acknowledge about yourself. I just wish there was some way to show you that value.

 

[Buzzer]

please dont let other people make you feel worthless it is usually their insecuriies being projected onto you no doubt she is jealous and regarding your eating disorder my girlfriend is going thru the same so if u want to chat pm me and i can direct you to lots of helpfull places

 

[VanillaCreme]

You. Are so. Not fat. Maybe she's crossed-eyed or something.... Because you're just not. Not even sort of kinda. Just no.

But don't let her get to you. You're such a beautiful person. Someone, whether it be you or someone else, needs to tell her that she can't do that to someone. She's breaking you down just adding fuel to the fire, and that's not good. Someone needs to get it across to her. And she should be thankful to have a granddaughter so beautiful. Daughters and granddaughters are to be treasured and cherished. She should be spending quality time you with, instead of trying to bring you down.

 

[Badjedidude]

**** her, shells.

Some people are just nasty people by nature. Even family.

Just take what she says with a grain of salt and understand that she probably doesn't feel very good about herself for some reason. Hell, who really knows what kind of baggage their grandparents carry? I'd say you should just do your best to ignore her.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I'd have to agree with that. Some people are just nasty. And there's nothing anyone can do. My aunt is like that. It doesn't even matter what you do or don't do for her, she's just like that. And it's sad, because I'll miss out on a very other-wise awesome aunt. I was the only girl for years between my cousin, my brother and myself, and she made me feel like I didn't have to do just boyish things all the time.

Same with your grandmother. You'll both miss out on things. She shouldn't take it for granted. I don't have my grandmother anymore, and I know I'm missing out on so much with her.

 

[SophiaGrace]

But don't let her get to you. You're such a beautiful person. .

I agree (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((shells)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[NightHawkJohn]

I am sorry to hear she makes you feel like that.

It is hard to put up with people being negative about everything you do, but you have to see that she does not see you correctly.

I would guess she has some issues with her self and is making you feel bad for that, or she is just an ******* that likes to make you feel bad about yourself.

I have people constantly criticise me for anything i do and its hard to keep picking yourself up and trying to feel better about yourself so i do understand what your going through.
I have felt like killing myself many times and attempted it once for real when i went past the point i could deal with life, but i was lucky and i was unharmed.

I don't know you, but i feel like your a good person so try to keep going in life even when its hard, don't let someone else take you life from you.

I hope some of that made sense, i felt like i had to say something but my mind is all over the place at the moment so i may not be making much sense.

 

[Luna]

You're beautiful.
♥♥♥♥♥

 

[dead]

shells, you know - i wonder if our parents/family know just how much pain they cause.
and... i wonder if they do it to show that they can influence, or out of sheer desire to make us better people.

i don't know.

all i can say is that i understand. please know though that it means nothing. you are a wonderful person, no matter what anyone, even your family may say or think.

 

[shells]

Thank you everyone, for the replies.

Sometimes it's hard to go back and read threads like this. It really exposes a vulnerable side of me, and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I just feel hopeless and emotionally defeated, but I still appreciate everyone's responses. I know it's frustrating when you take the time to post, and the OP doesn't seem to care or take the time to truly acknowledge them. I hope each of you know I do care and have taken the time to read each one of your replies.

 

[Badjedidude]

I know it's frustrating when you take the time to post, and the OP doesn't seem to care or take the time to truly acknowledge them. I hope each of you know I do care and have taken the time to read each one of your replies.

Thank you for thanking us, I guess.

 

[shells]

She scheduled her cataract surgery (two weeks in advanced) on my birthday, tomorrow. Mind you, she's a manager where she works and can take a day off whenever she feels fit. Her boyfriend is leaving for Detroit (also planned two weeks in advanced), leaving me to take care of her.

She missed my senior awards night for work, when I come to find out that they didn't really need her there that night.

Can't say I'd be too surprised if she missed my graduation. The only reason why she'd come is, not because she wanted to, but because she feels she has to redeem herself for missing my mother's graduation.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Well, she just doesn't seem to care at all. About anything other than what she's interested in. That's a bad way to be for anyone.

 

[FreedomFromLiberty]

There is no eloquent way to put it. My grandmother makes me feel worthless. She constantly criticizes everything I do from how fat I am getting, to my grades, to stupid little things like my ****** penmanship, getting called a 'slob' for accidentally spilling milk. I want to be angry, but it just ends up backfiring on me. I feel self-hatred for myself.

..........

I am human, and my feelings get hurt. I often laugh and shrug it off. Later, I'll end up tossing ideas around in my head on how to end my life, and then crying myself to sleep. I'm not made of stone, even though I pretend I am.

Yer grandma's friggin' nuts! You sound like an accomplished and disciplined person to me. Not everyone is perfect and you shouldn't have to be. And no, for sure, the world is not fair, but that doesn't give her the right to be an ******* to you. She is probably a lot like my dad: the ONLY way he knows how to communicate with people criticism and yelling. Communication that is calm, collected, respectful, and caring of the other person makes them feel emotionally vulnerable. She must have been hurt a lot in her life.

 

[shells]

Well, she just doesn't seem to care at all. About anything other than what she's interested in. That's a bad way to be for anyone.

It's a hard pill to swallow, I guess.

I was right. Today she said she wouldn't bother coming if my Aunt was going to be there. I just told her she doesn't have to come if she doesn't want to. She also made up excuses about work. At least I'm getting a little wiser about her antics.

For the most part, I'm done. She'll fly to Idaho for a week to see my cousin's graduation while sitting in a high school gymnasium, on an uncomfortable bench, next to my cousin's mother who nearly ruined her son's (my uncle's) life. My cousin barely passed senior year due to the fact she got knocked up, got in fights, and all of this other ****. Yet, she can't come to my graduation in the same city that she lives in, where she'd be sitting in a nice arena with comfortable chairs, and probably wouldn't even have to see a glimpse of my aunt anywhere. Amazing.

**** it. I wish I hadn't decided to walk for graduation. So much petty emotional **** that I didn't need to get myself involved with. At the same time, I am going to walk for my mom. She sacrificed so much for me.
That's the only way I can get through this. Sometimes that's the only way I can live day to day without not wanting to kill myself.

I need to get out of here.

 

[Badjedidude]

I wish I hadn't decided to walk for graduation.

I'm not walking for my college graduation. **** that; I don't know my class mates, I don't care about having pictures taken or anything. It's just a lot easier and faster to get the diploma through the mail.

I need to get out of here.

Sooooon. Every day is one less that you have to endure. Just hang in there; you'll make it.