The Nice Guy syndrome. Are you suffering from it?

[Xplorer]

Hi guys. I am reading a book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. In this book, you will learn if you are considered a "nice guy" and if yes, what you can do to improve. This book doesnt explain how to become an ******* but a man that is not afraid of his opinion and dont search female validation.

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Here is some extracts of the first pages of this book. Just tell me how many of those aspects you can refer.

Characteristics of Nice Guys

Every Nice Guy is unique, but all have a cluster of similar characteristics. These traits are the result of a script, often formed in childhood, that guides their lives. While other men may have one or two of these traits, Nice Guys seem to possess a significant number.

• Nice Guys are givers. Nice Guys frequently state that it makes them feel good to give to others. These men believe their generosity is a sign of how good they are and will make other people love and appreciate them.
• Nice Guys fix and caretake. If a person has a problem, has a need, is angry, depressed or sad, Nice Guys will frequently attempt to solve or fix the situation (usually without being asked).
• Nice Guys seek approval from others. A universal trait of the Nice Guy Syndrome is the seeking of validation from others. Everything a Nice Guy does or says is at some level calculated to gain someone’s approval or avoid disapproval. This is especially true in their relationships with women.
• Nice Guys avoid conflict. Nice Guys seek to keep their world smooth. To do this, they avoid doing things that might rock the boat or upset anyone.
• Nice Guys believe they must hide their perceived flaws and mistakes. These men are afraid that others will get mad at them, shame them, or leave them if some mistake or shortcoming is exposed.
• Nice Guys seek the “right” way to do things. Nice Guys believe there is a key to having a happy, problem-free life. They are convinced that if they can only figure out the right way to do everything, nothing should ever go wrong.
• Nice Guys repress their feelings. Nice Guys tend to analyze rather than feel. They may see feelings as a waste of time and energy. They frequently try to keep their feelings on an even keel.
• Nice Guys often try to be different from their fathers. Many Nice Guys report having unavailable, absent, passive, angry, philandering, or alcoholic fathers. It is not unusual for these men to make a decision at some point in their lives to try to be 180 degrees different from Dad.
• Nice Guys are often more comfortable relating to women[…] « traits they link to “other” men.
• Nice Guys have difficulty making their needs a priority. These men often feel that it is selfish to put their needs first. They believe it is a virtue to put others’ needs ahead of their own.
• Nice Guys often make their partner their emotional center. Many Nice Guys report that they are only happy if their partner is happy. Therefore they will often focus tremendous energy on their intimate relationships. »

And another one ...

What’s Wrong With Being A Nice Guy?

We might be tempted to minimize the problem of the Nice Guy Syndrome. After all, how can being nice be such a bad thing? We might even chuckle at the Marvin Milquetoast behaviors of these men as portrayed in comic strips and television sitcoms. Since men already represent an easy target in our culture, the caricature of a sensitive guy might be an object of amusement rather than concern.

Nice Guys themselves frequently have a difficult time grasping the depth and seriousness of their beliefs and behaviors. When I begin working with these passively pleasing men, almost without exception, they all ask, “What is wrong with being a Nice Guy?” Having picked up this book and puzzled over the title, you may be wondering the same thing. »

« By giving these men the label Nice Guy, I’m not so much referring to their actual behavior, but to their core belief system about themselves and the world around them. These men have been conditioned to believe that if they are “nice,” they will be loved, get their needs met, and have a smooth life.

