The "why do I always have to be the one" issue

[Mike413]

I suppose this could also go in the loneliness thread.

Anyway, I spend a lot of time a lone because I kind of refuse to try to make friends. I've had a lot of friends in the past. Usually it was me initiating the friendship.

But my issue is I refuse to do it these days because it seems like it's always me who has to be the one initiating the relationship. I can understand it for women since men have been conditioned to be the ones to initiate that for the most part and are almost always the ones who are expected to pursue the woman. I am referring to just friends in general though. Why do I always have to be the one pursuing the friendship?

So because of this dilemma I'd rather just not put in the effort and I'm ok with being a lone. Sure, it would be nice to have some friends especially a little group of friends but I'm not willing to put my foot out there and make that investment. I'm barely able to even want to do that for a woman.

 

[9006]

I wouldn't just stop looking for friendship just because of this. I understand what your getting at but if you never put your foot out there nothing will ever happen, and how do you know the opposite person doesn't feel the same?

 

[Triple Bogey]

I suppose this could also go in the loneliness thread.

Anyway, I spend a lot of time a lone because I kind of refuse to try to make friends. I've had a lot of friends in the past. Usually it was me initiating the friendship.

But my issue is I refuse to do it these days because it seems like it's always me who has to be the one initiating the relationship. I can understand it for women since men have been conditioned to be the ones to initiate that for the most part and are almost always the ones who are expected to pursue the woman. I am referring to just friends in general though. Why do I always have to be the one pursuing the friendship?

So because of this dilemma I'd rather just not put in the effort and I'm ok with being a lone. Sure, it would be nice to have some friends especially a little group of friends but I'm not willing to put my foot out there and make that investment. I'm barely able to even want to do that for a woman.

I am like this too. I could send text messages or facebook messages to people and I would get replies and they would say 'take care' or 'speak soon' - but like yourself, it is always me (especially with people who I know).

This year I have stopped all of it and guess what ? Nobody much gets in touch anymore.

 

[Seeker]

People are accustomed to making good friends at school or college and stick with them, not needing to make new ones later in life. I do not suggest that this always is the case, but it is what generally happens where i live, so yeah.

 

[Mike413]

I wouldn't just stop looking for friendship just because of this. I understand what your getting at but if you never put your foot out there nothing will ever happen, and how do you know the opposite person doesn't feel the same?

What opposite person? There is no opposite person if I don't reach out.

Like I said I'm just tired and burnt out. I'm much older than most people on here(I'm guessing)so I'm really just not into this "game" anymore. I know it might sound arrogant but I'm just don't have the patience for it(unless it's a woman and even then....). I'm really just venting here. There's more to life such as reading, going out and doing things, etc. Also, I sometimes go to internet "meetup" groups where I meet people but even there I'm often loathe to put much effort into it. However, it's a group of people so it doesn't feel like I'm putting much effort into it even if I do initiate a conversation which inevitably I will do in that situation but I'm not really trying to make friends there either.

 

[Triple Bogey]

I wouldn't just stop looking for friendship just because of this. I understand what your getting at but if you never put your foot out there nothing will ever happen, and how do you know the opposite person doesn't feel the same?

What opposite person? There is no opposite person if I don't reach out.

Like I said I'm just tired and burnt out. I'm much older than most people on here(I'm guessing)so I'm really just not into this "game" anymore. I know it might sound arrogant but I'm just don't have the patience for it(unless it's a woman and even then....). I'm really just venting here. There's more to life such as reading, going out and doing things, etc. Also, I sometimes go to internet "meetup" groups where I meet people but even there I'm often loathe to put much effort into it. However, it's a group of people so it doesn't feel like I'm putting much effort into it even if I do initiate a conversation which inevitably I will do in that situation but I'm not really trying to make friends there either.

nothing wrong with taking a time out for awhile.

 

[GearsOfWar93]

Things like that can be irritating you put in all the work and you wonder how come no one can do the same for me. "Aren't I worth anyone's time?" Friends are usually made up of a negative and a positive. Friends dont happen to come along and become friends out of the blue someone has to put the effort in. It can leave you feeling lonely but sometimes its better this way. You can target better who you want to be friends with. Many people have trouble making friends and get tired of having to start a conversation first or put in the work the reality is its not always a two way street. If someone chooses not to be the one that reaches out then they just end up being the dead end of the street. From someone not reaching out to people no one is losing out more then the person that has to reach out. You think ha ill show them but your just showing yourself the side of loneliness.

---

Things like that can be irritating you put in all the work and you wonder how come no one can do the same for me. "Aren't I worth anyone's time?" Friends are usually made up of a negative and a positive. Friends dont happen to come along and become friends out of the blue someone has to put the effort in. It can leave you feeling lonely but sometimes its better this way. You can target better who you want to be friends with. Many people have trouble making friends and get tired of having to start a conversation first or put in the work the reality is its not always a two way street. If someone chooses not to be the one that reaches out then they just end up being the dead end of the street. From someone not reaching out to people no one is losing out more then the person that has to reach out. You think ha ill show them but your just showing yourself the side of loneliness.

 

[Mike413]

People are accustomed to making good friends at school or college and stick with them, not needing to make new ones later in life. I do not suggest that this always is the case, but it is what generally happens where i live, so yeah.

