The misery YOU create in relationships

[matthewferry]

One source of immeasurable misery in relationships is thinking that the past will repeat itself. Sorry… People have changed, life is different, and nothing is the same today as it was yesterday.

WARNING! Listen to The Drunk Monkey in your head. Mine says “Matthew Ferry, you are insane! There are many things the same today as yesterday you noodle head!”

Look again. Everything is slowly changing, eroding, degrading, evolving, emerging and transforming. Especially people.

Yet The Drunk Monkey (your mental chatter) takes a snap shot of today and then carries it forward into tomorrow. Really bad idea. Especially with people.

Example: In the first five years of my relationship my Claudine (my wife) she went from 23 years old to 28 years old. By that time, the woman I fell in love with had disappeared. The Drunk Monkey (my mind) was upset all the time. She would behave in new ways because she had grown and evolved. This contradicted The Drunk Monkey’s opinion of who she SHOULD be. I was upset and frustrated a lot.

As my job is to help others let go of the negative for the positive, so being negative isn’t an option. With further examination, I realized that I was holding her accountable to who she was in the past and had no idea who she was today. I also realized that this thought process is exactly what killed my first marriage within five years. “Ah Ha!” The blinding flash of the obvious hit me. “People change!” I know that sounds rudimentary and obvious but I GUARANTEE you are holding the people in your life accountable to who they were and you have no idea who they are!

I made the decision that I no longer knew who my wife was, and that I would spend time rediscovering her. It turned out to be a magical time in our relationship. Claudine and I now operate from this notion: “I have no idea who you are, so tell me about yourself these days.”

When you don’t expect the other person to be anything in particular, then your expectations don’t get broken and you can stay in a flowing state.

Who are you holding accountable to who they were and not who they are?

 

[Jesse]

Neat.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

well, I might not have all the answers but I have plenty of them.
What's a new concept or idea to other is yesterday news to me.

That's nothing knew...****, I rather help and work on other people
than to have to work on myself. Working on myself is the real deal.
Taking my own god damn advice is totally ********..lol

Lowering my expectations wont set me up for a fall.
Whatever gose in my head...ain't it.
It's good coping skill and living tools for control freaks.

I can't give what I don't have.

However there's a basic funtimental rule that healthy normal people knows
to live by...You drive on the RIGHT side of the road in America.

I have to get know how the hell I am first becuase I changed.
Some changes are good some changes are bad...

The notion that people only change for better is miss leading.
Poeple progress and revert just the same.

Pople are going to do whatever the hell they're goin to do wheather I like it or not.
The sooner I get that through my thick skull. the sooner I'll get well.
It requires that I stop leaning on people...No expectations to the core.
It requires that I get totally honest and holding my accountiable at the core of my being.
It requires that I take full responsiblities for my happiness and my life.
I do expect myself to get off of my *** and do something about my life..
The only time my life hads change was becuase I changed. I work on myself

Accpetence is a son of a *****. I tried to figure who the hell my ex-gf is after
living with her over a decade.

Trying to get to know and understand a crazy person will drive a person fucken nutz too.
I don't need to figure it out..I don't need to know or have all the fucken answers.
I don't need to understand. Guess how I came to that god damn conclusion?

She's a cheating, lying , whore, ***********, manipulating of a psycho *****.
That's a ****** up crazy foundation I rather not have to deal with today.
Yes I expect her to grow the **** up and at least get basics....
I sure as hell didn't expect her to revert being a **** up immature little spoil brat again.
I don't want to know her sorry *** of a ***** today. I dated a psycho ***** when I was in HS.
She can find another imamature spoil brat to leard her lesson with.

I don't need to sacrified myself or suffer consequneces at her expence. It's not my job. It's not my responsiblities.
She can eat **** and die. She can fall on her fcuken face..whatever the hell it is she need to do to get to the BOTTOM of her ****.
That's totally not expecting anything from her..becuase I cutted her the **** out of my life.
She's free to live and do as she please. Learn whatever lesson she wants to learn or not.

Here's the honest truth....
You know why I still have anger towards her ???
It's becuase I still love her and have feelings for her...that's why.
The god damn miseries she created in our lves and our relationships.

It is what is it. sometimes life sucks. Some peopel suck , Poeple fucken die.
In other words...Life on life's terms.
Stop leaning on people.
Happiness in an inside job.
Let go...let go... let go.

Anyway..Let go of happiness too. It's suppost to get better..and better (so some say)

Don't belive in anyone...don't belive what I say or do. Sometimes don't even belive in your thiking (old programing).
Learn how to step back. Do what works for you. It's your life , your experince.
Whatever level of consiousness you are at.
That's why you don't belive what other say...You are free and can make your own decisions.
By practicing this priciple you as a person will be able to generate your self worth and happiness within yourself.
You become a self supporting indiviual and entity. You learn to make decisions on your own. You learn from you own mistakes.
You become responisble and accountiable with yourself at the core of your BEING.

