This Hurts...

[SophiaGrace]

I am realizing that what I am about to type might be incomprehensible or confusing. I am in a lot of emotional pain right now, because someone decided to chip away at the wall I had around myself. But then I found that I couldn't be with them because something inside of myself told me it felt wrong.

What is worse is that I am treating them like I treated my ex who I cared so much for. It is tearing me up inside. I just want someone I can talk to every day, feel close to and be with.

I cried myself to sleep last night and only managed to sleep a few hours. I think it is okay though to cry because it only means that I cared.

This is the price of taking down my wall. I will be okay eventually, I just don't know if I can continue trying to talk to them with this pain inside of me.

 

[jales]

what told you that it felt wrong? Did they do something wrong?

I hope you feel better soon, we all need someone to talk to everyday, we all need someone to feel connected to, we all need someone to know. Taking down your wall ultimately gives people much more pleasure than it gives pain, so dont give up on the idea of taking your wall down (at least not if the person in question, is someone who deserves you and will cherish your friendship as much as you cherish theirs).

 

[I'm Fine]

*hugs* I agree with Jales. Why did it feel wrong? Are you sure it wasn't just fear talking? When you're used to living behind walls, coming out of them and trusting someone can be very frightening. Sometimes there's a small voice inside that lies to us to try and keep us as we are.

Good luck and take care *hugs*

 

[SophiaGrace]

They didn't do anything wrong, I just need to be with someone that feels right to me. I still care about them though.

 

[I'm Fine]

I think the question is - WHY does it feel wrong? Can you identify it or is it some vague feeling you have but can't pin down?

(sorry if this is intrusive of me)

 

[IgnoredOne]

I'm going to assess the cues that you provided and proceed with the following hasty conclusions:

1) You've been hurt before; because of that, you've erected "walls" representing trust issues.

2) Someone is trying to gain your trust again, most likely romantically. You don't feel it is right, however, for some reason or another.

3) Simultaneous with the guilt you feel at rejecting them, it also evokes the reason why you have these trust issues. Therefore, you're being doubly torn up.

4) Ultimately, it makes you feel that not only are you lonely, you seem to be complicit in increasing your own loneliness and even opportunities that may reduce it seem to unleash a torrent of painful emotions.

For what it is worth, its always all right to cry; it does mean that you care. You aren't doing anything wrong persay, and I'm glad that you're aware that you may have some impact on others. I'm proud of you for having the courage to deal with the onslaught of emotions; many would shut down and evade.

And finally, for what it is worth, don't let the past imprison your present and future. Take lessons from it, but don't let it control you.

 

[SophiaGrace]

First, I want to say that I don't feel as sad now.

Second, that I wrote this thread so I wouldn't have to keep the original post inside of me and to myself because, well, those were/maybe still are painful emotions. I thank you for the feedback, I'm Fine, and decline politely to answer your question. I would rather not discuss why it felt wrong to me.

I apologize for that since I know you are only trying to be helpful.

Jales, even though this is very painful for me, I think I have come out of it with a better understanding of he valu of trust and what it can give to me with the right person.

I think what pained(and possibly will pain me in the future) me most about it is the knowledge that I will have to watch them walk away, the knowledge that I will have to move on as well.

 

[I'm Fine]

I thank you for the feedback, I'm Fine, and decline politely to answer your question. I would rather not discuss why it felt wrong to me.

I apologize for that since I know you are only trying to be helpful.

No apologies necessary. I understand that there are things that you don't want to talk about. It's fine.

I have a tendancy to ask too many questions and it can be annoying. I know this and try not to but sometimes I can't help myself. Sorry. And thank you for being so polite.

Take care and good luck *hugs*

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

I'm afraid I didn't fully understand the OP, but I feel I can identify with the sort of feeling described.

It's starting to feel like every time I "drop my guard" to someone I inevitably get the emotional equivalent of a sledgehammer to the balls, usually for no reason. I am absolutely sick of it.

It's got to the point where sometimes I just want to give up trying to get closer to people...if loneliness didn't hurt so much that is.

So I don't know if that shares similarities with your emotions when typing the OP, but I hope there is a shred of relevance there. I think everyone gets those kinds of feelings.

Whatever the root cause is, I hope you feel better soon

 

[evanescencefan91]

*hugs sophia*

I'm so sorry

it's hard to get close to people and sometimes it can be like walking on thin ice, you're so afraid of it cracking and giving way.

I hope things turn out better, if you can maybe explain to them that you still care for them but tell them you can't be with them becuase it doesn't feel right for you or something

but take solace in that many of us have been through similar things, and that after a while you will feel better

*hugs*

 

[nerdygirl]

Aww, Soph. You know you can always text me if you don't see me on Skype! *hugs*