Surrounded and yet alone?

[Littlehope]

I haven't really done anything like this before and would like to introduce myself before I start. I will try to be brutally honest as I feel I want any advice to be in the same fashion.

I'm a 20 year old guy, short, of slim build, already going bald, look a lot younger than I am and, to all outward appearances, happy. I didn't get into Cambridge with my 5 A's at A level and took a year off to apply once again. As if things couldn't get any worse my girlfriend also left me and so I really didn't do much during that year other than try to mend a broken heart and my battered pride...

My friends had all gone away to university and so I was forced to make friends with the people that live around me. I won't lie, I live in a terrible area, the people around me find themselves to be grandparents at the age of 30 and have a rather high success rate of creating criminals. No this isn't a horrible brush I am painting the general area in, this is true of most of our neighbours.

In any case I did make new friends that lived in my area but it wasn't the same. I had people around me for the sake of it, I didn't really get on well with them but I wanted to create the false image of having friends (which I can now say is worse than not having friends). Now I'm attending a lesser university and oddly enough am loving it. I get all the support I need from my lectures and couldn't really ask for a better university. I do have friends that I frequently see and don't have any real issues with socialising.

On to the main issue though; recently I have been feeling very alone, hollow inside and going through the motions. To bring to light just how bad I feel a friend of mine had her sister come over to visit and we got on like a house on fire. The first night I resisted the temptation in order to keep the relationship with my friend alive. The second night though... She asked me why I hadn't kissed her yet? I honestly couldn't come up with a good answer. We kissed and she fell asleep in my arms that night. Needless to say when my friend awoke to find her sister missing from her room she wasn't happy. I fell out with my friend and we haven’t really spoken much since. I should be over the moon with something like this but I only did it for the simple fact that… I could. I can’t really explain it well enough and hope that, if you have had a similar experience, you can understand me when I say I was on auto pilot, it was happening but my heart wasn’t there. I might have been smiling but I wasn’t happy…

The odd thing is even with that feeling I am now in a different country visiting this girl… However, regardless of all the effort I made to get here, it is going horribly and no it isn‘t because of me... The first night we went to a club, she went off to talk to all of her friends and I was left surrounded with people I didn't know and couldn't understand (very thick accent and loud music didn't help). I don’t normally get bothered by things like this but after a few hours of this… well lets just say being in another country with no option to go home really was my limit. I was lucky enough to find a little room at the club with trance music, a favourite of mine which I knew she had a hatred for, in which to seek cover. I have honestly never felt so alone in a room of people. I even started to text ‘friends’ to pass the time and ended up flirting with a girl in the hopes to have some company.

A few days have passed since and nothing has really changed. She had the cheek to say that if I lived here she could see us going out, it went against my nature but I had to explain that I didn’t think we would. We are two very different people after all by the looks of things…

I am starting to realise how alone I really am and if anything what a horrible person I am. Can you believe that I pretended to be ill just so I wouldn't have to spend new years with her and her friends? I just couldn’t handle going through it again. And now I have retreated to the room I am staying in to type this while I listen to what I believe to be crying through the thin walls. It isn’t over me though and even so is making my heart wrench with every gasp she takes.

The whole experience has really made me think… Although a lot of people feel alone because they don’t have people around them, what about the people who feel alone no matter what? I feel this alone even when I have people around me, even a gorgeous girl in my arms at night. What hope can I have of feeling anything else?

Does anyone else feel like this? Do you also have the feeling that you are always alone even in the midst of friends, family or even lover? The realisation is setting in that I have always felt this way, even for the people I care a great deal about.

I don’t know what I expect out of this thread but if anything it is nice to get it off my chest, so thanks for reading and, although it’s a bit late, happy new year! Also I know this is odd but if you feel like having a chat drop me a pm and I will gladly add you on msn or simply talk to you over emails.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Err...that would be me. Family, friens and countless beautiful women came into my life.
I like ur story reminds me of my youth.. Wait..Im still doing this ****
the only differnt is..I would have done threesomes with those babes.

Its all Chelle's fault for breaking my heart...I ended up living with 2 babes the first time Chelle N I saperated. I didnt even have to pay rent. Then some other babe took me home with her when I was going through my divorce. It was so wierd. She was prettier than my wife and acted like the perfect wife..did anything and very for me....
Chelle broke my heart again recently..and Im basically reacting in the manner I suffer from the "I'LL SHOW U BITCH " syndrom. Its progressive too. But I love Chelle and remain in love with her
I feel only Chelle can take that emptiness i have away..its jsut so fucken retarded sometimes. But its what I feel.