The term Nice Guy is actually a misnomer because Nice Guys are often anything but nice. Here are some Not-So-Nice Traits of Nice Guys:

• Nice Guys are dishonest. These men hide their mistakes, avoid conflict, say what they think people want to hear, and repress their feelings. These traits make Nice Guys fundamentally dishonest.
• Nice Guys are secretive. Because they are so driven to seek approval, Nice Guys will hide anything that they believe might upset anyone. The Nice Guy motto is, “If at first you don’t succeed, hide the evidence.”
• Nice Guys are compartmentalized. Nice Guys are adept at harmonizing contradictory pieces of information about themselves by separating them into individual compartments in their minds. Therefore, a married man can create his own definition of fidelity which allows him to deny that he had an affair with his secretary « (or intern) because he never put his ***** in her ******.
• Nice Guys are manipulative. Nice Guys tend to have a hard time making their needs a priority and have difficulty asking for what they want in clear and direct ways. This creates a sense of powerlessness. Therefore, they frequently resort to manipulation when trying to get their needs met.
• Nice Guys are controlling. A major priority for Nice Guys is keeping their world smooth. This creates a constant need to try to control the people and things around them.
• Nice Guys give to get. Though Nice Guys tend to be generous givers, their giving often has unconscious and unspoken strings attached. They want to be appreciated, they want some kind of reciprocation, they want someone to stop being angry at them, etc. Nice Guys often report feeling frustrated or resentful as a result of giving so much while seemingly getting so little in return.
• Nice Guys are passive-aggressive. Nice Guys tend to express their frustration and resentment in indirect, roundabout, and not so nice ways. This includes being unavailable, forgetting, being late, not following through, not being able to get an erection, climaxing too quickly, and repeating the same annoying behaviors even when they have promised to never do them again.
• Nice Guys are full of rage. Though Nice Guys frequently deny ever getting angry, a lifetime of frustration and resentment creates a pressure cooker of repressed rage deep inside these men. This rage tends to erupt at some of the most unexpected and seemingly inappropriate times.
• Nice Guys are addictive. Addictive behavior serves the purpose of relieving stress, altering  « moods, or medicating pain. Since Nice Guys tend to keep so much bottled up inside, it has to come out somewhere. One of the most common addictive behaviors for Nice Guys is sexual compulsiveness.
• Nice Guys have difficulty setting boundaries. Many Nice Guys have a hard time saying “no,” “stop,” or “I’m going to.” They often feel like helpless victims and see the other person as the cause of the problems they are experiencing.
• Nice Guys are frequently isolated. Though Nice Guys desire to be liked and loved, their behaviors actually make it difficult for people to get very close to them.
• Nice Guys are often attracted to people and situations that need fixing. This behavior is often the result of the Nice Guy’s childhood conditioning, his need to look good, or his quest for approval. Unfortunately, this tendency pretty much guarantees that Nice Guys will spend most of their time putting out fires and managing crises.
• Nice Guys frequently have problems in intimate relationships. Though Nice Guys often put tremendous emphasis on this part of their lives, their intimate relationships are frequently a source of struggle and frustration. For example:

    • Nice Guys are often terrible listeners because they are too busy trying to figure out how to   
    defend themselves or fix the other person’s problem.
    • Because of their fear of conflict, they are frequently dishonest and are rarely available to   
    work all the way through a problem.
    • It is not unusual for Nice Guys to form relationships with partners whom they believe to be  
    “projects” or “diamonds in the rough.” When these projects don’t polish up as expected,

• Nice Guys tend to blame their partner for standing in the way of their happiness.
• Nice Guys have issues with sexuality. Though most Nice Guys deny having problems with ***, I have yet to meet one who isn’t either dissatisfied with his *** life, has a sexual dysfunction (can’t get or maintain an erection, climaxes too quickly), or has sexually acted out (through affairs, prostitution, ****ography, compulsive masturbation, etc.).
• Nice Guys are usually only relatively successful. The majority of Nice Guys I’ve met have been talented, intelligent, and moderately successful. Almost without exception though, they fail to live up to their full potential. »

 

[VanillaCreme]

Being nice in itself isn't an issue. Things are only a problem if you make them one.

 

[Xplorer]

I will answer that reply with this. For most females, who would they like to fresia? The nice guy seeking women's approval or the confident biker?

