There has never been a better time for online dating

[bender22]

I know some people on here don't like online dating.

But even if you've struggled with online dating in the past, I'd urge you to get onto online dating apps right now (if you're single).

With everyone stuck at home in quarantine, online dating has never been so good. I've had more success with online dating in these past few months than I've ever had. And I know a lot of guys saying the same thing.

People are bored. They are spending more time on Tinder, Bumble and other apps than ever before. 

Even if you don't want to meet up with people right now, it's still a good opportunity to work on your texting and learn the ropes of online dating. And then perhaps you can still meet up with some of your matches once the pandemic is over. Or you can set up a Facetime date like some people are.

If you're looking for a significant other or any sort of casual relationship and you're not using online dating right now, believe me..now is the time to get on there!

 

[el Jay]

Why bother? They'll just ghost you once lockdown is over and they can go out and see other people again. If someone had trouble finding anyone interested in them before, it's not going to be any different once it ends. It'll just give people false hope that things can get better, when that is, in fact, an absolute lie.

 

[bender22]

Why bother? They'll just ghost you once lockdown is over and they can go out and see other people again. If someone had trouble finding anyone interested in them before, it's not going to be any different once it ends. It'll just give people false hope that things can get better, when that is, in fact, an absolute lie.

Not sure how it's a 'an absolute lie.'

I didn't use to have much success with online dating. Then I spent some time figuring it out and it got better. Since coronavirus, it's got a lot better! 

If you're getting ghosted, you're doing something wrong.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I have to agree with you, Bender. More people are going to turn to online dating, I think, since they can't go out. More people are going to be opening up online and giving others a chance.
I said the same thing at the start of this. It would be the perfect time because there wouldn't be pressure to go out and meet right away. You could take your time and get to know someone better.

 

[Cucuboth]

Have been trying it yet again the last month. Tinder, Bumble, OKCupid, eHarmony, ect ect ect. Lost count of the number of messages I have sent. How many have I got? Or have replied or responded.

0.

Yep. Nobody. Nothing. Even trying to start conversations on FB and Twitter just doesn’t work. Keep seeing things where people say that it is a great time for online dating, and reaching out and finding people to talk with. Yet, I haven’t seen any of it.

 

[el Jay]

Have been trying it yet again the last month. Tinder, Bumble, OKCupid, eHarmony, ect ect ect. Lost count of the number of messages I have sent. How many have I got? Or have replied or responded.

0.

Yep. Nobody. Nothing. Even trying to start conversations on FB and Twitter just doesn’t work. Keep seeing things where people say that it is a great time for online dating, and reaching out and finding people to talk with. Yet, I haven’t seen any of it.

This is exactly what I meant by my earlier post. For people like myself who just have a lot of trouble meeting people and getting responses online, it isn't any easier right now.

Not sure how it's a 'an absolute lie.'

I didn't use to have much success with online dating. Then I spent some time figuring it out and it got better. Since coronavirus, it's got a lot better! 

If you're getting ghosted, you're doing something wrong.

Well, first of all, no, I wouldn't say that being ghosted means the person is "doing something wrong." From situations where I've been ghosted, or know someone who ghosted someone else, it seems like it is very possible it happens because the person DOING the ghosting has something wrong, and quite often because they are too cowardly to just say something to the other person, even if it was something as simple as "bye" without an explanation. They just want to terminate that social connection without any effort or emotional cost to themselves, no matter what it may mean for the person they are ghosting.

In fact, I'd say the opposite: the person doing the ghosting is doing something wrong.

But never mind the ghosting part, what, exactly, did you "figure out" about online dating to find more success? Surely you can tell us that much if you're also going to accuse me of "doing something wrong" to get ghosted.

 

[Cucuboth]

Have been trying it yet again the last month. Tinder, Bumble, OKCupid, eHarmony, ect ect ect. Lost count of the number of messages I have sent. How many have I got? Or have replied or responded.

0.

Yep. Nobody. Nothing. Even trying to start conversations on FB and Twitter just doesn’t work. Keep seeing things where people say that it is a great time for online dating, and reaching out and finding people to talk with. Yet, I haven’t seen any of it.

This is exactly what I meant by my earlier post. For people like myself who just have a lot of trouble meeting people and getting responses online, it isn't any easier right now.

Not sure how it's a 'an absolute lie.'

I didn't use to have much success with online dating. Then I spent some time figuring it out and it got better. Since coronavirus, it's got a lot better! 

If you're getting ghosted, you're doing something wrong.

