should i try harder with my crush or leave it

[soccer7]

Hi everyone, i'm new to this forum and just want to ask for some advice.

Here's my situation, i'm 32 years old male, i don't have any degree or qualifications and was living at home just 3 months earlier. I work in Woolworths supermarket as a cashier just 2 days a week, and in a liquor store for 1 day a week. So basically only work 3 days (19 hours) a week. I only have 1000 dollars in my bank, most of which will be gone come October because of my car insurance. 

I've been depress for a while and trying to summon the energy to change my life so i can be happier and fit in with everyone else. I've made some big strides starting this year after listening to some very good motivational audiobooks, I now work harder at work and enjoy my work as a result, I recently moved out of my parent's house and started renting to be more independent. Ever since then I've become more self sufficient and feel a lot more confident. I've also been back to the gym now for the past 2 months consistently now working out to lose some weight and tone myself up. I already lost 2 kg and still want to lose another 6kg so i can be 64kg (i just want to lose belly fat and at 64 it looks good). I'm happier than I've been before. 

Now here where things start change, there's this new girl that was transferred over from the city to work in my department as a training supervisor and she is so friendly and wonderful that eventually i fell for her, she is cute and so nice to me. She's been here for a few months and just a fortnight ago i asked for her facebook and became friends. Then just last week i summoned the courage and when we were alone i told her that i think she is very cute, she brushed it off as a joke saying she's too fat and tried to walk away, but came back to explain something so i said "how about a coffee sometimes?" she once again just walked away brushing it off as a joke. BTW she's not fat, she is fit and skinny. I've been very energetic and joking with everyone at work the whole day so i thought maybe she got thought i was just joking with her too. So i thought when she comes back i'm going to tell her straight that i'm really serious about it. But when she came back she said something to me that i missed, so i asked what she said and she said " i'm taken silly, but thank you, i'm really flattered". I felt a bit torn but just played it cool, i smiled and said "oh ok, that's alright, all good, no worries ". 

Then after a while she said "hey i have a twin sister i could introduce you to" to which i replied "ummm, wow that's very nice of you, i appreciated that, but you know what; i'm good i'm good, thanks anyways ". She then insisted "no it ok, i'll bring her in one day and you can get to know her". I politely replied with "but i don't really know her... ". Anyways long story short she just insisted once again and i just said alright. I haven't meet the twin yet but makes me nervous thinking about it. 

From her facebook i found out that she works at google - not sure why she's working at my small woolworths store if she has a job at google, and that she seems single, even though she told me she's taken, but whatever, the truth still remains that she's not interested. She also has her own shop/store and has like 5000 friends. Seeing all this i just feel so intimidated by her accomplishments and social status. I don't have much friends, and i certainly don't have much money. but i still like her because of her personality and kind friendly nature. I tried but find it hard not to think about her most of time. Her presence has really motivated me to get out there and work harder and get serious with my career and future, which i am, but it takes time and i don't think i can catch up in time.

So knowing who i am and who she is, should i continue to try to impress her somehow or just move on and distant myself from her. 
Trying to get close to her and being friendly with her hoping somehow she would change her mind about me and give me a chance is gonna be painful, its like the cookie jar on the roof (roof because she seems so out of reach for someone like me). 
At the same time distancing myself from her and trying to avoid her is also painful because will miss her so much. 

I don't know what to do and can't decide, can someone please help me.

p.s. sorry for the long post but i just really want to be thorough.

 

[michael2]

It might be hard, but I would just become neutral to her. I wouldnt go out of my way to impress her or distance myself from her. Just see her has another person, which is alot easier said then done.

It looks very likely shes looking for a guy with social status and wealth. If the thing with her wanting to introduce you to her sister is legit, its not you she doesnt like as a person, but your social/economic status. Shes not worth your time if thats her primary issue with you.

This is my opinion, I never liked the idea of chasing someone who showed they arent interested. You already put yourself out there and made the first move, she essentially said no, so just leave it at that. If theres any change in the status between you two, it should come from her.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Okay, first...not everyone on facebook flashes their relationships around. Just because it doesn't say she's in a relationship doesn't mean she isn't. Take her at her word, she knows how you feel, she knows how to find you. I would back off romantically and just be her friend.

