Trust

[LonelySutton]

I have almost no trust in anyone. It perhaps it a pathological disease. And, in fact, I think people pick up on this and betray me. I actually think that when you are very trusting and put your heart on your sleeve... people feel badly about crushing you. But when you don't trust easily, when you have walls up.. they feel less bad about hurting you. They almost want to, as if it is an implicit insult to them that you don't trust them. To me I find this crazy as I don't trust anyone. It is so bad... though I am a fully functioning member of society and work as a spokesperson ... I cannot say "hi" to you first. I can't make myself do it.

But anyway... I am torn a bit on what I should do about something -- though there probably isn't much to do about it.

My boss (I have like 10) Sam. We got off on imho a horrible foot. When he was a peer he was a super jerk and he seemed to hate me right off the bat. And though I never did anything to him, he like wouldn't talk to me. Say hello in the hall or even speak in the elevator. He seemed almost afraid of me or like I smelled. Then he got a job as supervisor and he can be insanely hot and cold.

I have worked with him for 10 years and I still can't really make out his character. One the one hand, he does seem to have a loyal following of people who like him and are loyal to him. And his mother, who worked with us as well, was also rather odd and quiet... so maybe that is just their way... on the other, my review last year was even described by his manager as "harsh" and he can be so insanely rude.

Last year, I think he was nervous to have his first review with me -- we were alone for 10 minutes and it was harsh. I put up a bit of a fight but decided that maybe, maybe, he needs me to open up... be submissive and let him have his way. I kind of felt like for 10 years he had wanted to like "be in a position of power" over me and if I let him.. he might relax a little.

I haven't gotten my second review but I just have been feeling lately like it might have worked a little. He is talking to me more in the hall. When we walk by each other his first instinct is to actually verbalize hello... when he asks me to cover for others I do it. Today I had my second interview with him in a 4 week period (yes I am basically interviewing for my job) and a couple of times there he actually seemed relaxed and happy. Later when he was leaving for the day he ran into me and like forgot himself and smiled and wished me a good weekend. He still seems afraid to have any actual conversations where conflict might be involved... but... I just feel a little bit of a positive vibe and I totally was thinking today... I hope.. I hope we are coming to a place of mutual trust.. I hope the walls are falling - just a little. I want to trust him, I want to.... I am just scared that secretly he is being nice because he knows he plans on screwing me out of a job and or giving me a crud job or some such... I was up for a job a few weeks ago and either ONE boss betrayed me or another did. Or both. Was it him?

I think it was probably him. But then I think what is my life going to be if I can't recognize when people are to be trusted, is my need to guard myself so strong that I might shut down legitimate attempts to be slightly more friendly?

Who do you trust? Should I just start trusting everyone because I am no better off not trusting them? Not trusting them just is an illusion that I am protecting myself but really I might just be causing more harm to me buy sort of enraging people by being so guarded but not really protecting myself at all.

Yup.. don't know..

Anyone have words of wisdom on the issue of trust.

 

[Omnipotent Soul]

I have almost no trust in anyone. It perhaps it a pathological disease. And, in fact, I think people pick up on this and betray me. I actually think that when you are very trusting and put your heart on your sleeve... people feel badly about crushing you. But when you don't trust easily, when you have walls up.. they feel less bad about hurting you. They almost want to, as if it is an implicit insult to them that you don't trust them. To me I find this crazy as I don't trust anyone. It is so bad... though I am a fully functioning member of society and work as a spokesperson ... I cannot say "hi" to you first. I can't make myself do it.

But anyway... I am torn a bit on what I should do about something -- though there probably isn't much to do about it.

My boss (I have like 10) Sam. We got off on imho a horrible foot. When he was a peer he was a super jerk and he seemed to hate me right off the bat. And though I never did anything to him, he like wouldn't talk to me. Say hello in the hall or even speak in the elevator. He seemed almost afraid of me or like I smelled. Then he got a job as supervisor and he can be insanely hot and cold.

I have worked with him for 10 years and I still can't really make out his character. One the one hand, he does seem to have a loyal following of people who like him and are loyal to him. And his mother, who worked with us as well, was also rather odd and quiet... so maybe that is just their way... on the other, my review last year was even described by his manager as "harsh" and he can be so insanely rude.