The concepts of other people not expecting anything from you...must also be apply to you.

 

[Estreen]

Interesting post.

 

[PoWer2tHePeOpLE]

so the misery i create in my relationships is not realising that people change. as simple as that huh?

and again it is MY fault because of MY 'drunk monkey'?? who is giving this primate acohol? leave the monkey alone, the monkey has enough problems without getting it drunk too.

no **** people change, and sometimes they change into realising that they want something you cant give them, and sometimes they change into apathetic arseholes interested in persuing their own self indulgence, and sometimes they change into a giant fly when they didnt inspect the pod closely before attempting teleportation..

dont expect anything in particular?? fine then.. use me, lie to me, exploit me, beat me, mess with me.. do whatever you need to do while i spend my time trying to discover why youre a slightly different lying marthafucka today compared to the manipulative lying marthafucka you were yesterday..

you said you gave a **** yesterday and i WILL hold you accountable until the day you die.. and if you start DOING things completely contrary to what you were SAYING.. i will hold you accountable.. and if i smell your ******** and realise that this is a game for you because you are a soulless, heartless **** i will throw you into exile.

gotta love 'fortune cookie' relationship advice...

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Errr....BTW, my ex-gf was a total freaken DRUNK...(dry drunk...be it the monkey mind eh?)
It's all about her...her..her...

Errr...How in the hell is she going to know who I am, how I feel, if she was so cuaght up into herself
and wacked out of her freaken mind?
If she would even consider me and the consequnces for a split sec. and CARED, half of the BS wouldn't even happened.

The notion that she was drunk or on her monkey mind was in charge is a write off???
I don't think so.

A person has 8 sec. of clearity or consious at any juncture to make a decision.
Drunk or not....as if I've never been drunk before..
As If I never had an erudge to rob an armored tuck full of money before.
As if there's no other women crosses path wiht me everyday.
As if other women didn't fine me attractive or interesting.
As if thoughts of cheating nevered crossed my mind before.

A person will cross that crossroad of making decisions...thousands of times per day.
Monkey mind my ***. Not giving a crap is more like it. Making excuses and lying about it is more like it.
Lying to yourself that you were somehow were irresponsible for your actions is more like it...

All the SOB that got sent to prison...Gave the insanity plead (IDKWTF I was doing defence) The monkey mind ruled me defence.

She wasn't drunk before she got drunk...and it takes a hell of a whole lot longer than
8 sec. for her pants and clothe to come off. From making the drive...from getting
out of her car..From knocking on the door. From her toching him. From her kissing him
from her fcuking him. She had many, many opportunities to make the proper decision
to spare all of us the pains, dramma and heartaches.

She could had easily make decisions to communicate with me to end our relationships
prior. Break up with me....prior.
Thousands of options she had if she cared to..But it was all about her.
And it's still all about her today.
And how in the **** am I suppost to even begin to foregive her when she dosn't even ask me to forgive her to begin with???

If she can't make good decisions when wacked out of her mind...maybe she ought to stop getting drunk and pop'in her damn pills...
She has 8 sec and thousand of crossroads too before she pops a pill into her mouth.
It's a one hour drive to the freaken casino....She has an hour everytime she makes that drive to make decisions.
Many...many trun offs and bridges for her to make a turn around..If she'd cared.
There's a BIG *** SIGN IN GOLD at eye level...."IF YOU HAVE A GAMBLING PROBLEM" stampped to the front door.

It's plain as day just like everything else...If she cared. She can see. She knows. People DON"T CARE.
It's plain as day when I got on my Knees, cried my heart out and begged her to STOP!!!!.

And I'm suppost to forgiving her?
Then drive a fucken stake into me even more If I feel hurt ..as if I'm feeling sorry for myself?
Then feel freaken guilty even more..if somehow I can't foregive or don't want to?

 

[Estreen]

While this is nice and optimistic, and may only apply in certain cases. There are other cases where people just truly grow apart, and even if you do "rediscover" them....you may not like what you see. The question is then...should you change yourself, just for that other person? I mean, they changed without a care or concern, rather if you wanted to jump into a new direction or not. Must you follow/accept this other person constantly even if it doesn't make you happy? Of course not. Sometimes it is for the best that we just simply call it quits.

However, in some cases, it really is just us over-analyzing things and being selfish. I have gone through a little of what you're talking about with my boyfriend, since we met when we were only teenagers, and are now both in our 20's, so of course we are both going to go through some changes, and it's not easy accepting these changes and adapting to them.

So I agree with this post, but to a degree.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

gotta love 'fortune cookie' relationship advice...

*applause*