Well, first of all, no, I wouldn't say that being ghosted means the person is "doing something wrong." From situations where I've been ghosted, or know someone who ghosted someone else, it seems like it is very possible it happens because the person DOING the ghosting has something wrong, and quite often because they are too cowardly to just say something to the other person, even if it was something as simple as "bye" without an explanation. They just want to terminate that social connection without any effort or emotional cost to themselves, no matter what it may mean for the person they are ghosting.

In fact, I'd say the opposite: the person doing the ghosting is doing something wrong.

But never mind the ghosting part, what, exactly, did you "figure out" about online dating to find more success? Surely you can tell us that much if you're also going to accuse me of "doing something wrong" to get ghosted.

Yes Bender22, tell us what you did to get success! Tbh, have had quite a few of these over the years, and they all end up being just after $$$ to reveal their so called ‘secret’. 

Agree. Most of the time the person doing the ghosting is the one with the problem. Lacks maturity to not even be able to say that they aren’t interested, or to say goodbye.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I would say most of the time, if a person completely ignores everything about you, it's usually because it got awkward or there was too much clinging and neediness. Yeah, there are some ******* out there who will just not bother with you if he/she's not interested, but there's usually a reason if it happens. Perhaps it's all the negativity and the fact that you've given up before you even try.

Right now, there are people on dating sites that don't normally go on those sites, so you have a bigger chance of meeting someone. As far as you not getting any messages back, what exactly are you sending in these messages? Are you just sending "Hi, how are you" or are you trying to personalize it, put some effort into it?

 

[bender22]

Yes Bender22, tell us what you did to get success! Tbh, have had quite a few of these over the years, and they all end up being just after $$$ to reveal their so called ‘secret’. 

Agree. Most of the time the person doing the ghosting is the one with the problem. Lacks maturity to not even be able to say that they aren’t interested, or to say goodbye.

I don't have a 'secret' and I'm not after $$$

Real Callie is exactly right. If someone goes silent, there was probably too much neediness, clinginess or you got too boring.

I have seen online dating conversations from guys who are failing with online dating. And almost always there are obvious reasons why they're not getting responses or getting ghosted.

Sometimes you can argue that it's immature when people ghost you. There are definitely some rude people on online dating just seeking attention. But most of the time, if you're getting ghosted, you did something to cause that. Show me some convos where you got ghosted and I'll show you where you went wrong.

Nobody owes you anything on online dating. Just because someone exchanged a few messages with you doesn't mean they have to give you an explanation if they don't want to talk anymore.

Anyway, to answer your question...

Firstly, I don't claim to have it all figured out. There are guys who are doing better than me with online dating. But I seem to be doing a lot better than many guys.

1. Get good quality photos. Pay a photographer $50 - $100 to get some proper photos if you need to. Make sure you have good quality, properly fitting clothes for your photos. This will give you a way better chance of getting matches and responses.

2. Figure out some good opening messages that will get a response. Most guys don't get responses because they send boring **** like 'hey what's up' 'hows it going' on their first message. Or they go too sexual on the first message. You can just google tinder opening messages to find some. Or copy mine which gets a response most of the time - "hey can I ask you a question" Women will usually respond because they're curious to know what the question is.

3. Think a few steps ahead. If you want to be talking about drinking wine together in a few messages, then consider what you can send her/him now to lead the conversation in that direction.

4. Get to the point fast. Don't take days or weeks to ask her or him on a date. A lot of girls will get bored quickly if you don't get to the point. Especially if you're texting isn't very good yet. The longer the conversation goes on, the more likely you will screw it up.

5. Show you have value. Ideally you want to convey this through your pictures and bio. But even still, you want to do this through your messages. There will usually be multiple opportunities to do this in a conversation but most guys waste them. Eg. if she asks you what you did on the weekend, don't say 'not much, just watched netflix.' That signals that you have a boring life and you're a low value person. Make it sound like you had an amazing weekend. Or if you really didn't do anything, make that sound exciting. "Oh it was amazing, I finally got a chance to just relax for a while!" If you have an interesting job, find a way to bring that into the conversation.

6. Don't get stuck in boring/platonic conversation. Move it towards something more interesting. Going in a sexual direction usually works. People are interested in sexual topics. Just don't jump straight in the deep end. Ease your way into it and gauge her response.

Those are the main things that have helped me that I can think of right now. Ask if anything is unclear.

BTW, Tinder has opened their passport feature to all users recently, meaning you can swipe in any city in the world.