Last year, I think he was nervous to have his first review with me -- we were alone for 10 minutes and it was harsh. I put up a bit of a fight but decided that maybe, maybe, he needs me to open up... be submissive and let him have his way. I kind of felt like for 10 years he had wanted to like "be in a position of power" over me and if I let him.. he might relax a little.

I haven't gotten my second review but I just have been feeling lately like it might have worked a little. He is talking to me more in the hall. When we walk by each other his first instinct is to actually verbalize hello... when he asks me to cover for others I do it. Today I had my second interview with him in a 4 week period (yes I am basically interviewing for my job) and a couple of times there he actually seemed relaxed and happy. Later when he was leaving for the day he ran into me and like forgot himself and smiled and wished me a good weekend. He still seems afraid to have any actual conversations where conflict might be involved... but... I just feel a little bit of a positive vibe and I totally was thinking today... I hope.. I hope we are coming to a place of mutual trust.. I hope the walls are falling - just a little. I want to trust him, I want to.... I am just scared that secretly he is being nice because he knows he plans on screwing me out of a job and or giving me a crud job or some such... I was up for a job a few weeks ago and either ONE boss betrayed me or another did. Or both. Was it him?

I think it was probably him. But then I think what is my life going to be if I can't recognize when people are to be trusted, is my need to guard myself so strong that I might shut down legitimate attempts to be slightly more friendly?

Who do you trust? Should I just start trusting everyone because I am no better off not trusting them? Not trusting them just is an illusion that I am protecting myself but really I might just be causing more harm to me buy sort of enraging people by being so guarded but not really protecting myself at all.

Yup.. don't know..

Anyone have words of wisdom on the issue of trust.

No words of wisdom sorry. But I have very big trust issues as everyone I trust seems to just betray me in some way. So you are not alone.

 

[Pike Creek]

In the work place, I had one rule - don't trust anyone. It's okay to chitchat, talk about work...but otherwise, my experience has been that people will step over you in an instant to make themselves look in a better light. The office gossip is so cruel at times, and most people are two-faced. I used to take everything with a grain of salt, do my job well, be very polite, not get too close to co-workers and leave when the job was done. I was considered a snob at work, but I never had any problems with anyone because they had no fuel to start a fire.

That's at work. As for trust in general, I have a hard time with it. But at one point, I decided I had to either secretly distrust and always be in a state of doubt and anxiety...or just say eff it....trust them completely and believe that they won't hurt me, if they do, I'll deal with it later. It's easier for me because I've mentioned in many posts, I don't like most people and my bf is the only person in my life and I do trust him completely. Of course, if he broke that trust, I'd be devastated, but I think I used to waste way too much energy self-doubting, over-analyzing and generally mistrusting everyone. I feel stronger now that I took the leap.

 

[WildernessWildChild]

I've found that the majority (not all) of people who were once coworkers and become supervisors instantly go into ******* mode. I'm guessing that comments from me such as "Wow, I see we've polished our jackboots...." or "What's it like straddling the fence?" likely don't help but I'm simply unable to be treated like a nothing by a bootlicking wuss.

 

[LonelySutton]

I decided I had to either secretly distrust and always be in a state of doubt and anxiety...or just say eff it....trust them completely and believe that they won't hurt me, if they do, I'll deal with it later.

See that is it. I kind of feel like being reserved does nothing anyway. People are going to screw you if they want to. I guess I have a pathological fear of being "taken advantage of" but that happens anyway all the time. I desperately want to know that I can expect of people but everytime I try I am usually wrong.

with anyone because they had no fuel to start a fire

.

I used to think that way but here is the thing... now that I have worked in my workplace for years... everyone has the information on me that they need. In addition what is scary, I have discovered, is that it doesn't matter if people have the true information... they will make it up. I don't think that they actively work at that, but someone will say, oh I heard X and then someone else will say I heard Y and then it becomes fact because they only person who won't ever be told is the person the rumor is about.

In fact, when I think of the people that are not talked about... it is typically the people that are completely open and wear their heart on their sleeve. I can't tell if people have no desire to talk about them because they typically are talking so much or... if it is simply that people like them because they wear their heart on their sleeve.