 

[VanillaCreme]

I will answer that reply with this. For most females, who would they like to fresia? The nice guy seeking women's approval or the confident biker?

As a woman, whoever I want. Nice or mean, purple or green, that's my choice. It's not a cut and paste situation. If there's a guy, nice or not, doing nothing but seeking my approval, I probably won't want to deal with that. That kind of approval seeking is irksome to me. Confident biker? Well, I've never been into bikers, but if I liked a person enough, sure. He won't impress me simply because he's confident. Confidence is good, don't get me wrong, but that's a personal thing.

Like I said, being nice isn't bad in itself. It's the attitude that most likely comes surrounding it that is just about irritating. The "I'm nice, why won't anyone date me" attitude. If a guy came up to me thinking that I'll date him just because he's nice, it won't work with me. There shouldn't be any entitlement there for being a nice person. People who expect to get what they want just because they're being a decent person is probably why this whole "nice guy" thing even has a stigma towards it.

 

[ardour]

As far as I can tell from what you've copy n pasted, it's a bunch of regurgitated stereotypes and cheap shots at passive socially awkward men. Either you fit a masculine ideal as defined by the author, or you're a worthless passive aggressive piece of **** who deserves nothing out of life.

The author's basically a hack peddling PUA repackaged as general life advice.

Yes some men see being nice as a kind of currency used extract rewards from others, but there's a greater number, probably the majority, who have been conditioned into thinking being nice and agreeable is just how you should behave (and that good things should hopefully follow).

Regarding 'Giving to get': wanting appreciation and a degree of reciprocation is not exclusive to 'Nice Guys', rather Nice Guys tend to 'give' to people who don't want or value their help.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Those books are crap, IMO. When you resort to reading those book, I believe you fall into the "trying too hard" category. Seriously, why can't you just be yourself. If you want to read self help books, try the ones that focus on YOURSELF, like being more confident or having a better outlook in life or not caring what other people think of you.

As for who I would *.....I would choose the guy I want to be in a relationship with. Maybe I would want the genuinely nice guy biker over the thinks he's a nice average guy but is really a negative jerk. Holy cow, again with the damn stereotypes. Stop worrying about what everyone else has and start worrying about yourself.

 

[Xplorer]

Those books are crap, IMO. When you resort to reading those book, I believe you fall into the "trying too hard" category. Seriously, why can't you just be yourself. If you want to read self help books, try the ones that focus on YOURSELF, like being more confident or having a better outlook in life or not caring what other people think of you.

As for who I would ****.....I would choose the guy I want to be in a relationship with. Maybe I would want the genuinely nice guy biker over the thinks he's a nice average guy but is really a negative jerk. Holy cow, again with the damn stereotypes. Stop worrying about what everyone else has and start worrying about yourself.

In fact, if you were reading this book you will notice that it focuses mostly on OURSELVES, being confident and not caring what other people think of you. It's exactly the same thing you said a book should focus.

Dont just look at the book's title.

 

[TheRealCallie]

If it was just focused on LIFE, I would agree, but no, that book is geared more toward how to get a girl. How to "fix" yourself so you can get a girl and/or have all the *** you want.

Stop labeling yourself (applies to everyone). I don't care if you are a "nice guy" or are on the spectrum or have bipolar or OCD or have diabetes or whatever....it does not matter what your "label" is. The only thing that matters is what kind of person you are, how you treat others, how you interact with others. Fix yourself for YOU, not so you can get a someone else and not for the benefit of someone else. Just YOU.

 

[Xplorer]

Have you read the book? The entire book? This is not a pickup artist book. And I forgot to say that this book is only for men. Not for women by the way.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Have you read the book? The entire book? This is not a pickup artist book. And I forgot to say that this book is only for men. Not for women by the way.

I don't have to read the book, I can see for myself, through a tiny bit of research what the book actually is.  lol

Doesn't matter what genitals I have, the book is what it is.  If you don't want to see it as it is, that's fine, but that doesn't change what it is....even ardour (who is a man) knows what it really is. lol

 

[Xplorer]

So why this book have been reviewed by more than 800 men and got a 4.5 stars on 5 on amazon.com?