It looks very likely shes looking for a guy with social status and wealth. If the thing with her wanting to introduce you to her sister is legit, its not you she doesnt like as a person, but your social/economic status. Shes not worth your time if thats her primary issue with you.

I'm sorry, how the hell did you come to this conclusion? There's nothing in that post that would indicate anything dealing with her being shallow. For ****'s sake, she works what sounds like THREE jobs. Sounds like she's independent and doesn't need a damn man to support her.

 

[soccer7]

Thanks 'Michael2' and 'theRealCallie'; you both think its better that i should just be neutral and just be her friend, i think your both right, as hard as it is i think i need to keep trying to stop thinking about her and stay away from her facebook page. Today i worked with her and at first things were a bit awkward but eventually we were back to normal again, like as if nothing had happen.

I still can't get her out of my head, but i feel with time i will be OK again. thanks so much for your advice guys, i was gloomy the whole week and couldn't even wholeheartedly enjoy my birthday because i just kept thinking about her and how i can't hold her hand. But i feel a lot better now, thanks guys.

Although i have just one question left, if you were me would you date anyone? as you know i'm in my early thirties and still don't have any stable career, would dating be a bad idea at this point?

 

[michael2]

Okay, first...not everyone on facebook flashes their relationships around.  Just because it doesn't say she's in a relationship doesn't mean she isn't.  Take her at her word, she knows how you feel, she knows how to find you.  I would back off romantically and just be her friend.  

It looks very likely shes looking for a guy with social status and wealth.  If the thing with her wanting to introduce you to her sister is legit,  its not you she doesnt like as a person, but your social/economic status.  Shes not worth your time if thats her primary issue with you.  

I'm sorry, how the hell did you come to this conclusion?  There's nothing in that post that would indicate anything dealing with her being shallow.  For ****'s sake, she works what sounds like THREE jobs.  Sounds like she's independent and doesn't need a damn man to support her.

Oh Im not insisting she wants a man to take care of her financially.  Im suggesting shes looking for a man with similar social and economic status because when her friends (who likely have similar social/economic status) say oh what does your boyfriend do etc she wants to be able to brag. Im assuming this because A. she already has a high economic and social status, and most people at that point want others with high economic and social status, and B. apparently shes OK with him dating her sister,  so obviously she thought he was a good guy, just not good enough for her due to other reasons. 

 And of course shes a woman, so she probably has several guys asking her out a month, so she can afford to be picky because it wont be long before theres the next guy giving her a chance.  To be fair, I knew handsome guys who were picky, refused to date/give a chance to girls with 'lower' jobs like waitresses.  But to be that picky as a guy you either have to be very handsome or the so called 'alpha male' that everyone wants to be with due to your bravado. 

Thanks 'Michael2' and 'theRealCallie'; you both think its better that i should just be neutral and just be her friend, i think your both right, as hard as it is i think i need to keep trying to stop thinking about her and stay away from her facebook page. Today i worked with her and at first things were a bit awkward but eventually we were back to normal again, like as if nothing had happen.

I still can't get her out of my head, but i feel with time i will be OK again. thanks so much for your advice guys, i was gloomy the whole week and couldn't even wholeheartedly enjoy my birthday because i just kept thinking about her and how i can't hold her hand. But i feel a lot better now, thanks guys.

Although i have just one question left, if you were me would you date anyone? as you know i'm in my early thirties and still don't have any stable career, would dating be a bad idea at this point?

If I were you would I date anyone?  I would say yes.  Because you have to be wary of falling into the trap of wanting to have the perfect circumstances before thinking about a relationship.  You said your trying to improve yourself physically and financially, which is great,  so your not idle your moving forward.  Your circumstances can be very, very different 6-12 months from now if you continue to push hard for self improvement.

 Maybe you need a little bit more time to get you feet under you, but I dont see why in the near future you couldnt move forward when dating someone, in fact that might be extra motivation.  I know my brother lost his job while dating and his girlfriend really rode him hard about finding work until he did.  Im not sure he would have found work as quickly if he didnt have her there pushing him.

 

[TheRealCallie]

She said she's taken....that indicates a damn good reason why she said no.

 

[Celt]

She seems like a really nice person. Don't chase her it'll do your head in and alienate her. At the moment you have a friendly relationship, that's all and that's a good thing.