 

[EagleEye]

I can relate to your story, because I was their... feeling lonely, but yet surrounded by people that you know. I am 25, still single (meaning not married neither engage, by choice, because I haven't found “the one” yet, and I am not in a hurry either)

I know what it is to be awake all night after having sex with a chick that I barely know, while she is sleeping, but yet feel empty. I know what it is to be drunk just so that I can't remember the missery of my suckish life. Avoiding the emptyness in my heart that consume every moment...

But why my life sucked when I had money, girls, and “friends?" A lot of people told me that I was doing well, but I wasn't I was drowning in myself... living an empty life.

I am going to tell you what a total stranger told me one day while I was sitting in a public place at night while smoking my cigarette. This guy came out of nowhere, I never seen him before, plus I recently move to that State. He told me:


"The emptiness that you are feeling in your heart..., that emptiness that you had tried to filled with the pleasures of this world (girls, money, fame, etc.) can only be filled with the one you have forgotten about" - at this point I twisted my head and look at him like he was crazy, to which he added "The emptiness that you are feeling only GOD can fill it, don't believe me if you don't want, just try it and you'll see, seek him like if you was seeking a treasure... and you will find him"

Due to the oddness of the whole scene I was thinking that maybe it was prank, but the man looked at me, smiled and left the place without talking to no one else. After that day I have never seen that man before (he was in the mid 40's or something). The days passed I still felt the same, but this time the words of that man bugged me out (day and night), I didn't know what was happening to me. Months later, another person that I had recently (a new co-worker) met happened to be a Christian, and one day while he was talking to me (at lunch) he told me a little bit about his life and how he became a Christian. To my surprise he told me how he felt before being a Christian (it was how I was feeling), and then he told me this words "I was empty... but God filled my emptiness, and now I have a wonderful life, I am married to the most wonderful woman, and have great kids..." Then he added: "Dude, what is meant for the Heart, it is meant for it. What I mean is that God created us to love him back, and yet to love others... when you don't have God's love, your love is partial, it's conditional..., you know what you have to try it, because otherwise you will never believe me..." We continued eating and silence prevailed after that. My life kept the same path, until I couldn’t do it no more, and decided to give God a chance, if he was real, I wanted to know that by experience… 5 years later I am here, telling you that I haven’t regret my choice of giving God a chance. My life is different; I don’t feel loneliness, not even when I am alone.

The only thing that I will tell you is:
If you don’t want to believe, that’s your choice; but the only way that you will find out if it’s true is by trying it. But remember seeking Him as if you were seeking a treasure, with all your heart, mind and strength (If you poorly seek Him, you will end up like a lot of people that “tried it,” with misery and with the false notion that it was bluff… but it wasn’t, it is real, he is real… very real)
 take care.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I'm 44...I work the 12 steps. Gone to church. Got clean N sober. Worked the course of miracles. Read and resereched about all kinds of spiritality or lving principles . Got into therapy groups. Conseling..
I know slogons. Copping skills or living tools loike the back of my hands...
walking donuts...life gose on. Happiness is an inside job . Let go N let god...blah..blah..blah..

it still remains. The heart wants what the heart wants. I can lie about it. I can pretend I dont love Michelle
I know me best. I know whats in my heart. If theres a god..surely god would know whats in my heart.
Shes the love of my life .

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Foot prints in the sand.....its about feeling lost N alone even when god is in ur life....

Some spiritual teachings....
Our experince of the world is relative to our perspective.The world of our experince is constanlty transforming. Therefore we must be wary of our tendency to adopt fixed or dogmatic judgments, evaluations, and standard based on a narrow viewpiont, since this leads to conflict and frustrations. Optimal experince involves freeing ourselves from slavish commitments to convention: this enable us to see clearly and act spontaneously and unobtrusively.. The idea perosn is one who is perfectly well adjusted in this way..
in other words.. What u do might kill me. What I do might kill u.
I have to find and do what works for me. Suggestions Not advice...
@ the same tokken. What I do in one situation or time might not work in a simular situation @ a differnt time.
In other words be flexiable...as u grow and develope/evolve as a person.