Unhealthy

[lotsarocks]

I have no one to really discuss this with so I thought I might share here in case it resonates with anyone else. I understand generational trauma, and I try to be mindful about the traumatic events my parents have been through that have shaped them into the people they are today. They have a lot of good qualities I admire and I love them a lot. But my mom in particular exhibits a lot of negative traits that have affected me. For example, she is not someone who communicates or tries to see another person’s perspective, she maintains she is correct on all issues and when someone doesn’t agree with her, she shuts down and gives the silent treatment. That is very difficult on me, it leaves me feeling like all the years of love and devotion I give to her mean nothing to her that she can so quickly flip a switch and stop speaking to me just because I have an opinion. I’m currently attending therapy, but she won’t, so the core issue will never be resolved, really.

Does anyone else relate to a loved one giving you the silent treatment?

 

[mizera]

My mother is a difficult person as well. I try to just keep a relationship with her. I have to keep some opinions to myself, and avoid disagreeing with her, unless it's something important. It takes little to make her angry, and she doesn't like when I don't agree with her. So I adapt to her ways and just try to keep everything as easy as possible.

 

[constant stranger]

I lived with and took care of my mother for 17 years after dad died. She thought she was entitled to know the final last word of the truth. I compromised my personal authenticity many, many times just to maintain enough calmness and cooperation to conduct the domestic management of the household. I didn't know how much of myself and my own agenda I had given up until the last few years of her life.
So from my personal perspective, a lot of resentments were never resolved. She on the other hand had a loyal servant.......albeit an unhappy servant. So she didn't get everything she wanted either.
In retrospect, given our mother/son history over the years and both our temperaments and without professional counseling, the whole thing probably never would have played out any differently. And with her death the family came to an unhappy ending.

lotsarocks and mizera, you have my sympathies as you undertake your own journeys.

 

[ardour]

I took care of my mother for 6 years (I couldn't imagine 17 years of this). She wasn't particularly demanding, never malicious, but she had very set, traditional ideas. If a topic didn't interest her, she'd usually shut it down. A few years into the illness that she relaxed at bit. There was an implicit understanding that my life would be on hold, which I didn't resent at the time (I wasn't doing much with my life anyway), however looking back, the ugly side of me feels bitter over missing out on my 20s and early 30s.

 

[lotsarocks]

I appreciate you all sharing your personal stories with me. It seems there are quite a few commonalities between mixed feelings. I am not sure about your situations in specifics, but I was adopted by my grandparents, so my birth mother and her siblings were not around for any duration of my life. I can't help at times but to feel as though their actions have been very selfish, they left me here with no support other than my grandparents, and now I am the only one here to look after them as they age. I do love them, and I understand that sometimes life just works out this way, but sometimes I am a bit bitter about that aspect.

 

[user 188685]

I have no one to really discuss this with so I thought I might share here in case it resonates with anyone else. I understand generational trauma, and I try to be mindful about the traumatic events my parents have been through that have shaped them into the people they are today. They have a lot of good qualities I admire and I love them a lot. But my mom in particular exhibits a lot of negative traits that have affected me. For example, she is not someone who communicates or tries to see another person’s perspective, she maintains she is correct on all issues and when someone doesn’t agree with her, she shuts down and gives the silent treatment. That is very difficult on me, it leaves me feeling like all the years of love and devotion I give to her mean nothing to her that she can so quickly flip a switch and stop speaking to me just because I have an opinion. I’m currently attending therapy, but she won’t, so the core issue will never be resolved, really.

Does anyone else relate to a loved one giving you the silent treatment?

My brother's ex wife was like this,she wouldn't talk to me at all.

 

[Claudia1794]

The silent treatment is my preferred method with my son when it seems an argument is about to break out. I don't do it to shut him down or not hear his opinions, but to simply avoid arguing with him. Anyone else I won't shut up until they've given up usually, not him though. When I go silent he walks away and usually within the hour we are able to calmly discuss anything. He used to hate it but I've noticed that he does it himself with other people. I like to think of it as taking the high road. Its been hard for me but definitely better than arguing. Again, he is the only person I will not argue with.