 

[soccer7]

Thanks Celt, i totally agree with you, me and her have a good friendship going on and i'll leave it at that. Basically my mind has given up on chasing after her, but my heart is still a bit clingy, but eventually i'll make it so that i'm so busy i won't have time to think about her. I'm going to occupy my time with so much work to improve my finances and skills, at the same time i can meet new people and overcome my lifelong fear of the trying new things. I'm very excited for what's to come for myself

If I were you would I date anyone? I would say yes. Because you have to be wary of falling into the trap of wanting to have the perfect circumstances before thinking about a relationship. You said your trying to improve yourself physically and financially, which is great, so your not idle your moving forward. Your circumstances can be very, very different 6-12 months from now if you continue to push hard for self improvement.

Maybe you need a little bit more time to get you feet under you, but I dont see why in the near future you couldnt move forward when dating someone, in fact that might be extra motivation. I know my brother lost his job while dating and his girlfriend really rode him hard about finding work until he did. Im not sure he would have found work as quickly if he didnt have her there pushing him.

I was already on the path to self improvement before meeting her, but failing to date her really pushed me to try even harder, to the point where i had to push past my fear of trying new things and think on my own. I'm so glad she came along, the only time i really made leaps and strides towards self improvement i noticed is when i have a crush on someone and realizing i can't reach any of my crushes being the person i am now, so i try very hard to improve.

I'm thinking i might just give myself some time to get the ball rolling far enough before jumping back into dating, i'm guessing about 6 months, because by then i'll have a lot more going for me, i want to work at least 40 hours a week, and study at the same time. Thanks again for your reply michael2.

 

[Xpendable]

"I can't understand how you guys (men) can feel sexually or romantically attracted to someone else... it escapes me" (referring to individuals of other inclinations as well)

That's my crush. What a life.

 

[blessedby4]

I don’t know about pursuing that girl, but I once read that if you pray more, you’ll worry less.  Do you have a faith system? Having one can help you get difficult situations and can bring “a peace that surpasses all understanding.”  Heart ache, and emotions of all kinds can keep me from thinking clearly.  Oftentimes I can even get paralyzed in thought, and not make any decision, because of my confusion.  Those emotional rollercoasters, cause me to feel disheveled, and off center.  But when I read a verse like this: “Call on Me (God) and I will show you great and mighty things that you do not know” gives me cause to hope.

 

[Drew]

So my advice, just be a normal friend to her. And don't be that guy that is her really good friend in the hopes that when she breaks up with whomever, that she will go out with you. I've never met anyone that that actually happened for. If you keep waiting for her, you'll close yourself off to other possibilities. On that note...

You are doing really great and making great strides in changing your life. It is very difficult to do such things and even though I don't know you, I am proud of what you have accomplished. I see no reason why you shouldn't date, but dating does cost money. There are all kinds of inexpensive things you can do to reduce the costs, but in the end, it is going to cost you. Keep doing a good job. Heck, the one thing you can do with this friend, you said she was a training supervisor, see if she can get you more hours. See if she can put in a good word with your supervisors.

Again, you are doing great. Don't let your desire to be with this lady cause you to falter. Us men folk, we do stupid things in the hopes of winning the hand of a fair maiden.

 

[soccer7]

Thanks Drew, i'm kinda over her now, i still have weak lingering feelings but its OK, i know they will also leave due in time, plus because of a medical reason i can't work this week and hence don't even see her this week so it helps me to get over her even faster.

I have been working hard to change my life and even on my most depressed days when i used to think of how i can not get to hold her hand i still endured and never stopped doing the things i had to do like gyming, searching for new jobs and keeping myself busy. I'm very glad and proud of myself for allowing myself to submerge in the pain but preserver and kept on moving. After about 2 weeks suddenly i felt like the worst is over, i felt like a bird that was release from its caged, a caged i flew in and closed the door on myself, there was never any locks and so when i was ready i left the cage and the pain behind.

When we like someone we tend to get tunnel vision, and our desire to be with them just blocks out everything else, and saying to ourselves that if we don't get that girl/guy then we can not be happy, but i broke the tunnel and saw joy that other things in life was offering me, now we are just friends, nothing awkward or anything, its all good, my focus is back on track with my personal development, my passion and excitement for life has reignited and the flames are stronger than ever. I really appreciated yours and others kind advice to help me through my tough times. Lets all work hard to become the better stronger versions of ourselves