I think this is what happens in general pretty much everywhere. However, I will go one step further and say that many people make a lot if not most of their close friends even earlier like in grade school or maybe they know them from the neighborhood where they were growing up. For someone like me who moved around a lot it's a bit different and partly explains why I had a hard time making friends.

 

[Seeker]

People are accustomed to making good friends at school or college and stick with them, not needing to make new ones later in life. I do not suggest that this always is the case, but it is what generally happens where i live, so yeah.

I think this is what happens in general pretty much everywhere. However, I will go one step further and say that many people make a lot if not most of their close friends even earlier like in grade school or maybe they know them from the neighborhood where they were growing up. For someone like me who moved around a lot it's a bit different and partly explains why I had a hard time making friends.

I get you man, having moved twice I find it was hard making friends all over, fortunately I had already made my best friends in high school and college so I had people around me (case in point of what I was talking about on my previous post).

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Most of the time people seem to approach me and want to be friends, and I usually end up finding some way to reject their offer due to fear...

 

[Mike413]

Wow, that has rarely if ever happened with me. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be a movie star or rock star or some other kind of celebrity who gets approached a lot. If I get approached it's from some short woman in the grocery store who wants me to get the can or box on the top shelf for her. Other than that not so much.

I notice this same thing with relatives though. I was at my niece's birthday party yesterday and most of the people there are all busy talking to each other. When I get there people barely say anything to me. No "high Mike, how are you?" what have you been up to?" Nothing like that at all. They are all too busy talking to each other. I often find myself talking a lot and going out of my way to talk to them so it's interesting to see what happens when I lay low and don't say anything(or not much).

 

[jayme89]

I think that initiating by simply being an open and friendly person is all a person should do. I've learned to never go out of my way to make a friend or get someone to like me. People can sense desperation and they feed off of it and take advantage of it. If i know that i'm a good person and people don't seem to want to be friends with me, i just don't take it personally because i'm not interested in being friends with the majority of people myself. The friendships that have lasted the longest for me started very organically. No one "tried" to make the other their friend. We just clicked. Thats how i feel it should be. I have had issues with always being the initiator in hanging out or calling friends however. What i did to fix that is bring it up and let them know it bothers me. I tell them " when i'm the one who has to call you and i'm the one who has to set things up it makes me feel like i'm doing all the work and you may not care as much as me". It usually works. But I also choose to respect my friends personalities and if they tell me, they just aren't initiators or don't like calling people in general and its not personal against me, I try to respect that. i've been friends with my bestie for 8 yrs now and she's FINALLY becoming an initiator. so it may just take time for the other party to get the picture.

 

[Tiina63]

Hi Mike, it is exhausting when you are the one doing the work and noone seems to be interested in you back. It does hurt when you meet relatives or any social group and they hardly acknowledge you, while others are treated immediately as if their arrival is the greatest thing to ever happen. And then, when you leave, hardly anyone says goodbye or notices you leave, while others are treated to a round of goodbyes, hugs and see you soons.
Are you an introvert by nature? I am, and often feel that others don't even see me, somehow. It is as if I go under their radar.
My dad was the same. I don't know what it is. Maybe we give off the wrong sort of signals, or something.

 

[ardour]

I think it's a symptom of a society where narcissism runs unabated, people not willing to meet each other half way, one person is always in pursuit mode (be it relationships or just friendship), power games.

I don't know why it's "always you", probably because your'e more emotionally invested in the outcome, they might already have friends, but it's depressing whatever way you look at it.

As someone said be friendly but you shouldn't have to go out of your way all the time.

 

[Mike413]

Well if that isn't their personality then how do they expect to have friends. At the moment I don't feel I have any real friends. There's one guy who probably considers me a friend and a bunch of people on facebook who I don't consider real friends either. The one guy who was sort of my friend just rarely calls me and I was always the one calling him. He's just a dead beat friend. I've mentioned it to him but he just seems to give me a guilt trip about it. I'm just tired of it. I'm better off by myself and to be honest with you I waste too much ******* time talking about it. I brought it up here because for me it's something I needed to get off my chest.

---

Hi Mike, it is exhausting when you are the one doing the work and noone seems to be interested in you back. It does hurt when you meet relatives or any social group and they hardly acknowledge you, while others are treated immediately as if their arrival is the greatest thing to ever happen. And then, when you leave, hardly anyone says goodbye or notices you leave, while others are treated to a round of goodbyes, hugs and see you soons.
Are you an introvert by nature? I am, and often feel that others don't even see me, somehow. It is as if I go under their radar.
My dad was the same. I don't know what it is. Maybe we give off the wrong sort of signals, or something.

No, I'm not really an introvert but I am becoming one. What I mean is that even though I don't have any close or good friends at the moment I can be outgoing and friendly but at some point you just get burnt out on it. I just need to learn to be ok with silence or not talking so much even in a social setting.

What you said is kind of my experience. My cousin has her little circle and it includes my other cousin and other people. I just sometimes decide to step back and not say so much but when I do people don't seem to initiate conversation with me. If you say anything about it then you are being paranoid and sensitive so basically you just can't win.