The issue is, I just don't know things about myself. It's one of those cases where being "at a distance" would help a lot in seeing the bigger picture. But well, being ourselves as we do, such a step back, at least for me, is not possible. The consequence is, I keep "seeing" always the same things, or rather not seeing.
So for example, what are my strengths, my weaknesses, my goals? My values at least I can find up to a point (and not even that much), but as for the rest, the most I can do is bring back to memory individual situations that have happened in the past and try, by interpreting them, to discern those things out of them. This can end up quickly very wrong.
I have tried googling up "get to know yourself" questions, and have found a lot, but the thing is, I can't answer them. Not honestly at least. That is, if anyone asked me (and it has happened) I'll just try not to answer, and if I have to, I'll make up something on the spot.
This has already happened with several job interviews already. And each interview stings a little more in that I get to find out I know myself less and less with each new personal question. Sure, after a while, the common questions are the usual set, but still.
And I do desire to know those things... because one really ought to, for one, and also because I need to know those things in order to decide how to change my life for the better. Because, if I don't know what I want, or what I don't like, specifically, it's all random at best. And, as has also already happened, the risk of making mistakes and ending up in the same situation, with at best some years of respite, is pretty high too.
Self-introspection? Meditation? I have tried those and I still keep trying. Reading? Same. Then doing things? That's probably the best advice so far, only it only helps to a certain point. And, in any case, I'm kinda in a rut lately, lavoratively speaking too, and I don't get much free time.
It has to be so ridiculous, that wanting to know something is really never enough and even researching, wasting time on it, really produces nothing. And yes, I've been asking people advice too, although as it happens, I haven't received much. And let's be honest here, if someone else asked me, I too wouldn't know what to tell, so no surprise. Is the problem ill formulated then? Can be. But then, what's the minimal step I can work on, and how do I get something out of it? I realize I may be going in a circle and failing to try new approaches. However I also realize I've been like this for quite a long time, and breaking out of that on my own doesn't sound likely. My psychologist really can't help, and so I stopped going there. It was pretty expensive too.
I guess ideally I hope someone comments and hands me down the solution on a silver platter, but even writing that sounds so... idk. I guess then I hope I can at least receive some input, and potentially that will cause me to get unstuck.
Where do you see yourself in 5 years? I have no idea. Probably still like this, because, even as much as 10 years ago, I was battling with kinda the same issues, except under a different guise. With the years, what improves is the understanding of the situation, and one learns to handle certain thoughts in a better way, and to function better and better; however all this seems to never go away. And, to be honest, at this point, I don't even demand it for that to happen. It would be ok to just find a direction out of this. Because the thought of never managing to, is simply unbearable.
What do I want to change then? Kinda everything, but how?
Like, what's wrong in my job? To be honest, I feel like I just don't want to work, if I have to be honest. Work at this point is just wasting a great part of the day, at least to me. The salary is only an additional concern... sure, I would like to be paid more, but if I had to choose, I would probably choose to work less. And I'm afraid this applies to any job I can think of.
Family? Well, I don't really get along that well with mine, but do I really wish to do something about it? The thing is, I just feel sorry for them, because I don't feel like trying tp improve the situation. Even the thought of speaking honestly to them gives me so much anxiety and anguish.
Relationships? Well, of course I want friends and a girlfriend/wife. I have been trying to make friends for a while now, but it doesn't seem to work. And I'm not sure whether it's because I like to be alone, I find people boring, or whatever else have you. It's just, I can't even say I've tried everything, but I do have tried all I can think of. I seem to think it's related to not having well defined goals or interests. Sure I have hobbies and everything, but it's also annoying to talk about them. But it's not even that. There is this feeling of distance from everyone, I have. And I bet they feel that too.
And after all, it is also normal that they go away after a while. After all, how can I expect them to stay, when I don't even know myself if I want them to stay and in any case why I want them to stay.
And if that reason were not to feel bad, then even more they should leave. I don't want to bring only negative emotions to others.
Ideally I would like to find my own group and feel happy together. Make the time together worth more than it is, share things, dreams, emotions. All that is closed off from me. And I can't even commune with the one person I really should always be able to: myself.
And, finally, the one thing I try not to think about, death. Every year of life is stepping one inch closer to that (barring accidents etc, but you get it). I realize leaving without regrets is difficult, but I would like to at least make this existence, this fixed time I have on this earth, to be more than just pain and for my consolations to be base things like food. I want to live, damn it, but I'm stuck surviving.
