Sociopathic Dad

[SophiaGrace]

Ok, I need advice.

I have a situation on my hands which is frustrating the hell out of me and I dont know what to do. It's a pretty serious situation too.

My dad is a sociopath (which is the older and more easily recognized term of Anti Social Personality Disorder).

This means he is incapable of empathy and loving other people. Instead, he finds joy in smashing others down emotionally, breaking them down inside and outside. He beat my mom, molested me. He also beat his first wife.

Instead of loving, he relates to others by seeing them as objects. "Oh this person makes me look good" (like a shiney new car). But he also enjoys dating women who are very successful, and then methodically breaks them down for his own amusement. Its his way of making himself feel in control of his life.

And hey, i feel sad for him. He will never know what love is, which is mutual respect from both parties.

Continuously throughout the years ever since I reported him to Child Protective Services he has guilted me "why wont you visit me?" 'youre a bad daughter!"

Now, he is trying...damn he has never stopped trying to get back into my life. I think it must make his girlfriends wonder "why dont you talk to your daughter?" and he gives them this "oh my ex wife was evil and turned my daughter against me" spiel. Oh poor me poor me *whimper whimper*

As of late my dad has been dating this new girl and brags about how she is so intelligent. (evidence of a good-tear-down job) and has been redoubling his efforts to try and get into my life.

I dont want to talk to him. I don't want to talk to him at all. But my mom is like "talk to him for the inheritence" because my dad is a vice president of some company. and my aunt is like "lets keep the peace" discouraging me from cutting off all contact.

I know my father is poison. I know that there is a good chance he deeply resents me for turning him into child protective services and one day...one day...he is going to "punish" me for it. He is absolute poison. His family wants to play hush hush and my mom wants me to endure him for inheritence. My uncle wants me to "take care of" my dad like he did for his father (who was also sociopathic)

I'm really not sure what to do or how to handle my dad. What should I do?

 

[SophiaGrace]

If I go for the inheritence I will pay for it mind, body and soul. He will make sure of it. He will not let go of the money without doing that.

My grandfather (his father) remarried and that woman held on despite everything. She was greedy, selfish, and honestly, became just like him. She got the money, it's true. But at what cost? What emotional cost for her sons and for her?

I don't think she cared.


My only fear is not being able to take care of myself due to medical reasons. Having need of money for my health.


The only other reason i'd talk to my dad is to appease others in the family & because I'd feel sad I didnt have a father.

I dont know what to do. =l

---

I mean yeah it took my mom YEARS to get over what my dad did to her. We all were still hearing my dad screaming at us for a while after he left (which is sort of like PTSD). He wasnt even there and we could still hear him screaming.



and today she says to me after I get pissed over the fact that people are basically pressuring me to talk to my dad "dont do anything stupid Sophia" meaning "dont cut off contact with your father you might regret it later"



She must be blocking things. I know I do whenever I visit my dad (which is infrequent).



I'm going to have to think about this because I deeply resent having to go and have Christmas with my dad's family and act like everything is ok when it's not. What my dad did was unacceptable and people want to act like it never happened.



Why do they keep wanting to create a faccade to make my dad look good when he's not? Why do they "protect" him? Loyalties. Family loyalties I guess.



Well I dont know about you but some things just...you can forgive but you cannot forget.

 

[Mysis]

If he physically molested you I would stay as far away as possible. Depending how aggressively he's trying to push himself into your life, and whether you fear any further physical harm, I may even consider a restraining order.

This is why we have *** offender registries... People like that simply cannot be trusted and are a potential risk to anyone around them.

Women who stay with abusive men often have low self-worth, lack confidence, or start to believe that they deserve the abuse, or that the abuse is ok because "it's not that bad". With this said, I would not let myself feel pressured to throw myself into a scenario I felt uncomfortable with just to satisfy her ideals of what should be. While I'm certain she means well, she may just be desensitized to what a person like that will do to you emotionally, if not physically.

Life's not long enough to waste it hanging around people who aren't doing you good to be around. It'll affect you long after they're gone.

EDIT: Started writing before you posted the second post...

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And, by opposing, end them.

(shush, Dani )

Most people would rather silently pretend. Unfortunately it's pretty common. The way I see it, people seem to think that it's easier. The fact that pretending everything's fine doesn't cause any immediate friction and requires little action makes it appealing. The fact that putting an end to things would require a lot of friction, fighting, and most likely, ultimately pushing the person out of the entire family makes it too much of a burden for people to take on. Personally I find it disgusting and selfish that his family would allow him to go on doing this to more and more people. Make of that what you will. You're not bound to be loyal to anyone but yourself.

 

[SophiaGrace]

This is why we have *** offender registries... People like that simply cannot be trusted and are a potential risk to anyone around them.

There wasnt enough to prosecute him on.

 

[Danielle]

he hurt you, he hurt your family. I think you should be done with him... I know its not easy... but you are no longer under this thumb, and there is no reason to have to see if you don't want to.

I wish i had the right words to say in this situation, having never been through it, but i do hope that you are able to distance yourself from him and heal.

 

[Mysis]

This is why we have *** offender registries... People like that simply cannot be trusted and are a potential risk to anyone around them.

There wasnt enough to prosecute him on.

