Stuck

[Rosebolt]

So, there's this girl i have been friends with for over two years, we were always there for each other when we needed to be, which was every day. I wrote about her earlier as well but that's been a while and i'm not expecting anyone to have read it. Anyway, around the time i joined this forum she got a boyfriend, i had a bad feeling about him, and about a week or two ago they seperated, as i expected.

When she got said boyfriend we started to talk less, which in the beginning bothered me but quickly came to be a relief. Now that he's gone though, she's coming back to me, of course. Last sunday, or monday, not sure, she wanted to talk. She blamed pretty much our loss of contact on me and that i had changed, which i have. Telling me that i told her i would never change and we'd never leave each other as had happened to both of us so many times with other people. I did actually say that by the way, meant it too.

I myself have also dealt with people who changed for the better, after which the contact pretty much vanished. This sure is new and exciting though, now i'm the one changing, and she doesn't seem to like that. Also, she did say she was happy for me that i felt better and all that, lets not forget the positive parts.

I talked with her again today and she seems to have calmed down, attempting suicide six times during the last week, but she wasn't really angry at me or anything. When asked she said she was too depressed to be angry. She's a very negative person that i now find hard to deal with as she doesn't really listen to advice, or well, she listens, but turns it down, one way or the other.

But there's one problem, we've been friends for so long and i realise i have been pretty much as she is now, only i found the way to get over it and she did not. I can't just leave her like those two years, even if i wanted to, and i actually do want to, part of me anyway. If she blames me for it all and only stays negative, she doesn't add much to my life and i don't add much to hers. Yes you can call me cold as much you like.

What would you guys do in this situation?

 

[WildernessWildChild]

Whatever you do R.B., don't allow yourself to be held hostage by so-called suicide attempts. By all means be empathetic but encourage her to call a crisis line- do not take this on board.

I lived with someone who continually pulled this kind of **** with me for a couple of years when I was around your age- I called her bluff one day when I came home from work and she had all kinds of pills laid out on display for the dozenth time. I left the bedroom, came back with a bottle of whiskey and told her to go hard, write a self-pity note, and I'll be back in a few hours. When I came back the pills were put away, the whiskey was back in the cabinet, and the subject was never brought up again

Might sound harsh to anyone reading this but being emotionally blackmailed for an extended length of time is a lousy thing to endure, especially when it's used as an attention seeking device.

 

[duff]

So, there's this girl i have been friends with for over two years, we were always there for each other when we needed to be, which was every day. I wrote about her earlier as well but that's been a while and i'm not expecting anyone to have read it. Anyway, around the time i joined this forum she got a boyfriend, i had a bad feeling about him, and about a week or two ago they seperated, as i expected.

When she got said boyfriend we started to talk less, which in the beginning bothered me but quickly came to be a relief. Now that he's gone though, she's coming back to me, of course. Last sunday, or monday, not sure, she wanted to talk. She blamed pretty much our loss of contact on me and that i had changed, which i have. Telling me that i told her i would never change and we'd never leave each other as had happened to both of us so many times with other people. I did actually say that by the way, meant it too.

I myself have also dealt with people who changed for the better, after which the contact pretty much vanished. This sure is new and exciting though, now i'm the one changing, and she doesn't seem to like that. Also, she did say she was happy for me that i felt better and all that, lets not forget the positive parts.

I talked with her again today and she seems to have calmed down, attempting suicide six times during the last week, but she wasn't really angry at me or anything. When asked she said she was too depressed to be angry. She's a very negative person that i now find hard to deal with as she doesn't really listen to advice, or well, she listens, but turns it down, one way or the other.

But there's one problem, we've been friends for so long and i realise i have been pretty much as she is now, only i found the way to get over it and she did not. I can't just leave her like those two years, even if i wanted to, and i actually do want to, part of me anyway. If she blames me for it all and only stays negative, she doesn't add much to my life and i don't add much to hers. Yes you can call me cold as much you like.

What would you guys do in this situation?

Do you really need someone like this in your life ?

 

[Misanthrope23]

So, there's this girl i have been friends with for over two years, we were always there for each other when we needed to be, which was every day. I wrote about her earlier as well but that's been a while and i'm not expecting anyone to have read it. Anyway, around the time i joined this forum she got a boyfriend, i had a bad feeling about him, and about a week or two ago they seperated, as i expected.

When she got said boyfriend we started to talk less, which in the beginning bothered me but quickly came to be a relief. Now that he's gone though, she's coming back to me, of course. Last sunday, or monday, not sure, she wanted to talk. She blamed pretty much our loss of contact on me and that i had changed, which i have. Telling me that i told her i would never change and we'd never leave each other as had happened to both of us so many times with other people. I did actually say that by the way, meant it too.

