Wanting feedback

[josiejo]

Hello,
 
I am a female from Ohio.  I’m 36 years old.  A lot of things have happened recently that has left me realizing I don’t really have any friends.  I’m pretty devastated by it.  I want someone to talk to about it all, but I have no one.  The people I used to go to about it are the ones that I no longer see as friends. 
 
 
 
First, I had a huge fight with my sister standing up for my niece, who she treats like crap.  My sister and I are not talking right now because of it and really we haven’t been talking that much for a long time anyways.  A friend called while I was having a tough time dealing with it and I told her I’d call her back later.  She didn’t answer, which I understand because she was probably getting her kids to bed.  I texted her later to let her know I was going to bed and she called really quick and told me she was watching Game of Thrones and she could talk now.  So basically, she knew I was in tears earlier, but she chose to watch Game of Thrones over calling me.  Next, my roommate and I are pretty close.  We were both single up until he met her boyfriend a year ago.  I’ve struggled with that because, I’m alone with no prospects.  Up until then we spent a lot of time together.  She comes home one day and tells me she needs to tell me something.  She and her boyfriend were going through a rough patch and she was debating on if she wanted to be in the relationship.  She said she hoped I wouldn’t be mad, but that she has been unofficially engaged for three months, her sister, nieces, and mother knew (which I understand).  All of her boyfriend’s friends knew.  She said she knew I was stressed about finding a house to buy (because I am tired of boyfriend being around all the time) so she didn’t want to stress me out more thinking that I would have to find something even sooner.  By this point she already reserved the venue, bought brides maids dresses for her sister and nieces, and bought her wedding dress.  I was really hurt.  On top of that, she got a call one night that she needed to pick up her wedding dress that night because the store was going out of business, she left abruptly and then lied to my face about why she needed to leave.  So she lied to me too. 
 
All of this happened in a matter of three days.  So now, I feel like I have no one.  I wish I could be happy with no one, because it sucks to be hurt.  I feel like I’m over reacting, but I don’t feel like I can go to these people anymore and when I’m sad I have no one to talk to.

 

[TheRealCallie]

It sounds like maybe with all the stress you have going on, it might be projecting outward so that your friends don't feel they can come to you with things.
On the other hand, it shouldn't matter what any of you are going through, if you cared about each other, it wouldn't matter, you would be happy for them and they would give you a shoulder to lean on.

I would suggest to maybe branch other. Find some other people to hang around with, find new hobbies, volunteer. Just anything to get you out and talking to people. That will help you feel better.

 

[Jafo]

You'll get over once you realize that people just suck and you're better off alone.

 

[morrowrd]

All of this happened in a matter of three days.  So now, I feel like I have no one.  I wish I could be happy with no one, because it sucks to be hurt.  I feel like I’m over reacting, but I don’t feel like I can go to these people anymore and when I’m sad I have no one to talk to.

Loners and lonely people all have the same thing in common, seeing the little picture.  I think about a household pet, who waits all day for people to come home and pay attention to it.  Our day has been at work, errands, planning dinner, after school events, and when we get home, the little puppy is excited and barking - wanting to go for a walk, or play.  In between home duties of mowing the grass, making dinner, watching tv, communicating about the day - the puppy waits and waits, and watches hoping for a scrap of attention.  Then, we go to bed. Maybe she gets to go for a walk, maybe just let out in the yard because we "don't have time."  Then, we're tired and transition to bed, and the cycle repeats itself the next day.

This isn't to insult you, but it's an analogy that really fits.  I'm a loner myself, and I know what it's like to be lonely as well....  Our one or two (or less) friends or acquaintances have a much bigger world than we do.  And we are always forgetting that, or maybe resentful, possibly jealous over the time they spend elsewhere, with other people and events that we are not a part of.  Waiting and hoping, that becomes a mantra that can cause you to become depressed, anxious, maybe even obsessed over what friends are doing. The crystal ball of social media feeds that as you in this day and age can watch from an arms length, what others are doing. Activities that you wish you could participate in. That makes the loneliness even worse..... why am I not included? Invited? Why did they lie to me about where and what they were doing? Hell, the secret engagement sounds bad.... but ten years ago my sister was married, I was the only family member not notified or invited, she assumed I wouldn't want to come. (its true, I would have liked the privilege of declining, but congratulating her.)  Years ago, when my son was young, the family gathered at my parents home 10 miles away from me. Everyone was from out of town, out of state, I was not invited, or even told they were here.

My heart has hardened towards my family, so even this event, I believe it was 20 years ago....even then it didn't hurt because my hardness is old, developing way before that. I now live in a bubble, my home is my fortress, I don't like visitors other than my girlfriends family, or my son. (My son btw, lives much like I do.  Except he prefers solitude - I prefer to be alone but like having female companionship)  I gave him a house, his childhood home. It's got a ton of land out in the country...he lives there in complete isolation except for work.  If he brings girls home, it's for one thing, then he gives them a ride home. Sometimes without even a glass of water. Never do they get to spend the night.... and of late, he's pretty much phased even that little bit out.  Back to myself, I keep heavy boundaries with outsiders... I'm respectful, polite, but each person is in a box. Work people I interact only at work. NEVER out of that box.  When I ran my childrens program for 20 years, parent volunteers, parents in general....I never accepted invitations to their homes, never offered any.  It's a system I've followed ever since my reforms -  I withdrew from everyone for 10 years to work on myself, my way of thinking, behaving, my way of dealing with the world in general.

You're going to have to do some of this with yourself if you don't want to sink into a black pit of depression.  Understand the issues are with you, not with your friends.  I've long accepted the fact I'm not really liked, yet it's because people don't understand me or know me.  People nowdays do not take that kind of time, are self centered, and if it's not convenient, it's overlooked or dismissed.

Learn to reform yourself, as I did long ago.  Learn how to communicate, learn how to meditate - a useful tool for looking into yourself and others.  Practice in your little circle, say at work, little things first - baby steps.  An exercise program if it's not there, put it there. You're female, so my advice is usually tailored toward my brothers in social dysfunction. In spite of what our wonderful media preaches, there is a difference between men and women and the way they think.  I don't believe I have ever used a female role model in my lifetime, never during my personal reform years.  But human behavior is something I do understand. I understand loneliness, I understand anger and frustration. And those things are pretty constant no matter if it's male or female. Yet, how men deal with these similar problems will be different than you do. However, I do have a saying.... "if your system isn't working, why not try someone else's system that IS working?"

I'm here to help with that, if you'd like.  Sorry about what's going on in your life - know that you're not in an exclusive club though. Learn how to protect yourself from being hurt, learn how to respond the "right" way, and not the needy way lonely people tend to respond. This will build respect, inner and outer.

 

[bleed_the_freak]

I've experienced similar situations several times in my life, where it seems everyone collectively turns their back on you.
You aren't alone in living through this. It happens to others too. I know that's not an answer, but at least you can feel like there is nothing wrong with you for being treated this way. It's also important to understand that certain types of "people" are attracted to us based on their energy and our energy. Look into it. Or this sort of cycle will continue to repeat for you.

 

[NewOrder2016]

Why not to be dependent on cold approaches and prefer the inner circle.

It is not natural for people to meet strangers or be met by strangers...

But if you avoid the obstacles, you may be greatly rewarded.


I have no family and no friends. I am 33 and life is a joke. But I do know that there is a solution to finding people.