Just because he wasn't prosecuted doesn't suddenly make him more trustable or safe than those who were prosecuted.

Would you let yourself be alone with a convicted molestor who wasn't your father? Would your family? Consider the fact that he was your father makes it even more morally corrupt.

You know what he did. Are you and your family honestly going to approach it differently just because there wasn't enough evidence to get an official conviction?

 

[coricopat]

Shame on the women in your family for knowing what was done to you and still encouraging ANY sort of relationship---especially one for money.

There are far worse things in life than being poor.



I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that crap. You know what is truly best for you, don't let others, even family (especially your dad), pressure you to do otherwise. Take care of yourself hon.

 

[Badjedidude]

This means he is incapable of empathy and loving other people. Instead, he finds joy in smashing others down emotionally, breaking them down inside and outside. He beat my mom, molested me. He also beat his first wife.

I just want to point out that this makes your dad much more than a simple sociopath. Sociopathy doesn't inherently mean that a person enjoys others' misery....is just means that a person doesn't empathise with others' conditions (in one direction or the other) and thusly can't operate well in society. A sociopath wouldn't really understand that his actions made someone upset, and so he wouldn't "enjoy" making others feel bad.

I'd say your dad is (by your own words) emotionally unstable and stunted, as well as masochistic. *shrug* Well, those are my thoughts on the matter.

(((((((Lurker))))))))

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Nothing...don't do anything about your dad...you can't change him. You already know this..you expeinced it.
All you can do is change yourself. Heal yourself. Live your life.
Focus on the salutions not the problems. In other words focus on you...you are the salutions.

You stated that you been attending AA meetings.
Well here's the thing about some alcoholics...they grew up in a very dysfucntional envioriment.
A lot had been mentally abuse, emotionally abuse, physical abuse, spiritaully abused or rapped...you name it.
While it is true that we simply chose to drink. and I'm not trying to make any excuses.
The fact of the matter is...a lot of alcoholics had been abused. Drinking and abusing alcohol to cope with the turama and
or survive.

This is why some people can relate to you

I stopped drinking at a very young age...when most people are just getting started. So how can I be an alocholic if
I stopped drinking when I was only 22?

One of the reasons...I hated my father. I wanted nothing to be like him.

I'm also ACOA...my father is an active alcoholic. Yeap, very successful carreer wise.
But he is very abussive and mean to me. A lot of people in recovery will attend other support groups as they continue in thier recovery..
such as Al-anon or AOCA. Stopping drinking and using was just the begining or the tip of the iceburge of my recovery.
The drugs and alcohol abuse were just symtoms of my deeper problems...what are some of my deeper mental and emotional problems???
My head got smashed into the fucken walls a few times as a child...in other words...Abused.

I have to establish major boundaries with my father. It's not the easiest thing in the world...but I can no longer
internalize my father's insanity...becuase as you stated he is like pioson to me.
I'm not he's fucken victim. I have to stop playing the victim role.
Well...trying to change my father will automatically put me in the victim role. Play with fucken fire and you're get burned...period.

When you get into working the 12 steps program...these are some of the issues we face and deal with.

Trying to change my father is piontless...it's a waste of my life...period.
On top of that..it'll rip me apart. I'll get so mentally and emotionally torned then hate life...which will lead me back into drinking or wanting to kill myself.
Abusing drugs and alcohol is just a slow sueicide to me. Anyone with a half a brain can figure out abusing drugs and alcohol isn't healthy for a person...duh!!!!
ThaT'S my true motive when I abuse drugs and alcohol...I want to dystroy my life or kill myself. That's what i feel like doing when I inneracting with my father
or get suck into his insanties. I feel very, very bad about myself at the very least 99% of the time when having to interact with my father.
Even after decade of recovery under my belt and spending 5 mins with my father, I'll come home and laid in bed for a couple days in a major state of depression.

 

[SophiaGrace]

I'd say your dad is (by your own words) emotionally unstable and stunted, as well as masochistic.

(((((((Lurker))))))))

Well oftentimes Sadism and Sociopathy go together. Sociopathy also is known to have elements of narccism in it. yeah there are Sociopaths who are merely neglectful & vacant (which is one of the symptoms). And while my dad is neglectful & irresponsible (one cannot count on him for anything) he's also sadistic. (because he gets an adrenaline rush out of it when he "wins". Normally people get warm fuzzies when they have a connection with others. My dad cant get that.)

Yeah I've read like 3 books and a ton of articles on this subject just so I don't fall for anything of his. *Shrug*

But yeah I have to cut off contact somehow.

 

[Badjedidude]

Heh well you're the expert. I was just saying what I know.

You seem to have a large body of knowledge about the subject...and I think you're probably right about cutting off contact with him. *HUG* Hope everything turns out ok for ya.

 

[shells]

Stay away from him. He has no business being around you. Even though he may have contributed to bringing you into this world, he hasn't positively influenced the person that you are today.

It's obvious that you are uncomfortable around him, which you have EVERY right to be. Explain this to your mother and make sure she knows that you want nothing more to do with him.

You are such a wonderful person, Soph. You know of the kind of person he is, and he is very sick. Don't allow him to be in your life at the expense of your own well-being.