venting ranting depression anger

[TammyLynn1972]

I just have to have a place where I can speak freely and openly. So, I am using this board. Thank you all for being here so I can have one place on earth that I can say the truth and how it affects me.

I am so angry and hurt and P'd off,,,,,,,oh my God. I want to be off of the life roller coaster. everything from fighting fleas on our 7 pets to no money, chronic pain, a messed up 19 year old who just stabbed another guy and is sitting in jail 500 miles from me, ex husband who still stalks me after 10 years, no friends, no support,,,,,,marital problems that every ******* time I try to assert myself in the marriage of 4 years, he knocks me back down to where I view myself and my needs as very unimportant. The only thing in our marriage that is consistent is it has many issues, and every time I feel like I am working on them, I get knocked back, and every way I try to assert myself,,,,,,,,I just have to hear more about how wrong I am, how I don't do things properly, and how lazy I am.

I quit my church recently. These women there were nasty to me. I had to quit going because I felt so much worse after seeing them and trying to do good works with them, on the car rides home I just cried and couldn't understand how church women could be so nasty.

My ex husband is a predator, not a kiddie kind,,,,,,but he loves to stalk single, very young mothers that are dysfunctional. he is on wife 6, and he still stalks me through family members and my kids facebook accounts. says terrible things about me, spreads lies and rumors, threatens with subtle hints, he is awful, he is 71, I am 45...its a long story, but I was wife 5, and the one after me is 20 years YOUNGER than me even! he likes to pick very dysfunctional people, get dirt on them and their situation by acting like you can trust him, then when you are vulnerable, he black mails you with the dirt he has gained on you !!!! I have seen him do this so many times to other people including myself. yes he is warped, and no one sees it,,,,they pity him because he is an elderly deaf man who works for the IRS,,,,he still visits one of my aunts and regularly checks in on my life and she tells him everything she knows about my life,,,,,,,life is nuts

I have deleted and blocked so many numbers and people from my phone/accounts in the past few days. I am so freaking tired of hearing people say how they care, no one cares. I have called on friends from grade school even, they won't even give me the ******* time of day, DELETE,,I got rid of so many people that know nothing of my life and the ones I thought were close to me, and would be there if I need to talk,,,,NOTHING.....I wonder if God even cares or if there is a God.

Why is there so much nastiness around? Why are people so cruel? Why can't we all just get along,,,,,,,,,seriously!

My heart is always in turmoil. I cannot make the world love me or make it nicer. A million of me could not make the world nicer. 
This place is a **** hole, I would rather be running around in the Matrix from bad guys than have to keep living this messed up life. I am trying so hard to just expect horror and fear every day because if I raise any expectations higher than this,,,,,i am let down, it seems like every single day.....if I stay in the house, and I don't talk to people or go around people, they cant hurt me at all. I know it isn't healthy. but neither is assuming someone cares or someone will care, or I will make a best friend that will help me thru my journey. This friend is not coming. Not at all. 

I have a degree in healthcare, and now I am on THC, medical weed for chronic pain in spine, hips, pelvis neck ,and entire right arm, cant get a job with THC in healthcare,,,,,,,,

So, with no friends, 500 miles from family,,,,cannot talk openly with hubby for several reason. I am alone on this earth. ALone,,,,,,totally alone. I have me to depend on, and I think that isn't much at all and worth even less.

I had a twin sister. I was born with an identical twin, and I just assumed we would live our whole entire lives together and I guess I assumed we would die together. She died when we were 32. That was 13 years ago. She was my best friend. I miss her so much.

So, I have no job, no friends, no real hobbies outside of home, no church family, no bio family next to me, and the ones I have left in my family, I cant be real with them either. It's so lonely. It's so hard. 

I have been trying to reprogram myself not to need anyone at all.
I have been repeating in my mind: I am an animal. I have no social or emotional needs. 
I don't know what I think this is going to do for me, but it is better than picking up drugs or drinking I am assuming.

I feel like my biggest problem is I think because I was able to overcome a lot of abuse and still have much compassion for the world, and that same world just seems to chew me and spit me out over and over. So, I am going off the grid as much as I can. When I do try to socialize and interact, I just get my feelings hurt. My heart already hurts enough. I am scared. I am scared I might lose my mind with less and less contact with others. 
It is hard to talk to yourself all of the time and keep it all in perspective and not feel like a ******* loser.

Maybe if I just accept that I am a ******* loser. This is as good as life gets. And that is it. I have food and shelter, if I demean myself to no better than a stray animal. maybe food and shelter will be enough for the dog that is me

 

[Unix]

You may be a loser for real but there is no reason in accepting it. The world is a harsh place to live in, but life is still a good thing.  Go outside for a run, it will always help you. Take a cold shower, your problems will vanish for some time. It works for real, I'm doing it and there is also scientific evidence.

I have read that this kind of mindset comes from uncontrolled suffering, meaning that every negative experience that you can't fight will lower your confidence. 