 

[Pike Creek]

I don't know about your workplace...in my case, being closed and reserved worked for me because I always got the job done and my employers saw results. There was one guy who was a real "company boy" and he stopped at nothing to try to ruin everyone's reputations and talk crap about everyone who worked hard, because he was lazy and was trying to cover up his lack of professionalism. My employers were smart enough to know that he was just an ass and that he couldn't be trusted at all. Maybe he talked about me too, I don't know, but it never affected my job.

And you said it "people are going to screw you if they want to"...if that's the case, do you condemn yourself to constantly fearing being taken advantage of? I liken that to a burglary...if someone wants to get into my home, no matter what kind of alarm system I have, they will find a way right? So do I live in a state of fear? Personally no. But I do realize that fears are hard to overcome, especially when emotions are involved. I still am working on some fears I have that cause me anxiety.

 

[lonelydoc]

The people who I can trust keeps going down and down. What can you do? If your friends leave and never contact you, doesn't that count as a betrayal of trust? I could be homeless or bleeding to death and if I call, they would most likely ignore me.

I only have my parents left, and you have to be careful about what you reveal to them. And I don't particularly trust my sister. It is true that she wouldn't abandon me, but generally speaking she is absent-minded and, now that she has kids, cares most for them.

 

[Case]

My last job was so full of suck-ups and plastic smiles that I kept a distance from many people and would not have trusted most of them with my true self. I was a worker drone. That's it. I was polite and helpful if they needed my assistance, but we were all competing for promotions, so there was a layer of fakeness in everyone that disgusted me, so I chose to avoid it all.

And I am normally a very trusting person.

 

[Pike Creek]

My last job was so full of suck-ups and plastic smiles that I kept a distance from many people and would not have trusted most of them with my true self. I was a worker drone. That's it. I was polite and helpful if they needed my assistance, but we were all competing for promotions, so there was a layer of fakeness in everyone that disgusted me, so I chose to avoid it all.

And I am normally a very trusting person.

I think this is a smart approach in the workplace. And I agree, the fakeness was hard to swallow at times. I think I'm better at trusting people now, but I wouldn't ever be too open and honest at work no matter what. It's too cut-throat.

 

[SophiaGrace]

The people who I can trust keeps going down and down. What can you do? If your friends leave and never contact you, doesn't that count as a betrayal of trust? I could be homeless or bleeding to death and if I call, they would most likely ignore me.

I only have my parents left, and you have to be careful about what you reveal to them. And I don't particularly trust my sister. It is true that she wouldn't abandon me, but generally speaking she is absent-minded and, now that she has kids, cares most for them.

I hate that when people progress through life, especially after college, that friendships fall by the wayside. I am not that kind of friend. I am very loyal to those I love.

 

[LonelySutton]

The people who I can trust keeps going down and down. What can you do? If your friends leave and never contact you, doesn't that count as a betrayal of trust? I could be homeless or bleeding to death and if I call, they would most likely ignore me.

I don't know.. after I got this job, it was so stressful and all that came out of my mouth was complaints... I lost touch with friends. I had nothing to say to them.. and I knew I would be a downer if I did. Every time I would try to meet with them, if it wasn't on the weekend... my plans would get ruined. I would just give up. Since most people are actually ok, you just assume they are. I just like to keep former friends on facebook so I can see what they are up to but I have nothing to really add to them so what is the point of renewing friendships. I think if you are actually homeless old friends do come to your rescue. I be a lot of your old friends are dealing with issues that consume their time... and make them not want to come out of their shell, ie.. it isn't about you.

As for trust in the workplace, I guess that is the only place I ever have to really try to trust. In my personal life I don't allow people in.

 

[Tealeaf]

Well, you don't need to trust people to be friendly. You don't need to tell them anything they could use to hurt you, loan money, loan items, give them responsibilities, or anything else. That alone can open a door to learning more about a person and figuring out whether or not you should give them real trust.

I can trust on a surface level, but it's the deeper ones that are damaged after the person I was closest to did a complete turn-around. Literally the last person I would have expected it from. I thought I was over it (or at least, no longer angry and unsure of my own perceptions), but eventually I started growing close to someone in a similar way found that every time I had to not jump to conclusions I just saw my old friend in the back of my mind. For awhile I wasn't even aware that I was doing it or that it was causing me to pull away.