Use this an an opportunity to get feedback from girls or guys. Swipe in a big city like New York, London, Moscow... More people, so you're more likely to get matches. Then ask them what they think of your photos. Ask them what type of guy they think you would be based on your profile. Ask them what's your best photo. You'll get some helpful feedback.

 

[el Jay]

Thank you for giving an actual answer to the question, bender22.

However, in regards to ghosting, it's not that simple. I've had lots of conversations that just didn't work and ended up just going silent. I'm aware that being uninteresting can lead to them losing interest, and there are plenty of situations where things just don't click and everything said just feels forced. I've even had situations that, looking back, I was definitely awkward and probably screwed it up somehow. But then there are ones where a person just vanishes, sometimes after talking for weeks, where nothing happened, nothing went wrong, there wasn't boredom or awkwardness (at least that I could tell, and it's usually pretty obvious).

Those last ones are what I generally mean when I talk about ghosting, just the out of nowhere times that leave you wondering what the **** you did wrong and questioning whether you did something wrong or the other person is the ****** up one. The ones where things were going well and they just vanished, after you were somewhat emotionally invested and enjoying their company. That's different than someone not responding to you on a dating site after 2 replies that were to boring and generic "hey, what's up" messages.

And while I realize no one "owes" me anything, and they're perfectly entitled to drop the conversation and ignore me at any time for any reason, that goes both ways. I'm perfectly entitled to hold it against that person for doing that, not to mention that it's a violation of basic social rules to not give at least some indication of terminating the conversation, especially if the other person asks if they are still around or something similar.

I can definitely see exceptions, such as if someone is being extremely clingy, awkward, making overly suggestive comments without building the rapport to allow for it, and so on. But those are situations I don't think people in my situation (including a friend of mine irl with even worse relationship luck than me; and I assume Cucuboth as well) are getting into when they are ghosted.

But hell, even the topic of ghosting is only a part of the problem. I generally never get responses to anything on dating sites (less than 10 responses in 9 years of checking them off and on every couple months for a week or two). And I do open with something more interesting than "hey what's up?"; in fact, I usually try to angle for something that brings up a potential question about them that also ties to something of mine. Or sometimes even just a comment about something on their profile, usually with no intention of ever seeing a reply. Sadly, that strategy has gotten me more replies than any actual attempt at conversation (and also sadly, a few of those times we didn't actually have anything in common, and I only sent the message to just offer a comment that I felt needed to be said, with nothing more than the hope it maybe made her smile for a second).

 

[Xpendable]

For men sure is not. 3-year spam

 

[Cucuboth]

Don’t even get to the conversation stage. Like I have said, no replies, no responses. And yeah, I have followed some of the steps Bender said. Paid for photos to be taken (cost a bit more than $50-100 I can tell you). Have tried the “can I ask you a question?” line. No response. It is Ok if you get people responding and taking to you, but I don’t even get that!

No, nobody owes you anything, but, I think it is still impolite to just stop responding to someone you have been talking to. Unless they have been rude and insulting or creepy in some way of course. Maybe I just come from a different generation, where it is polite to just even say “sorry, but not interested”.

---

I would say most of the time, if a person completely ignores everything about you, it's usually because it got awkward or there was too much clinging and neediness.  Yeah, there are some ******* out there who will just not bother with you if he/she's not interested, but there's usually a reason if it happens.  Perhaps it's all the negativity and the fact that you've given up before you even try.

Right now, there are people on dating sites that don't normally go on those sites, so you have a bigger chance of meeting someone.  As far as you not getting any messages back, what exactly are you sending in these messages?  Are you just sending "Hi, how are you" or are you trying to personalize it, put some effort into it?

Can’t be negative or positive if you’re not even getting to the conversations. Please don’t assume that someone has given up already without even knowing them at all. 

I try to be more personalised in messages, but, most people seem to list that they like the exact same things ... music, dogs, good food, ect ect ... it is almost like cut and paste most times. Not a whole lot you can do with that.

But I am thinking that the online dating is very different in other parts of the world than it is here in Australia.

 

[bender22]

El Jay, yeah it's annoying when someone disappears after you've been talking to them for a while. Did you try to meet up with them in those cases? If not, they might have just felt like you were wasting their time.

For men sure is not. 3-year spam

Are those your stats Xpendable?

Don’t even get to the conversation stage. Like I have said, no replies, no responses. And yeah, I have followed some of the steps Bender said. Paid for photos to be taken (cost a bit more than $50-100 I can tell you). Have tried the “can I ask you a question?” line. No response. It is Ok if you get people responding and taking to you, but I don’t even get that!