So for example, what are my strengths, my weaknesses, my goals? My values at least I can find up to a point (and not even that much), but as for the rest, the most I can do is bring back to memory individual situations that have happened in the past and try, by interpreting them, to discern those things out of them. This can end up quickly very wrong.
I have tried googling up "get to know yourself" questions, and have found a lot, but the thing is, I can't answer them. Not honestly at least. That is, if anyone asked me (and it has happened) I'll just try not to answer, and if I have to, I'll make up something on the spot.
This has already happened with several job interviews already. And each interview stings a little more in that I get to find out I know myself less and less with each new personal question. Sure, after a while, the common questions are the usual set, but still.
And I do desire to know those things... because one really ought to, for one, and also because I need to know those things in order to decide how to change my life for the better. Because, if I don't know what I want, or what I don't like, specifically, it's all random at best. And, as has also already happened, the risk of making mistakes and ending up in the same situation, with at best some years of respite, is pretty high too.
Self-introspection? Meditation? I have tried those and I still keep trying. Reading? Same. Then doing things? That's probably the best advice so far, only it only helps to a certain point. And, in any case, I'm kinda in a rut lately, lavoratively speaking too, and I don't get much free time.
It has to be so ridiculous, that wanting to know something is really never enough and even researching, wasting time on it, really produces nothing. And yes, I've been asking people advice too, although as it happens, I haven't received much. And let's be honest here, if someone else asked me, I too wouldn't know what to tell, so no surprise. Is the problem ill formulated then? Can be. But then, what's the minimal step I can work on, and how do I get something out of it? I realize I may be going in a circle and failing to try new approaches. However I also realize I've been like this for quite a long time, and breaking out of that on my own doesn't sound likely. My psychologist really can't help, and so I stopped going there. It was pretty expensive too.
I guess ideally I hope someone comments and hands me down the solution on a silver platter, but even writing that sounds so... idk. I guess then I hope I can at least receive some input, and potentially that will cause me to get unstuck.
Where do you see yourself in 5 years? I have no idea. Probably still like this, because, even as much as 10 years ago, I was battling with kinda the same issues, except under a different guise. With the years, what improves is the understanding of the situation, and one learns to handle certain thoughts in a better way, and to function better and better; however all this seems to never go away. And, to be honest, at this point, I don't even demand it for that to happen. It would be ok to just find a direction out of this. Because the thought of never managing to, is simply unbearable.
What do I want to change then? Kinda everything, but how?
Like, what's wrong in my job? To be honest, I feel like I just don't want to work, if I have to be honest. Work at this point is just wasting a great part of the day, at least to me. The salary is only an additional concern... sure, I would like to be paid more, but if I had to choose, I would probably choose to work less. And I'm afraid this applies to any job I can think of.
Family? Well, I don't really get along that well with mine, but do I really wish to do something about it? The thing is, I just feel sorry for them, because I don't feel like trying tp improve the situation. Even the thought of speaking honestly to them gives me so much anxiety and anguish.
Relationships? Well, of course I want friends and a girlfriend/wife. I have been trying to make friends for a while now, but it doesn't seem to work. And I'm not sure whether it's because I like to be alone, I find people boring, or whatever else have you. It's just, I can't even say I've tried everything, but I do have tried all I can think of. I seem to think it's related to not having well defined goals or interests. Sure I have hobbies and everything, but it's also annoying to talk about them. But it's not even that. There is this feeling of distance from everyone, I have. And I bet they feel that too.
And after all, it is also normal that they go away after a while. After all, how can I expect them to stay, when I don't even know myself if I want them to stay and in any case why I want them to stay.
And if that reason were not to feel bad, then even more they should leave. I don't want to bring only negative emotions to others.
Ideally I would like to find my own group and feel happy together. Make the time together worth more than it is, share things, dreams, emotions. All that is closed off from me. And I can't even commune with the one person I really should always be able to: myself.
And, finally, the one thing I try not to think about, death. Every year of life is stepping one inch closer to that (barring accidents etc, but you get it). I realize leaving without regrets is difficult, but I would like to at least make this existence, this fixed time I have on this earth, to be more than just pain and for my consolations to be base things like food. I want to live, damn it, but I'm stuck surviving.
