Tired of living life in my head

[WallyBallz]

I really feel disconnected from the outer world like I am the only person like me. I lack the appropriate social skills needed to make friends, not very good looking (can throw at least 10 flaws on my face alone), emotionally frail, extremely low self esteem (about everything....I'm so pessimistic about anything I do,try,hope for...just know it won't come out in my favor), just do not understand anything about emotions at all (like when to be happy, sad, excited, etc.), don't feel like I have any healthy relationships to anyone close to me, and just losing interests in everything I use to enjoy.

For most of my life, I feel like I can not share any of my feelings to anyone. Whenever I share something about me, its thrown back in my face as a joke or used against me. Just really wish I had the confidence in my family and friends to open up and share my feelings, thoughts, and ideas to them instead of being this antisocial hermit. I use to have friends, but got tired of going out with them because I feel like I don't contribute anything that reflects my personality. I'm seen as the clown of the group but I'm really displaying this artificial version of me that is afraid to show I really am. I think maybe the last year or so, I might have revealed some of my insecurities about myself but no one would believe how spiritless I've become. I get by with temporary solutions to synthesize my happiness and most of the time it is out of my control. Maybe its my favorite sports team, activity, music, anything but when it falters, I usually go with it. Just really tired of living my life in my head (just thoughts of what I should say or do) and just have confidence to act on some impulses instead of being so over analytical about every action I think of doing before my opportunity goes away. Really need help but i feel like no one can help me until I learn how to open up more to people.

Its really hard to click this "Post Thread" because I've never shared so much of my feelings or thoughts to anyone. I'm sorry if I confused any of you, I just have so many reserved thoughts, feelings, emotions in me and had to let some out.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

No, not confusing at all.

Congrats for taking a step forward through your fears.

Somebody told me once ...."love your enemy".
I'm my own worst enemy of course.

Then I was asked to make list of things I like about meself, my assets.
Man....that's was narly but I have plenty of good qualities if I choose to
allow myself to notice it and accept it.

I came across a book oneday...."Reclaiming your self esteem."
That was wierd too...becuase i didn't have any to begin with.lmao
Anyway, it helped me.

My freaken sponsor gave me an excersize to work on.
It was corny as hell ...man.
I had to stand in front of the mirror everyday and piont to myself and tell myself i love myself.

Just keep reaching out.

 

[SighX99]

I kinda know how you feel. i never could fit in with everyone. never had a "group of close friend network" I used to and my old friends from high school most of them ****** ME OVER HARD, and I'm still feeling the wounds. and friends that i have now they live pretty far from me, and somtimes i think they use me... and they dont take me serious sometimes. now im slowly alienating everyone that i know...


and i ****** hate orange county...

I also have an awesome Siberian Husky as well.

 

[Minus]

No not confusing. I live with a lot of what you described.

 

[friendsvme]

I think I know how you feel.
I don't know how to communicate with people too.
I used have a group of friends that I really cared about and that doesn't care about me.
I tried to be funny around them all the time just so i can be accepted by them. But then whenever we all went out to hang out or something I just feel so disconnect from the group. They don't really care about me and they don't really want me to care about them.
Sooner or later I just gave up. I completely gave up trying to be their friend. And up until now I'm all alone, friendless cause I don't know how to make new friends.
Hey! At least you still have your dog as your best friend!
Me? I'm all alone~ Talking to the four walls in my room.

 

[NakitaKita]

Your post was understable.

my social life hasn't been much either its gotten to the point i have to beg for attention. I get along more with men (women don't seem to understand my thoughts) but it seems like everytime I get along with a guy that has a girlfriend or wife they have to stop talking to me or stop giving out so much information about their relationship. Like i have some master plan to make them fall outta love. I thinks its... well it dosen't matter what i think it is because it never fails to happen and it will keep happening until I stop connecting with guys on a more profound level.

 

[Papabear]

I do spend a LOT of time in my head myself. I made a post about it earlier and how I basically can't connect with the real world on a normal basis.

I'm not exactly sure how you deal with this though.

 

[Estreen]

Living life in my head....yeah, I often feel more comfortable in my head even though that sounds kinda weird to say, but...I used to be really really bad; from a child/preteen til I was halfway through high school I had to push myself, little by little, out of my shell, although it never quite feels enough...but when I look back and compare myself to when I had started out, I've come a long way. I've also come to realize that I'm different when it comes to socializing; It doesn't come "naturally" to me, I do have to work at it a little sometimes, but the more I practice and try, the easier it's become over time. I'm always going over things I want to or should say in my head, but I never really act the way I envision myself in my head, but I've gotten better anyway.

Last year was awful; I came very close to completely alienating myself from the few good friends I have and unwillingly isolated myself a lot due to pent up frustration at seeing my friends out having fun and socializing, and worse my boyfriend (whose overseas) who is usually less outgoing and prefers to stay in more than I do, going to parties, etc yet I was at home by myself and it just stirred up a lot of bad emotions which I've had to work through, but having that little "safe haven" in my mind to go back to always helps, because there I'm top of things and I can command more attention in my mind than in real life.

 

[Tiina63]

It is hard to open up to others and to be yourself when you have been ridiculed for doing so in the past and when you have low self esteem. Is there anyone in your life at present who you can trust to treat you with kindness and gentleness, who will accept you for who you are? You sound really nice and I hate that you are so lonely and unhappy.
Putting on the clown act is something I do as well, largely as a defence mechanism. It's horrible isn't it, that people may see us as this happy joker, while inside we are dying.

 

[blackdot]

WallyBallz:
Yikes!
I unfortunately know how you feel. It's hard to tell normal people how you feel because they will think it's all a joke. Even if they understand and try to help, just get them drunk and they will go around telling everyone all about you and laughing.
It sucks being a hermit. It sucks having to put on a false mask when in public.
It's extremely horrible when someone in real life notices something may be wrong and asks what is wrong. You are stuck with the fear of telling them. Do you just shake it off as nothing and get no help or do you break down and tell the person the problem and watch them sneak away in fear?
I end up spending most of my time day dreaming so I can just be someone else.

I could say that you shouldn't feel bad because you are not the only one like you. But then as I realized last night, that's not a good thing either.
I was thinking about it. If I was the only person having these problems, then it's obvious there is a solution somewhere. I may be alone right now but if everyone else has figured it out then there has to be a trick to fixing things.
On the flip side, if there are other people like me... then there may just not be a solution. Yes, I found other people that understand what I feel but on the flip side, it means a lot of us are stuck in this hole and it's less like there is a way out. By now if there was this many people in this situation then at least one of us would have figured out the trick and let everyone in on the secret.