No, nobody owes you anything, but, I think it is still impolite to just stop responding to someone you have been talking to. Unless they have been rude and insulting or creepy in some way of course. Maybe I just come from a different generation, where it is polite to just even say “sorry, but not interested”.

---

I would say most of the time, if a person completely ignores everything about you, it's usually because it got awkward or there was too much clinging and neediness.  Yeah, there are some ******* out there who will just not bother with you if he/she's not interested, but there's usually a reason if it happens.  Perhaps it's all the negativity and the fact that you've given up before you even try.

Right now, there are people on dating sites that don't normally go on those sites, so you have a bigger chance of meeting someone.  As far as you not getting any messages back, what exactly are you sending in these messages?  Are you just sending "Hi, how are you" or are you trying to personalize it, put some effort into it?

Can’t be negative or positive if you’re not even getting to the conversations. Please don’t assume that someone has given up already without even knowing them at all. 

I try to be more personalised in messages, but, most people seem to list that they like the exact same things ... music, dogs, good food, ect ect ... it is almost like cut and paste most times. Not a whole lot you can do with that.

But I am thinking that the online dating is very different in other parts of the world than it is here in Australia.

---

I'm in Australia as well. What do you think is different about online dating here compared to other countries?

Are you able to share the photos you used? Either post them on here or PM me. Or if not, no worries. Even though it generally helps to get professionally taken photos, if your body language is off in those photos it will still be hard to get matches.

And what apps were you using?

 

[TheRealCallie]

Don’t even get to the conversation stage. Like I have said, no replies, no responses. And yeah, I have followed some of the steps Bender said. Paid for photos to be taken (cost a bit more than $50-100 I can tell you). Have tried the “can I ask you a question?” line. No response. It is Ok if you get people responding and taking to you, but I don’t even get that!

No, nobody owes you anything, but, I think it is still impolite to just stop responding to someone you have been talking to. Unless they have been rude and insulting or creepy in some way of course. Maybe I just come from a different generation, where it is polite to just even say “sorry, but not interested”.

---

I would say most of the time, if a person completely ignores everything about you, it's usually because it got awkward or there was too much clinging and neediness.  Yeah, there are some ******* out there who will just not bother with you if he/she's not interested, but there's usually a reason if it happens.  Perhaps it's all the negativity and the fact that you've given up before you even try.

Right now, there are people on dating sites that don't normally go on those sites, so you have a bigger chance of meeting someone.  As far as you not getting any messages back, what exactly are you sending in these messages?  Are you just sending "Hi, how are you" or are you trying to personalize it, put some effort into it?

Can’t be negative or positive if you’re not even getting to the conversations. Please don’t assume that someone has given up already without even knowing them at all. 

I try to be more personalised in messages, but, most people seem to list that they like the exact same things ... music, dogs, good food, ect ect ... it is almost like cut and paste most times. Not a whole lot you can do with that.

But I am thinking that the online dating is very different in other parts of the world than it is here in Australia.

---

If "Can I ask you a question" is all you put...ie, waiting to see if you are given permission before asking the question....that is annoying as hell.  At least to me.  It's like don't waste my time asking me if you can ask, just ask.   I don't know if others have that opinion as well, but yeah.  If I don't know you, I would not even bother replying to that.  I would roll my eyes and delete the message, so I would not recommend doing that, if you aren't also including the question. 

Well, with the negativity and positivity, I was more meaning your attitude about it all.  And the first initial message you are sending.  I don't really do online dating, can't stand it, actually.  I do have a profile though, just to kind of check things out.  My profile contains very little information and no picture, because I don't want to get a lot of messages and whatnot.  If I log in, I will get several messages. The majority of them are either "wanna have ***" (from both men and women), some form of "hi" or "how are you"  And honestly, I ignore them.  Partly because I don't want to date, partly because if you can't be bothered to take the time to form a more personalized message in getting to know me, why should I bother?  Give me more than just Hi or how are you.  Yeah, it can be tricky sometimes if they don't have a lot of information on their profile, but get creative. 
I had no intention of using the online dating at all.  I ignored most of the messages I got.  But then I got a message that was different.  It wasn't anything overly special, but you could tell he put effort into it. So I replied. We talked for a while, but didn't really have much in common, so we parted ways.  My point isn't that it was a success story, my point is that he piqued my interest because his message wasn't the same *** **** everyone sends.  So yeah, you should continue being more personalized.  Hell, even tell a completely random little story or talk about yourself a little.  Just keep trying and eventually someone will respond.   