I myself have also dealt with people who changed for the better, after which the contact pretty much vanished. This sure is new and exciting though, now i'm the one changing, and she doesn't seem to like that. Also, she did say she was happy for me that i felt better and all that, lets not forget the positive parts.

I talked with her again today and she seems to have calmed down, attempting suicide six times during the last week, but she wasn't really angry at me or anything. When asked she said she was too depressed to be angry. She's a very negative person that i now find hard to deal with as she doesn't really listen to advice, or well, she listens, but turns it down, one way or the other.

But there's one problem, we've been friends for so long and i realise i have been pretty much as she is now, only i found the way to get over it and she did not. I can't just leave her like those two years, even if i wanted to, and i actually do want to, part of me anyway. If she blames me for it all and only stays negative, she doesn't add much to my life and i don't add much to hers. Yes you can call me cold as much you like.

What would you guys do in this situation?

well if you're stuck from the bubble gum try to chew it off :/

Stuckism

 

[Okiedokes]

Yeah I agree with first poster, there's not much you can do when the help she needs is to help herself, and professional help. That's a lot of tries at hurting herself. One is bad enough, and requires more help. If she's not listening to your advice, then you've done what you can. But try to get her to seek help.

 

[SophiaGrace]

She's afraid to lose you.

 

[ladyforsaken]

She's afraid to lose you.

Maybe, but she should've also made that clear when she found herself a boyfriend and not blame it on Rosebolt for the lack of contact when clearly, she was more preoccupied with the new person in her life. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that because it is likely to happen for people who have new relationships formed - but that doesn't mean you just let others astray and then later on blame them for it.

I talked with her again today and she seems to have calmed down, attempting suicide six times during the last week, but she wasn't really angry at me or anything. When asked she said she was too depressed to be angry. She's a very negative person that i now find hard to deal with as she doesn't really listen to advice, or well, she listens, but turns it down, one way or the other.

But there's one problem, we've been friends for so long and i realise i have been pretty much as she is now, only i found the way to get over it and she did not. I can't just leave her like those two years, even if i wanted to, and i actually do want to, part of me anyway. If she blames me for it all and only stays negative, she doesn't add much to my life and i don't add much to hers. Yes you can call me cold as much you like.

What would you guys do in this situation?

6 times of attempted suicide in the past week is seriously trouble. She needs some real help here or it's really going to happen. And perhaps the only reason why it hasn't happened is because she's either too afraid to actually do it and perhaps is looking for attention, or something is holding her back. Whatever that reason may be, it would be good to keep her off anymore attempts but Rosebolt, my friend, you can only do so much.

Knowing you, you must've already tried talking to her and consoling her and tried to make her feel better. But I know, like you said, it's not easy dealing with someone feeling very down and negative and takes a whole lot of patience and skill to get them. In my opinion though, in this case, nothing you say will make her feel better. But your constant support, eventually will and is probably helping too.

If I were you, as much as I'd feel hurt that she blamed me for the lack of contact when it was her really who drifted away because of her boyfriend, I'd be there to support her. Still try hear her out and listen and talk to her. If possible, I'd try to get her distracted by doing other things really or focusing on other things (I take it that she's depressed cos of her failed relationship?).

But that's just me. You do what you feel is best because you know her best and you'd know how you feel exactly right now about this. And if you feel like you don't want to invest in this friendship as much? Like what the other members say, direct her to some professional help and hope for the best.

Good luck my friend.

 

[quintus]

6 suicide attempts in one week is definitely a kind of blackmail. I'm sorry, and perhaps I'm totally wrong- but I can't take that very serious. I understand you feeling bad about wanting to abandon her. It does not seem right after your history of friendship. But as you wrote, apparently she does not want your advice. I think you should be around and listen to what she has to say. But if possible- don't get to deeply involved. I guess that would do you no good.

 

[Edward W]

I'd say you need to tell her what you're feeling, that you want to be there for her and still be friends, but if she wants that then she's going to have to listen to you, try and make a change.

You obviously understand her fairly well, and she can see the change in you.

If she wants that change you'll be there supporting her, but you also need to move on, not slip back, so it's up to her now what she wants.

To try and feel better and keep your friendship, or carry on as she is without you, without bringing you down.

 

[quintus]

I agree absolutely with Edward W. Try to find a compromise.

 

[ladyforsaken]

If she wants that change you'll be there supporting her, but you also need to move on, not slip back, so it's up to her now what she wants.

Yuppity yup. Well said.

 

[Rosebolt]

Thanks alot for taking the time to respond everyone, i really appreciate it.

First i'll give some extra information that might be useful to know but didn't think of writing it down at first.