This might be the cause of your "dog problems". You aren't a dog, is just that you have taken the habit of thinking it. 

Wanna chat with me? I'm always up into meeting new people

 

[Miriam1966]

I'm so sad reading your post. I can relate to how you feel in your marriage, the same is happening to me. People wonder why we stay. People always wonder. They just don't know. Your ex sounds like such a narcissistic a-hole predator. I know the feeling of not being able to talk to anyone, though I chose to live a solitary life with no friends. People just stress me out too much. I'm currently in silent treatment, so I can't talk to the one person in my life, the abusive boyfriend. I sit in silence tapping away at the keyboard and feeling so grateful for anyone who replies to my posts. I try to talk to the dogs and cats...but sometimes adult interaction is really needed. Believe it or not, I make phone calls for information to various companies when I desperately need to hear another voice. I'm isolated in a rural area, my bf has alienated/p*ssed off the closest neighbours. They say hello to me but avoid me because of him. You know what I've started to do? Videos. I have an anonymous email and YouTube account and I do recordings about my feelings. I make a video by adding a photo I find online and I publish all the videos. I say whatever I want out there and once in a while, someone comments. I also make private videos of myself just talking, saying everything that is bothering me - then I re-watch the videos over and over until I get sick of myself and then I delete them. It helps me work through my messy emotions.

 

[TammyLynn1972]

awwww,,,

yes! I would watch your you tubes, i am always on there, i love ted talks !!

we could make a channel called Lonely Talks!!

I am sorry for your pain as well, it is hard to understand how people can actually get stuck in things,
Financially is a big one, and I suffer chronic pain in several areas of my body, sometimes i am in a wheelchair or a walker and i have a digestive disease that some days i cannot tolerate even mashed potatoes.

I am now taking a break from volunteering especially thru my church, I quit it recently and it has brought on a lot of negative feelings for me, the church I went to had a lot of stuck up people who pushed me aside for their own agenda, no support even though the church knows how sick i am,,,,,,,,,very disappointing,

i am giong to a a new church now, dont want to join it, and dont want to do any work with others even though they invite volunteering every week, but the last group was so nasty to me, i am so scared to trust new people now, i just go to church every sunday and i ask God what now,,,,where do I need to be now with chronic pain, no friends, no real road that i know where to turn down

i was at walmart yesterday talking to myself like i had a shopping companion, i am pretty sure people were staring at me, i didnt care that time,,,,,,,,,i just did not care

 

[Miriam1966]

"Lonely Talks" that's not such a bad idea! That made me smile. Thanks.

For me, it's mostly financial as to why I'm stuck here in this relationship. But then most abusive men aren't that way 100% of the time. They show the prince charming side to us sometimes and that's another reason why we stay, hope that we will continue to see the prince charming.

But I'm at a point where I'm sick of it. You should have seen him last night, I nearly laughed at him. He was lying on the couch, completely ignoring me, staring at his computer with his mouth open like he was dead or something. I kept asking him to not treat me like I didn't exist...nothing. I felt like taking a video of him like that, just to show him how ridiculous and abusive he is...but I can't sink to that level.

I'm sick of it, but I'm very hurt by it at the same time. I've tried many times to break up with him, but prince charming always comes back and I fold. I know myself and the only way I can get out of this is to physically leave him. I can't do that until the spring, financially and legally because my name is on the lease. I can't prove domestic violence to get out of the lease legally because I have no bruises. Emotional abuse sucks.

I talk to myself all of the time, and I probably do it in public too and I don't care either.

I'm sorry your church group was such a bunch of nasties...I was brought up Catholic but abandoned that religion in my 20's because I found it was so hypocritical. Everyone was judgmental, holier than though and very gossipy and mean. I have a nature-based spirituality now that suits me much better. I hope this new church doesn't end up like the old one, maybe it's best to keep to yourself for a while.

I can't imagine what you go through daily with chronic pain. I mean, I have some arthritis in my hands and they hurt mostly in humid weather and in winter, but I have a cream that works. Though I guess my chronic pain is mostly emotional at this point.

 

[cclun200]

This world is obviously broken, and people can be very mean and unkind. But not everyone is like that. By isolating yourself it may make things worse. Please don't lose hope, there are good people and good churches out there. I go to one, and the support group and friends that I have has helped me a big deal. True Christians should not be hypocritical, if they are it is because they are not living obediently to Christ. I have so many friends who love me for who I am, knowing that I am broken and a sinner. Please don't withdraw yourself, there is hope out there! Also, if you are so far away from your family, have you considered moving closer back home so you at least have some support system?

 

[TammyLynn1972]

cc

yes i do think about moving back home,,,,,i have chronic pain and you cannot get your pain reasonably treated in states that do no have medical marijuana, my home state does not have it, for now that is probably the biggest reason i will stay here, thanks for your suggestions