The giving up before you start isn't that you have actually given up, it's that you probably think it's useless.  That no one is going to reply, or if they do, they will just ghost you etc etc, which could ultimately turn into self sabotage without you even realizing it.  It's likely all being done subconsciously.

 

[ardour]

... shows you how much attention women receive while putting in almost no effort (no profile info, no picture - and still dozens of messages)

Why would you have a profile at all then?

 

[TheRealCallie]

... shows you how much attention women receive while putting in almost no effort (no profile info, no picture - and still dozens of messages)

Why would you have a profile at all then?

Shows how much ardour pays attention....I believe I said why in my post. My profile also says that I do NOT want a relationship and I'm only looking around. Try reading.

Did it ever occur to you that maybe the problem isn't women? Considering how many *** proposals I get, I'd say it shows that men will **** anything with **** more than it shows anything about women.

 

[ardour]

What does "looking around" mean if not looking for a relationship? Are you looking or not? Sounds like you want it both ways.

 

[bender22]

If "Can I ask you a question" is all you put...ie, waiting to see if you are given permission before asking the question....that is annoying as hell.  At least to me.  It's like don't waste my time asking me if you can ask, just ask.   I don't know if others have that opinion as well, but yeah.  If I don't know you, I would not even bother replying to that.  I would roll my eyes and delete the message, so I would not recommend doing that, if you aren't also including the question. 

You're a harsh critic real callie! That question gets me a response about 80% of the time and has lead to many dates haha. But yes, there are better opening messages around.

Did it ever occur to you that maybe the problem isn't women?  Considering how many *** proposals I get, I'd say it shows that men will **** anything with **** more than it shows anything about women.

I agree with you that the problem isn't women...most of the time. But before jumping to the conclusion that men will **** anything with **** based on your online dating experience, think about the type of men you're going to attract with your profile.

You said you have no photos and limited information.

A profile like that is only going to attract the most desperate guys who have no other options. There is no way I would ever message an online dating profile that had no photos. Neither would any other man who has options and isn't desperate. Just like an attractive woman would almost certainly never message a guy who had no photos.

That being said, there obviously are lots of desperate men on online dating who will **** anything with ****. And they have nobody to blame but themselves for their lack of success. But my point is, with a profile like you described, you'll probably never interact with the 5%-10% of guys who have some standards and understand how to talk to women.

 

[TheRealCallie]

If "Can I ask you a question" is all you put...ie, waiting to see if you are given permission before asking the question....that is annoying as hell.  At least to me.  It's like don't waste my time asking me if you can ask, just ask.   I don't know if others have that opinion as well, but yeah.  If I don't know you, I would not even bother replying to that.  I would roll my eyes and delete the message, so I would not recommend doing that, if you aren't also including the question. 

You're a harsh critic real callie! That question gets me a response about 80% of the time and has lead to many dates haha. But yes, there are better opening messages around.

Lol, so maybe it's just me then. I don't know, I just really hate people asking me that. If it's someone I know personally, I will yell at them. I also yell at people for sending a text with just the letter k.

Did it ever occur to you that maybe the problem isn't women?  Considering how many *** proposals I get, I'd say it shows that men will **** anything with **** more than it shows anything about women.

I agree with you that the problem isn't women...most of the time. But before jumping to the conclusion that men will **** anything with **** based on your online dating experience, think about the type of men you're going to attract with your profile.

You said you have no photos and limited information.

A profile like that is only going to attract the most desperate guys who have no other options. There is no way I would ever message an online dating profile that had no photos. Neither would any other man who has options and isn't desperate. Just like an attractive woman would almost certainly never message a guy who had no photos.

That being said, there obviously are lots of desperate men on online dating who will **** anything with ****. And they have nobody to blame but themselves for their lack of success. But my point is, with a profile like you described, you'll probably never interact with the 5%-10% of guys who have some standards and understand how to talk to women.

Yeah, I don't believe all men, or even a good majority of them are like that in any way, I was just exaggerating on a major scale because certain people like to generalize women like that.
But seriously, I kept my profile very limited on purpose because I didn't want to waste the time of the people on there who are serious. I just made the profile because eventually I will want to date and I don't really care for online dating, but I wanted to see what type of guys in my area go on sites like that. In my immediate area, it seems like there are mostly rednecks, alcoholics and/or people I have nothing in common with (major outdoorsy types and whatnot), but I expected that because that's what is mostly in my area. If and when I am ready to date, I will redo my profile and add a picture if I decide to try online dating. I log in very rarely, maybe a few times a year.

 

[ardour]

As bender pointed out you've already pre-selected for creeps and desperate weirdos.