 

[TheRealCallie]

You do know that Amazon has A LOT of fake reviews, right? People get paid to write good reviews, regardless of whether they actually liked the product or even used/read it.

On the other side, if they are genuine reviews....there are a lot of people out there that take stock in that kind of thing, so of course the alpha males or even the wannabes are going to eat that **** up.

 

[Xplorer]

Well, from what I saw since I subscribed to this forum I think they should rename it as "The negativity life". I am trying to help people by talking about this great book and the only comments I have are from people that have not read the damn book and think it is another pickup artist or manipulation book.

 

[VanillaCreme]

So why this book have been reviewed by more than 800 men and got a 4.5 stars on 5 on amazon.com?

What does that matter? You're acting like just because it's popular that it's absolutely correct about everything that it claims and nothing else could be the truth. Popularity doesn't automatically mean right. Books like that are mainly opinions, just like someone's written word here. So why is the book so right, and people here can't possibly be? Read the book all you want, that doesn't make much a difference to anyone here. But it's not fact. It's someone's outlook on situations and issues.

 

[Xpendable]

Only in a perverse society, we will consider being a good human being as a big flaw. Sadly, that's the society we are now.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I also want to add that there is NOTHING wrong with being confident. "Nice guys" can be confident too. That's where the line is drawn, there is a major difference between confidence and arrogance. Books like that, imo, are teaching people how to be arrogant.

 

[michael2]

This really just boils down to 'nice guys' being picked on because apparently they arent as attractive to women as other men,  notably the 'bad boys'.  'Bad boys' (really any human) are just as flawed but get a pass because they apparently can 'get the girl' and have her addicted to them.  Give the nice guy the girls and the money,  and instead of books bashing him,  there will be books praising him.  

Books like this make stereotyped 'nice guys' feel like they're super flawed,  and everyone else is not,  which is obviously crap. 

Its also pretty funny most of those 'not-so-nice-guy traits' are seen in bad boy PUAs,  not just 'nice guys'.

 

[ardour]

This really just boils down to 'nice guys' being picked on because apparently they arent as attractive to women as other men,  notably the 'bad boys'.  'Bad boys' (really any human) are just as flawed but get a pass because they apparently can 'get the girl' and have her addicted to them.  Give the nice guy the girls and the money,  and instead of books bashing him,  there will be books praising him.  

Books like this make stereotyped 'nice guys' feel like they're super flawed,  and everyone else is not,  which is obviously crap. 

Its also pretty funny most of those 'not-so-nice-guy traits' are seen in bad boy PUAs,  not just 'nice guys'.

You're right, most of these negative traits are common across different personality types.'Nice guys' are just an easy, socially acceptable target to point the finger at and exploit in this case.

 

[Sci-Fi]

I get so sick of this "Nice Guy" crap, its been beaten to death by therapists and these so called life gurus to categorize men into two groups, nice guys and bad boys. It's disgusting. I see that term used so often by guys who claim to be these so called nice guys who really aren't. Being a real nice guy isn't the fabrication we see on TV or that anyone wants to stereotype it into, or any of those traits that were listed, which is laughable. People will spew any king of psychobabble to sell books. Being a real nice guy is simply being a nice person. You don't expect anything in return, you don't expect the universe to hand you a thank you for being nice, you don't expect women to fall into your lap. This isn't television or the movies or some stupid romance novel or fairy tale. You want something from life you have to work for it, you have to earn it. You want to be a real nice guy, just simply try being a nice person.

 

[ardour]

^ironically that sounds like a lot of what is being peddled in the book.

How many people can say they act out of purely altruistic motives in all their actions towards others? People who have what they want will often 'punch down', hold those who don't to standards they would never apply to themselves.