She doesn't really seem like someone who would use suicides to draw attention, but reading all of your posts, and thinking of it that way, it's very well possible. Second, she's been depressed and suicidal since before i met her, it's not because of her boyfriend, it just adds up to the pile. Even before this week i had already long lost count of the ammount of times she attempted to kill herself. She never succeeds, obviously, and i don't think she ever will, no in the near future anyway. The attempts also don't scare me at all anymore.

Also, she's in therapy, heck, we met in a therapy group we were both in. Her psychologist knows about whats going on, but i can write a whole book about the utter incompetence of psychologists and psychiatrists these days. If even i am most of the time smarter than they are, then that's really saying something as well.

She's afraid to lose you.

I know, i have experienced the same feelings as well, long ago. It's funny how her behavior pushes me more towards leaving than it does to staying.

Make no mistake though, i plan to do my best to support her where i can, but taking your advice to heart as well, that is, keeping my distance.

If she wants that change you'll be there supporting her, but you also need to move on, not slip back, so it's up to her now what she wants.

This is the hard part, i think she wants the change, but this misfortune and depression is so deeply rooted in her, it's all she ever knew. Like trying to forget your native language. I've tried telling her a couple of times what helped me in the hope of encouraging her, she says it's indeed inspiring, but that's all that happens then. I'm not slipping back myself, i'm taking my distance and i have my own life now, but i simply cannot leave her, not after all we've been through.

If possible, I'd try to get her distracted by doing other things really or focusing on other things

That's really beyond of how she feels now. I usually try to get her to do that, but it's no good. As i said before, this negativity is so deep rooted in her, like having learned to walk. I can try to convince her a countless times to get a crisis bed at the psychiatric ward thingy, but it won't solve anything. And yes, i've tried.

Anyway, again, thank you all very much for taking your time reading it and responding to it, i really appreciate every single reply i've gotten so far.

 

[quintus]

My last encounter with a psychiatrist wasn't very helpful either. His advice concerning solitude: go out to nightclubs, have fun. And friends are not for talking, but for having "fun" with. His words struck me as not very professional. I can see your point there. But in your friends case you really should leave the main work to those professionals, Rosebolt. Just be there if you feel like it. But don't let her get too close. I think you can do without another huge problem, don't you?

 

[Rosebolt]

My last encounter with a psychiatrist wasn't very helpful either. His advice concerning solitude: go out to nightclubs, have fun. And friends are not for talking, but for having "fun" with. His words struck me as not very professional. I can see your point there. But in your friends case you really should leave the main work to those professionals, Rosebolt. Just be there if you feel like it. But don't let her get too close. I think you can do without another huge problem, don't you?

Yes and no, i can do without it, but no it's not a huge problem. Also, i can't leave her to the "professionals" i might as well hand her over to a homeless guy and hope she'll feel better. Yes, it's that bad. She's going to another therapy group though, not sure how long it'll take but it's likely to happen. It's something of a last resort thing, a special highly educated/trained hospital thingy, so they better have half a braincel over there, or i'll come there myself and tell them what's going on. I indeed won't let her get too close, just keep my distance, and give advice where i can, that's all i can do.

 

[Veruca]

You seem to be handling it well rosebolt and thats great. You're a good friend to not want to abandon her and even if she is uunable to receive all your help given her emotional state right now, im sure deep down she appreciates having someone to at least care this much.

But at the end of the day we're all figuring out things for ourselves and we have to think about us too. So keep doing what you're doing, and hopefully she'll pull through. You musnt blame yourself though for any misery on her part, you're doing a lot already.

Take care!

 

[Gondwanaland]

When she got said boyfriend we started to talk less, which in the beginning bothered me but quickly came to be a relief. Now that he's gone though, she's coming back to me, of course.

I talked with her again today and she seems to have calmed down, attempting suicide six times during the last week.

I used to have this friend, long time ago and he was a nice person. However, when he got a GF, he forgot about my existence. It didn't bother me, because I've always been a withdrawn person. Four years later, they broke up and he tried to contact me again...heh. That was kind of funny...I never answer his calls or e-mails.

Now my question is: why did she forget you while she was with this other guy??? I don't think it's a nice thing to do (or at least, that's what I think!).

You seem to have good intentions. That's respectable and admirable, but I think she needs professional help, especially if she tried to kill herself...why is she doing it??? there are many explanations: attention, depressive and suicidal tendencies, etc.

Anyway, her behavior deserves attention from a specialist (although, she sounds kind of narcissistic and manipulative, in my opinion).

EDIT: How do YOU feel without her??? answer this question to yourself with honesty...

I hope this was useful, Rosebolt.